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In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya read Rilzy Adams' "Ho! Ho! Ho!" and talk about people who seek out virgins, dealing with STIs, holding grudges, what the body knows, post-trauma rituals and the joys of rewatching—and quoting—"Waiting to Exhale" as adults.
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Kenrya: Come here, get off.
Erica: Welcome to this week's episode of the Turn On. This week we are reading “Ho! Ho! Ho!” which is a Christmas short by Rilzy Adams, which was published in 2020. So sit back, relax, get your wine, your weed, and whatever you need, and enjoy.
Kenrya: “Ho! Ho! Ho!” by Rilzy Adams. Myla's nerves were out of control. Was she really doing this? Could she really do this? She'd almost hightailed her ass out of the bar she and her date decided on before he showed up. “Myla?” She followed the sound of her name, tilting her head up to the man standing next to her bar stool. She almost melted in relief before anxiety settled on her stomach. Her best friend, Rihanna, had spent hours telling Myla about her misadventures with online dating. Myla had worried she might be catfished because Rihanna made it seem like that was all that happened. The man definitely looked like he did in the photos. He had the same warm, brown skin, shaved head, well-shaped beard and friendly smile.
Kenrya: There was one problem though. Most of his pictures were selfies or of him sitting his ass somewhere. So Myla had not expected him to be so big. She slid off the stool and welcomed him with a hug that had her feeling like a doll in his firm embrace. She stole a glance at his feet and blanched when she realized they were as big as the rest of him. The rest of him. The purpose of the meet-up slammed into Myla as she tried but failed to get a decent look at his printout in the dark blue jeans he wore. The conversation flowed nicely over drinks, so Myla pushed away her worries about the rest of the night in favor of enjoying his funny stories and dry sense of humor.
Kenrya: There was only so much conversation and cocktails they could have before the bartender started asking for the last orders, and they got to the part of the night that had Myla ready to hyperventilate. Was she really doing this? Could she really do this? And could she do this with him? Myla laughed drily, as she wasn't sure she had anything in her sexual arsenal, real or imagined to prepare her for this. "Let me just run to the restroom," she said, when she started entertaining thoughts of ending the date with a firm handshake before hightailing her ass back to the hotel room that she booked for the purpose of fucking someone who wasn't Donald alone. "No problem, I'll settle the bill."
Kenrya: She left him reaching into his pocket for his wallet, and took another glance at his massive-ass feet before she moved as quickly as her legs would take her to the bathroom. She had her phone out and ringing Rihanna before the door even closed. "Was it that bad?" Her friend said by way of introduction. "Wait, what? No. He's nice. No creepy vibes, and honestly hot as hell." "So why are you calling me before sunrise?" "I think he's got a huge-ass dick." Rihanna laughed, "I'm not sure I see your problem." "I don't have experience with huge-ass dicks." She could hear Rihanna shuffling around, and Myla wondered if she'd actually woken her best friend up. "You don't really have experience with dicks point blank," Rihanna observed, "Come on, you must've known that reindeers don't all have the same size antlers."
Kenrya: Rihanna broke into uncontrollable laughter the way she usually did whenever she teased Myla about calling her little adventure Operation Ride a Reindeer instead of something normal like Myla Gets Some Dick. "Can you have fun at my expense later, bitch? I'm freaking the hell out right now." Her friend took her time getting herself together. Once the laughter stopped and she caught her breath, Rihanna said, "Our pussies are equipped to handle big-headed babies. No worries, you can handle that dick. And don't call me back until you've fucked him." Rihanna disconnected the call before Myla could say anything else, leaving her standing in the bathroom, fighting the urge to run a mile, "Don't forget to Ho! Ho! Ho!"
Kenrya: The unbidden memory of the bartender she spent hours hatching her insane plan with floated through her mind, just as her resolve started wavering. She washed her face and took a deep breath. Okay, calm down, she urged herself, and go handle that dick. "You good?" The sound Myla made in her throat was noncommittal, but her date didn't seem too pressed about it. He was too busy telling her he had a great time, and hoped they would meet up again. It took him helping her into her coat and offering to get her an Uber before Myla realized that this man didn't come with the expectation of entitlement to get his dick wet. She had to peel Donald off of her after their first date, since he was as enthusiastic as a dog humping his owner's leg. But there was no such desperation from this man.
Kenrya: Wait, was it that he didn't find her attractive? Has she misread the signals she thought he'd been sending all night? Shit. Myla had never propositioned a man before. She couldn't even lean up and kiss him because he towered over her, even though she was damn near 5'7". "I got a room at the Hilton," she began, tripping over her words, "I'm not sure if you want to come back for a drink or something?" His dimples came out to play when he smiled, and suddenly her pussy was just as insistent as Rihanna that she go handle that dick. Or, at least, die trying. He caught his bottom lip between his teeth, and Myla flushed hot, imagining him doing the same to her nipples. "I could use a drink." He kept his hands to himself during the short walk to the hotel and sat on the bed, even as she poured a mini bottle of whiskey on ice for him.
Kenrya: He was waiting, she realized. Waiting for her to get comfortable, waiting for her to make the first move. But Myla was starting to wonder if she could. He shot back the whiskey in one go, and placed the tumbler on the nightstand before crooking his index finger toward her. "Come here," he said, patting his lap so that there was no misunderstanding his intention. Myla took a deep breath and steadied herself. He grabbed her when she was close enough to him, his fingers dug into her ass through the dress she wore, sending rivulets of pleasure shooting through her. He angled her so her crotch landed straight against his hard dick, and she made a small, startled cry in her throat.
