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In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya amble through Kenrya's sex life and talk about the impact of trauma in the bedroom and revel in the joy that comes with letting the right one in.
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Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Erica: Hey, y'all. Welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On. So you know we do our This Is Your Sex Life series, and we've decided, since we dig in everybody else's pussies and gooches ... I'm so happy I learned that word. Being that we dig into everyone else's gooch, we decided to dig in our own gooches. So today we will be learning-
Kenrya: [crosstalk 00:00:40].
Erica: We'll be digging in the gooch of my lovely hoe-host, Kenrya. So-
Kenrya: Yeah. I don't know that I'm ready.
Erica: I know. I was-
Kenrya: I feel like-
Erica: ... totally not ready when you did mine. I was like, "Wait. I got to sit here-"
Kenrya: Yeah. It's a little...
Erica: "... I got to shave my legs for this."
Kenrya: Bitch, I ain't shaved my legs since January.
Erica: Girl, so I didn't shave my ... I mean, I hadn't shaved my legs for a really long time. You know I buy everything, everything I buy, gadgets, widgets, whatever. So I have an at-home waxing kit. So I waxed my leg. I burnt some of myself, so I didn't keep going.
Kenrya: So you got one leg partially waxed?
Erica: I mean-
Kenrya: I mean, I too, would have stopped.
Erica: Okay. This is…
Kenrya: I also would never have done it, because I wouldn't have trusted myself.
Erica: I mean, it was fine. It's just the wax was a little too hot, and then I had to keep going over a particular spot. So I got to work on my technique, but I'll be doing waxing soon. So come on. Bring your hairy back down. I'll do you.
Kenrya: Just pay somebody to ... No. That's one of the things I'd rather pay somebody to do.
Erica: Yeah. I won't be waxing my gooch, but you know. Okay. So let's jump right in. When did you first remember masturbating?
Kenrya: So I don't really know how old I was, but so we had a couch where all the pillows could come off the couch, the bottom cushions, the back cushions, and I definitely remember ... You know I'm an insomniac, and I've always been an insomniac, even as a kid, and I just have these memories of being in the living room on the couch on the floor making shit happen.
Erica: Rubbing one out to go to bed?
Kenrya: No. I mean, probably. Ultimately, that's what helped me fall asleep, but yeah. Everybody was sleep. So the nighttime was my time.
Erica: The nighttime is the right time.
Erica: Okay. So what was your preferred technique?
Kenrya: It was the pillow.
Erica: Was it that couch hunching? Or-
Kenrya: It was always the pillow. It was the couch hunch.
Erica: Okay. All right. How old were you when you had your first kiss?
Kenrya: Okay. So I was in the second grade. So what is that? Seven?
Erica: Seven. Yeah.
Kenrya: Five, six, seven. Something like that. Yeah. It was with a boy who I am currently Facebook friends with, who left our school system shortly after that but still maintained all his friends, and he was-
Erica: Was this-
Kenrya: You never heard of him, because he was-
Erica: Was this the person that somebody found in another country?
Kenrya: Mm-mm (negative).
Erica: Okay. All right.
Kenrya: No. Oh, no. That was high school. No, no. I mean, literally we were babies, babies, babies, babies, and it was just a little chaste. We were in line. You know how they used to make you line up to walk into the building at recess and before school?
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kenrya: We were standing in line, and we had a little kiss, and that was that. That was my first kiss.
Erica: When we ask that question, first kiss, I always think about first, and everyone else thinks about ...
Kenrya: That? Yeah. I mean, that's the first time I kissed somebody that wasn't my family or auntie or somebody.
Erica: Yeah. Well, my answer was the first time I ... Okay.
Kenrya: I don't remember the first ... I mean ...
Erica: Because it wasn't traumatic.
Kenrya: Well, no. Well, yeah, but it's the-
Erica: You didn't get attacked by an angler fish.
Kenrya: It's the traumatic stuff that I usually can't remember, because you know the way my brain work, which is why my answer's probably going to be "I don't know" to a lot of stuff, because trauma has fucked up my brain.
Erica: It's like Swiss cheese.
Kenrya: It is.
Erica: Your memory's like Swiss cheese.
Kenrya: There's just holes all up and through this bitch. I don't know.
Erica: That's what she said.
Kenrya: Yes. It was probably middle school some time. I don't know. My first serious boyfriend, cross town boyfriend where we made out made out for the first time, I think I was like 14, and I know there was a whole lot of kissing and hunching. So I don't know. Maybe then.
Erica: So you know what I just thought of?
Erica: As a mother of a preteen boy in middle school, them motherfuckers don't brush their teeth. They don't wash their ass properly, and we was out there just kissing the little motherfuckers in our mouth and hunching.
Kenrya: I mean, we probably shouldn't even have been touching their hands, to be honest.
Erica: To be honest. TBH.
Kenrya: Yeah. Yeah.
Erica: Oh, my gosh.
Kenrya: Now we got COVID on top of everything else, which is why I'm like, "In-person?"
Erica: Yeah, because I literally have to verify that my child has brushed his teeth by either touching his toothbrush or him blowing in my face. So I just-
Kenrya: I check rags to make sure the showers have happened.
Erica: Yeah, and y'all out here just being on top of each other.
Kenrya: Yeah, and I can smell you. So-
Erica: That's disgusting. How old were you when you had a sense of your gender identity?
Kenrya: I think that I have always felt like a girl, but I think that's always because that was what I was told that I was. Nobody back then was asking or ever making any space for you to think that you were anything other than that. I've never felt like the prototypical girly girl or anything like that. Even though you know I love a good shangle dangle, it's not really from a pink-
Erica: Yeah. It's more from your inner "I need sparkles and shine."
Kenrya: Yeah. Exactly. It's not really a gendered thing.
Erica: Not from a "I'm a girl."
Kenrya: Exactly. It's just I like shiny shit, but I hate ... All the stereotypical things that I think that they try to put on you as a person who has been assigned female at birth have never really been my jam. Yeah, but yeah. I've always felt like a girl, and I absolutely feel like a woman. I also am at a point in my life where the idea of gender feels ... I don't know. I just don't care. It just feels very constructed, because it is.
Erica: Yeah. Like we're forcing boxes that don't need to ... Yeah. Yeah. It's like these don't even need to exist. Why are we hung up on them? I always loved the color pink, but I kind of shied away from the color pink just because I feel like it's like one of those bullshit girly colors, and so I was always like "I'm not like that," but now I'm embracing-
Kenrya: You're embracing it. Yes.
Erica: ... the color pink. This nail is broke, so we're just going to do this.
Kenrya: Do that. Yeah.
Erica: Again, it's more of a "I just like this fucking color" and less of a "This is what girls are supposed to like," because I also love blue.
Kenrya: Yeah. I mean, blue's been my favorite color for my whole life, but also, of course, we know that colors don't have shit to do with gender-
Erica: Yeah. I'm actually going to sing you-
Kenrya: ... which is why I've always been ...
Erica: Keep going.
Kenrya: I'm just saying that's always been weird to me that that's a thing that we do. It's been interesting, I think, in raising my kid and raising myself and seeing how my ideas of gender have changed. I've realized that there were a lot of parts in me that had issues with it even before I had a kid. Think back to the shower invitations that I picked out for you to send. Everything was green and yellow and white, and I registered for everything to be gender neutral, and it was always a really big thing for me to not do that to her, but also I was like, "Well, I might have more kids, and I don't want to be having kids in these stereotypical whatevers," and it was ... You know.
Erica: Listeners, I had to have a come to Jesus with Kenrya, because after her child was born, she finished everything. She packed up stuff and stored it at my house, because I have-
Kenrya: I did.
Erica: ... a lot of space, and so I had to be like, "Girl, we going to get rid of this." Some of it, you willingly let go, but some of the stuff, the stuff that came to my house, you were like, "Well, I want to hold on to it if I have another kid," and I was like, "Bitch, if you have another kid, we going to have all new shit, because we ain't having kids by broke niggas that need old shit," especially because the older her daughter gets ... I mean, I am all for good hand-me-down, because I was just about to say I'm going to send you these pictures of these couches that I'm going to buy off of a friend. I need you to look at them, but yeah. I was like, "Bitch-"
Kenrya: I don't like soft surfaces from other people's homes. You know how I feel. So I'm probably the wrong person to show.
Erica: You just tell me if they look good. Okay? I'll tell you the story behind them.
Erica: But anyway-
Kenrya: I'll put my other shit to the side. No. This is true, and so I donated all of that to a charity that supports people who are getting into homes after experiencing homelessness. I gave it all away.
Erica: Yeah, because I was like, "Girl, even if you do decide to do this again, we ain't doing it the same way. So let's give this baby new energies and all that stuff."
Kenrya: That's true, and nigga, I literally said to myself last night ... Bedtime was so rough last night. I was like, "I ain't doing this shit ever again." That's the first time I said out loud, "Nah. I'm done." There's no 85 percent. There's, "Nah. I'm out."
Erica: Mother's Day, I went to the mall, and I was walking around, and there was these little-
Kenrya: Oh, wait. You were inside a mall?
Kenrya: Oh, wow.
Erica: There was these little kids. I just needed to be out. There was these little kids, and these little motherfuckers were going boneless in the mall, and I was just like, "Girl, ain't no motherfucking way." They was like ... and flopping out and losing their bones and their daddy dragging them and the momma in Bath & Body Works like, "Fuck them kids," and I was just like ... The lord put this on my spirit. The lord knew that this is what I needed to see on Mother's Day.
Kenrya: You needed to see that on that day. Yes.
Erica: I was like, "Ooh. Ooh." I was doing a Heisman past them little kids. I was like, "This is disgusting. Hell no."
Kenrya: Yeah. I remember the last time my kid went boneless, and I was like, "This is why you can't go nowhere in public. If this is how you going to act, then you always going to be at home." Luckily, she's moved past that phase, but now we on some other shit.
Erica: Yeah. She's on passive aggressive teen angst. Tell us about the first time you had partnered sex. How old were you, and what was it like?
Kenrya: I was 18, and I was very much the person who I am now as it related to the first time I had sex. So it was very planned out. It was-
Erica: Wait. First, it was a more or less-
Kenrya: I'm going to tell you. I'm going to tell you the story.
Erica: No. I'm saying who you were as a person. I feel like the person you are now is, yes, the person that you were then, but more of a "I need to control every aspect of this" than you are-
Kenrya: Well, it wasn't-
Erica: ... as a person now.
Kenrya: Yes. Thank you, but also, this wasn't really about control. This was about planning, because I was a teenager who couldn't just have someone in her home.
Erica: Yeah. Yeah, but ... Okay. So yeah, but I just wanted to also acknowledge that-
Kenrya: Recognize my growth.
Erica: Yes. Exactly.
Kenrya: Thank you. I appreciate that. So It was prom weekend, senior prom. I was with this raggedy nigga-
Kenrya: ... who I had been with all year, yeah, who constantly smelled like Black & Milds and had one long pinky finger that he used to split them shits and ... It's true, and he wore a white tux and a white, furry Kangol that, and-
Erica: That is so 1999.
