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In Episode 6 of The Turn On, we read an excerpt from "Let Me Free You" by Alexandria House and discuss marriage proposals, dating hoteps and getting out of our own heads.
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Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Erica: Welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On. Today we are reading “Let Me Free You,” which was published in 2018, by Alexandria House. Get your wine, get your weed, get whatever you need, and sit back, relax, and enjoy. That's right, welcome back. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.
Kenrya: We're going to have break her from this, y'all.
Kenrya: “Let Me Free You,” by Alexandria House.
"This is nice, I didn't know there was a Stable Inn Resort here, but I'm glad we're staying in a Black-owned establishment," Neil shared. I nodded, eyeing a huge bed, "Yeah." "You tired? You want to lay down for a while, take a nap? It's been a long day," he asked, as I took in the rest of the beautiful suite. "No, I'm good, I'm not really that tired at all," I replied. "Really?" "Yeah, but I need to take a shower, I'm really grimy after all that dancing." He plopped down in the bed and fell onto his back, "All right, I'm going to take one after you."
In the huge glass-encased shower, as I closed my eyes and let the hot water beat against my skin, I told myself that whenever this sex thing went down, if it wasn't good, I'd be okay with it. I mean, sex wasn't everything, and if he didn't annul my ass, he had done me a huge favor. Shit, he didn't really even know me like that to be marrying me. I mean, after all the pussy, time, and effort I put into my past relationships, none of those niggas had met me at the altar. Assholes.
And the chief asshole was Gavin, this motherfucker had said some horrible stuff to me when I asked him to marry me, some stuff that really messed with my head and had me feeling like I was subhuman. And when I cried about it, he ... at first I felt a draft, and then I felt the heat of his body and my eyes popped open. Spinning around, my eyes widened, and I stuttered, "What? Neil," I don't know why I said that, maybe his fineness was messing with my brain because he was naked, and, good Lord, this man was fine as all hell and heaven and everywhere in between.
"Were you expecting someone else?" "No, I thought you were going to take a shower when I was done." "I ain't in here to take a shower." My eyes dropped to watch him stroke his nice, long, veiny dick, and then shot back up to his face as he said, "I'm in here to fuck my sexy ass wife." My yoni started throbbing as if it was dancing to a high-octane club banger, and my hands began to shake, moisture collected in my mouth like I was a lion staring at a gazelle in the Serengeti. And through no will of my own, I grabbed his face and pulled it down to mine, kissing him with the fervor of a woman who had never seen an exposed erect penis before.
He backed me up under the shower head into the wall, and despite the fact that I knew without a doubt I was messing up my hair, I didn't stop him. We kissed wildly, passionately. No, passionately is too weak a word because this nigga actually bit my tongue, and my lip, and he was growling while squeezing my breast, and I liked all of it. Hell, I loved it. He ended the kiss, and as my chest rose and fell rapidly, he planted one hand on the shower wall beside my head while using the fingers of the other hand to explore my yoni, parting my lips to find my clit.
He rubbed it, holding my eyes hostage and biting his bottom lip as he slid a finger inside me, making my knees buckle. Then he kissed me again, slipping his finger in and out of me while circling my clit with his thumb, gradually increasing the speed of his fingers until it fell frenzied. There was more than one finger inside me now, two, three? And he was touching a spot that felt different, some uncharted territory inside me that made me feel good and uncomfortable at the same time, hella uncomfortable and hella good.
He had me feeling like I had to pee and cum simultaneously, it was confusing in a wonderful way. "Oh, shit," I yelled into his mouth. My entire body vibrated with a feeling that was alien to me. It was like I was having a damn global orgasm. My scalp was tingling, it felt like heat was enveloping me, and an electricity shock through my body as I shuttered uncontrollably. He grabbed me with his free hand to keep me from falling as the other hand continued to assault me. "Yeah, baby, feel it," he kept saying, his deep voice coarse, "Feel it."
