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SHOW NOTES
​This week, Erica and Kenrya talk to Mommy Hour podcast host Corene Lavhan about ​sex after childbirth, raiding the kids' snacks post-sex and chasing your happy.
​
​RESOURCES
Guest, Corene Lavhan | Instagram  
​
TRANSCRIPT
Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
 
[theme music]

Kenrya: Hey, y'all. Today we're talking to the Corene Lavhan, pronouns she and her. Corene's a mommy advocate and host of the Mommy Hour podcast. She encourages Black mothers to mother on their own terms by transparently talking about the ups and the downs of the motherhood journey.

Kenrya: Hey, thanks for coming on.

Corene Lavhan: Hi.

Kenrya: Yeah, we're happy to see you.

Corene Lavhan: Thanks for having me.

Erica: So Corene, we told you we going to jump right on in your parts.

Corene Lavhan: Let's go.

Erica: When do you first remember masturbating, and what was your preferred technique?

Corene Lavhan: Oh, my earliest memory. I feel like I've always been just a sexual being. I feel like just Black women are just sexual beings. We're just sexual. And so I've always touched myself. Since I was younger, I remember like 8, 9, 10, just touching myself, just like, what is that? What is happening down there? Oh, that feels good. And then I remember probably masturbating, I don't remember the exact age, but I would say around middle school is when I was just like, okay, this is getting heightened. This is getting heightened. And full-on masturbation was probably like 16.

Erica: Okay. So were you a humper, were you using your hands?

Corene Lavhan: Hands was a go-to. I remember humping a little bit, but I just remember more of hands than humping.

Erica: Okay.

Corene Lavhan: Or fingers.

Kenrya: So how old were you when you had your first kiss?

Corene Lavhan: My first kiss, I was in seventh grade. Maurice. I don't remember his last name. But yes, I was in the seventh grade, and I was kissing in the library, and I looked up and the library and was watching everything. I was in the seventh grade, so I was 12.

Kenrya: Yeah. I always be trying to like... I always have to do that calculation. I'm not one of those people who can remember how old you are in any given grade. Be having to think hard.

Corene Lavhan: Yeah.

Erica: So how old were you when you had a sense of your gender identity? Did you always know you were she, her?

Corene Lavhan: Yeah, I've always, like I said, I feel like I've always been connected to my femininity. It's always been present. I remember wanting to have boobs. I remember just thinking that women were just beautiful, and then just Black women are just beautiful. So yeah, I've always been connected to my femininity, and just aware of who I am as a woman. Not necessarily always having the confidence, but just always knowing that like, oh yeah, I'm going to probably have babies eventually.

Erica: So what about your sexual identity? When did you first get a sense of that?

Corene Lavhan: You said sexual?

Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Corene Lavhan: Okay. Like I said, I feel like I've always been aware of things. I remember me and my sister finding pornos in my parents' room when we were in elementary school.

Erica: Don't you think like, “Damn, I have to be better at this shit than my parents were?”

Corene Lavhan: You would think. So I feel like sex has just always been a thing. And I remember being in the seventh grade, or maybe eighth grade is when it all started. Because I was in the summer program and we were out of town and we traveled every summer together. And it was a group of the leaders and the young adults. And when I say young adults, I mean like freshman in college, like the younger, younger adults. And we just had this long sex talk. And I mean, it was deep. I mean, we covered everything. We covered masturbation, we covered oral sex, we covered sex. We covered orgies. I mean, we covered everything. And for one of the few people who was not yet sexually active, I was like... I mean, my jaw was on the floor.

Corene Lavhan: So I feel like after that, I was like, oh, this is a world that I thought I knew what was happening, but once you hear people around you who look like you normalize the things that you didn't grow up talking about, it just introduces it in a different way. So I feel like around 13 is when I was just like, oh, okay. Okay, we can do a lot of things with this. We can go a lot of places with this. So yeah, I'd say around like 13.

Kenrya: Is that-

Erica: So...

Kenrya: Go ahead.

Erica: I was going to ask, as parents, some people freak out about like, I don't want my kid being exposed to anything too soon. Looking back on that, do you think that that was the right time? Looking back on that as a kid, and now also as a parent, how do you feel about how those conversations, and where you were, and were you ready to receive it?

Corene Lavhan: As a parent, I feel like we shield too much. I grew up in a Pentecostal family. And it was... I never remember my grandmother wearing a skirt. I mean, wearing anything but a skirt, only wearing pants. So it was a very, very strict environment when it came to certain topics. And of course sex was one of them. So I feel like I could have been introduced to things way earlier, because I mean to this day, I still have never had a sex talk with my parents. We never had like a formal-

Erica: Two kids in.

Corene Lavhan: Two kids in. We never had a sex talk with me and my sister. And then when my brothers came along, I don't know what they did with them, but me and my sister never had a sex talk with my parents. And so I feel like that can be problematic, because that leaves you room to figure it out on your own. So for me, with two kids, I'm just there's no way that I can allow my children to become adults without addressing any of it. And I don't want that like, if you need anything, you know you can talk to me. No. Because I'm not going to talk to you. And I didn't talk to them.

Corene Lavhan: So I definitely feel like things could have been introduced a lot earlier, and I'm very mindful of that. I mean, you were on my podcast talking about what we need to say to our kids, because I think that it's really, really important to equip our kids with the knowledge so that they know what they're getting into. Because if you just leave them out to just figure it out, they're going to figure it out through their friends, they're going to figure it out through social media, they're going to figure it out through the internet. And I'm just not interested in those entities being my teachers. So I'm interested in... I like and I appreciate tough conversations.

Kenrya: I want to go back a little bit to the question that Erica asked about how old you were when you got a sense of your sexual identity. Was it at that age at 13 when you realized what types of people you were attracted to, or had you discovered that long before then?

Corene Lavhan: So I discovered that long before then. I feel like I remember being attracted to boys in like first grade. First grade I just remember Brandon, I don't remember his last name. He was so cute. I remember since going in to school, being attracted to the cutest boy in the classroom, the cutest boy on the street, playing hide and go seek before the street lights come on. Yeah, I've always been aware of penis.

Erica: The peen. The peen.

Kenrya: So how old were you when you first started experimenting with other folks?

Corene Lavhan: 15. Yeah, 15 is when I... I feel like I'm such a late bloomer, because I just remember in middle school, just the stories that were being shared. And I was just like, I'm just not there yet. But definitely once I got into high school, started having like serious boyfriends, by 15 me and my boyfriend were experimenting.

Erica: I also feel like some of this has to do with... because I feel like kids these days are probably waiting a lot. Although we live in a... we'll say we lived in a more sexual society, yada, yada, yada. I actually feel like I look at the young people in my life, that are like 15, 16, and I don't think they was doing what I was doing at 15, 16. Maybe I am just...

Kenrya: That sounds like wishful thinking.

Erica: No, I ain't going to call out names, but there are young people in my life that I think I'm very open with, are very open with me, and they're not my kids, they're just-

Kenrya: I would just suggest that they are not a representative sample.

Erica: Okay. Because I was going to say, the argument was going to be, it was that whole latchkey kid situation.

Kenrya: [crosstalk 00:12:01]

Erica: Mama's going to be home till five. Between three and five is a long ass time to do some crazy shit. But okay, my bad, my bad. Okay, so tell us about your first time having partnered sex. How old were you? What was it like?

Corene Lavhan: My first time? My gosh...

Erica: We won't share this with your momma.

Corene Lavhan: My first time. Huh?

Erica: We won't share this interview with your mom.

Corene Lavhan: Yes. My first time was... it was a couple of days before my 16th birthday, and I remember it was a fight. I don't remember what fight it was. I forget what fight it was. But it was a fight night, and I was with my boyfriend at the time, and we had been fooling around like months before, a couple months before, or whatever. And I knew that it was going to happen, but I just, I don't know. It wasn't as enjoyable as I thought that it was going to be. I feel like it's so much anticipation for that moment. It's so much anticipation. Like it's just so many talks that you have. It's so many stories that you hear it's. It's so many things, video, pornos that you've seen. It's just so many things that have clouded your head with what this experience may be like. And then when I had my first experience, I was just like, so that's it? So that's it.

Erica: So this is what y'all been talking about?

Corene Lavhan: This is what y'all been talking about? And I remember immediately thinking like, so now that I've done it, it's almost like there was no excitement to continue. Because I mean, he was a virgin as well. I think it was great for me to say that I did it, but it wasn't exciting or anything. I think it was just two 15-year-olds trying to figure out, like explore at the same time. I wasn't as confident as I am now as a woman. Now I'm just like, my friends come to me for all of the sex toys, all of the things. But then I just didn't have that confidence. Again, we grew up in a Pentecostal family. So yeah, it just wasn't as exciting as I thought that it would be. Didn't last long. It just wasn't as what I thought it was going to be.

Erica: Wasn't giving what was supposed to be gave.

Corene Lavhan: I mean, my expectation was high. Yes, the math wasn't mathing. So my expectation was just high. It was just really, really high. Yeah, my expectation was just way higher. I just remember thinking like, we just could have kept doing oral sex here. We didn't have to go all the way. We just could have kept doing oral.

Kenrya: Which is sex on its own.

Corene Lavhan: It is sex on its own. It is sex on its own.

Erica: And good beginner sex.

Corene Lavhan: [crosstalk 00:15:37]

Kenrya: And great queer sex. There's a lot of folks who never have penetrative sex. Still sex.

Corene Lavhan: Yeah. I'm a huge fan of oral. I also don't climax with penetration, so I think that's why I just love-

Kenrya: You're like, we could just do this. Yeah.

Corene Lavhan: I just love oral sex. Yes. I wasted... we could have just, yeah.

Kenrya: Yeah. So that actually leads to our next question. When did you first have an orgasm with a partner?

Corene Lavhan: Okay. So same partner. This was like years later, because I was dating him through high school and then college. So like I said, I went to Howard older. So my first freshman year was my first time having an orgasm. I just remember thinking like, wait this whole time, I thought that we were doing something. I thought you were really, really doing something. And then I had that one orgasm and I was like, there's no way that we can ever do anything without that happening. And I really feel like that was the introduction. The beginning of me just really, really owning my sexuality, and owning just sex, period. Owning me just being a sexual being, and not being ashamed of that, and not being ashamed to talk about it and like it. Yes. Yes, yes.

Erica: Okay, so what three words would you use to describe sex in your teens?

Corene Lavhan: Oh my goodness. Awkward. Stiff. And sometimes it was fun, sometimes.

Erica: Okay.

Corene Lavhan: Sex as a teen happened in a lot of different places. So it was fun. Young, free.

Kenrya: Yeah.

Corene Lavhan: Yeah.

Erica: Okay.

Corene Lavhan: Awkward. Fun. Sometimes stiff, trying to figure it out.

Kenrya: What about in your twenties? What three words would you use there?

Corene Lavhan: For my twenties, I would say rooted.

Kenrya: That could go a couple of different ways. Yeah.

Corene Lavhan: Rooted in a good way. Rooted in a good way. Rooted, because I just feel like right after having my first orgasm, I... we'll get into that later. But yes, twenties, I would say rooted, enjoyable and experimental. Yeah. Erica, your face.

Kenrya: She wants to know about that experimental.

Corene Lavhan: Well, twenties is when I started like really playing with toys. Twenties is when I was just like lubricants, toys, vibrators. That's when me and my husband moved to LA, we were in Hustler, the store Hustler. That's when I just started like...

Kenrya: You're on mute.

Corene Lavhan: Huh?

Erica: Sorry. I was about to say the magazine?

Corene Lavhan: Yeah, they have a store here.

Erica: Yeah, when you said that, I was like, wait, what? Okay. What about your thirties? Give us three words.

Corene Lavhan: Constant, or consistent. Satisfying. And I'm just confident. I'm just confident. Sex is just really important to me, so I'm just all about like doing whatever needs to be done so that we can just enjoy this. Especially after having two kids and you going through a... I went through a huge dry spell after both children, where I wasn't able to have sex for a while, like months. And I had never experienced that before, and so once we got over that hump with the second child, I was like, yeah, we don't ever want to do that again. And so I think it kind of got even more intense and more enjoyable, because we experienced what it was like to not do it on a consistent basis. And it wasn't fun.