Kenrya: And Cleveland, and he was getting on my nerves the whole time, and it was a bad day. My dad didn't make it home to see me off. So I got myself dressed on my own and left out of the house with zero fanfare and went to our homegirl's house to take pictures, and he was late. It was not a good day, honestly, but I was so determined to do this thing that I had planned to do. So I had told my dad that everybody was staying at this hotel. That was not true. It was only me and my partner. Nobody else's parents had given them permission, but my dad was like, "Everybody else said okay? All right." So I had booked a hotel room.
Erica: Was it a nice hotel, or like a Knights Inn?
Kenrya: No. It wasn't a motel, although we did have Knights Inn, and I did actually spend my very last time hanging out with this man, this boy, whatever, was at a Knights Inn.
Erica: See? I knew it. I knew it.
Kenrya: It was on your spirit.
Erica: It was on my spirit.
Kenrya: Yeah. That was a whole ’nother situation. No. It was a ... I don't know. Maybe a Holiday Inn. Whatever it was, it had an outdoor pool. It was decent. I wasn't yet as afraid of soft surfaces in random places as I am now, because that shit just icks me out now, but writing a book about bed bugs will do that to you. So it was like this whole plan, and I went and got the room ahead of time and all of this shit, and so again, he getting on my nerves the whole night. He wasn't a fun date, and the year before, I had gone to prom as a junior, because where I went to school, the juniors plan the senior prom, and my junior prom date was fantastic. He was my homeboy. He was the emcee. There was nothing romantic, but we just had a bomb-ass time. Now I'm with this raggedy nigga and did not have a good time, so I was not ... You know how when you have a really good date, by the time you get to the sex, you're primed because you've been having such a good time, you've been laughing, you feel good? There was none of that. But we had built it up as "This is going to be our night." We had played just the tip and all of that stuff before then, but this was like-
Erica: You said you playing just the tip like it was a new type of spades.
Kenrya: I mean, that's what it felt like in the back of my car, or my dad's car. I didn't have no fucking car. On the street, not under a streetlight. But so this was like, "Okay. We going to do this for real," and honestly, I don't even remember much except for that it wasn't much to remember. It was in a hotel room. I know it hurt. I know that I did not enjoy myself. I know that I really only did it because I was 18 and felt like I had planned and I wanted to go through with it.
Erica: This is time.
Kenrya: Yeah, and it didn't even occur to me that I could just be like, "You know, this night don't feel right. I don't want to do this," because I had built it up as this big, huge ... Like we were just talking about on another episode, this whole losing-my-virginity thing was a big fucking deal, and I wanted to go through with it because this is what I had planned, and I had spent money I didn't have to get us in this room and set this mood and buy all of this spermicidal lubricant and all of this shit, and so I did, and yeah. It was lackluster, honestly.
Erica: I think one of the best things that I learned as an adult, and I think we're both really intentional on teaching our children, is that it's okay to change your mind, you know?
Erica: For some reason, you have this "I said it, so I got to do it" in your head, because I mean, you learn "If you say you're going to do something, deliver," yada, yada, yada, but it's so valuable to ... Especially little girls. If you don't want to do it, then don't. You don't have to please everybody. You are pleasing yourself and yourself only. So if...
Kenrya: You can change your mind, and you can leave.
Erica: Yeah. Yup. If not being-
Kenrya: I didn't realize that until I was grown-grown.
Erica: My big age, yeah. Yeah. I think that that's a good thing that you recognize and also that we're teaching our children not to do.
Kenrya: Yeah. For sure. So yeah. That was my first.
Erica: And respect when other people choose to change their mind.
Kenrya: Absolutely. Hundred percent. Yeah. So that was that.
Erica: Okay. When did you first have an orgasm with a partner?
Kenrya: Yeah. I was trying to remember this after I asked you this when we did yours. I'm sure I was in college, because I started having sex senior prom, and I know it wasn't with him. So my guess is my sophomore year. I'm sure one of those times I ended up cumming, in college. Yeah.
Erica: Yeah. So I'm thinking now. As a kid, masturbating and orgasms were very different from the first time I had a for-real-with-a-partner orgasm, right?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: But once I had a for-real-with-a-partner orgasm, then I was able to be like, "Ooh, we going to make that happen when I'm at home alone." Well, not at home alone. When I have my nighttime-is-the-right-time time.
Kenrya: Then you know what you could shoot for ... Although, honestly, to me, they're never the same, and maybe that's because I tend to just rely on clitoral stimulation when I masturbate as opposed to ... Internal stuff doesn't really get it for me when I'm masturbating. So it's never the same as when I got both going when I'm actually having partnered sex and it's like I'm floating. It ain't the same. Yeah.
Erica: Yeah, because it's one of those things like I would rather have somebody else doing it than me, you know? It's something about not-
Kenrya: It's not that for me. It's not because I would rather have somebody else doing it for me. It's because there's so many different things happening at once-
Erica: Well, yeah. That's what I meant.
Kenrya: ... that the sensory ... I got extra hands on me. I got internal and external, and because I'm ... You know. My hands is in the mix too, but there's just so much happening at once that it's like this amazing overwhelm, and I don't get that same thing on my own.
Erica: Yeah, because you trying to hold your phone, play with your toy, and then you drop your phone on your face, like, "Oh, shit," you know?
Kenrya: I'm like the only person who can't really listen to this show to get off, because it's just me.
Erica: You're like, "Bitch, you reading." Yeah. Yeah. One of my family members was like, "I'm listening to the show. I just can't listen to Kenrya read, because that's like my little sister reading." I'm like, "Sorry."
Kenrya: Yeah. That's why I know a few of our friends who can't listen to that part. They'll be like, "Girl, it's too much."
Erica: I just skip over it.
Kenrya: That's what I would do.
Erica: Yep. Okay. What three words would you use to describe sex in your teens?
Kenrya: Scant, because I didn't start until I was 18, planned, and delayed. I was still very much like, "We got to be together for a certain amount of time before we going ..." So it was the first dude, the high-school dude, and then there was another dude my sophomore year. So I guess I was still a teenager then, and I think that's ... I only had sex with two people as a teenager, and with the first dude, it was like ... I don't know. We were prob together a year or year and a half or something like that, and then the second dude, we were ... It was five months, seven months? I don't know. I remember it was a bunch of months, but I also remember that it was fewer. It was a shorter time than with the person before, and then of course, with each person it got ...
Kenrya: Shorter. Yeah.
Erica: Damn. You letting them get cheese.
Kenrya: So yeah.
Kenrya: Yeah. Never transactional, but always just ... I threw away this idea that ... I don't know. It wasn't about earning it. It became more about me doing it when I wanted to do it, as opposed to when I thought I was supposed to do it.
Erica: Yeah. Yeah. Shedding those expectations is so freeing, and I'm happy that I did, and I'm still working through that in some other areas and other things, but once you let it go, you're just like, "Oh. This is living." Okay. Give me three words for sex in your 20s.
Kenrya: It was fun, it was surface level, and it was ... I don't know. Let surface level be two words.
Erica: Fun, surface, level. Okay.
Kenrya: Level. Yes.
Kenrya: Yeah. So it was fun because I was in my fucking 20s. You'd come up for the weekend, and we would hit the club, and-
Erica: You had the knees and the stamina.
Kenrya: Yeah. Yo. We'd be on them tables, and we'd be wherever we'd be. It was a different time. We'd pop up in random ... Not random cities, but in other cities, and have good old weekends, and it was a fun time, but it was also ... I talked a lot on this show about serial monogamy from me, which was honestly just me not wanting to be alone. So it'd be these long relationships with these men, where I was usually at least mostly sexually satisfied, and then when I would decide that I didn't want to be there anymore, I'd move on, and I'd usually have a few people in rotation and narrow it down and then get into another relationship, and that was what I did, and I got married in my 20s, and I mean, that was not a great experience for me. It wasn't a great experience sexually. It wasn't a great experience emotionally, physically, none of it. It was shit.
Kenrya: So I think all of that is kind of tied up in there, and I say surface level because in my 20s and through my marriage, I was still very much concerned about what other people thought about me. So in general, just walking around with people, strangers, people who I knew, people who I was having sex with, I don't think that I was really ... I hadn't stepped into what it was that I liked. I hadn't stepped into what it was that I wanted. I wasn't really vulnerable enough with any of my partners to be able to have those type of conversations with them, and so I wasn't really getting what I wanted. I was just getting what they were putting down. So absolutely surface level. There was none of the joy that has come with sex in this last decade.
Erica: So yes. Three words for your 30s and your two, three weeks of 40s.
Kenrya: Couple of weeks into 40s? Yeah. Joyful. Man, I have so much fun.
Erica: I love it.
Kenrya: God, it's good. It's joyful. I should have really thought about what these words were going to be. Do you know where I came up with this question, the three-word question?
Erica: No. Where?
Kenrya: So it was when I was at Howard working on a paper and I interviewed DJ Jazzy Jeff, and I asked him to give me three words to describe hip hop when he started and hip hop at the time, which must have been like 2002 or something like that, and he was like, "That's the best question anybody's ever asked me," and so I've used-
Erica: He like
Kenrya: Yeah. I've been using iterations of that question for decades now.
Erica: It's a good one, because you're trying to boil down so much into one word, because fun just isn't enough to say, you know? It's fun.
Kenrya: Yeah, but then it gets you going.
Erica: It's great. It's amazing, but there's so much more to just fun to give it, you know? Words can't describe this properly.
Kenrya: Yeah. Okay. So joyful, vulnerable-
Erica: I'm sorry.
Kenrya: And carefree. Like I was saying, in my 20s, I cared so much, and now I don't care at all.
Erica: Yeah. Yeah.
Kenrya: You sent me a meme the other day talking about how ... There was the bitch talking about now the quarantine is over and people expect you to come out the house, and she was making excuses, and you was like, "This is you, except for you don't make excuses anymore."
Erica: Like, "I don't want to." Oh, okay.
Kenrya: Yeah. I just don't do things if I don't want to do them, and that extends into my sex life, and not just on a negative part, like not doing things, but I do the things that I want to do. I introduced toys that I want to do. I use positions that I want to use. I don't do anything that I am not interested in doing. I don't care if you're going to judge me. In fact, if I think you're going to judge me, then you're not-
Erica: Then you ain't fucking. Yeah.
Kenrya: ... somebody who I'm going to actually have sex with. Exactly, and it's not ... I think there's a temptation to perhaps view that as some selfishness, and I would wholeheartedly, obviously, disagree. It's more about I've gotten to a place where I know what I want, and I choose to do it with people who not only respect and understand that, but encourage it. It's joyful because, I mean, some of the best times that I have when I'm having sex is when we're laughing as we're experiencing. It's just fun, and it doesn't have all of this stuff heaped on it. It's not that I'm having sex because my partner has been counting the days since I last had a period and now is pressuring me because we haven't had sex in 10 days. True story. It's just there's none of that there. It's just I'm doing it because I want to.
