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On Episode 5.5 of The Turn On, we interview Mistress Envy, author of "Erotic Confessions of the Mildly Perverse: A Collection of Short Stories."
The Turn On participates in affiliate programs, which provide a small commission when you purchase products via links on this site. This costs you nothing, but helps support the show. Click here for more information.
Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Kenrya: Today, we're hype to talk to Mistress Envy, who wrote and self-published “Erotic Confessions of the Mildly Perverse,” a collection of short stories back in 2018. Hey, Mistress Envy.
Mistress Envy: Hey, hey, hey.
Kenrya: Hey, we're glad you're here. But first off, what are your preferred pronouns?
Mistress Envy: She, her, is fine.
Kenrya: Awesome. Thank you. Can you tell us what you do in one sentence?
Mistress Envy: I make love to your mind with my naughty stories.
Kenrya: I love that there's love and there's naughtiness. It's a nice balance.
Mistress Envy: There you go, yay.
Kenrya: That's awesome. So have you always been a writer or was this a new venture for you?
Mistress Envy: I always wrote things here and there. When I was younger, like in high school, I would write poems or little short stories, but the whole erotica came about because I was in a relationship, a sexless relationship, so that that was my outlet when I tried it.
Kenrya: That sounds like a tragedy.
Mistress Envy: It was horrible.
Kenrya: Why was it sexless? See, I'm about to get all in your business. You just didn't want it?
Mistress Envy: Oh no, it was never my... Oh, no, it's never my fault, because I feel like I probably want it too much. I want it all the time, every day. There's not a time when I don't want to. He wasn’t down for the get down. He would say things like, "Something wrong with you, you want to do it too much." I was, "What? This should be like every man's fantasy, let's get it." So, yeah that's how I started writing.
Kenrya: Oh, Lord, all right. I mean I guess you gotta find an outlet somewhere.
Mistress Envy: Yeah. It didn't last too much longer though after that though. It really didn't.
Erica: Well, I'm sad that that's the origin story of the book.
Mistress Envy: Don't be, don't be.
Erica: Your fans are very grateful that he sucked.
Mistress Envy: Well thank you.
Erica: Turning lemons into lemonade.
Mistress Envy: There you go.
Erica: Well obviously your name is not Mistress Envy. We know your mama didn't name you that.
Mistress Envy: Correct.
Erica: So, why did you choose to write under a pseudonym?
Mistress Envy: Because I feel like Mistress Envy and my government name are two separate people and you have a regular government nine to five. I didn't want too many people knowing where it was, maybe, you know, afraid for my employment so I could start writing books full time. So that's why I chose to go by Mistress Envy.
Kenrya: I know that's real. I mean not everyone has the same amount of respect for this work, which obviously we think is ridiculous because this is our work.
Mistress Envy: Right.
Kenrya: But I dig the practicalities of making sure you're okay.
Erica: So, as we talk about the work that we do, we learned by reading your bio that once upon a time you worked as an exotic dancer. What was the best thing about doing that work?
Mistress Envy: The money.
Erica: Hands down. No pause.
Mistress Envy: The money. It was always about the money, I guess. I don't know. For me that was always my motivation, the money. It was not glamorous, and all that. To me, it was to get in and get out. You know what I need.
Kenrya: Did you have any friends who danced who did it for other reasons or was that really the prevailing thing?
Mistress Envy: I knew some women who did it for other reasons. They were doing something strange for a piece of change. I feel like I lot of women that I encountered doing that type of work, some of them were about their money, but a lot of them was like into some other stuff.
Kenrya: Was it about power play?
Mistress Envy: I think it was a combination of the power, yes, but also the ones who would just... I've seen a woman get a man like stupid drunk so she could just constantly keep swiping his card or keep going in his wallet and I was like, "Wow. This life is not for me." I did it enough to get what I needed to get it and I was done.
Kenrya: Well, I think we all have our different thresholds, right?
Mistress Envy: Right.
Kenrya: Yeah. Yeah, and that was what worked for them. But that's interesting.
Kenrya: What would you say, we know what the best thing was, what was the most challenging thing about doing that work?
Mistress Envy: The misconception of, because you're a stripper, you're also a prostitute. You know, like you out here shaking it, then you definitely sucking and fucking. So no, in my situation, that's not what it was. That was the toughest thing about it.
Kenrya: How often, was it a frequent thing where men got out of out of pocket?
Mistress Envy: Oh, yes, all the time. All the time. They try you, you know what I mean? They've succeeded with other women. Why not try it?
Kenrya: It's just like, I mean to that point of they figure at least it'll work once. It's just like all the raggedy things that they try to say to women and hopes-
Kenrya: It only takes one.
Mistress Envy: Yup. That's all it takes.
Erica: When you were, and I don't want to, we're definitely gonna talk about your writing at some point...
Kenrya: But this is like a bridge.
Erica: When you were dancing, how did you set those boundaries of keeping yourself walled off from clients or people getting a little too personal or assuming things or feeling like because you do this they have access to you.
Mistress Envy: Yeah, sometimes you can tell before you even start the conversation of would you like a dance? You can kind of tell what a man is already on, how he's behaving when you're on the stage, or how he's been treating other dancers in the club. I would kinda be keen to that, like, "Oh, okay, I see what he about. I'm not in the mood for that, like no, there's no time." But then you get the ones who are overly aggressive, and if that happens, like get your hands off of me, you to have to go type stuff. But some men, when they are in that environment they don't take no for an answer.
Mistress Envy: Yeah. You just gotta be strong.
Kenrya: It sounds like you have to do a lot of advocating for yourself in those situations.
Mistress Envy: You do. Absolutely.
Erica: How did these experiences inform your writing?
Mistress Envy: Oh my goodness. I feel like a lot of my writing comes from a lot of things in around about way that I experienced in my life. So, that whole time doing that and dancing, it gave me more fuel for when I write sleazy characters in my story, or nasty things I've seen or witnessed. That adds the spice, the finishing touches to my story.
Erica: Helps color in some of those details.
Mistress Envy: Yeah. Uh huh.
Kenrya: So speaking of your stories, in this book you've got six stories and they run the gamut from chicks who have pep talks with they pussies, to women who are stepping out with the young jawn across the street. How did you settle on this particular mix of stories?
Mistress Envy: Oh it was really tough. It was so tough because I wrote quite a few. I would read little snippets to my friends to say, "Which one did you really like and be honest?” But still, I'm artist and I'm sensitive about my shit. What would you really want to want to see or hear and it was overwhelming. I didn't have a choice. I had to put ‘Young Thing’ in there or several people were going to be mad. For me that's not even my favorite story. But okay.
Erica: That was what hooked me. I was like, Oh, really. All right.
Kenrya: Alright, so which one is your favorite?
Mistress Envy: Oh my God, “The Anniversary.”
Kenrya: Ooh. Oh. I don't know if y'all have read this yet, but we didn't do that one. It's the one that closes out the book right? Is that the last one?
Mistress Envy: Oh, the last one is “My Sister's Husband.”
Kenrya: Oh, oh. Yeah. Y'all need to get--
Mistress Envy: I love it.
Erica: In our full episode, we read two short stories. First one we read is “The Tease,” and that story, just so we can set the scene, we meet a woman who is having trouble telling her body what to do when her little friend denies her sex. So have you ever been in a situation where your mind is saying one thing and your pussy’s like “No, bitch. I'm ignoring you."
Mistress Envy: Yes. I used to be like a fuckboy magnet, you know he wouldn't shoot, but the dick would be amazing. My vagina was telling me all the time, "I don't care he don't have no job, a place to stay. His dick is amazing." So yeah.
Kenrya: He can stay in this pussy.
Mistress Envy: Right. That's what I'm saying. Why does he need to sleep? I've got a bed for him. Totally, totally been in that situation.
Kenrya: So, in “The Train,” we had a whole another situation. We have a woman who was fantasizing about her coworker, and then she uses her hand and get off at work. Are you a fan of the hand or do you have other favorite tools and toys for getting off?
Mistress Envy: See, I'm not a fan of the hand and I don't know, maybe something’s wrong with me. I can't get down on my hand. I literally have to have something battery operated or you plug into the wall to get me going. I'm just not a fan of the hand.
