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In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya take a stroll through Erica's sex life, from her first kiss to what she wishes she could snap her fingers and change. Let's go!
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Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Kenrya: Hey good people. Welcome back to this week's episode of The Turn On. So today we got a little special treat, little something different. Regular listeners of the show know that we sometimes do a thing called "This is Your Sex Life," where we talk to folks and dig all up in they business about their sex lives from the beginning to now. And today we're going to dig in Erica's business.
Kenrya: Hey girl.
Erica: Hey boo!
Kenrya: Are you ready?
Erica: I mean... okay. Yeah I'm ready.
Kenrya: You got it. Okay. So we going to get right to it.
Kenrya: When do you first remember masturbating?
Erica: I was little. Probably five, six. I was young. This was before we even moved into the house I grew up in. And we went to Disney World, my mama and daddy bought me one of them big ass Minnie Mouses, as she was the right size. I just be going at it. Minnie was my girl.
Kenrya: All right. I like it. How old were you when you had your first kiss?
Erica: With Rockbiter, y'all know the story. So it had to be like sixth grade. So 11, 12. And the thing is it was so nasty.
Kenrya: Okay. Wow. I don't think in my mind, I wasn't thinking that-
Erica: I was in the sixth grade and like-
Kenrya: I didn't know how old you were. Okay.
Erica: My son's in the sixth grade. I'd have fucking fit if he- but you know what? I got that kiss and it fucking scared me off. Because we ain't know what the fuck we was doing. And it was just...
Erica: Like one of those lantern fish.
Erica: So, yeah.
Kenrya: Poor thing. Poor little tink tink.
Kenrya: So how old were you when you first had a sense of your gender identity? Like when did you first feel like a girl?
Erica: I never didn't not, you know? I never didn't. I always find that a weird question because, yeah. Because I think no one ever really like knows it until it's imposed on them by someone else. And so I think I first realized that... So my older brother, he was just a year older than me he was gay. He was gay, he's gay.
Kenrya: He is, yeah.
Erica: And so I think him being my older brother, for so long it was just normal for me to be a girl. And in my parts, I know I'm getting into sexual identity versus gender, but anyway, just ride with me on this train.
Erica: Yeah, and so I just kind of always knew that I was a girl and he was a boy and he was a boy that just happened to like boys, you know? And it didn't become something different until we got older. And thankfully my mom was understanding, not understanding, you know, it wasn't a big deal to her.
Erica: And so we were exposed to people who weren't born with the infrastructure that they really were. So yeah, that was a long ass way to explain that.
Kenrya: Can you tell us about when you first started experimenting with other people?
Erica: I had a family member, we used to hump. It was just kind of one of those, we ain't know what we was doing. So I was young for that and then fucking Rockbiter. I don't know if it was with Rockbiter or just that same summer. But I think I have my junior high yearbook around here, I'm going to find it and show you Rockbiter. Not you the listeners, just you Kenrya.
Kenrya: I was about to say you show me. Yes, I need to see.
Erica: Yeah, I don't know if it was with Rockbiter or if it was Rockbiter adjacent. But yeah, we'd go play in a creek and they had this big flat rock. We just go and hump our little hearts out on this rock with the neighborhood kids.
Kenrya: Oh my God.
Erica: That's what we did.
Kenrya: That's just what y'all did.
Kenrya: Okay so tell us about the first time you had partnered sex.
Erica: Y'all niggas know this.
Kenrya: I know, but everybody may not have listened to that episode. I can't even remember what episode it was.
Erica: It was the first episode of the entire-
Kenrya: Nope, we talked about, nope we talked about anal.
Erica: And I talked about my first time.
Kenrya: We decided it would be cliche. I know, I thought we decided that it would be cliche to talk about our virginity on our first episode.
Erica: Find it. It was after band camp. We all went over some dude's house. It was a bunch of little dirty kids there. I was probably like 15. I was a freshman in high school. And it was after summer band camp. Went to this dude's house, some little dude liked me. I was like, "okay." And we ended up having sex.
Erica: We had sex on a water bed. Which was horrible for two little dirty kids that didn't know what you needed to do in order to really- you got to have gravity and leverage.
Kenrya: Leverage, yeah.
Erica: And we was just flopping around in the bed. And then somebody walked in on us and I was just kind of... And we kept going. It was not an enjoyable experience. I feel like I am sad, not sad, but you know, I wish that my first time having sex would have been with someone that like made it good. That I wanted to have sex. For me it was just more like a, "Oh, you here, you got a dick, let's explore" type thing.
Kenrya: Which I mean at 15 that makes sense. What skills is he going to really have?