What the fuck was this? I mean, it'd never been hard for me to orgasm, but this shit? This was beyond an orgasm. This was ... This was spiritual. And it went on and on and on. When my body finally came down, I collapsed into his arms, and I swear on everything, I think I passed out. I woke up naked and in the dark, lying alone in the bed. At first, I lay there staring at the ceiling, then felt eyes on me and turned to my left.
"Neil?" I couldn't see him, but I was sure he was there. "I'm here, baby." I felt my body relax at that reassurance. "How long have I been asleep?" "A couple of hours." "Damn." "A g-spot orgasm will do that to you, that plus the long-ass day we had." "That's what that was? I thought that was some coochie hooodo or something, I could've sworn you put a sex hex on me." He laughed, "Nah, baby. You never had a orgasm like that before?" "No, never. That was ... That was crazy. Good, but crazy. Did you ... Did you get off, too?" "No." "Oh, you didn't want to?" "You blacked out, I'm not in business of having sex with unconscious women." "That makes sense. So, you've just been sitting there while I sleep?" "Mm-hmm." "Okay."
"Sage?" "Yeah?" "I'd like to eat your pussy." "Shit, you would?" "Yeah, I want to taste you." "Damn. Knock yourself out, I ain't going to stop you." With a chuckle, he left the chair, and in the darkness I felt him pull the covers off me. I opened my legs for him, squeezed my eyes tightly shut, felt his tongue flatten against my clit, and hoped he would and wouldn't do the g-spot thing again. I mean, I wouldn't have minded feeling it, but I wasn't try to spend my entire honeymoon unconscious.
My honeymoon, ain't that some shit? "Mmm," he moaned, as he worked some more of that coochie hoodoo with his tongue. "Mmm," I whined, wiggling beneath him. He licked and sucked me into an orgasm pretty quickly, then lifted from me and asked, "You always cum that quick?" "Yeah, most of the time." "Shit," then he was in my face and my scent on his breath as he kissed me and then hovered over me, his eyes burning into mine, "I love the way you taste." "Thank you."
"You still good with no condom, like we discussed?" "Yeah, we know each other's status, traded results, and I'm on the pill, so ..." "Shit," he was inside me with one quick thrust, taking advantage of my orgasm-induced lubrication, and a little whimper escaped his mouth. My brow furrowed as he stared down at me, pulling back and sinking into me again. "Damn, baby," he mumbled, "Shit, and you feel gooder than a motherfucker." I closed my eyes and tried to hold the orgasm that had literally started building on contact, but I couldn't, and was soon contracting and spasming around him.
"Neal," I screamed in my daddy's voice, my daddy's Liberian voice. Shit, he was right. "Shit, yo, I'm not ready," he screamed, sounding panicked. "Oh, damn, I'm sorry, it's just so good." He shut his eyes as if he was concentrating, and kept going, grunting, moaning, whimpering, and kissing me as he worked my pussy like a damn physics equation, rocking in and out of me as orgasm after orgasm rolled over me. "You making this hard for me, baby," he grunted, "I want to stay in this good motherfucker, but I can't hold out any long ... Oh, fuck." He stiffened and grunted as I felt him grow and pulsate inside of me. And then he collapsed onto my body, breathing heavily as he said, "God damn."
As I awakened the next morning, the first thing I was aware of was his arms around me, and I smiled, snuggling closer to him and breathing in his scent. He felt and smelled so good, like a dream, but he was my reality now, he was my husband. I heard him moan a little as he adjusted his body in the bed and loosened his grip on me, rubbing his hand up and down my back, "Mmm, grand rising, baby." As my smile grew wider, I replied, "Grand rising, Neil."
Erica: Welcome back, we just heard an excerpt from Let Me Free You, which was published in 2018, by Alexandria House. This story is an excerpt from a larger book, and the book is a part of a much larger series, called the McClain Brothers. So, Kenrya, can you give us a little bit of background on this particular book?
Kenrya: Sure. So, this book has two stars, the guy's name is Neil McClain, he's one of the aforementioned McClain brothers, and it opens with him getting out of rehab. So, we find out that he's been going through it, he's been boozing, and all of this stuff, after he came out of his last relationship, he didn't really want to deal with the emotions of it all, so he numbed himself with substances. And so now he's trying to make a new start.