Kenrya: I'm not either. I mean I feel like it will be convenient if that worked well.
Mistress Envy: Right.
Kenrya: But, she just slid up on her desk and was like, eh!
Mistress Envy: Right.
Kenrya: Well for me, I have to get all my stuff out.
Mistress Envy: Exactly.
Kenrya: It's a right there, but it's still a thing that I have to pull out and do, but yeah, I'm a fan of tools too. What about you?
Erica: Well, I will tell you desperate times call for desperate measures. Personal story, I am not a... I too, desire in generally need a toy or some sort of extra help. But when you really riled up, all you got to do is touch it.
Kenrya: You make it happen.
Erica: I can make it happen, Captain.
Mistress Envy: Oh great. Hilarious.
Kenrya: Yeah, I'm not talented.
Mistress Envy: Me either.
Kenrya: I mean, I probably need to practice. I mean we were legit on the last episode talking about practicing and like why it's important for more women to spend time with themselves. One, just so you don't have to have somebody else and you don't end up in them situations where your pussy is able to win out cause she deprived. But, also so that you can figure out what works when you are with a partner, because it's hard to tell the partner with to do if you don't know what to do.
Mistress Envy: Exactly.
Kenrya: One thing that we love is that you're entrepreneurial. You didn't just write this book, you published it too. Could you tell us a little bit about the self publishing process?
Mistress Envy: Oh sure, sure, sure. Well, I have wonderful friends with who wear many, many hats. My one friend, she is a published author, she wrote a self help book, an adult coloring boo and I told her, you know, I want to publish my own book. She came right over to my house, explained the steps to me. Basically, it was really simple. I did it through Amazon, through KDP publishing, and it really walks you through the process. I feel like that was way easier than actually writing the story.
Mistress Envy: Yeah. I expected to be a big ordeal, and it absolutely wasn't. I would recommend anyone who wants to self publish a book, go out there, do it.
Kenrya: That's pretty cool, because I imagine that that keeps a lot of folks from getting out what they have in them is because you're worried about what that publishing process is going to look like.
Mistress Envy: Exactly, and for KDP through Amazon, for erotica, they're pretty much liberal. I was so worried like, "Oh my God, I'm saying nasty shit in his book. Amazon isn't going to put it out there." It was like I was 14, I'm so nervous, and they were like, "We just don't allow pretty much anything with children or animals, that type of thing." Oh cool. But no, none of that. I don't cross that line when I write erotica. It was so stress free after that point, like, “Oh, I got this. It's nothing."
Kenrya: Wait, wait. KDP is that Kindle Direct Publishing?
Mistress Envy: Yep.
Kenrya: Okay, cool. How long did it take you to actually write the book?
Mistress Envy: Oh, I felt like it took forever. It took many, many, many years because I wrote a story, like I said, when I was in that horrible relationship, that was, I don't know, 15 years ago. In between that time, I just kept writing random thoughts, and then they turned into all these sentences, and then it was a book. So, from the time I really felt like, "Oh, I'm going to write this book," until it was actually published. I'd say it was less than a year, because once I get in the mode of "Oh, I'm ready to write," it just comes out. It just comes out. So, it didn't take long at all.
Kenrya: No. That's pretty cool.
Erica: Yeah it is. When can we expect your next book?
Mistress Envy: You know, I get that question all the time. My Deviants, that's what I call my fans, my Deviants keep asking that. Well, they should be happy because I've already started it. I've actually started my first story. It's going to be a collection of short stories again. It's going to be called “Smush,” the first story, I'll let you just run wild with it. I'm not going to give any info, but I call it “Smush.”
Kenrya: We need air horns. I don't know how to do those.
Mistress Envy: Y'all are hilarious. I'm really pushing to having this done by the end of the year because I'm really in a writing mood. I'm in a good space so the words are just flowing out.
Kenrya: Yes. That's always the best.
Mistress Envy: Yes, it is.
Kenrya: Like you can't even stop it if you wanted to, right?
Mistress Envy: Exactly.
Mistress Envy: Yeah. That's pretty dope.
Kenrya: Okay. So we are really glad that you were able to join us and even, I mean, attached to that, really excited that you let us share your book with our readers. I think a bunch of them are going to pick it up, and they're going gonna love it as much as we did. For the folks who are waiting on “Smush,” because I mean I am, where can they find you?
Mistress Envy: Well, all my deviants follow me on the Instagram. That's what my mom calls it, the Instagram, the Facebook, the all that. But, on the Instagram it's @MistressEtheauthor. Simple. You can find me there. Go ahead, Check out the page. I may have to accept a request as you can just imagine the type of people who've been contacting me.
Kenrya: Listen, we already have crazy stuff.
Mistress Envy: So I had to make it private for a second. However, for the sake of this wonderful, wonderful interview I've done, I am going to have the page public so you can get a little taste of the little quickies that I provide to my Deviants. So, make sure you follow me.
Kenrya: Okay. Y'all heard her. Make sure you follow.
Erica: This week's episode was produced by us, Erica, and Kenrya, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme song is from Brazy. Please subscribe to this show on your favorite podcast app. Follow us on Twitter @theturnonpod and Instagram @theturnonpodcast and find links to books, transcripts, guest info, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. Bye.
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On Episode 5 of The Turn On, we read two stories from Mistress Envy's "Erotic Confessions of the Mildly Perverse: A Collection of Short Stories" and discuss what happens when fantasy turns into reality.
The Turn On participates in affiliate programs, which provide a small commission when you purchase products via links on this site. This costs you nothing, but helps support the show. Click here for more information.
Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Erica: (Singing). Welcome back. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. Welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On.
Kenrya: Just keep going.
Erica: Sorry, okay. Welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On. This week, we're reading from Erotic Confessions of the Mildly Perverse: A Collection of Short Stories by Mistress Envy. We are actually reading two stories from this collection. It was published in 2018, so sit back, relax, get your wine, your weed, and your accoutrements, and we'll see you on the other side.
Erica: (Singing). Welcome back. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.
Kenrya: Erotic Confessions of the Mildly Perverse by Mistress Envy. The Tease.
"Sex is overrated." That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, and when he said it, I should've walked away from him. How can anyone who thinks this way be given any of my damn time? But somehow, he has managed to consume all of my thoughts. Well, not really him. His penis. It's become my obsession. It's my own private hell. He makes me touch it every day, and he takes pleasure in my pain. The more that I beg for it, the harder it gets.
He only allows me to touch it through his pants. I don't even get to feel the warmth of it. He was kind enough to let me see it once, but only for a second. If he's feeling gracious, he might fondle me a little. You know, suck on my tits, rub my ass, and finger me. But those things seldom happen. The one constant is that I always have to touch his dick.
Thoughts of it swim around in my head all the time. I think of it so often that I've given it a name. Dominant. I try to resist him. I give myself a pep talk every day. "You can do this. You won't talk to him. Don't look directly at him." But my vagina's in control. Where he is, she has to be. I try to talk her out of it. "You could have someone else," I tell her. "You don't even know if he'll lick you the right way. Let's call somebody we've already had." Her answer is always the same. "No."
Why is she so damn crazy? Why am I letting her be in control? It's at the point where he isn't even a person. He's sex. He's desire. He's lust. His penis is the answer to everything. Hungry? Dominant can feed you. Sad? Dominant will brighten your day. Should I buy a house? Dominant is a real estate agent.
I know how ridiculous this all sounds. It's absolutely nuts, and I'm not bragging, but I'm very attractive. I have men trying to get in my panties all the time. These other men are funny, cute, and might be good in bed, but none of this matters to her. This is my fault. I let him know too much. I told that stingy bastard how crazy my vagina makes men. I told him how I've heard all vaginas are the same, but after sex with me, men do things they never thought they would.
For example, a very inexperienced young man told me that he didn't like to eat pussy, and he wasn't going to do it. I didn't argue with him. I didn't try to convince him otherwise. I didn't force him the first two times. However, on the third go round, he was begging me to eat it. I sat on his face and gave him a lesson. After that, he was calling me just to eat it.
I also shared the story of an older gentleman. The older man told me that he wasn't into anything remotely kinky. He said that he would not, under any circumstances, choke, spank, or do anything that resembled BDSM. A month later, I had his ass tied up, blindfolded, and taking hits on the stomach with my riding crop. I wasn't bragging. I was just giving him a disclaimer in case he wanted to take a trip to Crazy Town.