Erica: Yeah. But I think about like the young ladies that like have sex for the first time with a guy that they really like, or they really want to have sex and it's like, "I need penis in me." That's what I would, if I could redo it, that's how it would have been. As opposed to like, y'all keep talking about it on these stories, in these songs. So let me figure that out. This is probably a really bad advertisement for Tipper Gore and all that other shit, but okay.
Kenrya: Okay. When did you first have an orgasm?
Erica: With a partner?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: I can't remember. I remember that I had one. Who was I with? I should- we ask this of everyone and now I'm like, I can't remember who I was with but I-
Kenrya: Listen, I'm sitting here trying to think my damn self.
Erica: I definitely think I was still living in St. Louis. So it was either in high school right before college or the summer after my freshman year. Because after that I wasn't living in St. Louis. And yeah, there was this little dude and he was just tall, skinny. He probably wasn't even cute. Tall and skinny. And he lived in the attic of his mama house and we went there and that nigga blew my back out to the point where I was just like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, and after my first hit, I kept chasing that high.
Kenrya: Wow. Okay. So what three words would you use to describe sex in your teens?
Erica: Dry. Like literally my pussy was dry. Dry, awkward and curious.
Kenrya: Hmm. Okay. What about your twenties?
Erica: A little more uptempo. So let's say, you did music, not quite moving fast but just a little more like tst, tst, tst. And more exploratoratative. Explorative? Exploratoratative?
Erica: Exploratoratative. Okay.
Kenrya: Exploratory, bitch that's not a word.
Erica: And I was doing it wrong in my twenties. I was like searching for love.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: Yeah. I was searching for love. And I think that's why now my thirties I'm like, "Fuck love!" What's love got to do, got to do with it? Yeah. I think that- what'd you say?
Kenrya: I knew that was coming.
Erica: You knew it was coming.
Erica: I feel like I was doing like sex in my twenties all wrong, you know? I was just scrolling through Instagram and there was this meme, it said girls be giving their heart to niggas who only asked for pussy. That's what my twenties were.
Erica: The sex was good, but it was like, I was focused on the wrong things. I should have been focused on just enjoying myself and having a good time and getting to know people. But instead I was focused on finding a relationship that would lead to marriage and yada, yada, yada. And so I ended up having good sex with some people, but it was just good sex. It wasn't like good relationships or anything like that.
Kenrya: That's interesting. And it's what we're socialized to do. Right?
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kenrya: We're taught that the only time that you should really be having sex is in the service of, well, typically it's phrased as a man, but in service of a partner.
Kenrya: Or to have kids or whatever the fuck else, never just, hey, this shit is fun.
Erica: Yep. But I will say, I had my first threesome in my twenties. First time I had sex with a woman, all of that happened in my twenties and it was fun. And that's why I say exploratoratative. I can't wait to see the transcriber do exploratoratative. I think it was fun because I was learning and experimenting, but shit got lit in my thirties. Those my three words you ain't even got to ask me, shit got lit in my thirties.
Kenrya: What made it lit?
Erica: So when I was married we were having sex. But after my divorce, I really started coming into... I was more comfortable in my body. I was more just, you know how when you're in your twenties you hear women in thirties say, "Oh, the thirties are the best." And like, yeah. And then the forties, bitch. Y'all ain't going to be able to say shit to me. Because I really don't give a fuck. #GutsAndButts2021. That's my summer hashtag I decided to rebrand my ample shape.
Kenrya: Thick and juicy is now guts and butts.
Erica: Exactly so yeah, guts and butts 2021, because I was just trying to be, th-th-th-thick but now I got a little gut, so we're just going to roll with it. There's a lid for every pot.
Erica: But yeah so in my thirties I got more confident, not even confident, more comfortable in my skin, comfortable just letting my legs lock like a goat and falling off the dick.
Erica: It just became, it was a lot. I got quality over quantity in my thirties. And I knew I was honing in on what quality sex was for myself. So yeah, shit got lit. And I think a lot of it also was just like the rest of my life coming into focus, not saying that I got it together, because bitch don't. But you know, as the rest of my life comes together sex is just a part of that that comes together.
Kenrya: Could you tell us about a sexual experience that you remember fondly?
Erica: I'm not going to tell that one because that one's wild. Oh, right after my divorce I had a big ass brunch with my girls and then after that I got on the train and I was like, I'm going to go spend the weekend being a mercenary, literally like a hired dick assassin. And I spent that weekend with this lovely couple and we literally drank champagne, listened to music, enjoyed the finest weed, ate and fucked. For literally like Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
Erica: It was fucking amazing, gorgeous. It was just like, oh, so yeah. And I think part of what made it so good was just, it was a couple that enjoyed experimenting and playing and we had fun and we laughed and we played with toys and we had good conversation and we had good meals. Because you know, honey, you mix food with anything and you got me there. So yeah, we were all comfortable with each other and comfortable just having fun.