Kenrya: Myla wasn't sure she believed the whole shoe size, dick size correlation theory. But it was spot on in his case. She could feel the panic creeping in, but he thrust his hips so his heavy dick pressed further against her pussy. She moaned, feeling her pussy moisten. Myla licked her lips and angled her head so he could press his mouth to hers as he rocked his dick against her pussy again, and then again, and again. The attraction that had been steadily building between them all night exploded, and suddenly everything was a frenzy. The urgency with which she grinded herself against his rock-hard dick, a frenzy. His teeth grazing across her neck and fingers, digging hard into her ass cheeks, a frenzy. The wetness pooling between her thighs, a frenzy.
Kenrya: She was high on anticipation when he helped her out the dress and dropped to her knees, parting her thighs before diving face first between her legs, and running his tongue along her slit before capturing his clit in her mouth and sucking. She jerked against him, a wanton scream ripping from her throat as she succumbed to the spine-tingling pleasure of his tongue, expertly working her over, paused. Myla would later reflect on how Donald wouldn't be dead eating her out like that. He fussed so much about eating her out at all that she generally left him alone. But she couldn't think about it then, not when this sexy-ass man dipped his tongue in and out of her pussy before he replaced it with a finger, and then two, and then three.
Kenrya: She was grinding against his face when the orgasm pummel into her. It took a few minutes before she came back to earth, panting hard and overcome with lust. She forgot she was ever anxious about another man touching her, and she forgot she'd been worried about the size of his dick when he started undressing. His boxers fell to the floor, finally revealing what had been hiding there. Fuck. His dick throbbed as if it could feel her staring at it. She couldn't move her eyes as he rolled on the condom he'd taken from his wallet. She peeped the packaging and couldn't stop the smirk from spreading across her face. He definitely was the market for Magnum XLs. "You good?" He asked, when he finally joined her on the bed. He hovered over her, bracing his weight on his forearms as he nibbled on her ear lobes while he waited for her answer.
Kenrya: Was she good? Well she was hornier than she'd ever been in her life, and anxious about him trying to fit his super-size dick in her, but it only took a few seconds to realize that she was good. In fact, she felt better than she had in a long-ass time. She felt freer than she had in a long-ass time. She was more excited than she'd been in a long-ass time. "I'm great," she said with a smile as his mouth found hers. She was trying to think of how she would handle that dick when he nudged his head against her entrance. But her pussy stretched, eagerly and happily, to accommodate him as he slid inside. And then, Myla couldn't think of anything at all.
Erica: So, Killa, give us the good old one-two, the rundown, the synopsis, the nitty gritty, the dirt.
Kenrya: Yes. So in this short, which yes, is set in Christmas. We was like, why do we have to wait till December to run some shit that we like?
Kenrya: So, it's now.
Erica: Sex is evergreen.
Kenrya: Exactly. Our main character is getting a divorce, or just finished?
Erica: She just signed, she just finished it.
Kenrya: Yes. So she's at a bar, and talking to the very cute bartender, and basically recounting all the things that she wishes that she hadn't done, and all the things that she wants to do. One of the things that she wishes that she hadn't done is married the first person who she fucked. One of the things that she wants to do, or the main thing, is fuck a whole bunch of people so she can find out what it is that she actually likes.
Erica: Test them dicks.
Kenrya: Exactly. So she's telling the bartender, she's feeling a little bit of a vibe, but they don't take it no further than him just being a really good listener while she pours out her heart over her drinks that he keeps coming. Then we jump to a year later, and they meet up again.
Kenrya: Dot dot dot.
Erica: And also what happens in between.
Kenrya: So in that year, she does exactly what she says she's going to do. I think she calls the men reindeer, so she wants to fuck with all of Santa's reindeer. So she does. So when she meets back up with him by chance while they were Christmas shopping, it's a year later, and he's like, "Yo, you've got to tell me all the stories of what you did in the past year. Are you counting the reindeer?"
Erica: [crosstalk 00:13:04].
Kenrya: So they go sit down, and she tells him all of the stories. So each chapter in the book is her telling the story of having sex with these various dudes. Then—how much do we tell?
Erica: Dot dot dot.
Kenrya: Do we leave it there? There's some attraction there, and then you see what happens.
Erica: Yes. Okay. To me, the biggest theme in this story was virginity.
Erica: I like how Rilzy wrote about it. I think that she wrote, like how virginity is, I don't know. People are like, "Virginity is a construct, right?" Just, it's your first time having sex.
Kenrya: Yeah. We hold it up as this precious, I don't know.
Kenrya: I did.
Erica: Precious flower.
Kenrya: Yeah. Oh, flower.
Erica: And there was something, there was a line in the first chapter where she said, Myla said, that she revered her virginity and her ex-husband fetishized it. And I thought that was so interesting. Because I think, on one hand, girls are taught your virginity is something so special and save it. And then you got these lecherous motherfuckers on the other side talking about, "I want to be the first to take it." You know?
Kenrya: It's just so nasty.
Erica: Interestingly enough, I've talked to ... What'd you say?
Kenrya: It just feels really icky to me.
Kenrya: And lecherous. I don't like it.
Erica: At all.
Kenrya: At all. Yeah.
Erica: But it's interesting that she talks about it like that, because she can look back and say, "Hey, this is what was put in me and what I thought made it special and important." Which then resulted in her falling in love and marrying the first motherfucker that walked by.
Erica: You know, that didn't have a problem with it.
Kenrya: That fell into her, yeah.
Erica: Because she mentioned, some dudes was like, "I'm good." And actually I've talked to guys who are hesitant to date virgins, at our age, at our big age. Just because they're like, "Yo, I don't want to be that special."
Kenrya: I mean, I have to imagine that if you have been saving it, waiting for the right person, whatever it is, right, that gets you to this age and having not had sex, that for some people, at least, there is a whole lot that is built into that. And yeah, if you get to the point where you trust somebody enough to actually go down that road, if they turn out to not be who you want them to be, or who they portray themselves to be, which we know happens all the fucking time.