Unfortunately, he's using this information against me. I ask him how he can be so strong. How is it that I can awaken Dominant with just a smile, but he resists ripping my clothes off? He tells me that I'm used to getting my way, and he's going to fix it. He's right. I do need to be fixed. I need him to fix it by not teasing me. I need him to give it to me. I should be in the afterglow right now instead of wanting to rip someone's face off due to intense levels of sexual frustration.
He's got me all messed up in the head. I can't even masturbate. I pull out my toys, but none of them excite me. I want to watch porn, but I get jealous. Why is it that these bitches get to come, and I'm over here horny as hell? All of this is pure nonsense. I am literally choosing to be an abstinent psychopath because of one man. A man who tortures me daily.
Today is the day that I turn this around. I have to gain control of this situation no matter how hard it's going to be. I have to be strong. He should be over here any minute. I see him pulling up in the driveway. I open the front door. "Touch it," he commands. I don't even get a proper greeting? Dominant's only half awake, but I can see his head begin to poke through his pants. I'm not giving into this shit. I will not.
So I whisper, "No." He looks shocked and confused. "Excuse me?" He asks. I look him in the eyes and defiantly respond, "No, I don't want to." He tries to force my hand on Dominant. I ball my hand into a fist. He grabs me by my elbow and pulls me closer to him. I still don't give in. I ignore all the cuss words that my vagina is yelling at me. I am not going to let her or Dominant control me anymore.
"Would you like to come in? Maybe have something to eat?" I ask him. He passes me and sits on my couch. He looks so sexy when he's angry. He stares at me and says, "Take your panties off." I sit in the chair across from him and open my legs. "I would, but I'm not wearing any," I coolly respond. Even from this distance, I can see that Dominant is at full attention. I'm not playing this game. I am not going to touch Dominant. I am not going to plead for him to be inside me. I will not let this man keep having this hold over me.
"Come sit next to me." "No." He sees how serious I am, so now he starts pulling out all his tricks. He grabs and tugs Dominant I inhale deeply, but I don't move. He removes his jacket. He's wearing a V-neck T-shirt, and he slightly flexes his bicep. I want to run over and bite his arm, but I don't move. I adjust myself in the chair, and he laughs at me. He bites his bottom lip so slowly, but I am not moving.
"All this resistance is turning me on, but you not going to be able to keep this up." He's a cocky bastard. His confidence only fuels my determination to stay the course. Despite the growing anger between my legs and my erect nipples, I will not subject myself to another round of dry humping. Either this man is going to finally give me what I want, or we both going to have to be miserable.
We sit in silence for a few more minutes. He hasn't taken his eyes off me. I think of everything except his massive erection. I keep crossing my legs to stop the tears of anguish escaping my pussy and running down my thighs. I stand up and head toward the door.
"It was so nice of you to stop by. I really must let you go." He smiles, stands, and walks over to me. He tries to kiss me, but I turn my head. "You don't want to kiss him goodbye?" He says while glancing down at Dominic. "No, but thank you for the offer," I reply. He rubs Dominant against my ass, and I feel weak, but I am not going to do this. The only way I am giving in to any of his advances is if I'm guaranteed Dominant.
He leans into me and grazes my ear with his lips. I'm getting weaker now. He looks at me. He grabs my face and kisses me passionately. I'm no longer in control. He rips off my shirt, and my bare breasts are exposed. He raises my skirt above my waist. I want to run from him, but I can't. He pulls his pants down. He's not wearing any underwear. I can see all of Dominant. I feel like crying. Is this really going to happen?
He taps Dominant against my clit. Yes. This is about to happen. What is that damn ringing? Where is it coming from? I wake from my dream to answer the phone. "Hello?" I sleepily answer. It's him. "I'm on my way over. Get up." He hangs up. Here we go again.
"Good morning, Vernice." "Morning, Bob," I murmur. I hate mornings. I hate this job. I really hate Bob. I just want to get to my cubicle and start these eight mundane hours. I wish people would just leave me alone. All these fake people in here make my ass hurt. Well, almost everyone. There are two people in here that actually make another part of my anatomy throb. The Train.
Dominic and David, or "The Train," are the sexiest men I have ever laid eyes on. They dress well, smell delicious, and are beyond charming. The only problem is that neither of them knows I exist. I mean, why would they? I'm antisocial, I don't go to company outings, I don't eat in the break room, I'm overly sarcastic, and a tad bit petty. I wear black every day, because I'm dead on the inside. Once a month, at the staff meeting, I get to look at and lust over The Train.
I call them The Train, because that's exactly what I want them to run on me. I know more politically correct, prissy, or prude women would refer to it as a ménage à trois. However, that's just a sugar coated flowery way to refer to two men ramming all available holes at the same damn time. No matter what term you prefer, it's all the same. I could never choose one of them, so why not get dirty with both at the same time?
Today is my favorite day. It's staff meeting Tuesday. If I'm lucky, maybe I can sit close enough to sniff one of them. As I head toward the conference room, Bob stops me. "Hey, Vernice. Did you get a chance to review the report I sent you?" I respond with a blank stare. "Oh. Well, if you don't mind, I need you to look at it before the week is over." Now, I'm annoyed. I'm watching everyone, including The Train, going to the conference room, and I'm stuck in the hallway talking to this jerk.
"Bob, I don't know if anyone has told you, but you are not my supervisor. Good luck to you and that damn report." I don't give him a chance to respond. I head into the conference room and notice that almost all the chairs are taken. I head to the back of the room. My knees buckle slightly when I stop an empty seat between The Train. I rush to the seat. I don't even smooth the back of my dress before I sit, so there's a small piece of my bare ass touching the cold folding chair.
"Good morning," they both say to me in unison. "Morning," I stammer. "I hope this doesn't take all morning. I need to take my nap at 10:00," Dominic chuckles. "I'm going to take a nap during this boring meeting. If they turn the lights down, I'm counting sheep," David jokes. Although I'm sitting between them, they carry on their conversation as if I'm not there. They lean over to me to speak to each other and each time one leans over, I squeeze my thighs together. I'm afraid that they can smell the excitement brewing between my legs.
This is slow torture. I just want one of them to put his hand up my dress and give my clit a squeeze. The other one can pinch my nipples. I need to stop. I have to leave before I embarrass myself. "Hey, Dominic, do you have any gum?" David asks. Dominic reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a pack of gum. David reaches for a piece, but he drops it, and it falls in my lap. I'm afraid that the heat from my pussy is going to melt that gum.
David looks at my lap and then smiles at me, and he grabs the gum from my lap. That's it. I have to leave. If I don't leave this room right now, I'm going to get on my knees and blow them at the same time. As I'm preparing to sprint out of the room, the office manager finishes his long, boring presentation. Perfect. Now, I can really get the hell out of here.
I try to stand on shaky knees, and I feel slightly lightheaded, and the throbbing in my pussy needs to be tended to. I rush out of the conference room to my cubicle. I sit down and push myself as close as I can to the desk. I shove my index and middle finger into my vagina. I moan slightly. People around me are busy talking or working, so no one hears me. I really wouldn't give a fuck if they did.
I scoot down in my chair to get my fingers further inside me. I close my eyes, and I think of The Train. I'm on my knees, and my mouth full of their dicks, and I am sucking like a pro. "Oh, she a nasty bitch," David says to Dominic. "Let's see how nasty," Dominic replies. They both withdraw from my mouth. David rips his dress off me. He positions himself on the floor. "Come sit on top of me," he commands.
I slide down on his dick. He smiles at me. Oh, his dick is so big. I'm no punk, so I stifle the scream that's stuck in my throat. I feel Dominic move closer to me. David grabs the back of my neck and forces me to kiss him. Dominic slaps my ass as he kneels behind me. He spreads my ass cheeks and spits directly into my asshole. There's no time to prepare myself for the pain that comes next.
He plunges his cock into my ass with reckless abandon. I don't know which wonderful pain to concentrate on. I want to moan, but I can't. David is choking me while Dominic is pulling my hair. The pounding in my ass and pussy is intensifying, and I cannot wait for them to come. I want to feel them unload inside me. When they nut, it feels like a water main has burst inside of me. I feel like I'm the most delectable cream pie.