Kenrya: Yeah. Were those dry spells physical? Were you just not interested? Hormonal? All those things together?

Corene Lavhan: So after having C-sections, the body was just... it was just completely out of whack. I underestimated everything that my body would go through after having-

Erica: It's a major surgery.

Corene Lavhan: ... after having two damn C-sections. I completely... it was insane. You literally can feel your organs moving back and shit. You can feel everything shifting back, and it takes months to shift back. And then I also had preeclampsia with my second one. So it was just body issues. It was body issues. It was never like... fortunately, I've never been that person that's just like, I hate my body. I've never had those issues. Mine was all from the procedure. So it was literally like the incision was painful. Insertion was painful. Everything was just so, so painful.

Corene Lavhan: So because of that, my body just wasn't ready. And I really used to think people was blowing smoke up my ass when they would say that. Like, after having kids, no, I couldn't do this and I couldn't do that. I'm like, girl, how can't you have sex after kids? But I totally get it now, which is why you should not say what you never would do or wouldn't experience, because you don't know. So yeah, that was a humbling experience, because I never thought that I would be one of those people that would have things to add to that narrative.

Kenrya: Right. So kind of on another note, can you tell us about a sexual experience that you remember fondly?

Erica: I love asking this question.

Kenrya: Yeah, me too.

Corene Lavhan: So it would have to be right before the pandemic. My best friend in Dallas had her 35th birthday party. And so it was the first time that both of our kids were away from us. We had a hotel without them. We had some drinks, it was just a very, very good weekend. And it was the first time where we were just able to have sex with no interruptions, not thinking about somebody coming into the room. And I feel like after you have children, or if someone's in the house or whatever, someone's visiting, it doesn't matter. There's always this level of awareness that you have of other people, and you have to be conscious of somebody hearing you or somebody doing this. When you have a hotel room with no children, you don't care. Like you don't give a shit.

Corene Lavhan: And so it was just our first time being able to have sex and not rush to put our clothes back on, like have sex and just lay there. Have sex and not worry about my child running in to get in bed with me at four o'clock in the morning. And that's a level of freedom that I feel like you just need to experience on that consistent basis. Like it just needs to happen. So yeah, that whole entire weekend of sex was just... it was just magical, because it's almost like we were like newlyweds, because we just didn't have any responsibilities the next morning. We didn't have anything to think about for like four days, and so there was a lot of sex had that weekend.

Erica: So what does your sex life look like now?

Corene Lavhan: So it's a minimum of two times a week, and I think we've just realized that it's just really important. Like I said, after having children we went stints without having sex for a very long time. And we really like each other and we're attracted to each other, and I just feel like it's just important to be consistent with things that you like to do and things that make you feel good. So minimum of two times a week.

Erica: Was this a minimum that you guys [crosstalk 00:26:28] or did it just kind of happen that way?

Corene Lavhan: It just happens. It just happens. But we did used to have dates.

Erica: Okay.

Corene Lavhan: Like we did used to have two days a week, like strict two days a week that we would have sex a week, just to make sure that we wouldn't forget. It's like days run together after you have kids sometimes. And so we used to have like strict days, like Wednesday and Sunday, whatever happens. And it adds excitement, because it's like we know by the end of the night you're going to be having sex.

Corene Lavhan: So now I feel like it just happens now. Kids have gotten older. I feel like we're just in a different space now. So we are consistent. We still like to add toys and lubes and all those things. And it's just... I don't know, I just feel like I'm just really lucky when it comes to sex and in that department. I'm with someone who's not afraid of exploring, who's not intimidated by my sexuality, who's not intimidated by the things that I want to do. I've been told that that's not always common. So I'm just grateful for the consistency and just a healthy sex life. I don't take it for granted.

Erica: Okay. So are there certain times of the day that are best for you to have sex? Like morning, night?

Corene Lavhan: When my children are asleep.

Erica: Whenever that may be.

Corene Lavhan: When my children are asleep. I've tried to do it when they were up and like watching a movie or something like that. But my husband is never relaxed enough and so-

Erica: And kids [crosstalk 00:28:42] you having too much fun. I sense fun being had without me.

Corene Lavhan: “Let me bust into the room.”

Erica: Yeah.

Corene Lavhan: And so I'm so happy that we've never been in a situation, knock on wood, that that has not happened with us. They have not come into the room. Because I just rather them be asleep. Like just go to bed and please do not wake up and let me give you some extra melatonin tonight.

Erica: Okay. And how long does sex typically last between you and your partner?

Corene Lavhan: So that's one thing about me. I'm very sexual, but I don't need to be having sex all day down. I don't need to be having sex all day. I don't need to do it. Foreplay, sex, relaxing, we are good for about an hour. That's about my sweet spot. An hour is like, that's more than just sex. It's foreplay, it's all of the things. But yeah, after an hour, we're ready to eat snacks.

Kenrya: Yes, snacks.

Erica: Get so many fruit snacks.

Corene Lavhan: Go get the fruit snacks. They just went trick or treating, go get me some Twizzlers, some Snickers. I don't need you to be pounding me all day long. I don't need to be riding you all day. I don't. No, no, no, no. Let's get it done. We know what we're doing. We know how to please each other. I don't need you pleasing me for five hours. I just be looking at some people, and not judging, but I'm just like, I just don't have the stamina. I just don't.

Kenrya: Same.

Corene Lavhan: I just don't.

Erica: So I think I know the answer to this, but where do you guys usually do it?

Corene Lavhan: In our room.

Erica: Yeah.

Corene Lavhan: In our room. Yeah.

Erica: Roving little people.

Corene Lavhan: When we lived in DC, we were in a house, so we would do it in different places. But here we're in a smaller space, so we're in our room for the most part.

Erica: Okay.

Corene Lavhan: Yeah.

Kenrya: What is the very best part of your current sex life?

Corene Lavhan: Freedom. Like just freedom to like do whatever I want to do. Freedom to explore. If I want to introduce a new toy, if I want to introduce a new lube, if I want to try a different position, it's just freedom to do whatever makes me happy. And vice versa, whatever my husband wants to do. It's just a solid, unspoken freedom to explore.

Kenrya: And then on flip side, what's the most frustrating part?

Corene Lavhan: I think the most frustrating part is living with two little people.

Kenrya: I figured.

Corene Lavhan: I mean, to be honest, it's like I love my children, but sometimes you just want to have loud, amazing sex that is not going to be heard by other people, or it's not going to wake someone up. And so I feel like that's the one thing that I'm just like, I hope they don't come in. I hope they don't come in.

Kenrya: I was about to say, y'all ain't got no lock on y'all door?

Corene Lavhan: Yeah, we have. But it's like, sometimes you forget. So I feel like that's the one thing, where I'm just like... we don't live close to a lot of our family, so it's not like they're going to grandma's house every weekend. Our kids are with us. So I would say that that's the only thing, I'm like I wish I send y'all to Cleveland.

Erica: You're from Cleveland?

Kenrya: You're from Cleveland?

Corene Lavhan: Or we'd go to Dallas. Yeah, I'm from Cleveland. Are you from Cleveland?

Kenrya: Shut up. Okay, we'll after about what parts. Did not know that. Word. Yeah, I too wish I could send my child to Cleveland from time to time.

Erica: Are there any things in your day that can prevent you from being in the mood?

Corene Lavhan: If me and my husband have a moment, like a spat or... we don't really argue, it's just clear that we're just not vibing, that will ruin everything. Everything for me. That will ruin it. I'm just temperamental. I'm a Gemini. So if the food that I ordered isn't right.

Erica: Me too.

Corene Lavhan: It's like the food that I ordered at the restaurant ain't right, I just have to make sure...

Erica: I asked for cheese, they put the wrong kind of cheese on it. Yeah.

Corene Lavhan: Yes. And it just ruins my mood. And so I'm one of those people, I have to be very, very diligent about chasing my happy, and making sure that I'm being very intentional and not letting things get to me because it will happen. And so I've done a lot of work on myself to like prevent that, because it will just ruin my day. And so, I've just done work to make sure, me and my therapist have talked to make sure that I'm staying on track. But yeah, if anything just... if I got to cuss somebody, it just ruins everything.

Kenrya: That's reasonable.

Corene Lavhan: But I'm doing better with coming back around from that. I don't stay in the moment as long as I used to, because you just realize people are always going to be people, and you either going to let them continue to ruin your day or not.

Kenrya: That's great.

Corene Lavhan: Yeah. People can ruin it. People that you live with, people outside of your house.

Kenrya: So we talked earlier about your younger self and your masturbation habits. Now we want to know about now. So how often do you masturbate now, and what's your favorite technique these days?

Corene Lavhan: I've always been a hand person, for the most part. So I actually like to have sex, and I like to masturbate after we have sex. So that's my go-to. I usually masturbate with my husband, or sometimes I'll before. But it's usually when we're together.

Erica: Okay.

Corene Lavhan: I've had moments where I'll do it without him, but it's like we'll probably have sex that night or something, because it's probably like we went too long without having sex. But yeah, it's usually while we're together.

Erica: Okay. Do you ever have trouble just turning off your day and focusing on bodily pleasure?

Corene Lavhan: Told you I'm temperamental. Yes. Just stress. I don't know, I feel like this is off a little bit, but I feel like last summer with the uprisings, I just really look at myself as a Black woman in a completely different way. And I feel like last summer just really showed me the importance of, like I said, chasing your joy and making sure that you're not letting these outside forces ruin everything for you. And so I really struggle with that sometimes. I really struggle with the Karen that's looking at me while I'm working out in the gym. I really struggle with stuff like that, and that's stuff that I really hold onto, and that can just really just ruin everything for me, and just take me out of the place that I want to be in.

Corene Lavhan: And so it's moments like that, just going throughout life, being with sucky people, it can just really ruin it for me. So those are the times where I have to actively choose me, and choose my pleasure, and choose my happiness. And remember that, like I said, people will always be people. And so you have to... you can't always respond to outside forces and let that ruin your day, because literally every day will be ruined. I literally was working out today and this white woman was just staring. I'm like, what are you looking at? Five years ago I would've cussed her out, but I'm so proud of myself for not allowing something like that to just get to me. Because they know what they're doing. And so I just think it's so important for Black women to be unapologetically happy and just up lift each other, and just always be in tune with our power, because that's why they don't like us.

Kenrya: Word. So if you could snap your fingers and change anything about your sex life, what would it be? One thing.

Corene Lavhan: Just one? Larger bedroom. Like massive.

Kenrya: You want different stations.

Erica: You want swings and stuff, yeah.

Corene Lavhan: Just space. Space, pole, just have it all. Just a very, very intimate feel for the bedroom.

Erica: Okay.

Corene Lavhan: Just space.

Erica: Cool.

Corene Lavhan: Yes.

Erica: So what's a sex best practice you want to share with our listeners?

Corene Lavhan: I feel like it's so important to talk about sex. I really do. I literally had a friend ask me yesterday. She was like, so such and such wanted to know about toys that you use. And I'm like, I feel so honored when people come to me for that, because I feel like we just don't normalize just things that I feel like we should be talking about. Like how do you become a better cook? You talk about recipes, and you swap recipes, and you do things. Grandma passes down her recipe. I feel the same way about sex. Like maybe you not talking to grandma about sex, but you should be talking to Keish and Brittany, like you should be talking about these things.

Corene Lavhan: Because it's important to explore, and explore who you are, with your sexuality, and the things that you want to do, the things that your partner wants to do. You should be talking to yourself, you should be talking to your body, your friends, your partner. I just think talking about sex is so important. That's how I was introduced to so many things, like grown, grown women just talking to me about things and just being very, very open and transparent about a lot of things. A lot of things. I'm a performer, and I was in a show “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf,” and I was the youngest one. I was 19, and I was with women who were like thirties. Some of them had been divorced. I mean, grown women. And they really were just like... it's almost like they forgot I was in the room.