Erica: All the fucking time. Unfortunately, it's par for the course.
Kenrya: That could be devastating. Yeah, yeah. But I can imagine it being that much more built up if it came attached to this thing that you have been waiting to do for literally decades.
Erica: Yeah. No.
Erica: We actually recently talked to an author, and she was talking about her virginity and was like, "Look, it was special to me just because I wanted to make sure that I had a good time."
Erica: That, I appreciate. The idea of your flower is precious, and it can't be spoiled, it has to be touched by the right person, that makes it a little like Lord of the Rings-ish, right?
Kenrya: It's interesting, right? Yes, yes. It feels very much like “my precious.” But also it's like, okay, you have these children who you are hoping will not just throw their pussy into the wind, or whatever part they got into the wind. So we haven't gotten to that point in this house in terms of conversations, and it's making me think about how do I frame that? Right now, all we talk about is masturbation, it's yours. And we talk about agency, nobody else should touch it. We haven't gotten to the point of, when you decide you want to share this pleasure, I guess I have to hope that the lessons I'm giving her kind of ladder up to that, right? In terms of who gets to touch you. All the lessons that we talk about around boundaries, all of that stuff goes into interpersonal relationships and who you choose to let into your space, I guess is where it goes.
Kenrya: I can't imagine myself saying, "Hey, that's your flower and it's precious." But I also want her to understand that it has value just like the rest of her.
Erica: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was talking to a young person who recently lost her virginity. Well, who recently had sex for the first time. She comes from a very sex-positive family. And well, let me take that back. Not that she doesn't come from a sex positive family, but her family, her parents are very like, "Look, you're an adult, adults do things, this is sex, yada yada yada." But also she had the whole society, church. She had sex for the first time with a guy that wasn't her forever love. And she really got down on herself.
Erica: I'm like, "Yo, it's okay. Did you enjoy yourself? Were you protected?" Let's focus on that. The fact that, I'd rather you have sex for the first time with someone that you're like, "I just really want to have sex with this person." And not build it up like, "We had sex because this is my future husband." Because then, that's really setting yourself up for something.
Kenrya: Yeah, that freaks me out.
Erica: Yeah, yeah. I was trying to talk to her, and explain.
Kenrya: Imagine if you had married the first person you had sex with.
Erica: The first.
Kenrya: Rock biter?
Erica: No, rock biter was the first person that kissed me.
Kenrya: The first kiss, yes.
Erica: I couldn't even say that boy's name, he played an instrument in the band. I couldn't even say if he was a percussionist, or a trumpet, trombone player or something. We're getting off, no no, no, no, no. Yeah. So just, I felt bad. To me, I was just like ... Because it's one of those situations where, it's not like it's special. But at the same time, this is your first time having sex, I want you to enjoy it or have a positive experience, not be riddled with this guilt. Like you did something wrong, or y'all did something wrong, you know?
Erica: This woman I was talking to, we were talking about the sex ed program, we're talking about setting rates. She said, "Sex and money are the two things that if you don't have enough of, something's wrong, and if you have too much of it, something's wrong." I was like, "Oh my goodness." Yeah. But there's never a just right, you know? Is there some world scale of how much money is just enough, or how much sex is just enough?
Kenrya: Too much in the terms of capitalism is bad, and if you're a billionaire, bitch give some of your money away?
Erica: Yeah. Don't be a Jeff Bezos. But also don't be a ...
Kenrya: Okay. But what's the equivalent in sex? Addiction?
Erica: Being a whore.
Kenrya: What's wrong with that?
Erica: Exactly, right? I mean, it's just people say, you know?
Kenrya: Yeah. Because I'm like, what's the ...
Erica: I don't think anything's wrong with having a whole bunch of money.
Erica: I want to be rich.
Kenrya: I want to be rich, but I don't think billionaires should exist.
Kenrya: We can agree to disagree.
Erica: Bitch, we can agree to disagree.
Kenrya: I just think that the system is broken when you have people who are hoarding wealth, and who are shitty to the people who they employ. And when you have folks who have to be on assistance and have jobs to be able to survive when the people who own those companies are literally on some Scrooge McDuck shit.
Erica: I don't disagree with you, I'm just saying, this is not a matter for us to disagree or not disagree. Because I ain't going to get to that point so you don't need to worry about me being faced with such a moral dilemma.
Kenrya: You don't know.
Erica: Well if I do, we'll revisit it, okay?
Erica: But right now, I'm not swimming in gold coins in my basement. But yeah, it's like that. You don't want to have somebody that's like, "I'm out fucking the world." This is not me, but this is them, they say. You don't want people to be out having sex with everybody, and you also don't want people having too much money. Because then it's like, "Oh my God, you've got too much money, what are you doing with it?" I'm thinking, not in a Jeff Bezos sense, but in the my cousin bought a yacht type, you know? Or she got a real nice car, she could be driving a Honda and give her cousin some, that kind of shit.
Kenrya: Lord, it's a prime example. I always tell my partner, the whole Karen whatever. I describe that as white people minding other peoples' business. This is like the prime example of folks minding other folks' business. Mind your fucking business.
Erica: Mind your motherfucking business, and not mine. Stay out of my puss, you know?
Kenrya: Yes, yes. That's a song, it's none of your business. Episode title.
Erica: If I want to take a guy home with me tonight, it's none of your business.
Kenrya: Home with me tonight, it's none of your business. And if she want to be a freak and sell it on the weekend.
Erica: Okay. Episode title. Yeah. I just think the whole idea of virginity ... Because if you think about it, everyone talks about this virginity thing. But there are so many fucking downsides to this one thing. Like there's so many downsides to, "I lost my virginity to him." Then there's like, he could be a dick, he could fetishize it. There's so much wrapped up into it. And it's like, nigga, what is the good of it? Other than controlling women and telling them.