The image of my pussy and ass overflowing with their cum sends me over the top. I'm about to orgasm. I wish I wasn't at work, so I could scream their names. I bite down on my bottom lip. "I'm about to come. I'm about to come," I say it over and over again in my head. My legs start to shake, and the sweet release runs down my thighs. I don't want to open my eyes. I want to bask in this afterglow, but I know that I have to work at some point.
I push away from my desk, and I open my eyes, and at this horrifying moment, I wish I could just disappear. The Train is standing in the entrance of my cubicle. "You forgot this in the conference room," Dominic smirks as he holds my badge.
Erica: All right, all right, all right. Welcome back. So Kenrya, did you like the two stories?
Kenrya: I did. This collection has like, what? Six or seven-
Kenrya: ... different stories in it? We knew we wanted to use something, but it was like trying to figure out which ones, and what was the best mix, and that whole kind of thing. I like the two that we picked, because they give us something good to talk about.
Erica: I will start with The Tease. The first time I read this story, I thought of the great Cardi B's quote, in which she said, "I talk about my pussy all the time, because my pussy my best friend." I feel like there are so many times that women, we got to talk to our pussy and be like, "Look bitch-"
Kenrya: "Simmer down."
Erica: "... calm the fuck down with your fast ass."
Kenrya: "This not about you."
Erica: Yeah. "It ain't about you." I think we so often talk about thinking with our heart versus our head, and we forget that sometimes our pussy be making some fucked up decisions for us. You know with all your mind that this man ain't for you. You know with all your heart that this man ain't for you. But your homegirl, your little pussy, your little pocketbook, your little coopappy, whatever you call it, be like, "Hey bitch. Don't forget me." She will have you in some fucked up situations.
Kenrya: It's true.
Erica: I really like this, because this reminds me of all the times that I've had to talk to my pussy and be like, "Girl, calm down." She's an ignorant homegirl, like, "Nah, but fuck that. We can do it. We can do it. We can go out and make it home in time for work."
Kenrya: She's the worst, like an impulse. Have you doing the fucking walk of shame to work and shit.
Erica: Exactly. Exactly. One of the things that I also liked about this, she said that the reason that she kind of got ... she even found herself in this dilemma with this guy was because she was talking shit on her pussy to dude, and he was going to teach her a lesson. Do you talk shit on your pussy?
Kenrya: Shit. Only when I'm actually actively using it, you know? Like, "See how wet this pussy is?" You know what I mean? Like when I'm in the act. But no, I don't talk shit on my pussy ahead of time. Mm-mm (negative).
Erica: Oh, shit.
Kenrya: I'm taking it you do.
Erica: Oh, I do. My pussy could buy and sell homes, and all that.
Kenrya: Bitch, when she said-
Erica: So speaking of that, I really liked that line, because I think that there are-
Kenrya: When she said he's a real estate agent? Yeah.
Erica: Yeah, I think so many times, we have been in positions where we felt like we've been with someone, and be like, "Oh, this nigga is all I need. He is the alpha, the omega, the beginning, the end. He is all I need." However, I hate it when men do that shit. Have you ever been just in a bad mood and nigga be like, "You need some dick"?
Kenrya: That's the fastest way to dry anything up. I don't need shit. That's not-
Erica: I mean, maybe I do, but let me realize it. You don't tell me what I need.
Kenrya: Your shit is not a fucking cure all. It's not fucking Tussin. I'm like, you ain't just going to pour it on shit and I'm going to be better.
Erica: Rub some Tussin on it.
Kenrya: Like, bitch, get the fuck away from me. That would instantly turn me off.
Erica: Yeah, and so that was a cool part, because I have been in situations where I be like, "Look, life is wrong. All I need is this man and his dick, and the sun will shine brighter." On the other end, I think because women say that to themselves, men are quick to ... It's kind of like when you go to the nail shop, and you know you need to get your lip waxed, but then they offer you a lip wax. "Bitch, I see this. You let me tell you that I need my lip waxed. Don't be offering up no lip wax."
Kenrya: You know what's fucking funny, though? See, I have anxiety, and I've been having a super high anxiety past couple of weeks. There's a lot of shit going on. Legit, on Monday, my friend was like-
Erica: Your partner?
Kenrya: My partner was like, "Hey, come over here." He was like, "You're super stressed. Let me do something about that." I felt a way. I was like, "I don't want no pity fuck." He was like, "First of all, it's never a pity fuck." He's like, "But second of all, I mean, that shit help you relax." I really couldn't say shit, except for, "Okay."
Erica: I mean, you could offer some weed or something. Fucking shopping.
Kenrya: You know, he real on the straight and narrow. It ain't going to be none of that.
Erica: Well, that's fine. Give me a credit card number would've gave-
Kenrya: No, it worked.
Erica: ... me that kind of excitement, too.
Kenrya: I felt absolutely fantastic after. It was exactly what I needed, but my immediate instinct was-
Erica: "Don't tell me what I need."
Kenrya: Yeah. I want that shit, but I did. I did want it.
Erica: Again, back to the lip wax. Like bitch, I see my shit is furry. I see you see my shit is furry, but let me be the one to tell you that I need my lip waxed.
Kenrya: I'm not going to front. I am glad to know that I have another tool in my anti-anxiety toolbox, which is his penis.
Erica: Okay. Well, I'm glad you can add that to your list of things. Hopefully, you can use your FSA card. Well, you can use your FSA card to buy condoms and lube.
Kenrya: Can you, really?
Erica: You can use a FSA card to buy condoms and ... You can't buy like, Astroglide, but you can buy like, Pre-Seed. Like when you're trying to get-
Kenrya: What the fuck is Pre-Seed?
Erica: It's the lube that ... Lube kills sperm.
Kenrya: It helps with mobility.
Erica: Yeah, but Pre-Seed keeps them swimming.
Kenrya: Well, nobody wants that.
Erica: Okay. Let me not say lube kills sperm, because I don't need motherfuckers squirting lube up their pussy.
Kenrya: It slows them down.
Erica: Yeah, but you can buy that kind of shit with it.
Kenrya: Oh. I didn't know that.
Erica: Yeah. There's some sort of health write off.
Kenrya: All I literally see in my head is the Tip Drill video, with the credit card.
Erica: Now us hoes take Cash App. Cash App and Zelle. We don't need you to scan a credit card down our butt crack.
Kenrya: It literally is just making me think of that. I mean, iconic moment.
Erica: Iconic moment. Shout out to our homeboy Nelly from the 314. Oh, he's problematic, isn't he?
Kenrya: Is he?
Erica: I think he had a sex ... Like a rape situation.
Erica: Or rape allegation. You know everybody has rape allegations that magically get just settled.
Kenrya: Disappear, and we don't never hear about it anymore.
Erica: Exactly, so it was one of those.
Kenrya: Okay, so I take back the shout out.
Kenrya: Exactly. Yes, bitch.
Erica: That was me taking out the shout out until I can further confirm that he is unproblematic.
Kenrya: That's not going to happen.
Erica: Yeah. Okay, so you don't talk shit on your pussy.
Kenrya: I don't, yeah. Just in the act. It's very much a, "You feel that?" That kind of thing. It's never a, "Wait until you get in there." Nah. Mm-mm (negative), I brag on other shit.
Erica: "Wait until I show you. Wait until I show you how my pussy works."
Kenrya: Oh god.
Erica: I'm sorry.
Kenrya: Brian McKnight.
Erica: I don't know if we can shout him out either, but anyway ...
Kenrya: No, I would prefer not to.
Erica: The tease of this story is so sexy to me. I am an impatient person by nature. Whatever, bitch. I don't need you to-
Kenrya: I'm also an impatient person.
Erica: ... cosign so quickly, hoe.
Kenrya: It's a self drag, bitch.
Erica: Okay. Well, we drug ourselves.
Erica: Yeah, the tease, it's just so fucking sexy to me, because I love the anticipation. I love waiting, and imagining, and all of that. I could totally see myself in bed with a whole story situation of a dick that I barely even saw, let alone felt the warmth of, and she said he don't let her-
Kenrya: Yeah, feel the actual warmth.
