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In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya dig in the mailbag and answer questions about inconsistent partners, how far is too far to drive for sex and how much to disclose before you do the do.
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Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Erica: Hey, y'all. Welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On. Today, we are going to give you, what? Just a tip.
Kenrya: Oh, that too.
Erica: Just a tip, a quickie. A quickie. Today, mailbag questions. We got some really interesting questions this time, so I hear. Killa, take it away.
Kenrya: Okay. Our first question reads, "So, I'm 25 and living in a small but major city. I got out of a long-time entanglement when COVID hit and just have been trying to get back into dating. I'm somewhere in between dating with purpose and just fucking because men are trash. I was talking to this one man but we stopped because he was inconsistent so I broke it off. He hit me up and wants another chance. To be clear, the head and dick game was always bomb but should I do it? It's like I need to get broken off, I'm just off my period and I got a fresh wax." Lord, have mercy. "Do I just need to hop back on the dating sites or give this man another chance? He's not terrible but I hate inconsistency. I'm also not trying to raise no grown man who can't communicate but it's a pandemic and dick is not just as available as it used to be. Help."
Erica: For me, I think it's not a difficult question to answer once you figure out what the fuck you want from this person, right?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Because this person seems to not quite be entirely certain.
Erica: Yeah. If you're like, "Hey, I want some dick and that's all I want." Then, yeah, give him a chance because it's a panny. Aint nobody trying ... It's hard finding someone new, right? But, to me, if you're trying to determine whether or not you want to give him a chance to actually be with him, be with him, then that's some soul searching you going to have to do. I'm going to say no.
Kenrya: He already shown you who he was. Ugh, no. Inconsistent niggas stay inconsistent.
Erica: Yeah. And if he ain't consistent in the beginning when shit's gravy, he ain't going to be consistent later on. What do you think?
Kenrya: I mean, I say no all around because here's the thing, right? Even if you just decide that you want this person for dick, they inconsistent so you can't even count on their being consistent dick. I'm like if all you want is somebody who you can call when you need it, who you can trust to be safe and to be taking care of themselves in the middle of a fucking pandemic and not exposing you to other people's germs, then maybe you need to find somebody who you can trust to be consistent in that way too.
Kenrya: This person is already showing you that that's not who they are.
Erica: Okay. Yeah.
Kenrya: Or you could just hit it once and keep it moving.
Erica: Yeah. Just at this point in the panny, trying to date is just a whole situation.
Kenrya: And I say that as somebody who has regular dick so take that with a massive grain of salt.
Erica: And understand I'm the one without regular dick so we come from different sides of the tracks per se. Erica, single, don't have consistent dick. I say, if you're just giving him another chance to give you some dick, then by all means, give him another chance to give you some dick. If you trying to have a relationship with the nigga, no, he's shown that he's inconsistent.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah. Or just have sex enough to take the edge off and then you can use that calming time.
Erica: Give him enough to clear your brain and then actually go do some work.
Kenrya: Exactly, and you can get on the apps and do whatever and find somebody who you can actually trust with you heart and your pussy.
Erica: And your pussy.
Erica: Okay, next question.
Kenrya: All right. "I'm a bi woman trying to date in the pandemic. I haven't seriously dated a woman since my college girlfriend but I've slept with a couple in the last four years. I want to date more women but can't seem to find anyone out there. It's not that I'm picky but I am. I went on this date Friday with a woman and it was a straight six out of 10. She hit me up saying she wants to do it again, but something fun like paintball. The issue is she lives an hour away and she suggested that our date be even further away than that. I know there's not many women out here to date but an hour just seems excessive for a date, especially when I don't really see it getting serious. It's just I feel like it can be just on and off fucking. What I know is that I won't drive an hour for pussy and I wouldn't for dick so should I cut it short? What are your thoughts?"
Erica: Yeah. Because at this point, it feels like you are just entertaining this person because-
Kenrya: Just because.
Erica: Yeah, because you're like, "I want to date a woman." The way you described it definitely described it as just, "I'm here for the Cheddar Bay biscuits. I'm here for the free bread." I would cut it off just because it sounds like, and I am queen of this, it sounds like you can end up in a situation where you're in deep with somebody and they're like, "I love you." And you like, "How the fuck we get here?"
Kenrya: Right. Eyes all big and shit, like oh my God.
Kenrya: Yeah, yeah. I'm with you. I feel like ain't no sense in playing with her emotions. If you ain't into it, then you ain't into it and ... Damn, have I driven an hour? I have driven an hour for dick.
Erica: Girl, I've driven an hour for dick, I've driven to Philly for dick.
Kenrya: Yeah, you did. But it was because I really wanted it and then when I didn't want it anymore, I didn't do it anymore, and-
Erica: And it wasn't a consistent dick, for me. It was like, "Somebody up here, I'm going to have some sex." But it's not like we fucking regularly and I'm driving constantly up there.
Kenrya: Yeah. I wouldn't fuck with her emotions. You said it was a six out of 10, that's mediocre. I don't want mediocre nothing, right? Not no mediocre dates, not no mediocre fucking, not no mediocre connection. Why do it to yourself? I'm sure you can find another woman somewhere out there who would actually want to fuck more than a six out of 10.
Erica: Yes. And if that date is six out of 10, ain't no telling what the sex is like.
Kenrya: Right. Because if you don't have that spark, if there's no chemistry, then why bother?