Kenrya: Then the vulnerable part of it is that ... I remember being married and my ex-husband trying to get me to masturbate in front of him, and I was so incredibly uncomfortable, and I didn't want to do it, and I did it because he was pushing me to, which again, this version of Kenrya is like, "Nah. Fuck you." But also, blame goes to him for trying to push me to do something or for pushing me to do something I didn't want to do, but blame goes to me for not being able to stand up for myself and say that it wasn't something that I wanted to do, but also for being married to someone who I didn't feel that I could be vulnerable enough with to do something like that, and I think that the thing that I lacked in previous relationships in my 20s was that I wasn't able to ... Because I cared so much, I wasn't able to let myself go in any way, really. To go back to what you were saying about control, I felt like I had to be very controlled at all times, because I was worried about being judged.
Erica: Control how I'm seen, how I'm perceived, what I ... Yeah. Yeah.
Erica: Vulnerability is a bitch, because I didn't start having really good sex until I was able to be vulnerable, you know?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: And not worry about what a nigga thinking about. Tell us about a sexual experience that you remember fondly.
Kenrya: I don't know. So there was this guy who I'd had a little tiny bit of a crush on in college, but everybody boosted his head up, and I don't participate in that, and so it never went anywhere, and then after college, we reconnected. You were there, in New York.
Erica: I don't know.
Kenrya: Yep. It's fine.
Erica: We keep saying we're going to tell each other, and then we forget.
Kenrya: Then we forget.
Erica: Then I'm in the shower like, "Damn. Who was that so-and-so?" So anyway. Okay. Sorry.
Kenrya: So eventually we started hanging out, and I remember it was still very much, again, not able to ... This was definitely 20s and still not really able to just ask for what I want. I mean, everybody knows now. With my current partner, I was like, "Yeah. I want to fuck you," and that was our second date. Back then, I couldn't do it, and I remember he came to visit me, because we lived in different places, and we ostensibly were going to watch a movie. We put one on, and five minutes into it, that was not what was happening.
Erica: You only get past the credits.
Kenrya: Yeah. So we end up in the room, and I mean, again, details are always fuzzy to me, but I remember it was like part of it, I think, was because it was the first time, but it was always good with him, and it wasn't because he was well endowed, because I've talked about him being schmedium before. It was just-
Erica: Was this that person we were-
Kenrya: ... he was very good with his hands.
Erica: ... we were talking as a group, and they were like, "Ooh, he loves some Kenrya"?
Kenrya: No. No. We never had sex.
Erica: Okay. Okay.
Kenrya: No. You know who this person is very well, and-
Erica: I'm writing a note to ask you.
Kenrya: Okay, and I just remember it was in my New York apartment and it was summer. It was hot as hell. So it was just a fan blowing, and remember them fans where it'd blow and so sometimes it be on you and sometimes it don't?
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative). A good oscillating fan.
Kenrya: Yeah. It was just hot and sweaty, and I'm not one for a long session, but we missed the entire movie, and it was just one of these things where it was just this very long time coming because of all of the years that we had been friends and had never gone there, and I just ... It was one of those situations where I was having flashbacks for the next week of just-
Erica: [crosstalk 00:34:53] flashbacks.
Kenrya: Yeah. Being at work like-
Erica: [crosstalk 00:34:56] drooling like ...
Kenrya: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I picked that one because it's ... When I look back, I've had a lot of really memorable moments since then, especially in this last decade, but I think it's the first time that I had sex where it felt like ... That's going to sound really bleak. I was going to say ... Remember when ... Shug said, "You make it sound like he's just laying on you and going to the bathroom on you." She said, "That's what it feel like."
Erica: Yeah. I was going to say. I was going to say, the first time that you want to. You want-
Kenrya: It's not that I didn't want to before.
Erica: Not that you were ever forced, but it was just like it was desired and you felt it.
Kenrya: Yeah. It was like once you read about it ... Well, we read about it in these books, right? It wasn't just "Oh, we're together, and having sex is a thing that we do," right?
Erica: No. I want your dick in me. That.
Kenrya: Yeah, like I am going to explode. It's all the things that you read about, like I'm going to fucking lose my shit if we don't do this right now. It was the first time I think that I had ever felt real passion in a situation, and-
Erica: That's it. That's all you needed to say.
Kenrya: Yeah. Yeah.
Kenrya: Yeah. That shit imploded. But that was a good moment.
Erica: I'm literally waiting to stop recording so I can ask you who this person is.
Kenrya: If you think about it, you know who it is.
Erica: I don't. Okay. Was this the Easter Day situation?
Kenrya: No. Hell nah.
Erica: See? I don't know. Okay. Anyway.
Kenrya: That was two seconds.
Erica: Yeah. That's why I'm like, "It couldn't have been that.
Kenrya: No. I'll tell you later.
Erica: Yeah. Okay. I'm about to start dropping too many hints. Okay.
Erica: What does your sex life look like now?
Kenrya: It's the fucking best. I am a lover of books. I am a lover of music. We call my dad the king of R&B. I grew up listening to all of the R&B songs.
Erica: Your Daddy and them CDs.
Kenrya: Oh, my God, and before that, the fucking vinyl, and I just ... You know, you hear all of this stuff, and honestly I never ... Even as I was always listening to these songs where folks were declaring their undying love for people, there's always been this very cynical part of me that rolled my eyes at that shit, like, "Okay. Yeah. Hearts. Flowers. Fuck you," and some of that is like that cool-girl thing. You're too cool. You're above it.
Erica: I'm too cool to ... Yeah.
Kenrya: “I don't celebrate Valentine's Day.” Fuck, what? Nah. So the concept of coming up against the love of your life has always felt very foreign to me, and for good reason. I had never really truly been in what I would look back on as a healthy, loving ... There was like one in there that was okay, but just a truly healthy, loving relationship? Nah.
Erica: I saw something on Twitter or Instagram, I don't know, and it said, "Healthy and loving relationships look like they're fake," or something like that, "if you've never experienced one," and that's ... I totally get it. I find myself very cynical at times. I'm like, "Ain't no fucking way these niggas that in love," but I have to check myself. I mean, not with you, because honey, being up on there, you'd be like, "Bitch, y'all made for each other," but I have to check myself and be like, "Yes. It's possible, and that's why the fuck you single right now, because you're holding out for that," you know?
Kenrya: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Erica: It's possible.
Kenrya: Because it's there.
Erica: It's attainable, you know? Yeah. So okay.
Kenrya: I was cynical, and so a part of me thought maybe it was attainable for other people, but it wasn't even that I was actively thinking it wasn't attainable for me. I never thought about it. I don't know. I just didn't think it was a thing, and then it was, and now it is, and I mean, even sometimes talking about my relationship on this show, I sometimes be like, "I know these bitches probably tired of me. They're probably tired of hearing me talk about how good my man is," where I'm like, "Well, actually, nigga." But just know, God, y'all have no idea.
Erica: Well, I will say that I am so happy to see you-
Kenrya: Y'all have no idea what I went through before that.
Erica: Yeah. I'm happy to see it. I think a bunch of us got together and ... Are you crying?
Kenrya: A little. Yeah.
Erica: I love it.
Kenrya: I don't want to cry on the show.
Erica: Bitch, it's fine.
Kenrya: I went through a whole lot before I got to this point. I talk about a lot of stuff on this show, but y'all don't really know.
Erica: Nope. Y'all got the tip, just the tip of it.
Kenrya: Yeah. So to-
Erica: So let me just kind of love on you a little bit. I love your relationship, because I see his love for you, and his love for you isn't just a romantic love. It's like an all-encompassing love. He loves it all. He's got that wrap-around love, like you, the kid. You're going to make sure that I'm good, because if I'm not good, you not going to be good. So let me just shut the fuck up and make sure Erica good too, and I want to see her smile, you know? It's beautiful, and you are so deserving of it. We all talked about this at your birthday party, because we were literally lit. We were litty like a titty, and he would just come poke his head in, "Y'all need some more liquor? Y'all need some more champagne? Let me go get y'all some food." It was like, "Yeah," and so I think you're so deserving of it, especially because we think about-
Kenrya: I think we're all deserving of it, but damn. It's like a testimony-
Erica: We've seen it.
Kenrya: ... like God, y'all know where I came from.
Erica: Yeah. I mean, we've all seen it, and even more than that, I think some of our other friends love it that much more because they remember ... I saw it as it was happening, so it was kind of like the frog being boiled. I didn't know how fucked up it was until it was fucked up, and I'm like, "God, how you going to get out of it?" whereas our friends was like, "Okay. I'm going to sit down and tell y'all this story," and then they got smacked in the face with it, and so then they're like, "Oh, my God. I can't believe it. You deserve so much more," and then you're actually living it, and it's beautiful to see. You give me hope. You give me hope, because honey, if he don't love me like that, get the fuck on.
Kenrya: Our therapist told me two weeks ago ... We were talking about something, and she was like, "I talked to thousands of people during this quarantine," and she was like, "When I tell you that all of them hate their niggas," ... She was like, "The cis straight women hate their niggas. Gay niggas hate their niggas." She was like, "Everybody-"
Erica: Niggas hating niggas.
Kenrya: Yeah. She was like, "Everybody is over it." She was like, "You are the only person who is probably even more all in on their person at this point." She was like, "You give me hope." She literally said the same thing that you just said, and I was like ... I told him, and of course you know this nigga got a big head, but yeah. So all that to say my sex life is awesome, and that is in large part due to the fact that I am legitimately in love for real.
Erica: Yeah. It's hard to have a great sex life when you don't like the motherfucker. I mean, maybe if you like toxic dick, but yeah.
Kenrya: Yeah. No. You know that's absolutely it. I mean, literally, at one point I wasn't even-
Erica: Mind and body follow one another.
Kenrya: Right. So I remember not being able to get wet in my marriage, and this nigga was like a hotep, so he was trying to make me take some Dr. Sebi shit, and-
Erica: We going to stop you from having your period so that you can get wet.
Kenrya: I ain't had no other complaints. It was literally that my body was like, "Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Let's stop this."
Erica: The body keeps the score.
Kenrya: Exactly. So yeah. It's great.
Erica: On average, how many times do you have some sort of sexual contact in a week?
Kenrya: Maybe three or four? Yeah. Usually, once during-
Erica: Are there certain times of day? [inaudible 00:44:41].
Kenrya: Yeah. So I prefer daytime always just because I be tired and my fatigue is very, very fucking real. So it's made it even worse, where it's hard for me to get to late in the day. By the time my kid goes to bed, it's 9:00, 9:30, and then he comes over after that, and then I'm struggling. So typically ends up being in the mornings, and then we usually are able to get in another couple of sessions on the weekends when she's with her dad, because we can just be wherever whenever. But on a typical week, we'll say three to five, depending on if she’s home or she not. So it feels good and comfortable.
Erica: That's a lot.
Erica: That's a lot.
Erica: That's good though. You know what? That totally brought me back to ... You were in a relationship where we have sex every single day, and we was like "Bitch, don't tell my husband," but now you're in that same place, but it's very different. You're like, "Yeah. We fucking a lot. We fucking fucking."
Kenrya: But that was-
Erica: But it's ... You know.