Erica: Oh, I was like, "You cold motherfucker." See?
Kenrya: Yeah, he fucking with her.
Erica: Then, I'd fuck him, and rip his dick off, and bang it against my chest. Then, he'd be mad wondering, "She ripped my dick off. What happened?" You was playing too many damn games. Playing too many games. What about you? You like a tease?
Kenrya: I do like a tease, but only to a certain point. You know how-
Erica: Quit playing, quit playing, quit playing.
Kenrya: You know, I hit walls, right? You know, when we texting?
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kenrya: You always know that I hit my wall because it be like the three dots, and then they go away, and then the phone is going to ring two seconds later?
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kenrya: That's me, in all situations. I'm good until I'm not good, and then I'm like, "Okay, fuck this."
Erica: "Fuck this shit."
Kenrya: "Either we going to do this or we not going to do this," and then I'm out. So yes. Just, you got to know the delicate balance of how much you can tease me before I'm like, "All right." Because I'm an Aries. I'm like, "Fuck this shit."
Erica: Have you had those situations, where you're with someone, and it was like, "Okay, this is cool, but now ... Okay, nigga, turn a page."
Kenrya: So remember homecoming last year?
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kenrya: I took a young gentleman home with me who had been properly vetted by the people, and it was very hot and heavy, whatever. He was drunk, I was completely sober. Things started going, and they were very good. At one point, I was just like, "Oh!" You know, I exclaimed about how good the situation was, and he said something, talking shit, talking about, "Yeah, you need to get you a Scorpio." I'm like, "Huh. Okay."
Erica: Yeah. All right now.
Kenrya: Which is also when I realized I don't think I've ever fucked a Scorpio. I know that they have these reputations, but I don't think I've actually ever done that before.
Erica: I don't think I've ever fucked a Scorpio either.
Kenrya: I mean, aren't they evil? I mean, I have some great friends who are Scorpios, who are not evil-
Erica: Yeah, I have good friends who are Scorpio.
Kenrya: ... but they're women, so I don't know.
Erica: Yeah. I don't know. Niggas are evil. Not all of them-
Kenrya: Not all men.
Erica: ... to our great gentlemen, nonproblematic listeners. But anyway.
Kenrya: Yes, so he was bragging on himself, but whatever. We're going and going, and it's a lot of foreplay. I like foreplay, but I was ready to get to the main event.
Erica: Yeah. I am quick to be like, "Record scratch."
Kenrya: Let's go.
Kenrya: Take that off now. Let's go. Or put that on now. Whatever. It just kept going, and then I realized, I'm looking at him ... We changed venues, and he ain't look quite right. He's a little unsteady.
Erica: He was green in the face.
Erica: Oh, that's why. It was a delay tactic.
Kenrya: Yes, and so I literally had to be like, "Oh shit."
Erica: "You're not well."
Kenrya: "You need to stop."
Erica: Yeah, "You're not well. I'm going to catch a case fucking with you."
Kenrya: Yeah, and he was like, "Nah, nah. I'm good." I was like, "Nigga, consent go both ways, and you are too drunk to consent, and a bitch ain't trying to catch a case."
Erica: You're so sweet.
Kenrya: I legit shut it down.
Kenrya: I sent him to the bathroom, and helped him to ... He had to vomit. It was not good. At first, it was just like, "Okay, this is fun." Then, it was like, "Okay, this is going on too long." Then, it's like, "Something is wrong."
Erica: You know me and kissing.
Kenrya: Oh yeah. That's not your thing. I love kissing. Love it. I know.
Erica: Look at me. Listeners, get real close-
Kenrya: She looks disgusted.
Erica: Get real close to your-
Erica: ... to your ... I was going to say to your mic. To your speakers. Listen to me. Kissing is nasty.
Kenrya: It's not.
Erica: It's gross.
Kenrya: It's sexy as fuck.
Erica: I mean, I am learning to enjoy kissing more. You know, so when I'm making out, I kiss, but then if it's too much kissing, I am aware of the fact that I'm kissing, and then I get back in my head, and I be like, "We're kissing."
Kenrya: Like, "His mouth is in my mouth."
Erica: Yeah, and so then I have to slow that shit down. I can't think of a particular instance where I've had to tap out, but I definitely am-
Kenrya: Like tap out on a tease?
Erica: Yeah, just tap out on like, "Okay, this is too much."
Kenrya: "That's enough. That's enough."
Erica: Because yeah. You know how when you're drunk, and you get to a point ... For me, I get to a point, it's either like I'm going to keep drinking and I'm going to go-
Kenrya: Or you going to go to sleep.
Erica: ... or I'm going to keep drinking and I'm going to go to sleep. That's how it is with foreplay. Either we get to a point where it's like, "All right. It's go time." Or we get to a point where it's like, "Pack your dick up, and let's keep it moving."
Kenrya: Right, you ain't really trying to do nothing.
Erica: So yeah. All right, so moving on to The Train.
Erica: Opening part of the story that I loved, was that homegirl was clearly on team Fuck This Shit.
Kenrya: She was.
Erica: She was like-
Kenrya: This bitch said, "I wear black because I'm dead inside."
Erica: She was the captain of team Fuck This Shit.
Kenrya: (Singing). Fuck This Shit.
Erica: "I'm here for my check every two weeks. I hate y'all niggas. I'm dead inside. I'm going to deliver-"
Kenrya: I could barely read that without cackling.
Erica: "... a bag of dicks for y'all to suck every day, because fuck this and y'all."
Kenrya: When she told that nigga Bob, "You ain't my supervisor."
Erica: In the most dead ass like, "You ain't my supervisor. Fuck you-"
Kenrya: She's like, "I don't know if anybody's told you this-"
Erica: "... and your TPS reports."
Kenrya: Literally, I saw him in my head. That's what Bob looked like to me.
Erica: "It'd be really nice if you could come in on Saturday."
Kenrya: No, Bob.
Erica: She was clearly on team Fuck This Shit, which I found hilarious, because she also found the one piece of thing that kept shit alive at work. We've all been-
Kenrya: Looking at these niggas.
Erica: We've all been in situations at work, where we're like-
Kenrya: What's the thing that I can hold onto that makes me get up and do this shit every day?
Erica: Exactly. For her, it's The Train. What's the name, Brian and Dominic?
Kenrya: David and Dominic?
Erica: Oh see. I've been getting are wrong name.
Kenrya: A whole 'nother-
Erica: Yeah, I'm bad with names. Okay, so David and Dominic. They are wowza. One of the questions I have for you, because she was like, "Hey, I'm captain of team Fuck This Shit. I don't want to be here. Fuck this, fuck this job, fuck everybody here except for-"
Kenrya: "Fuck you."
Erica: "... my boos, David and Dominic."
Kenrya: Who don't even know her, which is crazy.
Erica: Yeah. She said, "I like them because I want to run a train on me. A good, nasty sloppy choo choo."
Kenrya: I was like, "But it's not a train." So I was very much like, "Okay."
Erica: Yeah, so I was going to ask you, what are your thoughts regarding the terminology? Do you prefer train, threesome, ménage à trois?
Kenrya: It's not a train.
Erica: What are your thoughts on it?
Kenrya: I mean, to me a train is like multiple dicks. Two is not multiple. Okay, so the very first porn that I ever legit watched was at my homegirl's house down the street. She had gone in her parents fucking stash, and it was in the basement, and nobody ever used to bother-
Erica: Oh yeah. Y'all was watching porn early.
Kenrya: I don't know how old we were.
Erica: I mean, I didn't see porn until college, but this was-
Erica: We came to college in covered wagons on the Conestoga, and so we didn't have ... It wasn't internet.
Kenrya: Yeah, no. This was like a VHS tape. We were probably in middle school, maybe. I think that's the first time I'd ever seen porn. It's certainly the first thing I remember. It was like-
Erica: Male centered, some-
Erica: ... nigga with a bush.
Kenrya: They had this chick, and I'm trying to remember, because you know my shit's like Swiss cheese, because trauma, but she was like-
Erica: Oh, I thought you was talking about my thighs. All this good cellulitis.
Kenrya: That's cottage cheese, and it's beautiful.
Erica: Oh, I like it. Shake and bake. Cellulitis.