Kenrya: So what's your sex life look like now?
Erica: Girl, it is very sporadic. We kind of talked about this, I took myself off the apps because I got a lot going on and... Yeah I got a lot going on. And trying to cultivate a relationship is just like, ehh.
Erica: I do have a partner that's kind of my slow and steady. We just keep at it when I'm ready for some sex or a booty rub because he know how to rub a booty. Yeah. So I have a partner and we have sex from time to time. It's not like it's anything regular. It's just when we want to have sex, we do. But I think it's just because I'm in grind mode otherwise.
Erica: Also, all these meds and stuff, I'm in a chemically induced menopause and on top of that, taking some new psychiatric meds. And so, that has totally fucked with my- I keep saying my pussy broke. And so I'm in a process of like changing my meds and stuff. Because I used to could look at a mop and be like, "God damn, look at that fat ass on that mop." Now, not so much. So I'm also working through adjusting my meds, seeing how things work, diet and exercise and all that to see if that'll bring my pussy back to life.
Kenrya: Lift things up a bit. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, that kind of ties into the next question. How many times do you have some type of sexual contact in a week on average?
Erica: So I recognize that my pussy's broken, so I make myself masturbate. But you know, I masturbate at least once or twice a week just because I'm like, I have to. I keep saying it's like a earring back. I got to use it or it's going to close up. And then also I got all these cool toys. So I definitely have some sort of sexual contact about once or twice a week. And then occasionally I'll call somebody and be like, "Hey, what you doing? I'm going to stop by." So yeah.
Kenrya: Are there certain times that you prefer to stop by? Are you a morning person? You're not, but-
Erica: Y'all know I have problems with morning sex. Like, only because of the logistics of breath. Because my breath be spicy in the morning.
Kenrya: Nobody's paying attention.
Erica: But it be fall off the bone baked, fall off the bone tender. So I do like morning sex. I'll take it any time to be quite honest. Each time has its own pros and cons. I feel like morning sex is great because it's just good and gushy. Evening sex is good, but you know, I don't fuck around. Sleep, food, and sex. Erica don't fuck around with it. So when I'm ready to go to bed, we're going to get done. It's going to be quick. I'm going to wash my face, put in my retainer and I'm going to bed. And then afternoon, that's when I get to languish in it and have fun. So yeah.
Kenrya: Yeah. Word. And that's kind of the next question. How long does it typically last?
Erica: Oh, bitch. You ain't going to stay on top of me fucking for 45 minutes. You're not penetrating me for 45 minutes. Get the fuck up. No. But I do enjoy foreplay and all of that. So I would say probably start to finish probably like 20, 30 minutes.
Erica: But you know, and then we might have a couple of rounds, drink some Kool-Aid watch an episode of “First 48” and then get back at it.
Kenrya: Does this usually happen in a bed or are you a anywhere you happen to be kind of person.
Erica: I will literally fuck anywhere. I mean, now it's usually in the bed or on someone's couch. But I'll fuck anywhere. I mean, that's what God made it for, it's like a stand.
Kenrya: Lord have mercy. What's your favorite part of sex?
Erica: Orgasms. We read in some book, someone described it as your body shattering in a million pieces and it coming back together. Was that in a book?
Kenrya: I don't remember.
Erica: It sounds too nice for me to have thought it up. So I'm going to say somebody else wrote it, but it feels like your body shatters into a million pieces and you slowly come down and you're just like, "Oh, give me a cold glass of red Kool-Aid." You know? I'm going to have to say it's the orgasm.
Kenrya: That's a theme here. What's the most frustrating part?
Erica: Being a woman and having a pussy. Pussies are pockets, they need care and feeding and I have a temperamental pussy and a temperamental stomach. Back to food. And so all engines got to be in "Go," it's like a fucking NASA center in my head. Like, "Stomach okay? Doo. Pussy feeling good? Doo. All systems are go." Pussies require care and feeding. You don't want to BV, STDs, fucking waxing. It's just a lot that goes into it. So that's the frustrating part.
Erica: And more than anything it's because I make it a point to be with niggas that don't care. Some embarrassing shit has happened to me before in bed. And most of them be like, "All right." But it's just, I want to feel comfortable in my body. And so that's what makes it difficult.
Kenrya: Are there things that get in your head that are ever able to keep you from being able to enjoy yourself? Or are you really good at turning those things off?
Erica: If I'm not comfortable, like I said, if I'm not comfortable in my skin. And that will be things like, "Oh my God, my breath is fucking rancid." And I think a lot of that also is I grew up in a very judgey household. And so I feel like I'm not comfortable because I feel like they're judging me, even though they're like, "Ehh." I guess that goes against everything I just said. Again, most of the guys I am with are like, "Bitch, I don't fucking care." But in my mind, I'm like, "I care, you should care. A bitch breath stink." Or, "I'm gassier than a motherfucker" you know?