Kenrya: Yeah, but it's because we want to, and back then it was because I was basically being coerced to, and I think about that. I think about that conversation sometimes, and I remember ... God, I was so naïve, and harmful, honestly. I remember in that conversation saying, "Yeah. I have sex whenever he wants to have sex," and I was positing that as if that was me being a good wife, and it's fucking bullshit. I was having sex whenever he wanted to have sex, because he was a fucking narcissist and an asshole, and if I didn't, it would turn into a whole thing, and I pray that I didn't harm anybody by saying that. You know what I mean?
Erica: Yeah. Yeah. I think your-
Kenrya: Now I'm only doing what I want.
Erica: ... outspokenness now has made up for that conversation.
Kenrya: I hope so, because holy shit. Bad advice. Bad advice. Bad, man. Yeah.
Erica: How long does a session typically last?
Kenrya: Well, if it's a morning quickie, like my kid is walking around the house, probably about 15 minutes. If it's a middle of the day, she not here, it could be anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour.
Erica: Is this 30 minutes of complete action, or 30 minutes of like we playing and we stop and watch a little TV and then roll back over and do it again?
Kenrya: No. I mean, that's continuous. That's-
Erica: A complete action? Full activity.
Kenrya: ... foreplay, toy. Yeah. Yeah.
Erica: I'm so lazy.
Kenrya: No. Girl, please, and then sometimes ... Last week, we woke up early for who knows what reason. I gave him head. So that was like 15 minutes. He hopped in the shower. We laid back down and started watching something, and then he back on top of me. So then we had penetrative sex. So that was two separate situations, but all told, it was probably ... Each one was 15 minutes, and it was probably about an hour, because there was 30 minutes in between, but no. Usually, that's continuous. Each person is giving and getting and getting a toy and doing a couple of this position and this person cum, and then doing that position and that person cum, and then we done. Yeah.
Erica: Okay. Where do y'all usually do it?
Kenrya: It usually really depends on whether or not my kid is here.
Erica: [crosstalk 00:48:47].
Kenrya: That also depends. So if she's here, it's the bed, period. That's just where it is, because that's the room we can go in and lock the door. If she's not here, it's usually either the bed or the couch that I'm sitting on right now. I use bleach wipes and a towel, because I'm very ... There's always a towel, because the leather is cold, and there's always bleach wipes after. It's funny. So we used to alternate whose house we stayed in on the weekends, because you know he lives literally-
Erica: Yeah. I noticed that shit stopped.
Kenrya: He lives close. Once the quarantine happened, we stopped alternating, and part of it was because his HVAC-
Erica: He lives in a more-
Kenrya: ... sucks in his place.
Erica: He what?
Kenrya: The HVAC sucks in his place, so it'd be hot as hell once it gets hot outside, and then yeah. He lives in a ... There's other people around. Not in his ... He's in an apartment building, and we can hear the neighbors fucking, so I know they can hear us fucking. But that ain't why we stopped. It was mostly temperature control. It gets too fucking hot in his place, or it's too cold. Here, you know how I keep my house.
Erica: It's like a sauna in that joint. I come in there, and I'm like ...
Kenrya: So imagine what I mean when I say it's hot in his place, if it's ... Yes, and then it's cold in the winter. So it's just more climate control here, and it just started to feel easier, and so now we ... Yeah, but over there, it was wherever we happened to be.
Erica: He literally just came in and sat behind me like ... My dog. When he did that little birthday video, I definitely thought he was in a hostage situation. Hit room was giving very much-
Kenrya: That was his office, I think.
Erica: It was giving very much "Hold up the paper to prove what day of the week it is."
Kenrya: Well, he is a man, but he does ... You know. He's a man, but that place be sparkling when I come over there. He always cleans before I come.
Erica: It's not that it wasn't clean. It was just real-
Erica: ... sparse. We'll go back to your word. Sparse.
Kenrya: Yes. Yeah. My place has art on the wall. Well, now he has art, but it's a man's, and he always says he only got that place for me, because the place he was living before that ...
Kenrya: I only went there like once or twice, and he was like, "Okay. I'm going to move."
Erica: I have a friend-
Kenrya: So he literally moved for me.
Erica: I have a friend who recently started dating, and she was like, "Do men really live like this?" and I'm like, "Yeah. They do," especially if-
Kenrya: They do.
Erica: I have a friend, and his house is ... It's just him, and his son who's older will come and stay every now and then. His younger son comes and stay. He has shared custody and stuff, but that house ... I'm like, "Don't you miss my bed? Don't you like my mattress?" because bruh.
Kenrya: You know what's funny though?
Kenrya: He has a better mattress.
Erica: Well, now you know how-
Kenrya: I miss-
Erica: Now you know that your mattress will be the guest room mattress.
Kenrya: Oh, yeah. No. We going to burn this shit. Yeah. I miss his mattress. We wake up, both of us, with fucked up backs half the time, but it doesn't make sense to buy another mattress for my bed, because this bed is so small, and when we move, we won't be using that shit. So we just kind of toughing it out, but it's like ... We all know his bed is so much better, so much better.
Erica: I love it.
Erica: You've gushed a lot, which I appreciate and love. Is there anything else that ... Well, what's the best part about your sex right now?
Kenrya: It's fun. It's just fun as hell. It's just-
Erica: I love it.
Kenrya: Yeah. I enjoy it. It never feels like a chore. It never feels like something I got to get through. It's just something that I do because I want to do it and because it's fun as hell, and I always cum.
Erica: Yeah. Unless you don't want to.
Kenrya: Yeah. Only time I don't cum is if I don't want to. Yeah.
Erica: What's the most frustrating part?
Kenrya: I think the most frustrating part is trying to leave ... Well, two. Okay. Two things. One, just trying to be quiet. I'm not quiet. Well, I am quiet, but I'm not quiet in that situation, and so trying to not attract attention to myself is tough, because yeah. My kid is not a baby anymore. So yeah, and then the other part is sometimes I have to work at leaving behind the old attitudes that I brought to sex because of the harmful relationships I was in, so I've caught myself ... I remember it was some time last year. I woke up, and I was like, "Oh, he probably want to have sex." I was like, "But I don't really feel like having sex, but I should have sex," and I had to talk myself through, like, "I don't have to have sex with him just because he probably wants to if I don't want to."
Erica: And he's a grown-ass man. So if he wants to have sex, he'll say something.
Kenrya: He'll say something, and then I'll either do it or I won't.
Kenrya: But there's so much residual having lived that way for so long that I sometimes find myself trying to fall back into that or being worried about it or feeling like he's going to be upset with me if I don't feel like it, because that has been my past experience. Trauma is fucking real, and it informs so much of the ways that we carry ourselves, and so a lot of my work on myself is trying to not fall into the patterns that trauma has tried to create for me, and it doesn't happen often, but when it does, having to have those conversations with myself and reminding myself of the reality that I have now versus the one that I had where that attitude was born ... But what really helps is, when I have those moments, I talk to him about them. Yeah.
Erica: See? Again, vulnerability. Are there things that can keep you from being in the mood?
Kenrya: Just being sleepy.
Kenrya: That's really it, and sometimes because I've been dealing with all this-
Erica: Health stuff.
Kenrya: ... shit with my health. Yeah. If there's a day where I've had ... Literally, there was a day last week where I had four or five doctor's appointments. Part of that was fatigue, but part of that was also my brain was going on all of that, and so there was nothing in me that wanted to do that, but then there are times that ... That's not universal. We talked about comfort, right? Where-
Erica: You need that. Yeah.
Kenrya: Yeah. Come rub on my booty, please. That's what I need, which inevitably turns into us having sex, but yeah. Usually, it's fatigue. I'm just too tired. Yeah.
Erica: How often do you masturbate now?
Kenrya: Not very often. Maybe the last time I masturbated was last year.
Erica: Bitch. Last night for me. Jesus Christ.
Kenrya: I think it's because I'm having so much sex.
Erica: Yeah. So much good sex.
Kenrya: Yeah, and then that's ... I did it, and then he came over, and then we had sex.
Erica: It was like, "Now I'm primed up. Let's get going."
Kenrya: Yeah. I mean, sometimes it comes, like if I'm trying to anal train, then I'll masturbate as part of that, but the last time I even anal trained, I didn't. It was just a shower situation. So no. It's been a while.
Erica: What's your favorite technique when you do? Well, back in six months ago.
Kenrya: I know. I have a little wand with an egg on it, which we, I think, in the first season or something ... Yeah. I use that.
Kenrya: It gets the job done.
Erica: Do you ever have trouble turning off the day and just focusing on body pleasure?
Kenrya: I mean, only on those days where my medical stuff is swirling in my head. Other than that, no. No. Again, it's the fatigue that gets me, but that's what mornings are for.
Erica: Fresh as a daisy.
Erica: What would you change about your sex life if you could just snap your fingers and make it so?
Kenrya: Okay. I know. I wish that I could ... I'm sure that one day I will, but I am 40 years old, and I have never cum from head. Yeah, and not for lack of trying. Somebody's made it their mission, but I just don't ever get there.
Erica: We know who that somebody is.
Kenrya: I get in my head, and I'm like, "Oh, it's taking a long time," and "Oh, let's just move to the bed."
Erica: “He must be tired.”
Kenrya: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and less of that now, because I've gotten better at that.
Erica: So you're just closer to the goal.
Kenrya: Yeah. Yeah, but now a lot of times, it's just like, "Yo, nigga. I'm tired, and I'm going to cum. So let's do what we do," and so I stop him and [crosstalk 00:59:46].
Erica: “Come on. Assume the position. You know what's about to happen.”
Kenrya: Impatient ass. Yeah. It's mostly about my impatience more than anything else. So yeah. I would like to see it. People talk about that being a good ... It's just never happened for me. Yeah.
Erica: What's a sex best practice that you want to share with our listeners?
Kenrya: Get out of your head. You can't be fully in your head and in your body at the same time.
Erica: How do you get out of your head?
Kenrya: A lot of therapy. I remember that one of the things that my body is here for is to give me pleasure and that I spend however many fucking hours of the day working and making my brain the main organ that I'm using, and now it's time to see what that pussy do. So let that go.
Erica: That'll be the quote for this episode. Yeah.
Kenrya: Yeah. Just let that go, and just ... Oh, man. Close your eyes and-
Erica: Yeah. I'm not one of those meditation mindfulness people, because I'll be like, "Well, hm," but I have found that when you meditate, and they say, "Think about how your body feels on the bed and the brush of the blankets against your skin," ... So when I need to get out of my mind, I focus on what is happening.
Erica: His thumb is here in my handle, my gut handle, that thing right where you hit the button, that kind of thing. So that's what helps me. I just think it's important to share, because you always say, "Don't think about it."
Kenrya: It's easy to say, "Get out of your head." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm with you. Usually, I close my eyes, and I kind of try to ... So I feel this hand is on my thigh. I see the hand on my thigh in my mind's eye, and I focus on it, and then I'm like, "Where is my hand?" So I just-
Erica: Okay. You enjoying this too much. Okay.
Kenrya: Again, it's-
Erica: Yeah. You-
Kenrya: I breathe.
Erica: Eyes started rolling. Baby, not this time. Not right now. Do you have any must-use tools?