Erica: You know?
Kenrya: Yeah. When we frame it that way, it's just like, I really like the way that you reframed that language when you're talking about the person who you had that conversation with. It's not that you lost this thing, it's that you had sex for the first time. Which puts it on par with having sex for the 36th time. It is an experience that you have. And that's it, right?
Kenrya: You try to maximize it. You should be, I hope. Of course, that's what we hope everybody who's listening to this show is doing, is trying to maximize their experiences and have the best possible safest time that they can have, and that should be it.
Erica: Yeah. But it ain't a first time, God damn, Okay.
Kenrya: [inaudible 00:25:03].
Erica: So Myla also mentioned, in passing, but it stood out in my head, that she said that she was faking orgasms with her partner. It was like, she mentioned it in passing in the first paragraph. But yeah, it was one of those, "I was faking it just to not hurt his feelings." Or something like that.
Erica: I'll be honest. I used to fake it.
Erica: To not hurt peoples' feelings, to get it over with.
Erica: But I've learned that sex is so much better if you're just quiet until he does it right. You've got to earn this squirm. Not that I'm completely silent. But I mean, I will guide and give direction. But I think that once I've lost the idea of trying to help please them, and make them feel better about themselves, it was like, oh.
Kenrya: They're having sex, they feel great about themselves.
Erica: Because then they're going to just keep doing what they're doing, thinking that it's good. It's like, no.
Kenrya: It's just, I always say, you teach people how to treat you, and the same thing goes for sex.
Erica: Teaching them how to please you.
Kenrya: I've never faked it. And more than once, I've told a nigga to get off me.
Erica: Get off of me, get off, get off, get off.
Kenrya: Listen, I'm not going to tell you that you're doing, that you're pleasuring me and you're not. Because then you're going to think that you should just do that again.
Erica: You're doing it. And honestly ...
Kenrya: And then that's what we're doing, and no thank you.
Kenrya: I'd rather not.
Erica: And not even on some, they're bad people. It's just like, "Okay, she liked this, I'm going to keep going."
Kenrya: That doesn't work for me.
Kenrya: Right. That's actually them being perceptive and receptive. If you moan when they touch you here, even though that shit don't feel good to you, if he's paying attention and tuned in he's going to say, "Okay, she likes when I touch this part this way, I'm going to do it again." So you're teaching them to pleasure you incorrectly.
Erica: The wrong thing.
Kenrya: Nah, yeah, I've never faked it. I have literally said, "Hey, you should just finish." I've said, "Hey, you should get up off me, right now."
Erica: I think it was when I was much younger. It was when I was much younger and sex, it was less about me, and more about what we were doing together. You know? Which it can be. But I'm fucking because I want to fuck.
Kenrya: Yeah. It just made me sad because it was like, not only is she having sex with this person and it's like the only person she's ever had sex with, so she's had nothing to compare it to. But also she knows it's bad, because she's not getting where she wants to get to.
Erica: Exactly. It'd be different if she was like, "Hey, I didn't know all these colors existed." But she's like, "I know there's some colors, I just ain't getting it."
Kenrya: Yeah. Which yeah, that made me feel bad. Also it brings me back to this idea of this person who wants to be the person to take something from you. Just it immediately puts me in a fucking narcissist head space, of I want to be the only one. I want you to think that this is all that there is, right? I am the only story that you get to tell. You can never know if my dick game is shitty because you don't have anything to compare it to. This is why I seek out ... It's like this predator, it makes my skin crawl. Clearly.
Erica: Yeah, yeah. This is why my biggest thing as a sex educator is, I feel like women end up loving the sex they're given and not the sex that they explore or learn to love.
Kenrya: Yeah. Or if they're lucky, right? Because they might also just hate the sex that they're given. Like Myla.
Erica: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I talk to women that are like, "Yeah, I like it from the back." It's like, "Yeah, out of the six partners you had, two of them did it really well from the back." But let's try it, let's explore, let's see what else is out there. Because you might find something that you realize, "Hey, I like." You know? Some things you can just look at and be like, "You know what? I see water sports, I'm not into water sports."
Erica: That's not my niche.
Erica: But I think that we don't get the opportunity to explore. In my mind, a nigga putting his finger in my butthole freaked me out, until that shit happened.
Kenrya: I was going to say ...
Erica: And I was like, "I'll be your little bowling ball."
Kenrya: Don't knock it till you try it.
Erica: Don't knock it till you try it. Yeah. I just think it's so important for us to explore. Do homosexual people have the same hangups about virginity as heteros?
Kenrya: Yeah. I don't know. I can't speak for the queer community. But I feel like we're all socialized to think that sexual contact with other people is, first we're taught that it's dirty, right? We're taught that it's dangerous. We talked about this, I think, on an episode with Jasmine, where we had this conversation about the ways that sex education is taught. It was somebody else, too, that sex education is taught in schools. It's all framed around, hey, you can get sick, and hey don't let anybody touch you. Like that's the way sex ed is taught in this country. I think that that is that beginning seed of that, shit, even going back before that when people are told not to touch themselves, that that's dirty. I think that there's all these negative associations that are attached to our genitals and to sex and to sexual interaction. I feel like we all get that, no matter how we identify or who we love.
Kenrya: I don't know, but I think it's all the same. I think we all get told. Then they've got the added stigma of the fact that you're taught that you're not supposed to like somebody that's not of the opposite sex. I feel like it's even fucking worse.
Erica: Yeah, yeah. I just hope that we haven't gotten there yet, except my child is in health class. I was like, "If you have any questions, I'd be more than happy to discuss them with you." He's like, "I ain't talking about that with you." In his mind he said, "I ain't talking about that shit with you." But he didn't say that out loud to me.