Erica: But that's how you learn, listening to those.

Corene Lavhan: Yeah. I mean, and it's not like they forgot that I was in a room. They honestly, I feel like they were honestly being open, really, really open for me to equip me, and they did. They are the reason why I'm just so... they're some of the reason why I'm just so comfortable with pleasuring myself and normalizing the female body, and not being ashamed of it. Not being ashamed of what makes me feel good. It really is shunned upon, especially amongst Black people. We don't talk about sex, we don't do anything. And I'm like, that's just so backwards to me. I feel like it's just a gateway to so much happiness and so much joy and so much freedom. We weaponize sex in a lot of ways. So I feel like it's just best practice to like talk about it all.

Kenrya: So you've mentioned your toys a few times during this talk. I'm wondering, do you have any must use tools that you might want to recommend to folks?

Corene Lavhan: So I love a good cock ring. I love a good cock ring, vibrating cock ring. I have never, ever been this open. I mean, I know you guys know this, but I love a good vibrating cock ring. I love the way it pleasures my husband. I love the way it pleasures me. The vibration, the sensation. I love warming lubricant. And I just love vibrators. I don't do like... not shunning it or anything, but I don't do really big vibrators. I like smaller vibrators, because you can just manipulate them in different places and do different things. I feel like I'm old school. It's like, give me a little vibrator, give me some good lube, and a cock ring, and we can have a great night.

Erica: Cool. So would you rather give up partnered sex or masturbation?

Corene Lavhan: Masturbation.

Erica: Okay.

Kenrya: What do you hope that folks who listen to this learn from our little walk through your sex life?

Corene Lavhan: To be free. To do what you want to do. To explore. To not let our cultural norms, whether it be as a Black person, as a woman, as queer, whatever, don't let any of the cultural norms or stereotypes stop you from doing what you want to do. Explore, do what you want to do. Explore with who you want to explore with, explore with what you want to explore with. It's your birthright to make yourself happy through sex. I just think it's just so important to just let down any walls that you have, and just allow yourself to be free.

Erica: So what's turning you on today?

Corene Lavhan: Today? So my husband is bald. He has a bald head. And it really is a turn on when he shaves, like when he shaves and it's fresh. And so he just shaved. It's almost like it's a reset button. Like whenever he shaves, it's like a reset button.

Erica: “You fine. You fine. You even finer again.”

Corene Lavhan: “You fine and chocolate.” Yes, yes. Yeah, I saw him... he got dressed today, he was on a call, had his headphones on. I was like, “Yes, okay.”

Erica: Tonight's the night.

Kenrya: All right. So as we wrap up, can you tell folks where they can find you?

Corene Lavhan: Yes. So I am on Instagram at Corene, C-O-R-E-N-E dot L-A-V-H-A-N. Corene Lavhan. Corene.Lavhan.

Kenrya: Dope. And you going to give them any information about your show?

Corene Lavhan: Yes. So the Mommy Hour podcast is available on all platforms, and I am doing a Mommy Hour Wednesday, every Wednesday at 12:00 PM, Pacific standard time. So you can tune in and I'm interviewing moms and just anyone who can contribute to the motherhood journey, and talking about the ups and downs of the motherhood experience.

Kenrya: Dope. Awesome. Thank you so much for coming on and talking to us this week.

Corene Lavhan: Yes. Thank you for having me.

Kenrya: Yay. And thank all of you for listening. That wraps up this week's episode of The Turn On. Y'all take care.

[theme music]
 
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Hit subscribe right now in your favorite podcast app and at YouTube.com/TheTurnOnPodcast, so you'll never miss an episode.
 
Erica: Then follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. And you can find links to books, transcripts, guest info, what's turning us on, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com.
 
Kenrya: And don't forget to email us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com with your book recommendations and your pressing sex-and related questions.
 
Erica: And you can support the show by leaving us a five-star review, buying some merch or becoming a patron of the show. Just head to TheTurnOnPodcast.com to make that happen.
 
Kenrya: Thanks for listening and we'll see you soon. Holla.

 
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SHOW NOTES
​This week, Erica and Kenrya talk to author and show fave Jodie Slaughter about the joys of lube,  antidepressants and orgasms, being a pillow princess, why terrible people are always willing to jump into relationships and why you need an Aries on your team.
​
​RESOURCES
Guest, Jodie Slaughter | Website | Instagram | Twitter | Facebook
Foria | Website | Discount Code: THETURNON10 

Jodie's Recommendations:
"A Taste of Her Own Medicine" by Tasha L. Harrison | Bookshop | Amazon
"Shots Not Taken" by Nicole Falls|Bookshop | Amazon

TRANSCRIPT
Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
 
[theme music]

Kenrya: Hey y'all. Thanks for coming back. Today, we are talking to ... when I say podcast fave, I need y'all to understand, this is real.

Erica: Favorite.

Kenrya: There's only a couple of y'all that are like fam and yes.

Erica: Yes.

Kenrya: So we're so happy to have you back. Who am I talking about? I am talking about Jodie Slaughter, pronouns she and her. Yes. Jodie is a 20-something romance author who's lucky enough to spend most of her days hunched over a computer writing love stories. While her back is definitely suffering, listen, mine too, she wouldn't have it any other way.

Kenrya: She loves love, so her novels are full of heart, passion, and heat. When she isn't putting steamy scenes or declarations of devotion on the page, she can normally be found being generally hilarious on Twitter, dreaming about brisket, or consuming way too much television. Hey girl!

Jodie Slaughter: Hi.

Erica: Yes, voice.

Jodie Slaughter: Yes, I'm just trying to get like you, girl.

Erica: Girl. Kenrya's like, “Hello.” And I'm like, "Ahh."

Jodie Slaughter: I know. I know truly.

Erica: So before we even get started, we have a small celebration because, when Jodie was on last time, she was like slaving, doing the nine to five, just working, working for the man. Now this bitch den got a deal, and this hoe done quit her job, and she's just living the dream.

Jodie Slaughter: But I'm also like, "Okay y'all, you can't rob me yet." This is like fully the work of like savings from my other job. The fact that I live in Kentucky and like deal stuff. I am not living a high life.

Kenrya: Yeah, because that book money is slow, slow.

Jodie Slaughter: I drive a 2006 Saturn Ion. Like it's okay. But ...

Kenrya: But you're making it happen.

Jodie Slaughter: I absolutely am, and I'm very glad I don't have to make it happen going to work every day.

Erica: Well, we are proud of you. I was saying like, "Jodie's like baby sister, like-“

Jodie Slaughter: Yes.

Erica: So, so happy to see you escaped the clutches of the man and you are like fully pursuing your dreams and making us happy as well as our nibbly bits.

Jodie Slaughter: Beautiful. Nibbly bits.

Erica: Let's jump in. When do you first remember masturbating?

Jodie Slaughter: Oh, since you know I was thinking about this I think pretty ... well, I guess, I was going to say pretty early, but I guess I don't know. I think I hear a lot of like cis women talk about how they didn't discover masturbating until like college. But I think I was like 11.

Erica: So here's the thing, most of the women that we interview for this, they're all like young too.

Kenrya: I was always like a toddler.

Erica: Yeah.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. I think that's what I remember, but very well may have been a little younger than that, but definitely like 11.

Erica: Okay. What was your preferred technique?

Jodie Slaughter: Oh, I was a teddy bear humper, 100%.

Kenrya: There's so many of y'all.

Erica: So many of us were teddy bear humpers. I was a Minnie Mouse humper. There was a Teddy Ruxpin humper.

Jodie Slaughter: I had two. I don't know where I got this little white bear because the nose was hard. I'm sick. And I'd be going, I'd be like, "I'm the only one. The nub, it had a hard nub nose, right?

Erica: Literally, someone said Teddy Ruxpin, and he had a hard nose.

Jodie Slaughter: And then I used to like bend it in half. One day my granny came home with this giant Shrek that was like about ... it was like quite big and a giant donkey. And my sister took the donkey and I took the Shrek, and there were definitely times I would switch between good old teddy bear and Shrek. Yeah. I had that Shrek long after I stopped humping it, probably until I was like 21, I think. It was like such a comforting thing to me. I slept with it every night.

Erica: Well, I think that this shows that we all feel like, "Oh my goodness, I'm the only person, as a kid, humping my ... We're all doing the same thing. We just-

Jodie Slaughter: I was fully like, "Oh, I'm deviant. Something is not-

Erica: ... Like the rest of us.

Jodie Slaughter: Thank God. I think I didn't ... I actually did that for a very long time. I didn't like actually like touch myself with my hands until ... well, yeah. I mean, even after I'd already explored with other people, I would masturbate, but not touch myself, like hand on vagina, until like 15. There was something about it that was always like, "This feels scary, or I don't know what it feels like." I don't know. Do you know what I mean? Like-

Kenrya: it's harder too. I think.

Jodie Slaughter: Well, yes.

Erica: It's easier to sing the background accompaniment than acapella.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Well, right. That's true. Yeah. That's true. So yeah.

Erica: Okay.

Kenrya: No, that's real and very common, we're finding out as we're talking folks. I was a pillow girl. Like everybody, they use [inaudible 00:06:04].

Jodie Slaughter: I tried some pillows, but it was never enough. Do you know what I mean?

Kenrya: Our couch had the perfect pillows.

Jodie Slaughter: Do you know, what's so funny is, I hear ... you hear all those jokes, like on like sitcoms and whatever, about like teenage boys like putting their penis in between the couch cushions and people like, "Boys are so crazy," and I'm like, your daughters are humping everything in the house.

Kenrya: Every time you go to sleep.

Jodie Slaughter: Constantly.

Kenrya: Right. Go to sleep. Take your ass to bed.

Jodie Slaughter: Like, truly.

Kenrya: Lord. So how old were you when you had your first kiss?

Jodie Slaughter: Oh, probably I think 13. Yes, 13.

Erica: Was it a [inaudible 00:06:55] or a ...

Jodie Slaughter: It was a tongue kiss. Actually. Some of my first like real sexual explorations with another person was with, at the time, I'd like moved to a new school for eighth grade and made this like incredible new best friend. And she was, ... I don't know, she just ... I mean, she changed my life like fully. That's when I was like, "Oh, well maybe I'm not a straight person." But yeah, so my first kiss was with her. And she'd kissed before, and she was like, "Tongue. There's tongue here." So yeah. Yeah.

Kenrya: She said, "Keep that little muah away from me."

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Yeah. She's like.

Kenrya: The fuck is that?

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Yes, literally.

Erica: Okay. So how old were you when you had a sense of your gender identity?

Jodie Slaughter: That's actually such an interesting question because I'm like I'm a cis woman and I think I have ... there have been times, I think, as a Black woman, when I've definitely felt the need to like affirm that, or like present it in a way that's maybe a little over the top so that, for some reason, people recognize me as a woman, not a cis woman, just a woman. But I do remember being like ... so I used to straight backs when I was like little-

Erica: I remember the story, the straight backs and the pink Timbs.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Like six, seven, eight. Yes, I used to have straight backs, and I went on vacation with a best friend's family, And we were at like a LaQuinta inn at the little continental breakfast thing. And this old white man called me little boy.

Jodie Slaughter: And I remember being so like horrified, hurt, humiliated. I don't know, like just not feeling good. And I think that was the first time, because I think before that I was just like, whatever, I'm just a blob floating around. And all of-

Kenrya: Until somebody fucking misgendered you.

Jodie Slaughter: Yes. And then I was like, "No." And then I also never wore straight backs again after that. It was like I was not used to putting my foot down about my hair. Like I said, my grandmother was a hairdresser, she made all the decisions about my hair, and she was like, "Well, we're putting you in straight backs for the summer because you're wild as hell and I'm not doing your hair every day.

Jodie Slaughter: And I remember going back home and being like, "I don't want to wear those braids anymore." And I never did again.

Kenrya: That fucking white man taking away your protective styles.

Jodie Slaughter: I know, right? And now I literally don't know how to like corn row. Do you know how handy it would ... it would come so in handy right now to be able to like,-

Erica: Girl.