Kenrya: Oh, yeah. We put it on the show. It's that little thing that I use. You and I use it differently, but yeah. Listen.
Erica: Yeah. That thing is a ...
Erica: That's a beast.
Kenrya: Yeah. Every time. Listen.
Erica: It's a beast.
Kenrya: It never fucking misses. It just doesn't. It doesn't miss.
Kenrya: Yeah. Yeah. No. That. We'll put it in the show notes. That's-
Erica: Again, because baby, you need it.
Erica: Would you rather give up partnered sex or masturbation?
Erica: Why? You're like-
Kenrya: Because it's not the same.
Erica: ... "Bitch, it's obvious." You ain't masturbated since December.
Kenrya: I've been in relationships where I would have chosen the masturbation, but yeah. Like we were talking about at the top of the show, the orgasms ain't the same, and I want that "Oh, God," and also those multiples, which I'm a very big fan of. Yeah.
Erica: Girl, [inaudible 01:03:33]. Okay. What do you hope people learn from our trek through your sex life?
Kenrya: God. I hope that folks listening or watching this learn that trauma can have you really fucked up, but it doesn't have to be the end of your story. Not to be all on some “Polly” shit, but I never like to use the-
Erica: “Pollyanna,” or polyamorous?
Kenrya: Oh. Nigga, I'm a nigga. Not “Pollyanna.” “Polly” with Phylicia Rashad and motherfucking Keshia Knight Pulliam “Polly.”
Erica: Well, wasn't she “Pollyanna”? That was her full name, right?
Kenrya: Yeah. Well, the white version of the movie was called “Pollyanna”. The Black version was “Polly.”
Erica: Oh, okay. All right. Nevermind. Okay.
Kenrya: That's another deep cut.
Erica: Yeah. Okay. You get three points for seeing that one. Okay.
Kenrya: Yeah. I watched that movie constantly. That was my shit.
Erica: [crosstalk 01:04:52] watch it.
Kenrya: Oh, it's so good.
Erica: See if it stood up.
Kenrya: Yeah. Ooh, okay. I'm going to watch it while I work today. That shit can be real, real, real shitty. You can be in the hole. You could be smelling nothing but shit, and you could be seeing nothing but shit, but that doesn't-
Erica: Covered in shit.
Kenrya: Covered in it. Breathing it in. Fucking don't see a way out of it. But one, you can always leave. You can always leave. Now, not to simplify, because I also went through some shit trying to leave. I know that that shit's hard too, but you can invite people into and be vulnerable and get help, and they can help you leave, hopefully, God willing, and that even if you never dreamed that there would be a day when you didn't have to smell shit or look at shit or breath in shit or touch shit or taste shit, that that day is actually a possibility. Yeah. It's possible.
Erica: So what is turning you on today?
Kenrya: I don't know. This went better than I thought it was going to go. That's a turn on.
Erica: I think it was great.
Kenrya: I am wearing two of the lipsticks that y'all gave me for my birthday layered on top of each other, and I really like the color. So that makes me feel really good. That's turning me on, and God, it's almost the weekend. I'm tired.
Erica: What you doing on Saturday?
Kenrya: I don't know. What you doing on Saturday?
Erica: Oh, nevermind.
Kenrya: None of your business.
Erica: All right, y'all.
Kenrya: You're going to have to wait and see. Her birthday is coming up, y'all.
Erica: She's planning a little birthday something. Yeah. Okay. So this is Erica and Killa, your two hoe-hosts, making it clap. Oh. Thanks for joining us.
Kenrya: Yes. We love y'all, and we are always glad that y'all choose to spend some of your time with us. That's a big fucking deal, because-
Erica: You could be anywhere tonight, but you're here with me.
Kenrya: But you're here with us. Exactly.
Erica: (singing). That's the Jay-Z unplugged that I still listen to. Like that shit-
Kenrya: Do you really?
Erica: ... [crosstalk 01:07:46] yesterday. Oh, my God. I still listen to that.
Kenrya: The only one of his albums that I listen to now is the Linkin Park album, that mashup that you hate when I play it in the car. Whatever, bitch. That's my shit. I love that.
Erica: Girl, that, and I listen to the Black album. I still listen to Jay-Z.
Kenrya: See? This is the Black album, but it's mixed with Linkin Park, and it's so fucking good, and he also, to me, is the weak link. I mean, whatever.
Erica: Yeah. I was kind of like, "How'd he end up in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and not Biggie?"
Kenrya: You know I used to work-
Erica: But anyway.
Kenrya: ... at a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. I just-
Erica: What is that?
Kenrya: Yeah. I used to work at a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in college, because Cleveland. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't begrudge him the spot. You know, "When I come back like Jordan wearing the 4-5," he could have not. He could have not. He could have just retired, and that would have been fine. That's all I'm saying.
Erica: Off in the yonder. All right, y'all. That's enough. I need to find out who she's talking about. Have a good one.
Kenrya: Oh, yes. Bye.
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Hit subscribe right now on your favorite podcast app and at YouTube.com/ TheTurnOnPodcast so you'll never miss an episode.
Erica: Then follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast, and you can find links to books, transcripts, guest info, what's turning us on, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com.
Kenrya: Don't forget to email us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com with your book recommendations and your pressing sex and related questions.
Erica: You can support the show by leaving us a five-star review, buying some merch, or becoming a patron of the show. Just head to TheTurnOnPodcast.com to make that happen.
Kenrya: Thanks for listening, and we'll see you soon. Holla.
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In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya read B. Love's "Fans Only" and talk about Only Fans, mindreading, waiting for a potential partner's mask to drop and learning to trust your intuition.
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Kenrya: Come here, get off.
Erica: Hey you all. So welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On. This is our first episode of season four.
Kenrya: Welcome back folks.
Erica: And for a little bit of extra-ness, you can see us.
Kenrya: If you're watching us.
Erica: That's my Walter Machado.
Kenrya: And for those of you who are listening, you can head to YouTube and search “The Turn On podcast” to see us.
Erica: Of course Kenrya knows to do the important stuff. I'm just over here, acting the fool. So, this week, we're going to read “Fans Only,” which was written by B. Love, well, published by B. Love in 2020. So sit back, relax, get your wine, your weed, and whatever you need, and enjoy.
Kenrya: “Fans Only” by B. Love. Watching Aries struggle against the bondage had my dick throbbing. We decided tonight that we would try toys and I honestly didn't know how much more I could take. At first, I didn't think getting a fuck machine was a good idea but as I watched the dildo pump in and out of her as she moaned, I was starting to think she knew exactly what the fuck she was talking about.
Kenrya: Her wrists and ankles were cuffed together and she was on her hands and knees in the middle of my bed. The mechanical dildo was on a medium speed, her pussy lips were swollen, sucking the shit out of the dildo each time it pressed in and out of her. She was so fucking wet. The chocolate-colored, veiny, plastic dick had damn near turned white. The sounds of her moans permeated the room and it was taking everything in me to not cut it off and dive deep.
Kenrya: Crossing my legs, I looked at her lips as they trembled. She bit down on her bottom lip before moaning again. "That thing fuck you better than me?" I asked, standing and walking over to the bed. "No. Never." "What's the difference?" With a smile, she looked at me with fluttering eyes. "This provides a good curve but it doesn't offer the intimacy, sensuality, and connection you do. I can't kiss this, hold this, look into its eyes. There's no connection between me and this. It feels good, it's a fuck, but no one or nothing has ever fucked me better than you."
Kenrya: Having heard enough, I put the small box of toys on the edge of the bed before cutting the machine off. After unlocking the cuffs from her wrists and ankles, I placed Aries on her back. She drew in deep breaths, smiling, as I spread her legs. "Remember your safe word?" She nodded. "What is it?" "Blue." "All right." I pulled the nipple pinchers from the box and placed them around her nipples. As soon as they were applied, she was moaning quietly and squeezing her legs together. I cut the vibrator on and placed it on her clit, moaning deep within my throat the moment she began to squirm.
Kenrya: "How does that feel?" I checked, rifling through the box for something else to use on her. "So fucking good, Titan. Kiss me." Lowering myself to her, I kissed Aries, inhaling her moans. I moved the vibrator softly, pressing it into the top of her clit. She broke our kiss, mouth forming an O shape as her back arched. I never knew pleasing a woman could make me feel so damn good. The more I pleased Aries, the more satisfied I felt.
Kenrya: I pulled away, tugging at the nipple pinchers. Loud moans erupted from her mouth as she fisted the sheets underneath her body. "I'm about to cum, baby," she warned, trembling legs closing against my arm. I spread them again, looking back at the box. Using my free hand to grab the curved dildo that was inside, I looked down to her to gage how long it would take her to cum. Based on her trembling legs and bottom lips, I knew it wouldn't be long.
Kenrya: I set the dildo down and focused on pinching her nipples and massaging her clit with the vibrator until her pussy walls began to pulse. Lowering my lips to her, I kissed her for as long as I could before her moans made it impossible. Once Aries came down from her high, I began to fuck her with the dildo, still playing with her clit and nipples. I never thought I'd see so much fucking cum. A woman so aroused and I wasn't even going that damn deep and fast. I guess it was the combination of stimulation on so many sensitive parts of her body. Whatever the case, there was no doubt in my mind that this was going to be our most viewed video.
Kenrya: When I couldn't take it anymore, I grabbed the butt plug and flipped her onto her back. "You trust me, Bella?" "Yes," she moaned, running her fingers through her hair and pulling it out of her face. "I need you to relax. If it gets too intense, use your safe word." She nodded, looking back at me with a smile. "I can't wait to feel your dick inside me." With a low groan, I arched her back and lowered myself to her asshole, licking it hard and slow, I kept her cheeks spread as she pushed into me and moaned. My tongue slid across her opening and swiped her folds, licking up every drop of cum that has settled at the center of her.
Kenrya: As I lashed onto her clit, I wrapped my arm around her waist to keep her in place. I loved drawing her with my tongue, just to wet her all over again. When her moans turned into whimpers, I covered the anal plug with lubricant and got behind her on my knees. Slowly, I pressed it into her ass, leaning down on her back to whisper into her ear. Aries inhaled a deep breath, gripping the back of my thigh. I continued to ask her if she was okay as I entered her, not stopping until the full plug was safely inside. "How do you feel?" "Full." "Good." I leaned up, settling at her opening. After running the head of my dick up and down her slit, I slowly pressed my way inside.
Kenrya: She was tighter, hotter, and wetter than normal and I didn't know how much I could take. Still, I dove deep, pulling her hair with one hand and gripping her waist with the other. Whimpers and moans poured from her as curses and moans poured from me. She felt so good. The tightness of the plug intensified everything. Her body was shaking every time I dug deep. And the more she cried my name...
Kenrya: My hand wrapped around her neck, pressing her face into the bed. The clear juice turned into white cum as her walls began to pulse. I tried to focus on anything, think of everything other than how good she felt but it did me no good. The moment she fell into the bed as she came and those walls tightened against me, I was a goner. My seed shot deep into her core as I jerked and moaned her name, her real name. That would definitely need to be edited out.