Kenrya: Shit so I think we had our first class about that in the fourth grade, when I was a kid. Damn, it's about that time.
Erica: See, it's supposed to be fifth grade here.
Erica: But then 'Rona.
Erica: So they're doing it in the sixth grade for the kids.
Kenrya: Okay, cool.
Erica: It's more about health. It's about health, but then this is a part of it, because they made you sign some waiver or something. I said, "So what are they talking about in class?" He said, "Wear deodorant." I'm like, "Well I'm glad they're covering that, too."
Kenrya: Good, because y'all stink.
Erica: I'd rather you have lots of discussion around that. Because baby ... yeah. Okay. Our main character, Myla, met this guy. He wasn't put off by her being a virgin, so he became her man. She married him. She found out he was cheating on her. And he gave her chlamydia.
Kenrya: Motherfucker, motherfucker.
Erica: You know what? This reminds me of ...
Kenrya: That happened to me in college.
Erica: We don't get to that. Because yeah, it's one of those things where I remember when I was married, and we were really trying to get pregnant, and I couldn't get pregnant. I just completely remember being like, "But I did everything right." No, and I can only imagine her being like, "I did everything right, I waited till I lost my virginity, and now, this is what happened." I just think, again, this is why this fucking virginity construct just fucking sucks. But yeah, so he cheated on her, gave her a STD. Every time I see save the dates, I think of STD. But yeah, so he gave her an STD. Would you like to share your story?
Kenrya: Sure. In college, fucking around with this dude, we were together. But it was definitely a very on and off for a couple of years in college situation. During one of our breaks, we were still friends, so it wasn't exactly cheating, but also it was lying. He said that he wanted to have sex with his best friend. We weren't together, technically, at this point. We talked about it. This was a person who I had always felt like they had an inappropriate relationship for someone who was in a relationship. And this was very much the beginning of the end. I was like, all right, well we ain't together, whatever. So he went and had sex with her, came back, we ended up getting back together. He had swore up and down that he used condoms, everything else.
Kenrya: Guess who goes in for her annual checkup, wasn't having any symptoms or anything. Just went in for my checkup, and they're like, "You have chlamydia." And I'm like, "What the fuck?" He's the only person I had sex with. He had sworn that he had used condoms with this person. I was dumb enough to believe him. When I said something to him about it he was like, "Well she was a virgin." I was like, "Nigga, she lied to you and you lying to me." I was like, "I could've ended up with pelvic inflammatory disease and been infertile." I had literally no idea. Thank God I regularly get checked for everything.
Erica: Were doing regular checkups and stuff.
Kenrya: Exactly. Because otherwise, I had no symptoms, I would not have known.
Kenrya: So yeah. It wasn't exactly cheating, but it was a lot of lying.
Erica: So you know, I think about two situations. Actually it was with the same guy. But not necessarily an STD, but my health was really fucking bad because of that relationship.
Kenrya: It was.
Erica: I kept getting recurring BV. In my mind it was just like, his sperm throws off my vagina. No, this nigga was sticking his dick in every goddamn thing. Bringing back, you know? Like no, my pussy don't mix with hers, that's what it is.
Kenrya: Yeah, he's throwing your pH off with other pussy.
Erica: Exactly so it was that. Then remember when I had those cysts?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: I totally forgot about it until, as I was working on this. I used to have these, everybody, well not everybody, people with vaginas and vulvas have what are called Bartholin's cysts. These cysts secrete fluids, part of what makes you wet, all of that. I said Bartholin cysts? They're Bartholin glands. I remember one day, I was in this relationship and it was bad relationship.
Erica: On one hand, I want to say I don't want to go as far as saying it was emotionally abusive. But I'll say that.
Kenrya: He was emotionally abusive. He was a fucking asshole.
Erica: Yeah. Yeah.
Kenrya: Everybody, we just called it as him being an asshole, but he was emotionally abusive.
Kenrya: And he was an asshole to everybody. I hated him. Sorry. I still feel strongly about that.
Erica: I appreciate it. Get you a best friend that hold a grudge better than you do. Okay, I remember, I don't know what, I think we were about to go out of town, it was something was really high stress. We had sex, and I felt like this bump, lump, something down in my vagina. Way down yonder in my pussy hole.
Erica: So I went to the doctor, and she was like, "Yeah, you have a cyst in this Bartholin gland. Sometimes it happens to women, we are going to lance it, drain it, it'll heal, you'll be fine." That shit was like a constant recurrence in my life, for probably about six months to a year, probably maybe even a little longer than that. It was to the point where literally, I was going to the doctor like every two, three months. It was literally a cyst the size of a fucking golf ball in your vagina. It gets so big, it pushes everything else to the side and be hanging out like ... Then it's like, it's a cyst so it's tender and sore, and you can't sit down.
Kenrya: And you have to use the ice packs.
Erica: You've got to wear ...
Kenrya: I remember we discovered that the ones that they give you after you have a baby were perfect.
Kenrya: Because you took all the ones from my house.
Erica: Then when you get it lanced, pretty much they lance it open, then I just had to sit on a fucking pee pad for days.
Kenrya: And like drain, yeah.
Erica: It was the fucking worse. The culmination of it all was, I had to get this surgery. Essentially what they do is cut it open, flip it back, and stitch it open so that it constantly drains. Hello. And then, I don't know if the surgery worked or if the relationship ended, and a bitch got better. But yeah, it was one of those things where I went through so much physical shit from being in this horrible fucking relationship, thinking it was just like ... No, bitch, your body is telling you in every goddamn way possible that this ain't where the fuck you need to be.
Kenrya: Right, body keeps score.
Erica: Right? It's crazy.
Kenrya: It always knows, it always knows. Even when you don't.
Erica: The body keeps the score.
Kenrya: Yeah. That's true.
Kenrya: That's true.