Jodie Slaughter: And now I don't know how to do it because I was like-

Erica: Come on over. I'll do your hair.

Jodie Slaughter: I'm coming.

Erica: Come on over.

Kenrya: She can't braid.

Erica: I can't?

Jodie Slaughter: It doesn't matter.

Erica: [cross talk 00:10:11].

Jodie Slaughter: Period.

Kenrya: Okay, you had your first kiss at 13. How old were you when you first started like experimenting sexually with other people? Like was that kind of the kickoff or was it just kissing for a while?

Jodie Slaughter: So, actually, it was just kissing for a while. But my friend and I would have phone sex.

Kenrya: Word.

Jodie Slaughter: And not sexting.

Erica: This was the start of your career?

Jodie Slaughter: Yes, actually. I think, and it's also totally where I got my like ... I have like a big dirty talk kink. Like it's one of my favorite things about sex. It's one of my favorite things about writing sex and actively having it. And I think it very much does reach back to ... and this, like I said, this wasn't sexting and I didn't have ... this was like 2008, I didn't have my own cell phone. So we would be like ... I'd be like on my grandparents' landline. So it was like very risky.

Kenrya: Anybody could have picked up that receiver.

Jodie Slaughter: Yes. Yes. I had my own phone in my room, but yes. Not my own line or anything. Yeah, so we'd always do it like at night, and that was sort of like it for like a while. Then when I was 16, I actively had sex with a boy. But also, I think, before that I did a lot more like exploring with like my mind and myself, and not so much ... I definitely had friends that were like, "Okay, well first you get fingered, and first you do blow jobs, and then you have sex," but mine was kind of like, "Well, okay. I'll just have sex and then," I guess I was like, "We'll get to that later." So yeah.

Erica: Okay. So tell us about the first time you had partnered sex. How old were you? What was it like?

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah, the first time I partnered sex was with cis boy from my high school. I was 16 years old. It was fine. I had already like penetrated myself, so it wasn't especially painful. Also ,he was like a teenage boy, so it's not like ...

Kenrya: He was working with a whole lot of [inaudible 00:12:49].

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Right. So that was like pretty fine. I also had a pretty keen understanding of what turned me on, I think. Like I'd been reading fan fiction by that point, writing it. Like smut. So I had a pretty like ... also like phone sex. I had a pretty keen understanding of like ... I mean, the limited view that you have as a 16-year-old, when it comes to sex. Like, I was pretty ... I was like, "Yeah."

Jodie Slaughter: But it was nice. It was like very unassuming. I didn't have an orgasm during like the penetrative sex, but he fingered me before and I did have an orgasm. So I was like, "Okay. "

Kenrya: Oh. Cool.

Jodie Slaughter: And that was fine.

Kenrya: [inaudible 00:13:35].

Jodie Slaughter: Like, yeah. It was fine. But we spent like a little while having sex, and then it ... it got like ... I mean, it was two teenagers having sex, but you know. Yeah. So better, quote-unquote. It got better.

Kenrya: As time went on?

Jodie Slaughter: Yes. Yeah. I want to say a little under a year.

Kenrya: Oh wow.

Jodie Slaughter: We slept together. Yeah.

Erica: Oh, okay. T.

Kenrya: That's like a long time in teenage years.

Erica: Teen. Yeah. That's like y'all about to get married.

Jodie Slaughter: I was very-

Erica: [inaudible 00:14:16] everyone.

Jodie Slaughter: That's fair.

Erica: [inaudible 00:14:20].

Jodie Slaughter: That's fair. I've always been like, "Wow, that was such a short time," like sort of looking back on it. because you think about that time through the seasons of like when you were in school, and then like when you were not in school, and when you were in school again, that type of thing.

Jodie Slaughter: But yeah. He was like hot, sad boy. Do you know what I mean?

Erica: Yes. Just what the angsty teen needed.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%.

Kenrya: That hit the spot.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah.

Kenrya: I think about how many people ... I mean, there are folks who I was in relationships with in high school, whose names I don't remember, who lasted for, I don't know, a week where we was going together.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah, that's fair.

Kenrya: When we walked to class together. You know what I'm saying?

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah.

Kenrya: So I can't even think of nobody that lasted that fucking long.

Jodie Slaughter: I mean, that's so interesting because I'm like, ... now I'm like, "Okay, I'm comparing like what my dating life is now to then." And I was never a, "Let's be my boyfriend/girlfriend type of ... and actually, I'm going to say boyfriend because in high school, even though I knew I was bisexual, I would not have dated a girl publicly, to be honest. It would've been, that was like terrifying to me, and caused the fallout ultimately of me and that friend.

Jodie Slaughter: But I was never a ... I had this one boyfriend and like kind of just because I didn't know how to say, "No, I don't want to be your girlfriend," so I just said yes. And like, to his credit, he ... I, genuinely, even looking back on it with like fresh eyes, he like wasn't forceful. I think we literally, we dated for like six months when we were 15, we kissed like once. That's how much I was not ...

Jodie Slaughter: And then I was like, "Yeah, I think I'm okay on the boyfriend thing." So this guy wasn't my boyfriend. I mean, we'd like go to Wendy's and have sex at his mom's house.

Kenrya: Whatever that means as a kid.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. But he wasn't my boyfriend and I, in high school, I did not have ... I didn't really date.

Erica: Okay. So what three words would you use to describe your sexual experiences from your teens? In your teens.

Jodie Slaughter: Fast. Experimentational. Experimental? Either one, one of those. I'm a writer. And funny.

Erica: You want to tell us more?

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Well, fast, I think for pretty obvious reasons. But also, I always like to ... I have been lucky enough to not have tons of issues orgasming. I'm a pretty hair trigger type of person. Well, I mean, not like, but- yes.

Kenrya: You know what you're doing.

Jodie Slaughter: Yes. So, I mean, fast because you know, for obvious reasons, like he wasn't lasting long and I wasn't either. Experimentational because this would've been like 2011, so I was definitely just getting on Tumblr and learning about ... I was actively trying to like ... thinking about certain kink things that I was like kind of just learning.

Erica: All right, go Tumblr.

Jodie Slaughter: I know, right. Right?

Kenrya: They did that to their selves.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. 100% fully self-immolation. And he was like kind of just along for the ride, do you know what I mean? He was like, "Yeah. Okay." I mean, he wasn't like hesitant. Like I wasn't like, "Okay, we're doing this," but like spanking and stuff like that, like light stuff. But I was like, "Okay, I'm into this, and maybe I kind of don't like this," or some things I learned that I just didn't like. With him, whatever.

Jodie Slaughter: And then funny because when I think back on it, I think about how hilarious it is because like buying the condoms was always like a big deal, and I wasn't on birth control, so I was like, we're going to use a condom, but you're also going to pull out." And it was just like, I it's just like a ... it's like sitcom shit to me when I think back on it.

Jodie Slaughter: But overall, like nice, I think, generally.

Erica: Okay.

Kenrya: Word. Yeah. That's pretty dope. And also really, I, I think that perhaps people maybe would think experimental makes sense as teens, but also, I think a lot of folks don't actually experiment very much when they're that young.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. That's right. And now, granted, I was poisoned by the internet young. I think that is a really like important part of the specific spaces I was inhabiting online from like age 12-13, on. Had their absolute definite drawbacks on poisoning my brain, but also on like sort of making me feel comfortable having like autonomy over my own pleasure. So yeah.

Kenrya: I'm struck by ... so you know we're 40, and when we were in our teens, we had AOL dial up.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Yeah.

Kenrya: And we had to put, fully put a fucking DVD into the machine, and you had to connect to your ... put your phone cord in the back of the computer, and go through the whole situation. And so, we didn't have all of that. When we get Google ... I distinctly remember getting Google when I was in undergrad-

Jodie Slaughter: Getting Google.

Kenrya: Yes. I remember in writing class and my teacher-

Jodie Slaughter: I remember getting an email address.

Kenrya: Well, I had an email address. I had an AOL address.

Jodie Slaughter: I think I was born with an email address.

Kenrya: My kid was, yeah.

Jodie Slaughter: When I was in high school, my best friend, who is still one of my best friends, had an AOL ... @aol.com, and we used to make fun of her because we'd be like, "It's 1200, why do you have an AOL email address?"

Kenrya: And there are still people who do.

Jodie Slaughter: I think she's kept it for prosperity's sake, but-

Erica: Yeah, at like at this point [inaudible 00:21:28].

Jodie Slaughter: We're like, girl

Kenrya: I had to email somebody for something the other day and it was a Hotmail account. I was just like, "Hey."

Jodie Slaughter: How is that possible?

Kenrya: Listen, that's just their [inaudible 00:21:38].

Jodie Slaughter: At hotmail dot com

Kenrya: It's just still real. But I'm struck by the way that technology really did play a role. Even if you hadn't necessarily been in those specific spaces, the fact that you could. We just didn't have ... we had, turn the TV the right way and maybe you can see some Skinemax at night. Right? Like we just-

Jodie Slaughter: Well, that's actually also a thing. We had all the channels, and we were also one of those families who had like ... there was a TV in my room. So we got like HBO. So I would watch-

Kenrya: “Real Sex.”

Jodie Slaughter: “Real Sex.” And then I would also watch “The L Word,” which was like incredibly sexy. Well, there was a lot of sex. I'm looking at this through like every 27-year-old eyes, trying to, a few months ago, trying to go back and rewatch the old one and being like, "Oh my God."

Erica: [inaudible 00:22:34] again.

Jodie Slaughter: But also, there were these movies that would come on, like anything that had sex was like titillating to me. Have you guys seen “Not Another Teenage Movie”?

Kenrya: Yeah, I think so.

Jodie Slaughter: It's like a satire comedy parody of like teen movies from the late nineties and early two thousands. And so a lot of it is like, if you watched it now, whether or not you find it funny, a lot of the sex jokes are like overwrought and like ... it's satire.

Jodie Slaughter: I fully remember like being very excited if I would flip through the channels and that movie would come on, because I'd be like, "Oh, I'm about to get horny because there's a legit scene where like an elderly woman is making out with like a woman who's like 20. And I remember being like, "Oh," because it's one of those things where it's just like it's sex. And so it's like, "Oh my God. Wow."

Erica: They're doing it, they're doing it, they're doing it."

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah, literally. If a movie talked about sex, I was like, I was all over it. So that was very much a part of it too. But yeah.

Kenrya: Wow. So then our follow-up question is what three words would you use to describe your sexual experiences in your twenties?

Jodie Slaughter: Lord. Better. Actually, that's hard. And I should have thought about these, but I was like thinking all day and I was like, "I don't know. I'm I'll just do it on the spot and it'll be fine." Okay, so better-

Kenrya: It's hard.

Jodie Slaughter: It is hard. Hard. No. I think better, intimate, in a way that they were not before, and assured, confident, something along those lines. Better, just because, obviously, the more sex you have, the better you care about yourself, the ... when you get partners who give a about like making you feel good, obviously the sex is going to be better, and who know what they're doing.

Jodie Slaughter: What was the second word I said?

Kenrya: Oh. Better. Shit.

Jodie Slaughter: I literally-

Kenrya: Your last one was assured and confident.

Jodie Slaughter: Me too.

Kenrya: The second one was-

Jodie Slaughter: Oh, intimate.

Erica: Oh, yeah. because I was like, "Ooh, that's a good one." Yeah.

Jodie Slaughter: In my twenties, is sort of like the first time I'd experience like love in sex, or even, if not love, just like deep, deep fondness and like feeling like I was being cared for. And so I think a lot of the experiences were significantly more intimate, even if they were like simple, like two people missionary in a bed, under the covers, like than some shit I did when I was 19, where like- One hand on neck, one hand on frontal.

Kenrya: Has its benefits, to be clear.

Jodie Slaughter: Oh. Oh. Please do not misunderstand. Why are you being weird to me? And then, just so for sure, just because I ... and this is actually recent. This is like in the past year or two, I do feel sex, to me, has felt better, the better I felt about myself. So yeah.