Kenrya: "Oh, my God, Ricky," she slurred, gripping my thigh as I rested my back on her chest. "What are you doing to me?" "Making sure you lose your damn mind just at the thought of me." She chuckled, pulling in deep breaths. "You're doing more than that." And I was but I didn't want to admit it. I was grounding and planting myself in her soul, going beyond the soul-tie. I was rooting myself there. And I wanted to stay there because with Aries, that was the safest space with a woman that I had ever been in. I needed that safety, that security for as long as I could experience it.
Erica: Okay, y'all so we are back. Thank you, Kenrya, for that fabulous reading of what was a sexy motherfucking scene.
Kenrya: Yeah, spicy.
Erica: Yeah, it was real spicy. When I was reading this book, I was like, "Oh, oh, oh." It was like scene after scene after scene we got to pick, so.
Erica: Some books we just have one scene, this book had a good number of them and they were great.
Kenrya: I mean, there's penis touching right out the gate.
Erica: Five star. So, yeah, I loved it. So just a little bit of background on the story. It's about these two people, Aries and Merrick. They are part of a larger friend group, they kind of have this love-hate relationship. I mean, I don't want to go as far as saying enemies to lovers but a bit of that. And they both have dreams of success and all dreams need capital. And they were like, "You know what? Fuck it. Let's start an OnlyFans account." And they do, and hijinks ensue.
Kenrya: Dot, dot, dot.
Erica: Dot, dot, dot. Okay, so, first, let's talk about... Well, first, the sex scene was [inaudible 00:10:23]. Now y'all can see me acting the fool. The sex scene was dope as fuck. I think this is one of the first scenes that we've read where they've actually used toys on each other, like they did some bondage and-
Kenrya: Yeah, I think so. It's so funny because we talk about toys so often. But you're right, I think we actually haven't had a bunch of books where they were used in the course of the story.
Erica: Using accoutrements.
Erica: But, I think one of the things that we say... One of the reasons that we say we like toys, or at least the only reason I like toys, is because it adds a little variety, a little extra.
Kenrya: Yeah. And you're right so I can make sure that you always finish exactly the way that you want to finish.
Erica: Exactly. Okay, so let's just jump off into this OnlyFans thing, right?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: And we're going to have a guest on and she's going to kind of... we're going to talk more about actual sex workers and sex work. But I have heard a million times, and maybe it's just me, because I'm Erica and I am a sex person, so I get, I mean, random woman come up to me and be like, "My husband don't like me sucking dick." So I get it. But-
Erica: I have heard more times than a few people say, "I would totally start an OnlyFans. I would totally start an OnlyFans-”
Kenrya: What's the if?
Erica: “... if I can hide my face."
Erica: Yeah, yeah. And it's just like, okay, I mean, I get it, but to me it's kind of like it just adds to the stigma of sex work.
Kenrya: Sure, but I think... Remember when we started this show?
Erica: No, you’re so right. [crosstalk 00:12:19]. Because when we started this show, I was definitely on some, Erica will stay somewhat anonymous. [crosstalk 00:12:31]
Kenrya: We even had illustrated headshots.
Erica: Yeah. And if you know Kenrya... One trip on her Instagram account and you know who I am. And then cancer hit. I was just like, "Fuck it."
Kenrya: Fuck it, yeah.
Erica: But I feel like there... Not to be like "not all hos," because I'm not all hos, but I feel like that there was a difference between okay, I got to keep this shit quiet because I don't want to fuck up my job and I got to keep this shit quiet because I think that's what dirty people do.
Kenrya: Ah, so that's the vibe that you're getting is that they think that OnlyFans is dirty as opposed to I don't want my boss to know. Okay.
Erica: Yeah. Or I don't need my family to know, which again... We all fuck, right? [crosstalk 00:13:25]. To me-
Kenrya: My dad, he knows about this show but I told him don't listen. He said, "Okay."
Erica: Oh, my aunt has... I don't know if she's listened to any recently but she definitely [crosstalk 00:13:33].
Kenrya: I remember.
Erica: Yeah, she was so excited to find this show.
Kenrya: Didn't she have her white friend help her find it?
Erica: She had her white friend, shout-out to her white friend, that helped her find this show. She called me, she literally called me, "Get off! Come here! Get off! Come here!" And I was like-
Kenrya: No, no.
Erica: Not quite, but okay.
Kenrya: I'm fairly certain that my dad's wife listens. Because she's always liking posts, especially because she a Facebook person. And I'm like, "Okay, girl. Enjoy. Don't tell him nothing."
Kenrya: But it's not because I'm ashamed, it's just because I don't think he wants to know and I know he don't.
Erica: Yeah, yeah. So, it irks me when people are like, "I'll do OnlyFans, but I want to hide my face." And it's like, don’t nobody wanting to see your half limp fucking. Because as someone that records herself having sex, I will tell you it is never what you think it looks like. I mean, I like it. I like to record, but in my mind I was like [inaudible 00:14:41]. And then I run it back and it was like [inaudible 00:14:47].
Kenrya: Just like when we were dancing in the backyard the other day.
Erica: Oh, my God. So we had some girlfriends over, and we did a socially distanced backyard thing. And we were playing music-
Kenrya: And by girlfriends we mean it was like five of us.
Erica: Yeah. So it was like five of us in a circle around a fire pit. And we were playing music and in my mind I was like, [inaudible 00:15:16]. In my mind I was really fucking it up like, "Go DeMarcus, go DeMarcus, go DeMarcus, go DeMarcus." But then Kenrya sent me a video and I was literally like this, "Go Ethel, go Ethel, go Ethel."
Kenrya: Your feet didn't move. You weren't the only one.
Erica: Yeah. But it was even more fucked up, the next morning I woke up and my thighs were hurting like I had been doing something. You would've thought that I was a Luke dancer the way my body felt. And I was literally like just [inaudible 00:15:47]. It was horrible.
Kenrya: Yeah. Well, at least you got up. I sat in my chair until “Wipe Me Down.”
Erica: Was it “Wipe Me Down”?
Kenrya: Something [crosstalk 00:15:59].
Erica: But even then... Okay. “Back That Ass Up.” For a woman of a certain age it is your mating call, it is like the cuckoo, cuckoo and I'm so mad I get to see this.
Kenrya: Yo, did you see somebody... Did you see this? It was sweet but also made me feel really old. Somebody Tweeted at us last night, they were like, "Listening to older ladies talk about sex makes me talk about having good sex."
Erica: What the fuck?
Kenrya: I know. "Makes me afraid of what I got to go through to get there." And I was like... one part of me was like, "Oh, my God, thank you for listening and I hope that this is helpful!" And the other part was, "Older lady?" But we are going to be 40, so, I guess, technically, I mean [crosstalk 00:16:48].
Erica: What the fuck? What the fuck?
Kenrya: A shoutout to you for listening. This is not at all meant to... We're not upset with you or anything but it was definitely a moment.
Erica: Oh, no, I fucking appreciate it. But yeah, uh-huh.
Kenrya: I was sitting in the bed with my partner and I was like, "What am I supposed to say to this?" I closed it. I was like, I'll let Erica respond. Because that was kind of fucked up.
Erica: Okay, I'll help her, it's fine. But, yeah, damn, we are older. In my mind I am young, I am fucking it up. Look at this show.
Kenrya: Look at this shoulder.
Erica: Look at this shoulder. Is this the shoulder of an old bitch? No.
Erica: In my mind, I am fucking it up, like, "Go DeMarcus, go DeMarcus." Do you know what that is? It was some-
Erica: It's a Vine or maybe a TikTok, "Go DeMarcus, go DeMarcus, go DeMarcus." And yeah, I was like an old lady.
Kenrya: But we had fun.
Erica: Hitting a body roll. I'm sorry. Okay.
Kenrya: Yeah. You can't go wrong with a good body roll.
Erica: So, Lord. Okay-
Kenrya: Yeah, older ladies. It's been playing in my head since last night.
Erica: And now I ought to see it. Okay, so. I am thinking about... Oh, so the sex stigma, if I could I'd do OnlyFans, blah, blah, blah. Poses a question: Would you do OnlyFans if there wasn't a stigma around sex work?
Kenrya: No, because I don't think it necessarily... I don't think anybody wants to see that.
Erica: It's not your jam.
Kenrya: Yeah. I mean, listen, I enjoy myself, I got the things that I do, but also because I have the things that I do I know what I got to do to make me cum, and I know what I got to do to make my partner cum. And you only want to watch that a couple of times, honestly, because it's the same thing.
Erica: And, I mean, I am definitely a don't give a fuck, fuck y'all, I'm on my own shit type of bitch. But I do feel a little judgy about this. When I cum, I don't need you to see how my fucking legs lock like a goat and I fall off the dick, right?
Erica: I don't need that. I don't need that. I don't need that.
Erica: But, yeah.
Kenrya: And one of the best parts about my sex with my partner is the talking and the laughing and him making fun of me because of what I do when I cum, and that kind of stuff. And that's not going to be fun to anybody except for us, so.
Erica: And I don't need y'all talking about the way I cum. He can, but you can't.
Kenrya: Exactly. So yeah, I just don't think it'd be interesting. And then, also super honest moment, I'm very critical in some ways on some days about my body and I don't need everybody seeing nothing, so.
Erica: Yeah, I don't need you to-
Kenrya: I share my body with the folks that I want to.
Erica: Yeah. But those people that do, that can and do, I appreciate it because it's you are a very intricate part of my situation. But I don't think I'll personally do it.
Kenrya: Yeah. It's literally just because I don't think anybody really wants to see it and it's fine, I enjoy it.
Erica: Somebody does, but yes.
Kenrya: Probably, but-
Erica: Because there is a scratch for every itch, and your scratch maybe a whole niche in injuries... industries niche.
Kenrya: Yes, injuries. ’Cause I'm an older lady?
Erica: I'm literally going to screenshot this and put it... I mean, I'm not going to take her out but, yeah. Okay.
Kenrya: For real, for real though, shoutout to you for listening. I don't want it just to feel like we're upset; we're not.
Erica: Yeah. I'm trying to see how old is Black, queer, feminist ones. Yeah, you're already adorable.
Kenrya: Yes. Our baby. Yeah.
Erica: But, yeah, but all right we're some old bitches. We're some old bitches.
Kenrya: We've been through some things that got us here.
Erica: We've been through some things. Okay-
Kenrya: And honestly, so I know, tangent, last night my partner was like, he was like, "I saw somewhere and it asked if you could be 25 again forever, would you?" And I was like, "Fuck, no."
Erica: Fuck no! If I had this mind.
Kenrya: He was like, "Okay, what if it was if you had your 25 year old body?"
Kenrya: Right. I was like, "I'll take my 25 year old body," because I worked and I worked out, that was it. I had no money so I wasn't going out a lot of places to eat, I was living in New York and broke as hell, so I literally worked out more.
Erica: I was hungry today, so I'll order sushi.
Kenrya: Yeah. I worked out three days a week at work, five days a week at home. My body was my favorite at that point. Although, looking back I needed some sandwiches. Which is what I ate for lunch every day because a bitch was broke.