Erica: But then I get to a point where I'm like, "Okay, bitch you done rolled out the red carpet, let it go." And so I do. Because if I'm going to go through all the shit that it takes to open up my legs and fuck, this shit going to be a payoff, right? I'm just not going to do it for fuck's sake.
Kenrya: I mean, that's literally what you are doing.
Erica: I mean, yeah. But you get what I'm saying.
Kenrya: You said earlier that you try to masturbate once or twice a week. Is Jerome still that nigga or-
Erica: Girl, girl so I've been playing with a lot of different toys lately and all of them require a charger. You've got to charge it like you're charging a phone. So it's usually whatever is charged. My little rubber ducky has been getting, I masturbated with it the other night and scared myself. Because I was like "Oh shit!" I was like, wait. Thankfully my son wasn't home but he definitely surprised me. So yeah, Donald is getting lots of play.
Kenrya: Okay. I think I know the answer to this, but what would you change about your sex life if you could snap your fingers and make it so?
Erica: What did you think it would be?
Kenrya: Well, your pussy is this acting a monkey right now, so I figured you would just snap your fingers and fix it.
Erica: Oh yeah, that. But I was thinking I would be hairless, well not completely hairless, but like, I'd like a shorn puss. I actually am thinking about getting laser. So that, which I actually think I can do.
Erica: And yeah, having a read out on my pussy, this is what's wrong as opposed to having to fucking tinker with it to figure out what's going on.
Kenrya: Yeah. Testing all the fucking levers to see which one is the one. Yeah. That's what's up.
Kenrya: What is a sex best practice that you want to share with our listeners?
Erica: One, pee after sex. I have a little bidet with the, "Shhhhh" I like that. That's a good practice. Two, don't let people with dirty fingers in your pussy, tell him to go wash his hands.
Kenrya: I mean, if your fingers is dirty, then your dick probably is too. So, ew.
Erica: And then also if you're really trying to let a nigga deep throat it, hang off the side of the bed and make that straighten up.
Kenrya: Does it help with the gag reflex?
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative). At least for me. But again, I eat everything.
Kenrya: So we normally ask people if they have any must have tools, but we talked about that on every episode, so-
Erica: Every episode. Wait-
Kenrya: What's turning us on.
Erica: Thank you.
Kenrya: Yes. All right, would you rather give up partnered sex or masturbation?
Erica: Because I'm lazy. I'd rather have somebody else do it.
Kenrya: What do you hope that people will learn from this walk through your sex life? Like what's the big takeaway?
Erica: That sex is human and can be funny and feel good. And sometimes it's about making mistakes and just learning your way through it.
Kenrya: Word. What's turning you on today?
Erica: What is turning me on? I went to the grocery store and found some pumpkin seeds. I've been eating pumpkin seeds like I'm walking to school every day. So pumpkin seeds are turning me on. And then I have dinner reservations for a really good restaurant tonight. And so, food bitch! So dinner and pumpkin seeds.
Kenrya: And you are fully vaccinated so you can go safely do that.
Erica: Yeah. I'll tell you about the place later because I'm not trying to give all my details, but yeah.
Kenrya: Yeah, no don't do that. Cool.
Kenrya: Well, that wraps up this week's episode of The Turn On. How did that feel?
Erica: I feel like y'all heard some of this already, but it felt good.
Kenrya: We do this every week, but yeah, I think it still gives a little slice of.
Erica: Everyone something in one episode. So you don't have to listen to every episode.
Kenrya: Yeah. But you should listen to every episode. You should subscribe also and you should also then go and watch them on YouTube so you can see us. Do all those things. Yes.
Kenrya: But before you go do that, let us thank you for joining us. Because we're done with this episode. We appreciate y'all and we'll see y'all next week. Bye!
Erica: Peace out! Two hoes making it clap.
Kenrya: That's us.
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us Kenrya and Erica and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Hit subscribe right now in your favorite podcast app and at youtube.com/TheTurnOnPodcast so you'll never miss an episode.
Erica: Then, follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. And you can find links to books, transcripts, guest info, what's turning us on and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com.
Kenrya: And don't forget to email us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com with your book recommendations and your pressing sex and related questions.
Erica: And you can support the show by leaving us a five-star review, buying some merch or becoming a patron of the show. Just head to TheTurnOnPodcast.com to make that happen.
Kenrya: Thanks for listening. And we'll see you soon. Holla.
The Turn On
The Turn On is a podcast for Black people who want to get off. To open their minds. To learn. To be part of a community. To show that we love and fuck too, and it doesn't have to be political or scandalous or dirty. Unless we want it to be.