Kenrya: I love that.

Jodie Slaughter: Thank you. I'm glad.

Kenrya: So you've told us about your first time. What's another experience that really ... like I think we all have experiences that maybe were kind of not so great. But what's something that stands out to you that you are ... like the kind of thing that you just sometimes flash back to and remember fondly.

Erica: What you got to call upon when you doing the do, when you're masturbating alone. Ooh, that one time.

Jodie Slaughter: Oh, do you know what? Okay. Actually, so we're going to get into my very ... because there's a question on here where we're going to get into my very bizarre masturbating thoughts, but I'll bring it up, I don't think about sex I've had when I masturbate.

Erica: Oh God.

Kenrya: Oh, I don't either, actually. Not really.

Jodie Slaughter: And I feel like most people are like, "Oh, I just think about that." And I'm like, "No." I also don't think about people, like specific people really. But anyway. So, but okay.

Jodie Slaughter: I'm going to, because this is a thing that has been bolstering me in the past weeks, and it's an experience that I had actually relatively recently, a few months ago. And I think it's so significant to me because I hadn't been touched by another person in like ... or do you know what I mean? That wasn't my mom or my sister, in like a year and a half. Hadn't been like kissed, hadn't been anything. And then in like May, I decided, "Okay, well maybe like we're vaccinated, maybe we can like start like dating. And so I had this like brief fling with this man and it was like totally fine. It was nice.

Jodie Slaughter: We went out on a date and after we like eat lunch, we're sitting on this bench and he just kind of brings up how on the ride there, because he came and got me, actually, he'd been thinking about asking if he could touch my thigh, but didn't because he didn't know if that would be too forward. And I was like, because I ... a couple days before that the date had already been planned, and I had dreamed about him touching my thigh in the car, and I woke up and was just like so horny, I could hardly move.

Jodie Slaughter: And I was like, "Oh, this is how like touch starved I am. That was what ... And so, whatever, when we get back into the car, I take his hand, I put it on my thigh. Anyway, worst comes worse ... I mean, not worst comes to worse. He fingers me in the car and it's maybe the best orgasm I've had in like a good long time.

Jodie Slaughter: And so I've been thinking about that for weeks, because that is no longer. And I think it's just like it's not that it's the best thing I've ever done sexually or the best experience I've ever had, but it just stands out to me as sort of like the pure euphoria that I felt after going so long without, and also we kissed as a well, so without ... for just like was kind of ... I'm not sure I'd ever like really felt that before. And I was like, "Wow, I'm really going to appreciate sex in a different way coming out of a pandemic."

Kenrya: Yeah, that's real.

Erica: I need that in a short story. Like the dream, the date, the ask, and like I just ... Give me a short story, please and thank you.

Jodie Slaughter: It was very nice. And he ... I mean, not to like, because like I said, that's no longer, but he was a pretty big dude. He was like six-three, and was training for like strong man competitions. So he lifted logs.

Erica: Wow.

Jodie Slaughter: You know what I mean? Or like they have imitation logs. Yeah. And so his hands were like very rough and callous, and like fat, like meaty fingers. Turkish fingers. Wait, that's awful. But it was nice.

Erica: You are writing this. You're writing this. Your description ... please and thank you.

Jodie Slaughter: Anyway-

Erica: That's all I'm going to say.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Yeah.

Kenrya: And it's a good reminder, right? That people can flit in and flit out, and [inaudible 00:31:47].

Jodie Slaughter: Yes. And give you experiences that are like, that I will ... I think I will be thinking about that moment for, maybe, forever. I just feel like, spent the pandemic ... now, obviously there was a pandemic and there was a million other things going on. There was like my own mental health, and so I'm ... you're just like being wound tighter and tighter, and tighter, and tighter. And it didn't take a lot for me to like have this incredible euphoric release. And I was like, "Wow." So yeah, that one.

Erica: That's beautiful. I'm here for it, for you. I'm here for it. So what does your sex life look like right now?

Jodie Slaughter: Oh God. So my sex life right now is like ... It's not nonexistent, but ... okay, so I'm on Prozac. I'm on an SSRI.

Kenrya: Listen, we just had this fucking conversation.

Erica: I had to come off because it killed my pussy. My pussy was dead.

Kenrya: And my neurologist had tried to put me on it. And, E, I didn't even tell you this. I talked to her, I was like, "Yeah, my bestie said that it killed her pussy." I was like, "I don't want it," and she was like, "Okay. We'll find something else."

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. No. Fully. Okay, so I have a recent OCD diagnosis. What I thought was a generalized anxiety disorder is actually obsessive compulsive disorder. And so-

Kenrya: I was about to say. I got GAD, she got OCD.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah.

Kenrya: Hey girl.

Jodie Slaughter: Listen. And so, right now, the Prozac is like the best thing for me. But, no, and it literally sucks having to like ... but it hasn't killed, it's just that I think I used to be like-

Kenrya: it's a harder to come now.

Jodie Slaughter: Masturbate like every ... it's harder. It's harder, for sure. Like I said, hair trigger. I can for like 40 minutes until I have an orgasm. Like rub myself raw. And I'm normally, I'm the type of bitch who's like, "All right, I need to go to bed in 10 minutes. Let's get one out in three so we can sleep." Like, that's how I used to be. And now that ... and part of me does wonder if that's largely because I've, not become bored with myself, but I do wonder like, "Okay, how is it going to be if I introduce a partner and have someone else stimulating me?"

Kenrya: Or a new toy.

Jodie Slaughter: So yeah. I'm like ...

Erica: You don't like toys?

Jodie Slaughter: So analog. I do, but I'm very sensitive, and so I find that like the suckers, I can't. They hurt. And I'm not ... I enjoy being penetrated, like during sex, and then being fingered and stuff. But when I'm masturbating, I'm not really-

Erica: Straight to the clit. Yeah.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. It's like that's not-

Erica: I have a toy to show you when when we're over.

Jodie Slaughter: Okay. Yes, please.

Erica: You know, I think that that's ... I'm happy that you're talking about this because I think so many people, like with me, when I started Prozac, I felt like a new person. I was like, "Yo, is this how normal people live?" Like everything calmed down-

Jodie Slaughter: And then your libido is like, "We're going to go all the way down too with the-“

Erica: [cross talk 00:35:38]

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Erica: I think that

Jodie Slaughter: Serotonin goes up, we go down. Exactly.

Erica: But I also think it's important that we remember that we can have it all. We deserve it all. So if that mean you got to holler at your doctor and say, "Hey,-

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah, 100%.

Erica: They kind stepped me down on Prozac and we were trying something else. So I, so I didn't feel the like-

Jodie Slaughter: Cut off. Extreme-

Erica: Didn't feel like I felt before. but yeah, girl. That-

Kenrya: All that to say that it may be worth you having a really frank convers- ... like I said, because of what she told me, I went to my neurologist and was like, "I don't want that. Let's find something else." And so maybe you can find something that gives you that calm and that peace, but also lets you still be able to come in three minutes.

Jodie Slaughter: Literally.

Erica: Because I also will say-

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah, I honestly should.

Erica: I had those same questions. I was like, "Well, my broke." Is it because ... like is partners? Is it toys? Like what is it? And then I was working out, I changed my diet, all of this, because I was like, "It's got to be something." No, it was the Prozac.

Jodie Slaughter: It's the Prozac. Fully, it's the Prozac. When I went on Prozac, I think I genuinely ... it wasn't ... I knew that it was like a side effect of SSRIs, in general, but I was like, "Oh, well. Maybe it just won't happen to me." So I tried to just not think about it. And, yeah, that's not ... I mean, because I'm trying to ... I mean, I know people say cuffing season doesn't exist, but it does. And it's about to get cool and-

Erica: It does.

Jodie Slaughter: And I'm trying to get cuffed, over and over and over again.

Erica: I want my butt to hurt from something other than [inaudible 00:37:39]

Jodie Slaughter: I bought a Theragun in preparation.

Erica: Yes.

Kenrya: I have one too. Nobody in my house likes it except for me.

Jodie Slaughter: It feels so ... it's beautifully painful.

Kenrya: Yeah. My partner was always like, "Oh no."

Jodie Slaughter: Yup. You're so tense. I remember like I was with my mom. You know you're just like laying in your mom's bed or whatever, and she like tried to must massage. And I was like, "Ugh!" And she was like, "How are you this tense? How is it possible? And I was like ... But yeah.

Kenrya: Same. But I like it.

Jodie Slaughter: I love mine. Love it.

Kenrya: So okay, we were going to ask about masturbation later, but I feel like we should ask about it now. So what ... I'm guessing you're not still using your little white bear or Shrek, so is it just digitally? What's your thing?

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. I tend to go analog, with my fingers. What has helped me, the Prozac with like ... is using lube. Which like everybody should be using lube. It's fantastic.

Kenrya: Yes. It is. It makes everything better.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah, that is one of those things that's not actively like promoted if you're like a cis woman. Like you know what I mean?

Erica: [inaudible 00:39:03].

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah, in your twenties.

Kenrya: Exactly.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. So I found that that's worked. I would love to get my hands on a cannaube. I think it might change my life. But anyway. Yeah. And so I tend to just like analog, but I-

Kenrya: I want to say Foria has, I mean they-

Jodie Slaughter: They do, they have the CBD, don't they?

Kenrya: Yeah. And it's I have ... I looked toward this room because it's right ... Mine are right over there.

Jodie Slaughter: Oh really?

Kenrya: Yeah. Their lubes are actually pretty damn good. Yeah.

Jodie Slaughter: Have you tried the suppositories?

Kenrya: Yes. I use them all the time. So we use For- ... we both. Yeah. And I have a ton of Foria in here.

Jodie Slaughter: Oh bet.

Kenrya: So the suppositories I use for two different things. I use them when I'm on my period because I have dysmenorrhea, and it is incredibly painful, and so that helps. I insert those vaginally to help kind of calm everything down. And then I also use them anally to help open things up. And they are both lovely.

Jodie Slaughter: Do the capsules come out or do they just disintegrate into your body?

Kenrya: They disintegrate.

Jodie Slaughter: Beautiful.

Kenrya: I find that it's good to put them in the fridge for a few minutes before you start because they soften so fast that you want to make sure you can get them all the way up in there before they start to fall apart.

Jodie Slaughter: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kenrya: You put them in the fridge for 10 minutes before you go, and they just melt very lovely.

Jodie Slaughter: That's always the only thing I was terrified about when it came to suppositories. I was like, "Am I going to have to like root around for the little [inaudible 00:40:38]

Kenrya: No. So you open a little plastic and it is like a little-

Jodie Slaughter: Oh.

Kenrya: If I could get up and get one, I would right now, but it's like a little thing and then you just stick it up in there.

Jodie Slaughter: Beautiful.

Kenrya: It smells like cocoa butter.

Jodie Slaughter: Okay. Because I have gotten some Foria CBD on your recommendation before, and I did enjoy it, but I think I realized that like regular CBD for like taking it just like orally, just kind of wasn't because you know ... This is like pretty good enough for me.

Kenrya: And it's more effective when you pair with a THC product.

Jodie Slaughter: Yes. But which would be great, but I think I'm going to try their lube out.

Erica: Yeah.

Kenrya: Good. Definitely. Yeah. And they, they just reintroduced their vape pen too. Because apparently they had to stop shipping it because UPS and FedEx won't, but they're shipping that too. And I have one of those and it's pretty dope.

Jodie Slaughter: Ooh. Okay. Okay. I'm going to get some. I'll let you know how it goes. I will.

Erica: Use our code so you can save some money.

Jodie Slaughter: I will. You have to tell ... is it, do you do I know what it is? You have to send it to me.

Erica: THETURNON10 is the code.

Jodie Slaughter: THETURNON10.

Kenrya: There you go.

Jodie Slaughter: Beautiful.

Erica: I literally sent a recommendation to someone this morning.

Jodie Slaughter: Oh, good.

Erica: They're like, "I knew you'd have something."

Kenrya: Yeah, no, it's actually really great product. I still have those bath salts I haven't used yet.