Kenrya: Next up, "I'm very sex positive and pro hoe. I'm also pro choice and pro damn near everything else. When I have the sex conversation, I usually state three things. One, the number of partners I have. Two, I'm not on birth control. And, three, I wouldn't have an abortion if I got pregnant. I've already had one and I just know the physical and emotional stress it takes. I know telling men I've had one makes them take my statement more seriously but am I oversharing? I also want to normalize abortions because I believe it is normal but is there a line?" It's a great question.
Erica: Girl, I was about to say, you sharing too much by telling the number of partners you've had.
Kenrya: I don't ... No, they didn't say that I have, or she doesn't say that I've had-
Erica: Oh, that I've had. The number of people that's in rotation.
Kenrya: Currently, exactly. They say “have.”
Erica: I don't think that that's oversharing. I think that it gives everybody a-
Kenrya: Level playing field.
Erica: Yeah, like this is what we're doing, this is where we are, and I think we'd all be a lot better if we could actually have those conversations to start with, right?
Kenrya: Yeah. I think it's super mature. And obviously it also kind of puts your, not your politics, but what's important to you right up front and the way that they respond will also tell you a lot about who they are and whether or not they're somebody that you want to further engage with and it's interesting because there isn't such thing as giving too much information. Once I started learning about boundaries in relationships, I learned that there can be people who have no boundaries and those are the folks who tell you every single thing that has ever happened to them on the very first phone call that you have and then you have to wonder about how much they share all the time with everybody and whether or not that's a relationship you want to get into. But I don't think that this is that. I think that this is being really clear about what's important to you and then hopefully they are also giving you their take and it opens up great conversations too about where their head is at. No, I don't think it's oversharing at all.
Erica: I don't think it is. I actually think it's a really good practice.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Share on.
Erica: Share on, person. Share on.
Kenrya: Yeah. All right. Here's our fourth and final letter from the mailbag.
Erica: This shit sound messy.
Kenrya: All right. "I'm really not over my ex nigga, no lie. He was sleeping with me while he had a pregnant wife, which was a shock to me, and got me pregnant. I was 24 and he was 33 so I knew I didn't want to stay pregnant and apparently, neither did his wife. Fast forward a couple months and, boom, I find out he has two kids already, nine and 10. Like nigga, I teach that age group. What the fuck? I know hanging out and talking is just a bad idea because I honestly don't know how you can betray someone and deceive them like that but what do I do and how do I get over it? I already have a therapist,” word to therapy, “and she says it just takes time but it's been like six months." There's two questions here, “What do I do?” And “How do I get over it?” Okay. First of all, what do you do? You leave that nigga alone. This is ... I block niggas for saying that they alpha males.
Erica: I blocked a nigga because he had a cat.
Kenrya: Yeah. You don't need a reason to block a nigga but this nigga has given you all of the reasons to block them. First, I think what you do is you cut off contact. This is a person who has told you that they don't have a problem lying to you about fucking life.
Erica: Kids. How you missing a whole person?
Kenrya: Two whole ass people that already—like they came out your balls. Yeah, nah. Nah. This person does not deserve to be in your life and to have another chance to lie to you and they've done nothing to show that they ... As far as at least not what you included in the letter, to show you that they wouldn't do it again.
Erica: Yeah. You got to get this nigga out your system. You got to act like he don't fucking exist. You need to block him. If his name is Jeremy, every Jeremy on the street you need to avoid. Get this nigga out of your system and then remind yourself of what he did from a ... Not to me, I don't know him, but like imagine if your girlfriend was telling you this story, you'd be like, "Girl, you might know him, the dick might be good, but the shit ain't right." Just remind yourself that you deserve more and that if you lying about this shit, what else would you be willing to lie about?
Kenrya: Right. And your therapist is right, it does just take time. Niggas be wilin’ and, honestly, a lot of times, the best way that you can get perspective and distance is to give yourself space and time to get there. It's interesting, I still have moments where, like the other day, I was in the bathroom, I don't know, cleaning the tub or some shit, and had a flashback to some ignorant shit that I let a nigga say to me and then I had to stop myself and say, "Hey, you didn't let him say that to you, that is something that he chose to say. Now your reaction was what it was but you wouldn't go back there." And reminding myself that, "Yeah, this was fucked up and this was years ago." And that shit popped back up on me, which is why I say, yes, it takes time but giving yourself that space to ... Like meditation, when they say when the thoughts come at you, just let them go on by. When you have thoughts of this nigga, just let them go on by.
Kenrya: Don't pick up your phone, don't go on the IG and look at no photos, don't send a text, just let them shits flow by and recognize that they don't mean that you want to be with him or that you need to be with him but that thoughts just sometimes pop up and that's okay. But you don't have to act on, except for to keep that nigga out of your space.
Erica: That's a good way to put it, girlfriend.
Kenrya: Yeah, let them shits go. Well, that's it for this week's mailbag episode.
Erica: This is Erica and Killa, two hoes, making it clap.
Kenrya: Two hoes, making it clap. I don't even try anymore.
Erica: Yeah, I went too fast.
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Now you can support The Turn On and Get Off, subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app, then drop us a five-star review and you'll be entered to win something that's turning us on. Just post your review and email us a screenshot at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com to enter. Our Patreon page is also live. Become a supporter today and you'll gain access to lots of goodies, including The Turn On Book Club and two for one raffle entries and don't forget to send us your book recommendations and your sex and related questions. And follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram at @TheTurnOnPodcast. You can find links to books, merch, transcripts, guest info and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. Thanks so much for listening and we will see you soon. Bye.
The Turn On
The Turn On is a podcast for Black people who want to get off. To open their minds. To learn. To be part of a community. To show that we love and fuck too, and it doesn't have to be political or scandalous or dirty. Unless we want it to be.