Erica: Ooh, I could go for a good tuna sandwich.
Kenrya: But I was a dummy.
Erica: Girl, as a box of rocks. God protects babies and fools and His ass was out protecting my foolish ass, so.
Kenrya: Yeah, yeah. And I'm enjoying my life so much more now. I have so much actual joy that I wouldn't trade that, so yeah.
Erica: Okay. All right. So there was one line in this book that, you didn't read it, but it stood out to me. And this is one of my central questions. Now as I date, particularly with the podcast that gives you an inside look at Erica's mind. So there was a line, it says, "Even if we were dating," this is Aries talking to Merrick, "Even if we were dating, I wouldn't feel comfortable telling you what I need because you could use it to trap me and then stop when I love you or when we're married." And that was woo. Because that's how I feel. How do you balance not expecting your partner to understand what's going on in your head? Not expecting your partner just to guess what you're thinking, with at the same time not giving this nigga a playbook to fucking carry me. You know?
Kenrya: Yeah. I don't balance that because... I'm not going to say, oh, because my man is great, although he is. No, I'm going to say because I've gotten to a point where I put time and energy into someone who I could trust in that way.
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kenrya: I have not always done a good job of balancing that before and ended up in relationships with people who had not earned my vulnerability in that way, and my trust in that way. And so I'll say all I have to say is it's hard as fuck.
Erica: I mean, because my question is well, how do you know if they've earned it? Or could they just be window dressing until they "gotcha bitch!"?
Kenrya: Okay, so going back to that whole process that I went through with our therapist, right? First I had to abstain from talking, texting, dating, everything. And then, once I started dating folks, there was a 90-day probation period in which I had to really not give up too much, not move too fast, really dig into who this person was and spending time with them because-
Erica: And that's not a 90-day sex rule, right?
Kenrya: Oh, no, I was fucking.
Erica: All right, all right.
Kenrya: It takes about 90 days for a mask to drop, to slip. So look to see if something falls. And it was also going back to that whole list, those two lists that we talked about last season, right? The list of does this person meet these not superficial criteria that I've put in place but more importantly, how do I feel when I'm with this person? And really getting to learn how to trust myself again. And I think that was really the key for me because before I could learn to trust a partner, I had to learn how to trust my intuition. Because so often, alarm bells would be going off right from the beginning with people. I mean, I remember I went on that one date and had a panic attack as soon as I got home. And still went on another date. The fuck?
Kenrya: So doing the work and therapy, honestly, to get to the point where I could trust myself and so then if I had any inkling... I think people, and I know I've done this, look for a reason. You have to have a reason to not want to be with someone instead of realizing that any reason that you have is a reason. And I used to need them to do something for there to be some reason for me to leave as opposed to just saying, "This doesn't feel right. My stomach hurts when he calls. Something, I can't put my finger on it, but something just doesn't feel like it's right for me.” And once I started actually trusting my gut... that's why we joke about me being the queen of blocking niggas, but that's really what it comes down to is that I started listening to my gut the first time it said something. Whether that was while we were still on an app, the first time he texts me, the first time we're on the phone, if anything doesn't feel right, I send my, "It was really great getting to know you but I don't think we're a good fit. I wish you well." And I send it, and I hit block and I keep it fucking moving.
Kenrya: And so that was about trusting myself. And once I learned how to trust myself, I was able to give people that time to then get to decide if I could trust them. And once I got there, which has only been with this one person in all this fucking time that I was trying to date, then it allowed me to be able to let my guard down and be vulnerable. But it really started with me.
Erica: Yeah. So remember last season, weeks ago, we worked-
Kenrya: It's so long ago.
Erica: Do you remember last season there was a pleasant guy?
Kenrya: Uh-huh (affirmative).
Erica: Or he was nice, but it was just pleasant and I was looking for passion?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: So I finally cut things off with him.
Kenrya: I figured because you hadn't mentioned him.
Erica: But the thing is, I was a bitch about it. I could've been more upfront. I just kind of slowly creeped to the back, and he was like, "Hey, you're pulling back." And I was like, "This is why." But part of what made this-
Kenrya: Good for you for saying something.
Erica: Oh, and that's the thing, everything was right about him, it just didn't feel right. And that's what I had to tell him. I hate to be on some it's not you, it's me type shit because most of the time it's you, nigga. But he checked all the boxes. He was nice, he checked literally all the boxes. He would be great for someone, it's just-
Kenrya: Just not you.
Erica: It wasn't there. And I think because I went through kissing so many frogs that when I did meet... I mean, I say kissing frogs. Some of these niggas was just not for me. Somebody will love that fuck shit, just not me. You know?
Kenrya: Yeah, yeah.
Erica: Needs to really hit all... fire on all four cylinders, six cylinders, eight. How many cylinders? Fire on all cylinders.
Kenrya: I don't know. You're asking me?
Erica: Firing on all cylinders. He had everything but it just wasn't there. And it wasn't even a bad feeling, it was just like a-
Kenrya: It's not it.
Erica: Yeah. So it was difficult because people-pleaser Erica, codependent Erica, was still... I mean, the bitch ain't always there but she was in the back and I was like, ugh, so. But, I got through it and I'm very proud myself.
Kenrya: Yeah. And I think doing that sets us up to be able to let our guard down and trust the right person, let the right one in. That's a title of a horror movie.
Erica: That's what she said. Let the right one in? No?
Kenrya: Oh, oh, yes. That works.
Erica: Jeez, Louise. [crosstalk 00:29:47]
Kenrya: Where is my shirt? Do you still have yours?
Erica: No, because it was... I think it got a hole in it. But also, you bought it when I was a much smaller person, so I look very... like a sausage. Very sausage-y in it.
Kenrya: I don't know where mine is. I think I might have had to let it go because I know the lettering had started to crack. We have that's what she said shirts. I wore them when I was pregnant.
Erica: It said, "That's what," and then it's like, "She."
Kenrya: She said.
Erica: No, it was just, "That's what," and then, "She."
Kenrya: That's what she. Yeah, yeah.
Erica: Yeah, so it was cute. All right.
Kenrya: Yeah, we were cute. Like almost 10 years ago.
Erica: On a tangent, “The Office” had the best series finale out of any series that I've watched thus far. Not saying it was the best... I mean, I love “The Office” but-
Kenrya: I'm trying to remember the finale.
Erica: Huh? You don't remember series finale?
Kenrya: I'm trying to remember. Was it a wedding?
Erica: It was Dwight's wedding. They finished the tour, I mean, the show and then they did a reunion and everybody came back. And so it had enough of the reunion-y aspect with also the we're wrapping it up and putting a bow on it. It was definitely not that bullshit “Game of Thrones,” but it was great.
Kenrya: I'm still angry about that, honestly.
Erica: And that is why “The Office” is always on my TV. “The Office”-
Kenrya: Yeah, we watch it a lot on the weekends.
Erica: “The Office” is like my “Matlock.” You know how you'd always go to Granny’s house and “Matlock,” or “Perry Mason.” That is me. I wake up and I turn on “The Office.” When I finish up working today, I'mma go and turn on “The Office.”
Kenrya: So we do that with “Golden Girls” on the weekends. We wake up, and we put on “Golden Girls.”
Erica: “Golden Girls” is definitely an ultimate, but “The Office,” nonstop. My child will be old and gray and be like, "My momma used to watch ‘The Office.’” So. That won't happen.
Kenrya: Why not?
Erica: Okay. Do you think that there is a level of... So one of the things that I do when I'm dating, somebody drove down the street, bumping Keith Sweat,
Kenrya: Is that what they were playing?
Erica: (singing). All right-
Kenrya: It's a good, sunny day for it.
Erica: It's cold as fuck, though.
Kenrya: It is. I went out to the porch for a second to get the mail and I was deceived. I needed my fucking coat.
Erica: So when I'm dating, I try not to overthink it, I just do what feels natural to me. And I'm like, "If this isn't enough, or if this is too much, then obviously I'm not the person for you." And that's how I feel with guys doing stuff or people doing stuff.
Kenrya: What do you mean?
Kenrya: I'm asking for clarification.
Erica: Yeah, so I shouldn't have to ask you... And this is the whole balance thing. I shouldn't have to ask you, "Hey..." I can't think. You know, but like, "Hey, do this." If it's not in your nature to do this for me, then... And so that's what the balance thing because it's like, yeah, you're not going to know everything but at the same time you need to have it in you a little bit.
Kenrya: Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to disagree with you. And I'm going to disagree because-
Erica: I mean, I need feedback. That's why I'm asking.
Kenrya: Because they ain't mind readers any more than you are. Yes, basic courtesy like don't let the door hit me when we walking out or basic stuff, but how is somebody supposed to know that one of the things that you want your partner to do is to drive on every date or that you... I don't know. You know what I mean? People-
Erica: Yeah, see that would be some shit that I would be like, "He made me."
Kenrya: Yes. “He made me meet him.” Well, nigga, you didn't tell him that that's not what you want.
Erica: Could you mind your business, bitch?
Kenrya: So I'm just saying-
Erica: Yeah, that's the thing.
Kenrya: Yeah, and so that's what... I think that so often when people are in the getting to know you stage of dating, they shy away from the compatibility conversations. So you might talk about what happened at work that day or, I don't know, what your mamma told you today. But are people having, and some of this is deeper, right? But the “do you want kids, do you have kids, how many kids do you want” conversations. They're avoiding the “I'm really unhappy in my job and I want to make this transition to this thing, the I think I only really want to be in this area for another year or so and I probably want to move to California” conversations. The “it's really important to me that my partner be interested in moving in together within the next year.” Those conversations that will fundamentally let you know whether or not somebody is for you, I think we don't use those three months, those 90 days in an intentional way to actually try to figure out-
Erica: You're just existing.
Kenrya: Yeah. You should be using that time to figure out if someone is a match for you, not just if y'all have fun in the bedroom or on the couch or in the car. That's an important part of that but if y'all like the same restaurant that's cool but it's not the only thing, right? How often are you at home? My partner likes to be out and I like to be in the motherfucking house. So we had to figure out what our balance is and how do we make that happen. So before pandemic we would always go out-
Erica: I was about to say, after pandemic you'll have to give him a little bit more, just for a good, smooth 90-days. 90 days to six months. He needs to make it up, bitch.
Kenrya: Yes. But we used to go out every Friday and Saturday because that is what he loved and the rest of the days we was in the motherfucking house unless there was a specific event on a week day because I don't like it. And so that was how we figured out our balance. And so you can't figure out your balance if you're not talking about it.
Erica: Yeah, yeah.
Kenrya: So asking the questions that feel difficult or asking the questions that are important to you. They don't have to be difficult, but if being able to go out to eat is important to you, you got to say something. Maybe he don't even like to cook every night. Or maybe he expects you to cook every night. Right. Conversations.
Erica: Okay, okay, okay. Well, I like it. Side note: they had a shout-out to Olive Garden in this book. They were like, "We're going to roll over to Olive Garden." I literally highlighted it, underlined it, and wrote in all caps, classy.
Erica: I love Olive Garden.
Kenrya: They're so good. It's so good. We've gotten it like, I think, twice during the pandemic. Yeah.