Erica: I haven't used the bath.

Jodie Slaughter: Oh yeah. Sexy bath.

Erica: I'm going ... I have a little tiny bathtub, but I'm going on a ... going away, and so I'll have a big bathtub-

Jodie Slaughter: A sneaky link?

Erica: Girl, I wish. I'm going to the Sex Down South conference.

Jodie Slaughter: Oh, where is that?
 
Erica: Atlanta.
 
Jodie Slaughter: Oh, of course. Literally, where else would it possibly be? Yeah.

Erica: Black freaks. It's still open in spite of everything.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, yeah. Atlanta.

Erica: Even with the CDC in their backyard, but that's neither here nor there.

Jodie Slaughter: The CDC will be there too. You think it won't be hell if CDC [inaudible 00:42:48].

Erica: You probably right. You probably right. Are there certain times of day that are best for you to have sex?

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. I like ... whatever it is about like 6:30, I got so much energy. It's like 6:30 PM.

Kenrya: Really?

Jodie Slaughter: Yes.

Kenrya: Bitch.

Jodie Slaughter: So much energy.

Kenrya: I had to take a nap. Y'all so we are doing this interview, we got on at 6:30, I had to take a nap. Okay, I have chronic fatigue, so if I don't take a nap, then I'm all fucked up. But like, yeah buddy, that nap, because otherwise y'all my eyes wouldn't even be open right now.

Jodie Slaughter: 6:30 is great for me.

Erica: That's your magic hour.

Jodie Slaughter: Especially because I'm also one of those people who's like, "Okay. The logistics of like having sex at like 10:00 PM Are like, "Okay, cute." Right. But then I don't want to shower at 11.

Erica: Yeah. I got to wash my face. I got to brush my teeth.

Jodie Slaughter: I have to wash my face. Yes.

Erica: I got to do my hair. You know, put my hair up.

Jodie Slaughter: You've got all that stuff. It's just too much. It's too much. 6:30 is beautiful. Middle-

Kenrya: If the world were open and you were going on a date, are you like a, "Let's have sex before we go to dinner," kind of person?

Jodie Slaughter: Yes. Always. I'm a let's have sex before we cook dinner, let's have sex before we order dinner. Yes. Yes. G.

Erica: Let's get this out the way.

Jodie Slaughter: It's literally the most perfect ... it's like sex followed by food.

Kenrya: Yes. Yeah. I'm really fond of ordering dinner and then having sex, and then being able to go get the food from [inaudible 00:44:33]

Jodie Slaughter: Right. When it's ... Yes. Yes. Let's talk about contactless delivery.

Erica: Yeah, it's like, "Leave it on the porch, honey. I come get it when I get it."

Jodie Slaughter: Exactly.

Kenrya: That shit might be cold, but it's okay. I got an air fryer.

Jodie Slaughter: Period. Same.

Erica: How long does a session typically last?

Jodie Slaughter: Masturbating or partnered sex?

Erica: Like partnered sex.

Jodie Slaughter: Ooh, I don't know. I guess that like kind of depends. It also, like when I'm with ... if I'm having sex with women, it tends to ... I was going to say meander, but that sounds like monotony, and that's not what I mean. Just, it tends to last a little longer, just because like ... I don't know.

Erica: You're able to-

Jodie Slaughter: Bitches are horny. Like that's, you know?

Erica: Yeah.

Jodie Slaughter: I mean, fully, men are less horny. If I'm with like a dude, I think a good like 35 minutes is fine. You know?

Kenrya: You're like that's [inaudible 00:45:48].

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. No, no, no, no. I mean, not unless, like if I'm really keyed up, you know what I mean? Like not, well I think that means something that maybe I didn't mean to, for it to mean. If I'm just like kind of wired. You know what I mean? And honestly, sometimes maybe if I'm like quite anxious or if I'm ... Like if we've had a wild night out, I'm actually not one of those drunk people who falls asleep right then. Like I probably can go for like an hour, hour and a half. Like that type of thing. Because I don't get like blackout, I get like to the point where I'm like, "This is fun," and then I stop.

Jodie Slaughter: So I do guess it kind of depends, but my general preference is like a good 35 minutes.

Erica: Okay. Where do you typically do it?

Jodie Slaughter: Oh, here at my place. Not in the bed because I don't ... I mean yes, in the bed, but I'm not trying to wash the sheets constantly and like I am a millennial, so I only have two changes of sheets. So I mean, it's like sheets are expensive and I have my favorite two pairs, so I just cycle back and forth.

Erica: Listen, I have my favorite one pair.

Kenrya: [cross talk 00:47:13] we're ... Right. I'm like we're ... what do they call us? Geriatric millennial.

Erica: Yeah. Geriatric millennial.

Jodie Slaughter: That's fucked up.

Kenrya: It is fucked up. Because we were born in '81, so we're right there. And I literally, I have probably five sets of sheets, but I have two favorites, and I just [inaudible 00:47:32]

Erica: I have like three ... no, I have three sets, one favorite, and most of the time, it's is the favorite that get like the wear.

Jodie Slaughter: Just the rewash.

Erica: Wash them and put them back on or whatever.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Fully. I like the couch. I have a big couch. I like the floor.

Erica: Them good young knees.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. That's true.

Erica: I literally, when you said the floor, I was like, "Oh, my knees."

Kenrya: I want to say it's been a while since I tried the floor and it definitely hurt.

Erica: I literally started like popping my knees, like, "Ooh, girl." I was doing ankle rotations and shit.

Jodie Slaughter: I'm screaming.

Kenrya: This what you got to look forward to, and it doesn't mean it's not [inaudible 00:48:16], it just means you got to know your limitations.

Erica: Put a pillow down. Just put a pillow down.

Jodie Slaughter: Put a pillow down. Well, I still do that. Girl.

Erica: Girl. But we can't, even with that, we can't ... [inaudible 00:48:27]

Jodie Slaughter: On the bed, but with like a blanket that I'll use on top. Yeah. Also, I mean, if you've read any of my books, you'd know fucking in cars is my thing.

Kenrya: On cars.

Jodie Slaughter: In cars. It's whenever I can make it happen. And also, whenever I can make it happen at a place that is not my place. Yes, please. You know what I mean?

Kenrya: I love it.

Jodie Slaughter: Preferably, where do you want to have sex? Preferably yours.

Erica: Right? And then I'll go home on my and sleep on my clean sheets.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. And you don't want a bunch of niggas in your house anyway.

Kenrya: Yes. Keep that energy.

Erica: I was just about to say, I don't need that energy being [inaudible 00:49:19]

Kenrya: So, okay, we ask this question, and I think sometimes people think it's obvious, but then you think about it. So the question is: what's your favorite part of having sex?

Jodie Slaughter: Oh. The anticipation of ... okay. Well, actually, wait. You see how much of a-

Kenrya: Some of us be like...

Jodie Slaughter: ... how much of a hoe I am, that I wasn't even thinking about what it might mean to like have a partner who you have sex with like-

Erica: No, I see it all the time. And I always say, "new dick."

Kenrya: That could be the best part.

Jodie Slaughter: Okay. The anticipation of like being with someone new, even if it's not necessarily for the first time, but like the ... I don't know, there can be like a playfulness and like learning, and that is kind of my favorite. It's like, "Oh my God. Everything's just like, you're brand new."

Erica: What's this [inaudible 00:50:27].

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah, yeah. Yes. That's, that's my favorite part, to me. That's how much of a hoe I am, because I literally ... It didn't even occur to me that it might mean-

Erica: With the same with the partner.

Jodie Slaughter: With a partner you love deeply and who you have beautiful sex with. And I'm just like, "Nope."

Kenrya: I think a lot of folks are like, "Coming." And I'm like, "Okay, but there could be great parts too, right?

Jodie Slaughter: Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and obviously, I like learning how new/different people talk dirty to me. Or like being talked to. That's also a good one for me.

Kenrya: Yeah. That's what's up. Okay. What's the most frustrating part?

Jodie Slaughter: Oh God. Like figuring out how it all fits and works, and when your bodies are different. Do you know what I mean? I feel like that's not such a ... it's not a part you think about a ton, or at least I didn't think about a ton. But it's like, "Okay, both of us are chubby. How are we going to ... okay, we're going to have sex on this couch. All right, how are we going to make this work?”

Jodie Slaughter: And then there's also like, I don't know ... when reality happens and motherfuckers get tired in the middle of the shit, and you're like, "Okay, so how, how do we end this correctly?"

Jodie Slaughter: Like that, getting tired, I mean, I see all those memes on Twitter where dudes are like, "When you tell her to get on top," and everybody's like, "Ah," and I'm like, "But yeah, though."

Erica: I don't want to. That's why I like it on the side because everybody gets to rest. Everybody gets to rest.

Kenrya: See, I like to be on top. And my partner just recently was like, "So how are we going to do this when you turn 70?" He said, "Because-

Jodie Slaughter: You are not-

Kenrya: He was like, "Because you are not going to get your ass up here." He was like, "Your knees is already popping." I was like, "Nigga, this is my favorite. We will figure it out.

Jodie Slaughter: They have little chairs.

Kenrya: And we looked at those months ago. It's like a little thing that you sit on top. You know what it looks like? It looks like the suitcase rack that you get to see in a hotel.

Jodie Slaughter: No. No.

Kenrya: And it's got a space.

Jodie Slaughter: No.

Kenrya: And you sit on there. And then you can bounce.

Jodie Slaughter: Imagine. Okay. I'm trying to imagine like ... Oh God. Lord, forgive me. I'm trying to imagine, which I never like to imagine, but like my mother's homegoing and you go through her shit, and finding like, "Oh wow, this is granny's ring." You find her fuck chair and you're like, "Fuck." What do you do with it? Who gets the fuck chair? Do we donate it?

Kenrya: You pass that shit down like an heirloom.

Jodie Slaughter: Do we donate it?

Erica: Her spirit is in this.

Kenrya: I fully intend to still be riding it when I'm 70, so whatever it takes.

Jodie Slaughter: I like riding it like reverse cowgirl, where I can like do something.

Erica: [inaudible 00:53:56] the same person.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Otherwise, no thanks.

Erica: Yeah, he don't need a show. Like you want to look at my booty anyway.

Jodie Slaughter: Literally. Otherwise, pillow prince me, pillow princess me.

Erica: Let me lay down. We can both relax.

Jodie Slaughter: And, see, and that's fair. Right? because like, I think Kenrya is like, "I like the control."

Kenrya: I do.

Jodie Slaughter: That's the opposite of what I'm into, in a sexual situation. So I'm very much about like, "No, take it." You know what I mean? And not that you can't from on top, but you know ...

Kenrya: That happens later. See, I get mine.

Jodie Slaughter: Okay, but do you also like, "I'll ride it for like two minutes and then-

Kenrya: So here's the thing. Especially if it's been like a few days, I literally, I'll get up there and I'll be like, I'm going to be a fuckboy." And he'll be like, "All right." So me being a fuckboy means I come in like three minutes.

Jodie Slaughter: Period.

Kenrya: Yeah.

Erica: Wait, I'm sorry. That's being a fuckboy?

Kenrya: That's what we call it, is me being a fuckboy. It's when I can't last, and when I just, I come, and then-

Erica: Oh, honey. I'm a fuckboy nonstop.

Kenrya: And then we get to switch.

Jodie Slaughter: I call that, "I'm about to use it."

Kenrya: Yeah. Yeah, that's essentially what it is.

Jodie Slaughter: I'm using you.

Kenrya: And then we switch positions, and then he can get his, and I'll go get mine again, because that's just how I do.

Jodie Slaughter: Period.

Kenrya: But like, yeah. So I like it because it works. I know exactly what to do, he knows exactly what to do.

Jodie Slaughter: She said, "We're efficient.

Kenrya: Yes.

Jodie Slaughter: This is good old fashioned ...

Kenrya: And the whole thing may end up being 40 minutes, 50 minutes, however long, but I get mine. And then, because I come multiple times ... thank you, Lord ... that's just the beginning. It's like once you break that-

Jodie Slaughter: The seal.