Kenrya: What I remember is they had the woman sitting in a chair, and they were interviewing her, but it wasn't like ... You know how when you watch porn now, it's not really an interview? It's like her pulling out her nipple.
Erica: Okay, so on some of the porn sites, on the really kinky ... on some of them, they do an interview. I'm not sure if it's before or after, because I usually scrub through that part, because I'm like ..."Get to the fucking part." They interview them, and I think it's more of like a check-in, like, "You consented to all of this, right?" So she's sitting there like, "Yeah, I consent." Was it one of those type things?
Kenrya: No, I feel like they were asking her, "You like to fuck. You a nasty little bitch, huh?" Kind of a thing. Talking shit.
Erica: I mean, in the right situation, I might like it, too.
Kenrya: Then, she goes into a room ... Right, and then it's like ... From what I remember, I think they were just adding dudes. I think they got up to like eight or nine dudes. It was like ... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a legit ass train. In my mind, that's what I default to when I think of a train. Literally, like, "Choo choo motherfucker," a line of niggas.
Erica: See, for me, a train is ... In my mind, a train is like niggas nutting in you, and you getting nothing out of it. I mean, and some women-
Kenrya: Yeah, yeah. I'm not ... Yeah.
Erica: Some people like that. Again, I aint yucking your yum. If you like being used, I mean, I might on a nice day, too. For me, a train is just no care or concern for the woman's, or for the other person-
Kenrya: The other person's, yeah, sexual needs or-
Erica: ... the recipient's needs, or desires, or wants.
Kenrya: ... needs as a person.
Erica: It's just like, "You here. We sticking it in something. Let's go." Whereas, I mean, I tend to use the term threesome, or ... Well. Again, I-
Kenrya: She looks very thoughtful.
Erica: Biting the lip, eyes rolling in the back of my head. No, yeah. I tend to use the term threesome, even if it's more than three, just because in my mind, it's just group sex. People doing things, touching places, stuff going places.
Kenrya: See, for me, when I hear group sex, I think orgy. I imagine a lot of people fucking, and fucking each other. Yeah, the terminology's interesting, but I will say that when I read The Train, just two dudes didn't make me ... That was different.
Erica: Which I think also says a lot about the head space of ... What's the girl's name?
Kenrya: Mistress Envy.
Erica: No, the woman in the-
Kenrya: We don't-
Kenrya: Oh, Vernice.
Erica: Oh, Vernice. Brenda.
Kenrya: You done gave everybody a new name!
Erica: Brenda, Brian, and Dominic. Dominic's the only one whose name I know. Bernice?
Erica: Hush. She got a name like she go to lunch buffets and be like, "Make sure you give me the noodles from the back, because everybody be breathing on the ones in the front."
Kenrya: I even know somebody named Vernice.
Erica: No, I don't say this disparagingly, because I know the tricks of a good lunch buffet.
Kenrya: See, I don't-
Erica: You grab from the back.
Kenrya: ... so I just thought that was a very surprising moment. I just learned some shit.
Erica: Yeah, you grab from the back. That could be used ... That piece of advice can be used most places.
Kenrya: I'm about to say, that's what she said. I like it.
Erica: What was I ... Oh, shit. I lost my train of thought.
Kenrya: You were saying-
Erica: Oh, it shows the frame of thought of Vernice, and I guess that's why they're like, "Oh, she's just a quiet ..." She was like, "They don't recognize me," because she probably is sexually-
Kenrya: Repressed or inexperienced?
Erica: I don't even want to say repressed.
Kenrya: But then she said that-
Erica: Not exposed to a lot.
Kenrya: Right, but then she said, "A prissy, prudish, whatever person would call it a ménage à trois." I'm like, "What?"
Erica: In her mind, she's probably like, "Yeah." She's like, "But I am a nasty bitch, so I'm going to use the most raunchy term ever." It's kind of like when you talk to someone, and I can't come up with a good example, but you know, you talk to someone, and they're like, "I'm living on the wild side." You're like, "What you do?"
Kenrya: That bitch just got mismatched socks on.
Erica: They're like, "I wore white after Labor Day." I'm like, "No bitch." That's kind of how I feel with her. Granted, her fantasy was great.
Kenrya: Well, but I'm about to say-
Erica: Her fantasy was great. She knew what-
Kenrya: Also, this bitch masturbated at her desk.
Erica: Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever masturbated-
Kenrya: Hell nah.
Erica: Well, you never worked in a real office? You have.
Kenrya: Well, no. I haven't worked in an office in more than a decade. But fuck no. I have never. No judgment if that is a thing, because it look like you about to say you have. But no. I have always worked in super ... You know, magazines. It's very collaborative. You've got people in and out your office. Nah, son. No, no. I haven't. Tell your story.
Erica: I mean, it's not even a story. I've had lots of work sex, but I've also had masturbation at work sex. Yeah.
Kenrya: Is after hours?
Erica: I mean masturbation at work. Masturbation sex. No, in the middle of the day.
Erica: Oh my god. I sound like a fucking sexual predator.
Kenrya: No, you don't. I just, I'm trying to work out the mechanics and the logistics.
Erica: So I was fooling around with a little something something, a little freak. I was fooling around with a little freak, and we was getting spicy in the middle of the day. He was like, "Come for me." I was like, "Now?" He was like, "Yeah, right now." I was like, "Okay." I mean, had I been in a different space or whatever, I probably ... I was going to say if you told me to-
Kenrya: This is exciting.
Erica: ... do it right now, I probably wouldn't. No, I probably would for the right person. I can't do it right now, because my office is all glass right now. You know, in the right situation, yeah. I mean, I definitely would said no if-
Kenrya: Wait, were y'all texting and he told you that?
Erica: Yeah. We was sexting in the middle of the day.
Kenrya: In the middle of the day, yes.
Erica: I'm such a whore.
Kenrya: It's fine. I fuck in the middle of the day all the time.
Erica: Yeah, so I was sexting in the middle of the day, and then he was like, "You know, we talking shit." I was doing my self written porn, my self written erotica. You know, he was like, me talking shit on my pussy, he was like, "Well, come for me." I was like-
Erica: "Challenge." I did, and it was a good one. Then, you know, kept it moving.
Erica: It might've been, "All right, I'm done. I'll talk to you later. Have a good day." Got him. I've never been caught.
Kenrya: Thank god. That's a lot. This is a lot.
Kenrya: Yeah. I can't even not wear underwear because it's a problem. How do you-
Erica: I mean, I wasn't squirting at my desk. Shit. It wasn't like that. You're definitely soggy.
Kenrya: You know, I don't wear like work clothes. I don't know what those are. I'm like, how do you-
Erica: I probably had on a skirt, and closed my office door. You know, when your office door is closed. I mean, I think I locked it, but it's always a signal like-
Kenrya: People leave you the fuck alone.
Erica: "Some shit's going on. Knock on the door." Yeah. Closed the door, sat at my desk, rubbed one out, done. Then, I went back to work.
Kenrya: That's dope.
Erica: Yeah. I've had more office sex than office masturbation, but I ain't going to say that I haven't had office masturbation. Yeah, it was pretty damn dope. Have you ever had a crush on a coworker?
Kenrya: Oh shit.
Erica: Or a fantasy, or you know ...
Kenrya: A minor one once. Huh? No.
Erica: Okay, we're mouthing names to one another right now.
Kenrya: I mean, I have always worked in magazines before I started working for myself as an editorial consultant and all this shit. I prefer Black men, and those are widely ... There are very few Black men in those spaces. I did, at one point, I was crushing on someone. We actually went on, what I discovered partway through, was a date.
Erica: You told me that.
Kenrya: I didn't realize it was a date, which has actually happened to me like three times.
Erica: Yeah. I have no idea how that's going.
Kenrya: Well, it's happened to me twice and what's funny is they were both white men.
Erica: Oh shit. Oh my god. That happened to me once.
Erica: Oh my god.
Kenrya: You know, whenever I share this, I'm like, I feel like I don't know what it is about that dynamic where they ask you out, but they're not really clear. In this situation, this person was my friend, and they asked if I wanted to go see a movie, and I said yes, and I thought we were just as friends going to see this movie, but he came around and opened my door, and I was like, "Uh oh."