Erica: That was disgusting. I've had relationships where nigga lied and I got burnt.
Kenrya: Which is unfortunately, fucking common.
Erica: Too common and not talked about, right?
Kenrya: Yeah. That's happened to me three times. It also is like, okay. Because you think you're at a point where you can be having safe sex with someone, and not have to worry about that. But you know, niggas lie.
Erica: You're really just taking a chance.
Kenrya: You are.
Erica: So yeah.
Kenrya: A fucking gamble.
Erica: What'd you say?
Kenrya: It's a fucking gamble.
Erica: Yes, like the Tik Tok dance.
Kenrya: I don't know what that is.
Erica: The kids do this.
Kenrya: Do they?
Erica: You a hating-ass hater.
Kenrya: Listen, I don't even know. I don't even know. I feel like if your niece was here though, she would laugh at you.
Erica: Yeah. Hoe phase, post-divorce hoe phase. Our heroine, our main character, she realized she missed out on a lot of shit while she was married. So she said, you know what? I'm going to sample the delights of the world. I'm going to go and sew my royal oats. It made me think about post-divorce rituals, or post-trauma rituals. You know, how you come out of something and then you're like, "This is what I'm going to do."
Kenrya: Like when they cut off they dreads?
Erica: What'd you say?
Kenrya: When they cut they dreads, or they cut their hair.
Erica: Oh my gosh. Yep.
Erica: Again, “Waiting to Exhale,” I didn't understand. I liked the movie as a kid. But now that I'm an adult, nigga I love that movie.
Kenrya: I should watch it again. I mean, I know all the words, I watched it so many times as a kid.
Erica: Watch it as an adult.
Kenrya: [crosstalk 00:42:41].
Erica: It's going to hit different, as the kids say.
Kenrya: I say, "You raggedy bitch." At least every other week.
Erica: You raggedy bitch. You leather wearing in the summertime motherfucker. Me and my little sister used to say that about one of my aunt's boyfriends. Was it the same one that we cussed out and I sent you the video?
Kenrya: The other day? Yeah.
Erica: On the screenshots? I think it was. It was.
Kenrya: “You say niggas don't know how to treat you.” That's my shit. That movie.
Erica: Yeah. Of course, there is the ... But even think about, remember when the Deltas before us crossed, and then everybody cut their hair? Not everybody, but so many on their line cut their hair?
Kenrya: A lot of them cut their hair.
Erica: And they were like, "Did they do something?" Yeah. I found that.
Erica: But I cut my hair, coming out of my marriage. I think when I cut my hair, it was a sign to my ex-husband that like, this bitch is gone. She for the streets.
Kenrya: He said something in your therapy session, like, “Really, bitch?”
Erica: And she cut her hair. I was like, I'm a bad bitch, bad bitches cut their hair. But yeah, because to me, cutting my hair short was very much when I most felt myself.
Kenrya: Like yourself, yeah. For us it was like, "Oh Erica's back."
Erica: Iconic. Then it was just like, oh she's back. Yeah. When I cut it I was just like, "Yo, I'm ready for ..." I didn't even think of it that way, as like a start. But yeah, it was definitely an, "All right."
Kenrya: I mean, why did you grow your hair out?
Erica: For a nigga.
Erica: Because the nigga said he liked my hair. Yeah. I'd started letting my hair grow out because I was with a dude and he was like ... Same fucking relationship. But yeah, "You should let your hair grow, you should let your hair grow." So I did, thinking I'd fucking please this motherfucker.
Kenrya: You should suck my dick, fuck you.
Erica: I just fucking, the disdain you have is just ... Yeah. Then it was a thing. But no, this is Erica. Even now, as I try to let it grow out, see I have a little shangle dangle right there, hold on, right there.
Kenrya: I see. I see.
Erica: She's like, "Biracial girl. Biracial."
Kenrya: Oh my gosh.
Erica: But yeah, even as I let it grow out, it's only going to get to a certain point, then this is firmly Erica. I'll be that snazzy old aunt, driving her Thunderbird T-top, with her Benson and Hedges, and I might buy myself a cigarette pack. I don't think I'm going to put cigarettes in it, maybe change. But you get what I'm saying.
Kenrya: But it's a cute little, like a little purse that buy. Like a coin purse.
Erica: Definitely A's aesthetic. Fast auntie aesthetic. Now I got the long nails with the rounded tip, not a coffin. Okay yeah, so it made me think about just post-divorce, post trauma rituals, things that we do. I think, we always talk about a hoe phase. Everybody has to go through their hoe phase. Some people aren't meant for hoe phases. I don't think, did you ever have a hoe phase?
Kenrya: Yes I did.
Erica: Your hoe phase you were kissing a lot of boys.
Kenrya: No, bitch.
Erica: My hoe phase, I was having threesomes.
Kenrya: No ma'am, no ma'am. Okay well yes, our hoe phases were different. My hoe phase was after my ex died.
Erica: That was a wild motherfucking time.
Erica: Yes. Yeah. That was a wild time.
Kenrya: Yeah. There was a lot happening. I sewed all the oats in that time.
Erica: All the oats in New York City were sewn. We just going to call you Mrs. Quaker.
Kenrya: And other cities, and other countries.
Erica: Oh God.
Kenrya: Yes, it was a time.
Erica: It was a time.
Kenrya: It was a time.
Erica: What a time to be alive.
Kenrya: Yeah. But before that, I had never felt like it was something that I needed to do. I definitely thought that a hoe phase wasn't a thing that I needed. But I had gotten to a point where I was like, "I don't ever want to be in a relationship again, so I'm just going to be out here fucking these."