Kenrya: The seal. Yeah. So you break the seal in the most efficient way and then I'm good.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kenrya: You want to keep going is fine, because I'm going to come again.

Jodie Slaughter: The thing is I have like two in me, per session, maybe. And I'm actually normally okay with one. Now, just because I might not come when you go down on me doesn't mean I don't want you to do it. And that doesn't mean I can't, but I'm normally like edging myself type thing. Because I want to come during the intercourse.

Jodie Slaughter: But I'm normally like one is like, "Yeah, great." And then like an hour later, I might, but I really can't ... my body is just like, will not let me have more than two.

Kenrya: I have hit-

Jodie Slaughter: Sad. Devastating.

Kenrya: Well, first of all, there's a lot of folks who can't come at all.

Jodie Slaughter: That's true. Yeah.

Kenrya: So I thank God for orgasm period. I think my record is four or five. that doesn't happen often, two or three is more usual. Yeah, and that's gotten increasing, that's increased as I've gotten older and been with partners who I was more in tune with, and got more in tune with my body, and introduced toys and positions, and things like that, that I know are great for me. So yeah.

Jodie Slaughter: No, that's [inaudible 00:57:11].

Kenrya: That's pretty fucking dope.

Jodie Slaughter: I think I've also done maybe four or five in a day, but I was also like fully by myself. I know, I remember exactly that day, and I don't know why I was so horny, but I was just masturbating. And also, probably a total of 30 minutes throughout the day, knowing me because this was pre-Prozac.

Kenrya: [inaudible 00:57:31]

Jodie Slaughter: Yes. Taking the bitches the off. Yes.

Erica: Do you ever have trouble turning off the day, turning off your day and just focusing on bodily pleasure?

Jodie Slaughter: Oh absolutely. Absolutely. Like I wouldn't say more times than not, but I'd say like a good 40% of the time I've had trouble turning off the day, relaxing enough to like let myself feel pleasure.

Kenrya: Anxiety's a funky bitch.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Yes. And like even when you're not actively anxious in that moment, you're still, you're so tense. Like you're just constantly so tense that it can make it hell. Like, I definitely have had moments like with people where I've been like, "Well I'm definitely horny and let's try," and then I've had to be like, "Okay, well I'm going to just have to suck your dick because, and I would like to do that because I want to ... but this just I'm it's just not going to happen for me." So yeah.

Kenrya: Yeah. I've had that happen.

Jodie Slaughter: Oh yeah.

Kenrya: Yeah. Where we got into and I was like, "You know what? I actually-“

Jodie Slaughter: Don't. I can't, I'm not into it. No. Yeah. Yeah, and you're like, "And I want you to feel good. So here or you know." Or it's like, "Well I'll just watch you jerk off." Which I learned that-

Kenrya: Whatever works.

Jodie Slaughter: Yes, it does. Learned that from that [inaudible 00; 00:59:10]

Kenrya: And then sometimes, I know for me, once I say that and then I'm like, "Oh, let me just suck your dick," sometimes then that gets me like further into it.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Yeah.

Kenrya: Just like switching it up and taking the focus and the pressure off of my own pleasure and putting it on my partner's pleasure.

Jodie Slaughter: Putting it on someone else's, yeah.

Kenrya: Ends up making me be like, "Oh, okay. Now we can."

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fully.

Kenrya: Yeah. That's real shit. If you could change anything about your sex life by just like snapping your fingers, what would you change?

Jodie Slaughter: Okay. So if I could change anything about my sex life, and I'm going to choose right now, because I don't have a ton of regrets about ... I mean, yeah, about the past. I mean, you do, but like, you know what I mean? It's like, "Yeah, it all got me to here," or whatever bullshit.

Jodie Slaughter: I think it would be, I'd have more of one than I do right now. My sex life is sort of nonexistent right now, but it's like sort of the combination of like obviously being in a pandemic and like being a little terrified. And I'm one of those people who works better in person. Online or like apps have never worked for me when it comes to like actually getting sex.

Kenrya: I saw you tweeting about your misadventures.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. It's just like, it's so much easier for me to be turned off very easily. And on an app setting, just because I think there's very little context and I can't like look into someone's eyes, look at someone's face, and really get a gauge on where they're at. And it makes it really difficult for me.

Jodie Slaughter: And also I'm very funny and witty an-

Kenrya: Yeah, you are.

Jodie Slaughter: I am also like that via text and other people are not. And so I'm like, "You're boring. You're boring." Even though I know that like if I met them in person, it might be completely different. So I prefer meeting people in person. That's obviously been harder.

Jodie Slaughter: And then also, I've been in a very like mushy, I want to be in love mood recently. And I'd change that because it's making me want to have less casual sex. And I'd change that because I don't want that. I want that to go away.

Erica: Yeah. There are certain songs, like there's this one song that I hear and I'm like, "I can't, I'm not in the space."

Jodie Slaughter: I write romance!

Erica: I'm going to make a bad, I'm going to make a poor decision. Like I don't need that.

Jodie Slaughter: Look, because-

Kenrya: What's the song?

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. What song?

Erica: It's so old, but "Best Part" is it-

Jodie Slaughter: It's oh, by H.E.R.?

Kenrya: Oh, H.E.R. Yeah.

Erica: Is it Daniel?

Jodie Slaughter: Daniel Caesar.

Erica: Yeah. And Daniel Caesar's ass. Yeah. It's a good song.

Kenrya: It's just like I don't fuck with him.

Jodie Slaughter: Who does? Fuck him.

Erica: I know, but the song just feels like-

Kenrya: He fumbled all of that. The song is beautiful.

Jodie Slaughter: Gorgeous.

Erica: Saturday morning, rolling over and having sex with your partner that you've been with forever.

Jodie Slaughter: Oh I know.

Erica: So when I listen to ... yeah, I can't listen to it because I'm going to make a shitty decision.

Jodie Slaughter: I know. And it's nothing to hop into a relationship with somebody trash. Trash people are always ready to hop into a relationship.

Kenrya: This is fucking true. Yeah.

Jodie Slaughter: It's nothing. It's nothing.

Kenrya: Nothing. Damn. Yeah. They are fucking plentiful and ready to go.

Jodie Slaughter: Yes. And then you waste a year of your life.

Kenrya: If you lucky.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Right. Well right. If you're lucky. So it sucks. I write fucking romance novels.

Kenrya: And how do you get away from the-

Jodie Slaughter: I have to constantly ... I know. And I mean, it's like, granted, I do know that I'm half playing when I'm like, "I don't want it." Truthfully, it is what I want. I'm getting to a place in my mental health, my age, where I'm realizing that I guess I probably do want to settle down. It doesn't necessarily have to be a marriage, but like ... and also, I'm boringly monogamous. In most ... like I'm cool with like threesomes and sex clubs, and stuff like that. But when it comes to full out polyamory, I think I just don't have the emotional bandwidth, nor the level of involvement that it takes.

Kenrya: Same.

Jodie Slaughter: For that.

Erica: We the same people.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. So-

Erica: Like, I mean, I'm fine sharing you while we fucking, but like I don't need no emotional shit.

Jodie Slaughter: No, no, no, no, no. And I'm a Leo, I'm very much like, "Okay, well what's mine is mine." And of course I, you know, of course it's not like a healthy way to view a partner. Like you can, whatever, but-

Kenrya: Whatever, I'm an Aries and I feel the same.

Jodie Slaughter: What's mine is mine.

Kenrya: And I'm always ready to fight. So what are we doing?

Jodie Slaughter: Exactly. What? And I got plenty of Aries friends. My mother is an Aries, ready to fight for me.

Kenrya: So you know we always ready to fight.

Jodie Slaughter: Yes. Constantly.

Kenrya: On your behalf.

Jodie Slaughter: Constantly.

Kenrya: Who we fighting? Where we going?

Jodie Slaughter: And you just be like, "Hey, calm down." We can't go to a bar. We can't go to nut without y'all being like, "Did she ... Y'all looking at somebody crazy."

Erica: Did that bitch just disrespect you?

Jodie Slaughter: "Did she cut her eyes at me?" And you're like, "She was probably looking for her friend across the room." okay. “Really? Bitches can't say excuse me?"

Erica: There is a reason that we call Kenrya Killa Ken. We call her Killa Ken for a reason.

Kenrya: Oh my God.

Jodie Slaughter: Oh my God, that's my whole life.

Erica: She get more mad, like I don't even have to get mad because this bitch [inaudible 01:05:29]

Jodie Slaughter: I know, you won't. [inaudible 01:05:30] is like, "Let's just dance. Who cares?"

Kenrya: I was in this text group with some of my friends and I sent a, ... I like posted a tweet that somebody posted about like meals, right? Like some shit that we was thinking about, like some different stuff to cook at home. And my homegirl was like, "That's my enemy. I'm not reading that."

Jodie Slaughter: Oh God.

Kenrya: And I was like, "All right, fuck her."

Jodie Slaughter: Fuck that bitch.

Kenrya: And she was like, "I love that you didn't ask why, you were just like, 'Fuck her.'" I was like-

Jodie Slaughter: I mean, y'all are 10 toes down.

Erica: 10 toes down.

Jodie Slaughter: 10 toes down

Erica: 20, including mine. Wait, I didn't know. Okay, all right. That's cool. Yeah. No, she-

Kenrya: It's fine.

Erica: I love it though. I mean, it's a perfect best friend, and probably mother to have, right? Like, yeah.

Jodie Slaughter: Oh yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fully. Because most of my other friends and my sister are Leos. My other sister is also an Aries though.

Kenrya: Oh, wow. Y'all just carry out this bitch.

Jodie Slaughter: Anyway.

Erica: Okay. So what's a, what is a sex best practice that you want to share?

Jodie Slaughter: Ooh. Oh, communication. Do you know what I mean? Like, I feel like there's this, I don't know, this idea that we should all just like intrinsically, know what we want and what our partners want. And I think people find it sometimes like less sexy to just ... And not even through dirty talk, but to just sit down and be like, "Hey, so what are you into?" And I'm like, you can do that over drinks or a cup of coffee, or the phone, or whatever. And obviously, of course you can do it via dirty talk too, but I think it's a really ... like communicating what it is you want and need out of the experience and then learning what the person or people you're sleeping with also want and need out of the experience is like, to me, like sort of getting on the right side of it.

Kenrya: Yeah. Agreed. Agreed.

Jodie Slaughter: Does that all answer the question?

Kenrya: Yeah.

Erica: Yeah, you did. That was great.

Jodie Slaughter: Oh my God, okay.

Kenrya: So our next question is, do you have any must use tools, but you just said you don't really do all that.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. So I have ... I'm trying to think. Yeah, no, to be honest.

Erica: Okay.

Jodie Slaughter: I got to keep my fingers nimble. Hopefully I don't break my hands. No, I have to ... now, actually that's not true. Get a butt plug.

Erica: Yes.

Kenrya: Oh yeah.

Jodie Slaughter: That'll do it.

Kenrya: Yeah.

Jodie Slaughter: That'll do it.

Kenrya: And they're good for self-pleasure.

Jodie Slaughter: Very much. That'll do it. So yeah, that.

Erica: So I think I know the answer to this, but would you rather give up partnered sex or masturbation?

Jodie Slaughter: See, that's really hard because it's like, one, it's like nobody knows how to fuck me, like me. Nobody's been fucking me as long as I've been fucking me.

Erica: That is a quote.

Jodie Slaughter: But I don't know, there's something really special to like being with somebody else. Y'all, wait, this is the hardest question of a bunch.

Erica: Like having to choose between the two children.

Jodie Slaughter: I would say partner sex. Give up. I can't imagine a world in which like, because I've never been known for like making ... well, why are you being weird to me? I've never been known for like truly losing myself over sex. Like, you may send some angry texts and yelling into somebody's voicemail over a dick and shit like that, but I have never like blown my life or somebody else's life up over sex. I think because I've always been like ... it's always been, for me like, "Well, I can give myself orgasms and they're still really great." And I recognize that this isn't a thing I need to breathe.