Erica: You ain't from the South. This ain't your normal.
Kenrya: Right. Then, we went to eat before the movie and he paid. I was like, "Oh fuck. Are we on a date?" I mean, I thought he was a cutie pie, but we were really good friends or whatever.
Erica: I've definitely had dates where I've looked at men and was like, "Look, you ain't getting no pussy, so if you want to go half on this meal-"
Kenrya: That's okay.
Erica: "... I'm perfectly okay with that." When we went to Fogo de Chão, it was on some random like, "Oh, let's go grab ..." I'm sorry. I'm going to let you finish your story. It was on some random like, "Let's go grab a meal." New restaurant opened, went to Fogo, we ate, and then the bill came, and I happened to see it, and I had to pause, and was like, "Look, this is expensive. I'll go half on you, because you ain't getting no pussy, but I'll tell you now, if I was you, and I paid this much for someone to eat, they sucking or fucking."
Kenrya: Really, though?
Erica: Kenrya gave me the most ignorant look.
Kenrya: Yes, because you feel like niggas ... Well, there's two questions there, right? Do you think that men expect ass because they paid for some shit?
Erica: No. Let me explain something. I don't feel obligated to give ass-
Kenrya: Okay, that was going to be my second part.
Erica: ... because they paid for some shit. However, if I was a nigga, and I paid some random bitch, I put out ... This was like right out of college, nigga's making like four dollars an hour. I mean, it was a stretch. It was like anniversary level dinner, like cost and stuff. I was like, "Whoa."
Kenrya: This is special occasion.
Erica: "Bro, if I was you, and I took a rando out, and we ended up at an anniversary dinner, I'd be like, 'Hey bitch.'"
Kenrya: At least she's licking.
Erica: I'm so horrible. That is so problematic. I know that I hold problematic views, and I will check myself on them. No, I don't feel obligated to give niggas ass, but if I was a nigga and I spent $200 on a chick I barely knew for fucking meat sweats, I'd be like, "Yo, that ain't the only meat you eating tonight."
Kenrya: Oh my god.
Erica: Okay. Sorry, and that ends Erica's Problematic Hour.
Kenrya: I've never had anyone make me feel like I owed them or whatever. It wasn't that that dude made you feel that way. It was just what as playing in your head.
Kenrya: I don't think I've ever felt that way. I don't think I have.
Erica: Yeah, I'd probably hit you with the hard "tuh" if you dared try to act like I owed you something.
Erica: Can y'all get your crusty ass on?
Kenrya: Yeah. I don't think ... That's interesting. I do wonder if men are being super honest, if they ever do really ... I mean, I think they do. I think especially these misogynistic ass dudes who be trolling people on Twitter, who absolutely ... The ones who will be like, "This is why niggas don't want to take y'all out, because y'all expect people to pay for this, that, and the third, and you don't even want to try nothing." You know, all the mealy mouth.
Erica: I've been really lucky to just generally date nice guys. Even when I told dude that, he looked at me and just laughed. It was very funny. No, I think I ended up fucking him, but anyway, yeah. He was a good guy. I've been lucky to have avoided, or at least avoided intimate situations. I mean, I've definitely run across a few niggas like that, but we've never made it to dinner.
Kenrya: Right, because you could see that already.
Erica: Yeah, yeah.
Kenrya: Weeding them out.
Erica: Okay, so-
Kenrya: Oh, no, I was telling the story about ... Not about them, but another thing that I've experienced with white men with this whole accidental dating shit. So the other time, which was really the egregious time, I interviewed to work at this magazine, got along really well.
Erica: Drop a name.
Erica: Oh, all right.
Kenrya: Got along really well with the guy who I was interviewing with, came back for a second interview. Then, allegedly, they decided that they actually weren't going to build out this new division that they were bringing me in.
Erica: Oh, that's fucked up. Oh, so then he used it as a pussy grab?
Kenrya: Well, basically. It was like, well, he called me, and it was like, "You know, we decided not to move forward with creating this division, but you know ..." One of the things we connected on was his volunteer work, and you know I'm always, "What can I do?" He was like, "You know, we should grab dinner and talk about how you can work with the organization." I was like, "Let's do that." We meet at this restaurant, and it's fine, we talk. We are actually talking about the thing we're supposed to be talking about, whatever.
Kenrya: Then, he's like, "You know, there's a speakeasy around the corner." This is New York. "You want to try it out?" I ain't never been to a speakeasy before. I'm like 24, 25. I'm like, "Shit, yeah. Let's go." It's one of these you got to know the password, and nondescript door, you know, whatever. Go, have a really good drink. This is back when I used to drink liquor. As he starts drinking, it becomes very clear.
Erica: That he want some of that.
Erica: Some of that what? That ass.
Kenrya: Yeah. Then, it's super awkward, because I'm not in any way interested in this guy. I did genuinely want to work on this charity stuff with him, and now I'm out on this date that I didn't realize was a date, and I got to extract myself. The Kenrya of today, first of all, I would've not gone to this-
Erica: Your spidey senses would've-
Kenrya: Exactly, but also, if I had gotten to that point and I realized what was going on, I would've been like, "Hey, I'm happy to work with you on this, but I'm not interested in you," and I would've fucking left. I was like, "Oh, you know." I played it out. I didn't whatever, but then he walked me to the train, and he's all in my face, and that's when I finally had to be like, "Yeah, no. No, no, no. No, no, no."
Erica: You know what's fucked up? I feel like so often this is how men end up ... Well, this is how these sexual harassment cases, or these situations come about, where women are put in these really creepy fucking positions with these guys who are just like, "Oh." Had you, you know, called him out on it, like, "Dude, you trying to fuck." He'd have been like, "Oh, no. We're just trying to connect, because you know."
Kenrya: Exactly. Now you getting gaslit.
Kenrya: And you in this small industry where everybody knows everybody. If he decides to be a vindictive asshole, now we got another whole situation.
Erica: I was a kid when the whole Anita Hill, Clarence Thomas-
Kenrya: Bitch, we the same age.
Erica: ... situation.
Kenrya: I, too, was a kid when it happened.
Erica: Well, I'm talking to our listeners.
Kenrya: Okay, shit.
Erica: I was a kid when the Anita Hill, Clarence Thomas situation went down, so I didn't really understand it as it was going on. Now that I'm an adult, and I've been working for years, and I watched the documentary that HBO did. I'm like, "I totally get this. I totally understand." I don't think men understand how, as a woman, you are put in situations with creepy fucking guys, and a lot of times, I mean I hate to say it, but it's just easier to be like, "You know what? Fuck it. Tell him to leave me alone. He knows not to cross the line with me." But there's probably a few other chicks that aren't as-
Kenrya: Able to stand up in theirselves.
Erica: Exactly, exactly.
Kenrya: Yeah, for various reasons.
Erica: Or, there are a good number of men that I deal with professionally, that are fucking creeps. Unfortunately, not that I keep them around, but I have to-
Kenrya: You still have to interact with them because of what you do.
Erica: I still have to interact with them, because I know I'm going to see them at a fundraiser. At this, or at that, or at this. To outside, they're like, "Oh, yeah. Erica's cool with so and so." I'm like, "No, he's a fucking creep. His number's in my phone because I know I'm going to run into him, and I can't burn that bridge, but he's a fucking creepazoid." I'll step off my soap box, and we'll probably go into this a little bit more at some other point.
Kenrya: Sure. It's pervasive, unfortunately.
Erica: Exactly, and I was going to say this is from the woman who fucks and masturbates at work, but I should be able to fuck and masturbate at work, or talk about, you know-
Kenrya: Should you? I mean, I know it's not usually expressly in the handbook, I would imagine.
Erica: No, no. This is the woman, I should be able to be my whole sexual self without-
Kenrya: Correct. Absolutely.
Erica: ... having to feel like I then can't say-
Kenrya: Reject the fucking creep.
Erica: "This is a fucking creep." Anyway. Overarching theme for this, these two stories are (singing) "I wanna lick lick lick you from your head to your toes, and I wanna, ooh from the bed down down to the floor. And I wanna make it so good I don't wanna leave and tell me whats your fantasy!".
Kenrya: (Singing along).
Erica: Okay, so I never know the words to a song.