Erica: You know, yeah, I think all people go through that. Especially people just coming out of a divorce, they're like, "I'm never getting married again." If I'd known for sure when I got divorced, while I was married I was like, "This shit don't work. I'm done." Right? Then coming out of my marriage I was like, "I'd just rather be the auntie with Mr. Clarence who lives around the corner, and come spend the night. But he got his own place, and auntie got her own place." I think I told you about this, I went to a lunch, to a brunch with a bunch of women who had been married, divorced, and were on their second marriages.
Kenrya: Yeah, totally. Yeah.
Erica: They were like, this shit is pretty damn perfect. Because they were like, "I built this to be exactly what I want it to be, you know?"
Kenrya: You were intentional about creating what you want.
Erica: Yeah. That's the part I look forward to in finding my forever partner, for that shit to be like, good.
Erica: But until then, this pussy's for the streets.
Kenrya: I definitely went through a period where I was like, "I'm good, I'm good." Then I was like, "Dip my toe into dating." Then it was terrible. Then therapy and everything else. And now, fuck. I have so much joy. I don't even want to imagine ...
Erica: But you didn't think that it was possible to get this much joy from a relationship.
Kenrya: I had never experienced this before. Yeah. Well I have a lot of joy in general, but the relationship is a contributing factor, as opposed to something that's dragging my shit down, which is what it used to be.
Erica: Yeah. It's like adding salt. It adds salt to your life. Everything's there, but it just makes you taste it, everything else so much better.
Erica: Yeah. Here Erica go with her food-ass analogies.
Kenrya: Food is delicious.
Erica: I was talking to this chick, one of my breasties. She was like, "All you do is eat." I said, "Yeah." She was like, "I didn't realize that." She said, "I knew you liked to eat when you were talking about, you prefer to have an early morning surgery." Then she was like, "Yeah, I like morning surgeries because the doctor's fresh." I'm like, "No, I don't want to have to wait all day to eat."
Kenrya: You've got to be NPO all day.
Erica: She was like, "You hungry ass. All you do is fucking eat." I was like, "Yeah, girl."
Kenrya: I think that's a good reason, though. Because you're fucking NPO from midnight. Yeah, no, let me get this over with so I can eat.
Erica: Yeah. I come out of surgeries like, "Food."
Kenrya: You do. So we always make sure we coordinate so your ass can eat as soon as you get out.
Erica: Yeah. One time, because you know I have a wheat allergy. So one time I was coming out, and they're like, "You have wheat allergy on your thing, we can't give you these crackers."
Kenrya: Them fucking crackers, you said.
Erica: Bitch you going to give me the motherfucking crackers, or we going to be here fighting, I'm going to flip something. I'm like, crackers and cold apple juice. Okay. So we have a hoe phase, we have cutting hair. What other post-trauma, post-divorce rituals?
Kenrya: I think folks go on trips, like girls’ trips kind of a thing.
Erica: Yep. I'm doing my Eat Pray Love.
Kenrya: Exactly. I don't know. What else do people do?
Erica: Jump into shitty relationships.
Kenrya: A friend of a friend did that, and then I got a text saying that it was over and I cheered.
Kenrya: Yeah. I was so very glad to hear that.
Erica: I think when I first started dating post-divorce, I did meet some nice guys. Some were kind of weird, but I did meet some nice guys. I remember being very clear about the fact that girl, this shit ain't going to last. Not, I knew it had an expiration date. But I knew this shit wasn't going to last. Because I was like, "Bitch you going through some shit. This ain't going to be the same." So yeah. Haircut, and trying to think if there's anything else, anything interesting that I've heard about.
Kenrya: I remember going back into my wardrobe and pulling out the color. I hadn't realized how drab, you know what I mean?
Kenrya: Here we are, call me Kenrya 2.0. I just started dressing again, and wearing lipstick. I hadn't been wearing makeup. I mean I never wear anything but lipstick, but I hadn't been doing any of those things. I very much was like, "I'm still this person."
Kenrya: I don't have to be ... So I pulled out all my lips, and pulled out the clothes I loved, and got back to myself in a lot of ways.
Erica: Because I think that there's a point where you want to connect with that person that you were. But then you've also got to match up with that person that's learned so much from this situation. Then that makes you Kenrya 2.0, or Thick and Juicy 2.0.
Kenrya: Yes. Spoke that shit into existence.
Erica: I did. So when I was in college, I was rail thin. I had abs. I was like a stick. And the running joke among all my friends was that I was thick and juicy. I'd call myself thick and juicy, I'd get drunk, I go out, I meet men. What's your name? Thick and Juicy. They was like, "What?"
Kenrya: There was no thickness, there was no juice.
Erica: One of my linesisters used to call me Thin and Dry. She's like, "Okay, Thin and Dry." Yeah.
Kenrya: You got your grown woman weight, you spoke that shit into existence.
Erica: I spoke that shit into existence.
Kenrya: Got an ass you ain't have.
Erica: Now, I got a wagon that I'm dragging. Cheaters. Have you ever cheated? Or do you want to plead the fifth?
Kenrya: Yeah, no, I cheated once.
Kenrya: I did. Story. So I was in a long distance relationship, and the guy was in law school. You know him well. It was the end of his freshman year. You know in law school, they only ... Are you serious? You can't think of who this person is?
Erica: Keep talking, keep talking.
Kenrya: Lord have mercy. They only have exams at the end of the year.
Erica: Is that the one with the white girl?
Kenrya: Who is that? Just think about it. So I went to go visit across the country for just a regular visit. And I remember the moment when I decided I was done, he was talking about, that there was some book he was supposed to have for class, and he was like, "I mean, why I got to buy it if I can just get somebody to give it to me?" I remember in that moment being like, "This nigga's lazy, and he gon be lazy forever." In my mind, in that moment, I decided that this relationship was over. But he was getting ready to go into finals.
Erica: Was this the one that didn't eat pussy?
Erica: Yeah. With the white girl.