Kenrya: Yeah.

Jodie Slaughter: Do you know what I mean? And so I'm like, "This is not ever going to be worth like blowing all my shit up. And so I guess, if it comes down to brass tacks, I'd give up having sex with other people, but just know that I would be crying all the time, and I would be very sad, but I guess that's the one I'd choose.

Erica: Okay.

Kenrya: We don't want you to be crying all the time.

Jodie Slaughter: Exactly.

Kenrya: That'd be sad.

Erica: Don't make me give either up.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah, please.

Kenrya: What are you reading right now?

Jodie Slaughter: Oh. Okay. Right now, I actually prepared two books. One of them is “A Taste of Her Own Medicine” by Tasha L Harrison. It is in ... I try really hard not to like spoil, but it's like an older woman, younger man, Black romance. And Tasha-

Kenrya: Yeah, we did that one on the show. First season, second season?

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Oh yeah. I think you did. Yes. Anyway, so y'all know-

Kenrya: She was the one who got divorced and she was going to the business development thing.

Jodie Slaughter: They fucked in the car.

Kenrya: Yes.

Jodie Slaughter: Tasha writes fucking that is so delicious. If I could like eat it.

Kenrya: Oh God, that scene.

Erica: Yeah. No, I ... yeah, that was a great scene. That was a great scene.

Jodie Slaughter: Yes. And the next book is one that I haven't started yet, but I'm still reccing it because I have all faith and it is “Shots Not Taken” by Nicole Falls, which is a-

Erica: Oh, she's always great.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Yes. And that's why, right? I'm not a sports romance person, but I have to ... I'm constantly finding myself having to like bite my tongue when it comes to me being like, "Oh, in romance, in books, I'm not into this," because there's always one to 35 authors who will write something that's going to blow that shit completely away. And I think Tasha's going to do this.

Jodie Slaughter: It's like a professional basketball player, and she has this entire series called Nymphs and Trojans, that are about like a NBA, and then WNBA type ... you know. And if you know, Tasha is very into women's basketball.

Erica: Yeah. We read the one-

Kenrya: “Fuck and Fall in Love.”

Jodie Slaughter: Oh yes.” Fuck and Fall in Love.” Yeah, so those are the two that I am recommending, and reading. Yes.

Kenrya: What do you hope that people will learn from this journey through your sex life?

Jodie Slaughter: Oh God. I think people will learn that ... I think your journey with sex never ends. Like sort of the same way that like your mental health journey never ends. You're always, I think, learning new things about yourself. You're always having new experiences. You're ever changing and that's kind of always changing how you have and approach sex. And I think, I'm not sure that it was like totally apparent that the way I approached sex now is any different from how I did when I was 13. But I mean, it's certainly very informed by my past, but also, very much informed by what's happening now and what I want for the future. So I think just like don't let your ideas of what your sex life is or should be stagnate.

Kenrya: What did you learn from going through your sex life through this process?

Jodie Slaughter: God, I learned that, one, I need to think about my sexual history more. Like just in terms of like taking stock of it. When I was going through these questions, I realized there were a lot of things that I hadn't thought about in a long time. Like the phone sex thing was something that I hadn't repressed, but that I ... you kind of just like forget or, you know what I mean? Certain things, if you're not constantly thinking about them, and I'd never fully examined how big of an impact those sexual actions literally have on the things I'm interested in now. And I think that makes sense. I think so much of what we're interested in sexually harkens back to like what was happening when we were first discovering sex.

Jodie Slaughter: So yeah, I think I ... also, I learned that I was a little precocious little freak, and that's funny to me. Yeah. That's hilarious.

Kenrya: So what is turning you on today, Jodie?

Jodie Slaughter: Oh God. What's turning me on? The thought of kissing someone. Also, I've been reading a lot of ... I also Tweeted about this, I'm not sure if you saw, but I've been reading a lot of like Killmonger smut on Tumblr. And that's really been turning me on. That's been like what I've been ... because that's what I tend to masturbate to, like smutty fan fiction, erotic novels, sex stories, stuff like that. Porn doesn't tend to do it for me.

Kenrya: Yeah. It does it for me less than this, which is how we ended up with this show.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. So yeah. Reading about Michael B Jordan, like, I mean sad, boo, hiss, and I know, as Eric Killmonger Stevens, fucking motherfuckers is turning me on today.

Erica: I love it. I'm here for it.

Jodie Slaughter: Because of course it's like the nerdiest shit ever. That's like-

Kenrya: And what's wrong with that?

Jodie Slaughter: I think nothing, but it's just like-

Erica: I was about to say like, it might be, but it's still hot.

Jodie Slaughter: I'm like, "Girl, you have haven't changed. You're still masturbating to fan fiction.” Like literal, like no change.

Kenrya: So?

Erica: You know what works. You know what works.

Kenrya: Are you enjoying yourself?

Jodie Slaughter: Very much so.

Kenrya: Well then that's what fucking matters.

Jodie Slaughter: That's true. Y'all are right. The older sisters, y'all are right.

Kenrya: Hell, enjoy yourself.

Jodie Slaughter: I was so open, y'all.

Kenrya: You were. I'm really proud of you. This is not an easy thing to do. And I don't-

Jodie Slaughter: No.

Kenrya: I don't think I realized how hard it was until like when Erica and I did ours, we was like, "Oh."

Erica: Oh, we really talking about this.

Kenrya: Yeah. These sessions are hard.

Jodie Slaughter: It was like when that first question was talking about like masturbating at like 11, I was like, "Oh wow, because you're immediately transported back to whatever head space, it was like this isn't about sex, but it's not, not about sex.

Erica: It's about pleasure. It's just a little girl-

Kenrya: You're discovering your body.

Erica: That wants to feel good.

Jodie Slaughter: Yes.

Kenrya: Yeah.

Jodie Slaughter: And I also, ... you're confronted with like, because I didn't know the word “masturbate,” but I definitely like-

Kenrya: This feels good.

Jodie Slaughter: Felt shame. It felt good, but I definitely felt shame. And I was also like, I remember when I got my period and it was like, "You can get pregnant now." And I was like, "Can you get pregnant from masturbating?" But I kept doing it.

Kenrya: That's the risk I'm willing to take.

Jodie Slaughter: Literally. I was like, "Well, I guess we'll see."

Erica: [inaudible 01:18:14].

Jodie Slaughter: No, truly. Truly.

Erica: However, there would be a lot less children and people in the world, if you could only have babies when you had orgasms.

Jodie Slaughter: There'd be like eight people in the world.

Erica: Like damn.

Jodie Slaughter: I don't even want to think ... anyway, my God. Our poor, poor mothers. No, honestly, they were fucking too.

Kenrya: Yes. Are you kidding me?

Erica: My mama was, definitely.

Jodie Slaughter: Oh absolutely. Oh, my mom ... anyway.

Kenrya: My dad is the youngest of 15 children.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. My granny was one of 10. Yeah.

Kenrya: There was lots of fucking.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Kenrya: And that's lovely.

Jodie Slaughter: Absolutely.

Kenrya: It don't bother me none to think about. I'm just like, I mean, that's why we're here. That's how we got here. And hopefully, like of all the stuff that I know that they went through, that was shitty, my hope is that-

Jodie Slaughter: That you got pleasure.

Kenrya: Yes.

Jodie Slaughter: Yes.

Kenrya: That it wasn't a like, “Mister died on top of me” situation.

Jodie Slaughter: Oh my God.

Kenrya: Just that they enjoy [inaudible 01:19:36]

Jodie Slaughter: “How did he die?”

Erica: “On top of me.”

Jodie Slaughter: No, I'm sorry. That was the Blackest thing that's ever happened.

Erica: Because we can all just pick it up.

Kenrya: Wow. That's so funny. We were just talking about, I need to rewatch that, it's been so very long.

Jodie Slaughter: You're going to have to prepare yourself emotionally for that.

Kenrya: And I haven't watched it like as a grown-grown person.

Erica: I watch it and read it every year. I don't even think-

Jodie Slaughter: My mother does too. My mother does too.

Kenrya: I've read it as a grown-grown person, but I don't think I've watched it as a grown-grown person. Yeah, I think I'm going to do that this weekend.

Jodie Slaughter: I've never read it, which is like biggest secret shame. But I'm also like ... well, because I ... well, I feel ashamed. I'm like, "I should have read ‘The Color Purple.’" But also I need to ... I have these interesting thoughts about the movie and about Celie and Shug, and ...

Kenrya: Oh, you should really read it.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. And I know that, in the book, I mean, because I know that Alice Walker is queer, and I know that in the book, obviously there are so many more nuances that exist in a movie.

Erica: I read the book annually because of that. I feel like it shows-

Kenrya: The relationship is just-

Erica: Beauty of Black ... of relationships between Black women. How it can not only be sexual, but platonic.

Jodie Slaughter: But like that of a mother or a sister. Yes.

Erica: It shows the richness of our relationships and I that's why I love it.

Kenrya: [inaudible 01:21:22].

Erica: And it's on audio books, so if you ... it was one of those like just, I think it might even be free, to be quite honest. I don't think it's free, but yeah.

Kenrya: Yeah. I mean it probably is in the Libby app or, I mean-

Jodie Slaughter: Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kenrya: That's where I check out all my books.

Erica: Yeah. It's an audio book, listen to it. You'll ... yeah.

Kenrya: Yeah. Don't be ashamed, just enjoy it. And then tell us what you think.

Jodie Slaughter: I will. I also have to tell you what I think about the suppositories. Because I'm going to try them. The suppositories.

Kenrya: Oh yes. Okay.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%.

Kenrya: Excited for that, for you, because they're dope. Yeah.

Jodie Slaughter: I'm so excited.

Kenrya: And I think, more than that, I'm really proud of you for being vulnerable and talking to us about all of this stuff. I feel like I know I didn't get vulnerable enough to have this kind of a conversation until the last few years, and you in your twenties, girl, and you just did it.

Jodie Slaughter: Thank you. Well, I mean, it's also like obviously you all created this space where that's possible for me to do so, and feel comfortable. Not even talking about ... I've been forced to be very vulnerable this past year, so I've gotten used to just like, "I'm raw, here, take everything that's inside." But y'all have created a ... I've never, I don't think, had a discussion this frank on a podcast before. This is like the type of discussion that ... and that if I was like recording with someone, we'd end, and then if I was close to them or we were having a conversation, then ...

Kenrya: You would talk about that stuff.

Jodie Slaughter: We'd talk about that stuff. Yeah. But yeah, I think it was like a really great exercise in being vulnerable. So thank you for giving me the space to do that.

Kenrya: Oh, yay. I'm so glad that we've been able to make that happen. And thank you for saying yes.

Jodie Slaughter: Always. Literally, always. Any fucking time.

Kenrya: And you going to regret that you said that.

Jodie Slaughter: No, I won't. I won't. No, this is literally like chatting with the gals. Like I won't.

Erica: No, I totally feel like we just kind of ... we all [inaudible 01:23:38]

Kenrya: Take right back up.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah. Literally. We literally smoked before.

Erica: Right.

Jodie Slaughter: Yeah.

Kenrya: Those are the secrets. Well, thank you for joining us.

Jodie Slaughter: Yes. Thank you for having me.

Kenrya: Thank you. Yes. And thank you to all of y'all for listening. I'm not even going to say that I hope you enjoyed it because I know that you did.

Jodie Slaughter: You better have.

Kenrya: Exactly. We'll be back next week. Y'all take care.

[theme music]
 
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Hit subscribe right now in your favorite podcast app and at YouTube.com/TheTurnOnPodcast, so you'll never miss an episode.
 
Erica: Then follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. And you can find links to books, transcripts, guest info, what's turning us on, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com.
 
Kenrya: And don't forget to email us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com with your book recommendations and your pressing sex-and related questions.
 
Erica: And you can support the show by leaving us a five-star review, buying some merch or becoming a patron of the show. Just head to TheTurnOnPodcast.com to make that happen.
 
Kenrya: Thanks for listening and we'll see you soon. Holla.