Kenrya: You started it, then you got partway through and was like, "Oh."
Erica: I don't know where this song is going, but we're just going to keep going.
Kenrya: I want to see where it ends up.
Erica: Fantasies. In The Tease, she had a fantasy of Dominic. In The Train, Bernice had a fantasy of the train. Has there ever been someone you fantasized about? Not on some like, "I fantasize about Morris Chestnut," but someone a little more-
Kenrya: I've done that.
Erica: Someone a little more tangible that's been in arm's reach that you've fantasized about.
Kenrya: I don't know. I mean, yes, but in general, I usually fantasize about people I've already had sex with. I replay.
Erica: You don't have forward facing fantasies like, "Oh, I'm going to get that," or, "I want that"?
Kenrya: Yes. I have, and then I have.
Erica: How was it? Was it a let down? That was going to be my next question.
Erica: Have you ever had someone you fantasized about, and then got it? Got into bed with him, and it was like ...
Kenrya: I mean, I've definitely had-
Erica: That was supposed to be the Plinko.
Erica: Anyway, okay.
Kenrya: Yes, The Price is Right. Obviously, I've had people who I had sex with and it was fucking trash, or who I had to stop because it was clear it was going to be trash.
Erica: Wait, you stopped and put your panties on?
Kenrya: Oh, yes.
Erica: Story time.
Kenrya: I've got a story. You'd like to hear it? And now, welcome Story Time with Killer Ken. This dude. He went to our school. He went to our college. I used to see him out. I never saw him on campus, but I always would see him whenever-
Erica: Which tells me, he should've had a good dick if he just-
Kenrya: ... we would go to club. You would think.
Erica: Because all the niggas with good dicks are the ones that ... All the niggas that do a lot of nothing-
Kenrya: Got good dicks.
Erica: ... got good dicks, because they've got nothing to do but-
Kenrya: But practice.
Erica: ... work on technique.
Erica: Okay, so sorry.
Kenrya: I used to see him all the time. Didn't even really know his name, but it was one of those where you see this cat all the time, so y'all speak, you know? Plus, I'm real bad about remembering people's faces and whatever the fuck. Saw him after I moved to New York after college randomly somewhere. Still didn't know his name. Just knew that I knew him. We spoke, and then we ... I think how I got his name was I just gave him my phone to put his number in it.
Erica: Good job.
Kenrya: Smart bitch. We decided to hook up. I think we went to the movies or something. I remember I went back to his apartment and there was a brush in the shower. It looked like a woman had been using it. He claimed it was roommate's girlfriend. Of course, that was the first red flag, but whatever. I wasn't messing with him. The next time we got together, we ended up back at my place, and I was like, "All right. Let's try it out." It's the biggest dick I've ever seen in real life.
Erica: Nothing is worse than a massive dickYes, who don't know ...
Erica: Massive dicks are like really attractive people. You've lived your entire life off of just being really attractive. You've put no effort into this massive fucking dick, so you're literally just sloshing that bitch around.
Kenrya: Oh yes. So you know my story. Get in there, pulls it out. It's like my forearm.
Erica: Oh my gosh.
Kenrya: It's massive. I'm already feeling a little trepidatious, but I'm like, all right, you know.
Erica: Mama ain't raise no quitter.
Kenrya: Yeah. Let's see what we could do here. Foreplay's happening. There's not a lot of it. I'm like, "Oh, okay. I'm noting." Pulls it out, puts on a condom. Remember that episode of Sex and the City where somebody was with the jackrabbit, Carrie was, and her neck was messed up the next day? It was like that, except for he hadn't even got it in yet.
Erica: What was he doing? Just nutting on your thigh?
Kenrya: Girl, I think it was like ... I mean, I like a good rub on the situation, but it was like he was just banging at the entrance. I was like, "Oh. Nope. That's enough."
Erica: At this point, you're just masturbating in me.
Kenrya: He wasn't even in me.
Erica: Well masturbating-
Kenrya: On my-
Erica: Oh my gosh.
Kenrya: I was like, "Nope." He was like, "What you mean?" I was like, "No. Put that away."
Erica: Like it's a toy.
Kenrya: He looked so confused.
Erica: Like we're yelling at my dog.
Kenrya: Right. He put it away. I was like, "It's late. It's late. You can stay here if you want to." I was like, "But don't touch me." That was that on that.
Erica: He in bed curled up in a fetal position opposite of you.
Kenrya: With a hard dick, not touching me, because I told that nigga, "Do not touch me."
Erica: (Singing) "In the Arms of an Angel" playing. She fall asleep.
Kenrya: I mean, it was either that, or he was going to have to leave in the middle of the fucking night, and go back way, way downtown.
Erica: I mean, that's fine.
Kenrya: I feel like I did him a service by letting him stay.
Erica: Well, damn. Okay.
Kenrya: Yeah, it was that bad. Yes, I had to stop him before we could even get going.
Erica: Thus concludes Kenrya's Bad Dick Story Time.
Kenrya: Yeah, yes. I was proud of myself for not venturing-
Erica: Yeah, not going ahead with something that wasn't working.
Kenrya: It was clear that that was going to be bad. He literally figured, I think, that he had a big dick, and so he didn't have to really know how to use it. Not me. You not going to do that on me.
Erica: Yeah. I actually am a fan of a good smedium dick.
Kenrya: Me too.
Erica: You have to hone that skill.
Kenrya: Yeah, I have experienced that, where they know what they got, but they also know how to use it really well, and they know how to use other things.
Erica: Have you ever had a dick so big it surprised you?
Kenrya: That guy.
Erica: Yeah, I was with a dude, and he was a smaller guy, and he pulled his shit out, and it was weighty.
Kenrya: It flopped out.
Erica: The only thing that comes to mind was like, "Wow, that's a weighty dick. My God." I mean, it was big, but it was like girthy, and just weighty. He, too, didn't know what the fuck he was doing with it, but I was just like, "My, you walking around with that thing?"
Kenrya: I'm like, what a waste? What a waste if you don't know how to-
Erica: Well, no. You just ... Yeah. I mean, hopefully-
Kenrya: I mean, what a waste for him that he's-
Erica: ... he has sparkling personality, but yeah.
Kenrya: You know what I mean? That he's got all of that, but he's not really having good sex. If he don't really know how to use it, he's not ultimately having-
Erica: He's not giving good sex. He might be having good sex.
Kenrya: Well, that's true.
Erica: I mean, that's the thing. Sex is just-
Kenrya: Yeah, but even if he's getting it, imagine how much better it is if she's getting it, too. You know what I mean?
Erica: Yeah. You right.
Kenrya: He ain't really getting the full compliment of what can be going on. I once told somebody ... One time, a man disrobed and I literally said, "Congratulations." It was the first ... "Yo, congratulations."
Erica: That was the first thing that came to mind.
Kenrya: Yeah. It was surprising, and he actually did know how to use it, so yeah. It was pretty good.
Erica: That makes me happy.
Kenrya: He was a terrible person, but he was really good at using his penis.
Erica: All the good dicks are attached to trash ass people.
Kenrya: It happens often. It is nice-
Erica: Here's the thing.
Kenrya: ... when you can find it all together.
Erica: Very rarely does I ... Does I feel. Very rarely do I feel that anyone's completely a trash person. Sometimes, you're completely ... I mean, trash. You are a trash person, you've just got a really good dick, and that was the Lord being like, "You know what? We're going to give you one redeeming quality."
Kenrya: "And this will be your gift." Oh shit. That's awful, awful.
Erica: Oh, I'm trash.
Kenrya: Nah, you're not trash. Your honest.
Erica: Yes, I am. This wraps up this week's episode of The Turn On. Thank you for joining us. It's your lovely host Erica and Killa signing off, and we are two hoes making it clap.
Kenrya: Making it clap.
Kenrya: This week's episode was produced by us, Erica and Kenrya, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme song is from Brazy. Please subscribe to this show on your favorite podcast app, follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod, and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast, and find lists of books, transcripts, guest info, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. Bye.
The Turn On
The Turn On is a podcast for Black people who want to get off. To open their mines. To learn. To be part of a community. To show that we love and fuck too, and it doesn't have to be political or scandalous or dirty. Unless we want it to be.