Erica: Yeah, I love Olive Garden and I know how to prepare it. That's how you know I'm like [smacks lips]. Because I know exactly how I want it done. I get lasagna, and then I get the meat sauce on it, but then I also get a side of the Alfredo and pour it on top too so it's like a cream sauce-
Kenrya: Yeah. I've had to place that order for you. Remember we did Olive Garden on New Year's day one year we had the kids? Yeah.
Erica: Yeah. So I was like, "Make sure we get..." Yeah. It's pretty-
Kenrya: I mean, you know what you like.
Erica: And you know, that's why I'm old, when I have my mouth set... when my mouth is fixed for something, it needs to deliver or we're going to have a problem.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative). So you're just going to be really disappointed. Either way, it sucks.
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Okay. So on this kind of friends to lovers, not quite. Not friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, but not quite. Merrick and Aries, they're part of this bigger friend group. And it's more like a, "Why you always fucking with me?" That kind of conversation.
Kenrya: Yeah. He pokes at her all the time.
Erica: Yes. Now there's another story that I'm reading for this show and that shit I'm like, I would've donkey kicked that motherfucker square in the forehead, right here. But, anyway. But at one point, she was like... when they started fucking and doing their OnlyFans together. At one point she was like, "Why are you being so nice? Why have you changed stuff up?" And this nigga said, "As long as you are letting me into your sacred space, I am going to worship you." That was so beautiful and hotep-y in not a hotep way.
Kenrya: It makes me internally roll my eyes, but also I like the turn of phrase. As a writer, I like it. But as somebody who has been with hoteps, I'm like [inaudible 00:39:21].
Erica: And I think that that's important because, again, we go on this whole boys are assholes because they like the attention. And it's like, no, if this motherfucker, if you're letting him be a part of your space, part of your body, just even that-
Kenrya: All in your body in various places.
Erica: In your orbit. If I'm letting you in, if I'm going to fucking pull down a drawbridge and let your ass in, nigga act like you got some fucking sense.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah. So he got some act right.
Erica: He got some act right in the way of pussy. Pussy. And he knew what to do. I thought that was really sweet.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: Okay. Final piece. This is a spoiler, okay? This is a spoiler. If you haven't read, and you want to read stop listening now because this is a spoiler. But it's something that I need to address because it kind of bothered me about the book. This is a spoiler.
Erica: Okay. I love this book. B. Love is an amazing writer because with me, it take me a minute, like egh. I was hooked from the moment that I started the book. Love the book, love the book, love the book. But at the end of the book... So Aries and Merrick, Merrick wants to be a music producer so he's scraping up his OnlyFans money, and he's saving his OnlyFans money so he can build a studio. Aries wants to be a fashion designer. And she's saving her money because she lives in... Oh, also, I love affluent Black folk. Or just Black folk that take care of the kids, and not in a... Wow, that came out really fucking wrong. But Aries is in her mid-20s, still living at home. Why? Because her parents was like, "Why are you worrying about being out in the world?"
Kenrya: Which, honestly, is something we need to normalize.
Kenrya: I mean, my partner's, his family's immigrants and he's like... I mean, he did move out at 18 but his sister still lives at home. And he was like, "It lets you get your shit together before you go out into the world." Why wouldn't you give your kids that gift if you could?
Erica: Yes. And so I love that part about it. But one of the things that she was doing was she was at home, saving her money so that she can move to California and be an intern under this fashion designer, whatever. And so dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Happily ever after. They're together and she gets the internship and it's at some fashion show they announce it and she gets her internship. And it's like [inaudible 00:42:10]. And then cue the music. But then, this nigga, Merrick, gets down on one knee and proposes to her.
Erica: And I get it. I understand how I love you so much and I want you to... I want this to be the cherry on the top, right?
Erica: But on the other hand, I'm like, yo, just give her two really special days, right?
Kenrya: Yeah. Don't combine them, but also don't make this about you.
Erica: Yeah. But I don't think-
Kenrya: That that was his motivation but oh, yeah.
Erica: Yeah. That it makes it about him. They look at it... They probably look at it like, I'm making it about her because she gets a really nice ring and dah, dah, dah, dah dah. But, yeah. I was just like, aw man.
Kenrya: And there's also this, always this little piece of me that's like, so now I'm worthy because I just accomplished this thing? You know what I mean? Would you want to [inaudible 00:43:16]? Would you just carry it around until I tiptoed over the you earned it barrier? You know what I'm saying?
Kenrya: Do it another day. That's also how I feel about people who propose at other people's weddings.
Erica: Yeah, yeah, yeah, girl.
Kenrya: It's like a huge movie trope and I hate it. Happens in books, actually, a lot of these books too. I hate it.
Erica: Because, I think also we have all been in a relationship where... I mean, we've all been at the point where you're at a wedding and you're just kind of swept up in the love. And you're like, oh, this is nice. Nigga, I don't want you to feel [crosstalk 00:43:52].
Kenrya: Does somebody pay for it?
Erica: Yeah. I don't want you to feel like you swept up [inaudible 00:43:56]. No, nigga. Sleep on that shit.
Kenrya: Right. [crosstalk 00:44:03]. Especially if you don't have a ring.
Kenrya: Don't put no fucking Froot Loop on my finger.
Erica: I love Froot Loops.
Kenrya: A gummy worm.
Erica: Let's not speak ill of Froot Loops.
Kenrya: Yeah, I don't think I've had Froot Loops. We used to get the little boxes, the little tiny-
Erica: Yeah, your daughter's had Froot Loops in the past year, I can promise you.
Kenrya: Oh, I know, at your house.
Kenrya: I don't think... And she had some at my sister's house once too.
Erica: And then she'd be like, "Can I get a little bag to take home?"
Kenrya: I bought her some organic Froot Loops, and she won't eat them.
Erica: I'm sorry.
Kenrya: She didn't even taste them, though. I'm certain they sound good.
Erica: Beet with dye. Red dye made from beets and ain't the same as fucking-
Kenrya: Yes. Red dye is dangerous. Red dye number five is dangerous.
Erica: In large quantities.
Kenrya: Yes. I was trying to let her have the best of both worlds, let her have-
Erica: There is no best of both worlds with Froot Loops, it's either a fucking Froot Loop or you're eating ashy loops.
Kenrya: Then I guess she ain't going to have it, I tried.
Erica: Fructatios Loops. She'll get Froot Loops when she come down here. Okay. So, yeah. That just kind of made me, ugh.
Kenrya: Yeah. Yeah.
Erica: But, I mean, it was a great story. I loved it. I thought it was great. I do like the idea of the OnlyFans being kind of the jumping off point for it because everybody know OnlyFans. Well, I don't know. I feel like everyone's on OnlyFans, right? But because I am in a world of very sex-positive people, maybe they're not and it's just in my world everybody's on OnlyFans. It's kind of like when you're in DC and you're like, "Oh, there's Black people." And you go out and you're like, "Oh, wait, that ain't it."
Kenrya: There's a lot of white people. Yeah. I don't know. Because I'm also in this situation, yeah.
Erica: Yeah. But I feel like there's been-
Kenrya: I don't know. My guess is that everybody had to know somebody who knows somebody, whether they know it or not, who has an OnlyFans, right?
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah.
Kenrya: So it's just a matter of how open people are about what they're doing.
Erica: Yes. Well, if you have an OnlyFans and want to tell us about your experiences, particularly why you chose to do it, let some players know.
Kenrya: Yeah. Email us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com.
Kenrya: Then maybe we'll have you on.
Erica: Yes. So with that, we'll take a quick break and then we will go to our next segment: What's turning us on?
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Erica: Okay, so what's turning us on? What's turning me on right now? Sometimes they're called jiggle balls, sometimes they're called Ben Wa balls, I don't know. But here are mine. These are mine.
Kenrya: Oh, I should've got mine. Mine are silver and-
Erica: You see the clickle clackle?
Erica: So these little balls, you put them up your vagina. You know how they say when you do kegels it kind of helps you? This is the same concept. You put it up there, just a little way and you kind of...
Kenrya: You start walking around with them. You know those ankle weights which I had on for when I walk?
Erica: Yes, exactly.
Kenrya: It's like having ankle weight, but for your pussy.
Erica: Up your pussy.
Kenrya: Yeah, it helps to strengthen your pelvic floor.
Erica: Yes. So some of them, like this. Can you hear that? The rattling?
Kenrya: Little bit, yeah.
Erica: Some of them have a little tiny ball, like a hard ball, more compact ball inside if the bigger ball, which is what mine do. So if you're on a boat and then it's like...
Kenrya: And mine has a jingle bell in it. I wish I had it. It's like tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle.
Erica: So I like it because, yes, it also helps keep that grip, that ultra monkey grip tight, but I like it because I mean, it's not necessarily a sex toy but it can be because I like mind control, Deebo mind control. I will text a picture of this to a boo in the morning, and by the time they see me, they'll be like *kiss*. And this is just all excited knowing that. I mean, I usually don't wear it all day. I don't think you're supposed to wear it all day. But-
Kenrya: It's not necessary.
Erica: These niggas don't know. They don't know. So anyway, I like it because not only does it help keep the coochie grip on Gorilla Glue status, but it also serves as kind of a cute little reminder to your bae or boo that I got some things going on. You're thinking about some things, so. There you go. Jiggle balls, Ben Wa balls.
Kenrya: Yes. I watched a movie... Ah, shit. I told you my partner and I have been watching Korean movies. God. Oh, it was “The Handmaiden.” So those figured quite prominently. Mm-hmm (affirmative), it's a very good movie and I don't want to say shit because I don't want to give it away because it's one of these where you don't know what's happening. But a set of those figures quite prominently as an actual sex toy in that movie.
Erica: All right.
Kenrya: Highly recommend “The Handmaiden.” Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: All righty. All righty.
Erica: Okay. Well, we will include a link for these in our show notes so you can go there, click, and shop to your heart's content.
Erica: And also support The Turn On. So with that said, I think that's it, right?
Kenrya: That's it.
Erica: Of our first episode of season four. This is Erica and Kenrya. Two hos... Come on Kenrya.
Kenrya: Really? Okay.
Erica: Erica and Kenrya. Two hos making a clap.
Kenrya: Making it clap.
Erica: See, this is why. Dear listener, this is why this happens this way. Bye, y'all.
Erica: This episode was produced by us, Erica and Kenrya, and edited by B’lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Now you can support The Turn On and get off. Subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app, then drop us a five-star review and you'll be entered to win something that's turning us on. Post your review and email a screenshot to us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com to enter. Our Patreon page is also live. Become a supporter today, and access lots of goodies, including two-for-one raffle entries. Don't forget to send us your book recommendations and sex and related questions. And follow us on Twitter at @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram at @TheTurnOnPodcast. You can find links to books, merch, transcripts, guest info, and other fun stuff at heTurnOnPodcast.com. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you soon. Holla.
The Turn On
The Turn On is a podcast for Black people who want to get off. To open their minds. To learn. To be part of a community. To show that we love and fuck too, and it doesn't have to be political or scandalous or dirty. Unless we want it to be.