Kenrya: Well he did, but he complained about it. No, he's not married to a white girl. I'll tell you later.
Erica: Yeah, we don't have to do it. I was going to tell you to just hold up a sign, but nevermind.
Kenrya: So I fly back to New York. I can't. I fly back to New York and I'm like, "All right, this is over, but I'm going to let him rock and let him finish his finals." I'm like, "I don't want to drop this on him as he's trying to study and prepare. Because you know, I'm a nice person." Meanwhile, there had been somebody who had been sniffing around for quite some time, very much on this, "If I was your nigga, I would never ..." in my ear all the time.
Erica: Niggas is the worst.
Kenrya: I was just like, well, yeah. I was like, in my mind it was over. Yeah. It was wrong, because we were still together. But also I was literally just biding my time until he called and said he was done with his last exam. So I went over to nigga's house, and it was definitely a mid-20's, early 20's, however the fuck old I was situation. There was a lackluster massage. There was a, "You've got to take off your shirt because [crosstalk 00:55:51]."
Erica: [crosstalk 00:55:52].
Kenrya: Yeah. So that was that. I did it. Whatever. Yeah, I kind of felt bad. But honestly, not really. Because in my mind, it was over, and I wasn't doing anything to grow the relationship. I was just waiting. A week later, he was done. Called him up and was like, "This ain't going to work. We ain't the same. We should end this." And he basically was like, "Okay." I was like, "Thank you for making this shit easy. I guess I should've told your raggedy ass a week ago."
Kenrya: Then I went ahead and had this blemish on my record.
Erica: So it's a blemish with an asterisk, okay?
Erica: You know.
Kenrya: Then that was that. That was it. That's my cheating story. That's the one time I ever cheated on anybody. You?
Erica: All right, next?
Erica: I'm not going to say that I'm a cheater. But I will say that I have cheated in the past.
Kenrya: Cheating has happened?
Erica: Yeah. I'm trying to think of a situation that I can tell, that won't leave me. That will keep ... There have been situations in which I've cheated, let me just say that. Most of them have been, the relationship was almost over. And we was just holding on to each other. I think if he found out that I had cheated, he'd be like, "All right, I was, too."
Erica: Not that it makes it any better, because it's still dishonest. I'm not a cheater now. Well, no one is a cheater. I don't cheat now. I'd just rather be like, "Look, this ain't working." But to say that I haven't in the past would be a big-ass lie, don't stand next to me, because I would get struck down by our Lord and Savior. Okay. What'd you say?
Kenrya: Welp. I said, "Welp."
Erica: Well, with that, I think that wraps up this part of the story. This part of the episode. Do you have anything else to add, Kenrya?
Kenrya: No, we've got to go pay some bills right quick.
Erica: Yep, and we'll be back.
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Kenrya: What's turning us on?
Kenrya: Did I get that right that time?
Erica: We're going to talk about ...
Kenrya: What's turning us on.
Erica: No, you didn't do it, okay. Five, six, seven, eight. We're back, and we're going to talk about ...
Kenrya: What's turning us on.
Erica: Okay. We're keeping all that shit in here. Okay. So y'all, today, what's turning us on. Okay. We went to the only and most important HBCU in the world, Howard University, right?
Kenrya: We can't say that.
Erica: So we went to a very important HBCU. The world would be without ...
Kenrya: They're all important.
Erica: The world would be without certain people, certain greats, if it weren't for ...
Erica: ... the mixing pot that is known as Howard University. Anyway, so one of my HU classmates recently started making candles. And in addition to just regular old candles that smell good, she started doing massage candles. I fucking love these. They smell good. You burn them, they make the whole house smell good. You go like this. Well, okay, I learned with massage candles, I used to just do this and dump it on a nigga's back. Ain't supposed to, my bad. Rub it in your hand, you put it, then go like this. And you do a massage. Don't do one of these. I stick my dick in? Okay. Don't do, "Can I stick my dick in?" But this is a really great massage oil. It smells good, it feels good, and it is created by, I'm sorry you can tell I've been using mine, is created by a Black woman.
Erica: So if you want a sexy massage candle, she has a bunch of smells. Flavors.
Erica: A bunch of smells from vanilla to strawberry to come smell like a man, to whatever.
Erica: She ain't got a, you don't call it come smell like a man. But whatever.
Kenrya: I'm like, “What is that smell?”
Erica: But you know, more masculine, earthy tones. So she has a really dope website. She sells the massage candles and also a few other things. But the massage candle's what sent you. So we will include a link in our show notes, if you are interested, and go hit her up.
Kenrya: Yeah. That's what's up.
Erica: All righty. I think that wraps up this week's episode.
Kenrya: We done.
Erica: We out, motherfuckers. Ding ding ding ding ding ding. Ding ding ding ding ding ding. Ding ding ding ding ding ding.
Kenrya: You're trying to fade it out.
Erica: Bitch, you're not supposed to be talking while I fade it out. Bye y'all. Oh, this is Erica and Kenrya, two hoes making it clap. Ding ding ding ding ding ding.
Erica: Turn it off.
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Hit subscribe right now on your favorite podcast app, and at YouTube.com/TheTurnOnPodcast so you'll never miss an episode.
Erica: Then follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod, and on Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. And you can find links to books, transcripts, guest info, what's turning us on, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com.
Kenrya: Don't forget to email us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com with your book recommendations and your pressing sex and related questions.
Erica: You can support the show by leaving us a five-star review, buying some merch, or becoming a patron of the show. Just head to TheTurnOnPodcast.com to make that happen.
Kenrya: Thanks for listening, and we'll see you soon. Holla.
The Turn On
The Turn On is a podcast for Black people who want to get off. To open their minds. To learn. To be part of a community. To show that we love and fuck too, and it doesn't have to be political or scandalous or dirty. Unless we want it to be.