Kenrya: The book is really cool because it alternates chapters, so like a he-said, she-said kind of a situation, and so the she in the book is Sage. And Sage is an immigrant from Liberia, and she has just found out that she's being deported and has to go back home unless she can figure out a way to stay in the United States. Their friends bring them together, and hijinx ensue. Not really.
Erica: Dot, dot, dot.
Kenrya: Yes. A bunch of sex and marriage ensues, actually.
Erica: Okay. Cool. So, Sage, as I walk us through this excerpt that we read, one of the first things that stood out was that Sage said she previously asked a man to marry her.
Erica: I know you divest yourself of the patriarchal bullshit-
Kenrya: I do.
Erica: But how do you feel about that, how do you feel about a woman asking a man to marry her?
Kenrya: I don't have any feels about it one way or the other. I mean, shit, if you feel so moved that you wanted to take the first step, I think the thing about it that feels scary, and I think it would probably feel scary for me, as if I were a man, too, is the amount of vulnerability that it takes to ask somebody to marry you.
Erica: Yeah, I mean I always feel like ... Well, I am very traditional in that sense. If you waiting for me to ask you to marry me-
Kenrya: You would never do it.
Erica: We ain't never getting married. Like, no, you're the man, you kill bugs, you take out trash, you ask me to marry you. But, now that you put it like that, I do think it does take a level of vulnerability. I remember hearing guys talk about being nervous that they're going to ask a woman to marry them, and I'm kind of like, "But don't you already know the answer?"
Kenrya: I mean, apparently not because bitches say no all the time. Remember that clip that was circulating on Twitter, where a dude proposed to the chick in public and she was like, "I'm sorry, I can't." You know what ended up coming out later was that he had been cheating on her, and that was like his last ditch, manipulative ass, let-me-do-this-and-maybe-she'll-stay-with-me bullshit, and thank God she saw through it and was like, "No."
Erica: That's a whole different ball of wax.
Erica: But I mean, we're together, we're in a good place-
Kenrya: We've probably been talking about getting married.
Erica: We've probably been talking about it. I mean, if you're smart, you did went looking at rings, I mean I also feel like that's a big step, when you just buy a ring. I mean I guess you kind of know the person.
Kenrya: Yeah, I don't want to pick out my ring, you know what kind of ring I like, so if this nigga's smart, he going to talk to you.
Erica: I do?
Kenrya: Bitch, you supposed to, I feel like we had this conversation before, I'm going to have to send you pictures.
Erica: Yeah, I mean, I would just-
Kenrya: You know, I'm real simple, I just want to-
Kenrya: Listen, let me say it now, because he listening to the show. I'm real simple, I like a solitaire, I don't want no extra stones, none of that, just a nice rose gold band, and a beautiful bright diamond, that's it.
Erica: Yeah, I'm trifling, so I would-
Erica: Yeah, I would have definitely gone, "Was this sustainably sourced?"
Kenrya: That's right.
Erica: But, also, I would have definitely gone for the rose gold, but, see ... it would have been simple, I'm a simple gal, so I wouldn't have wanted you to have a whole bunch of extra shit.
Kenrya: What? Wait, what? She lying on this podcast.
Erica: However, I definitely would have been like, "Big," "What does she want?" "Big and bright, the brightest, clearest, biggest one you can get."
Kenrya: I don't need it to be big, I don't want to be ... Like, remember the ring that Gucci Mane bought what's-her-name? Keyshia Ka'oir?
Erica: We know we're not there, right?
Kenrya: I'm just saying. That shit's scary, I don't want nothing that I be like- Exactly. No judgment, but, nah, I don't want nothing crazy.
Erica: Yeah, I don't need nothing that big.
Kenrya: But, just, yeah, a simple stone. But, anyway.
Erica: Okay, well. Back to ... Where the fuck were we?
Kenrya: We were saying that you should have already had some conversations, but I still feel like ... like, even if you think about the other milestones that come in a relationship, before you get to the point of that, having the "I love you" conversation. Like, you can feel it all day, right, and you can know it in your bones that you love this person and that that person loves you, but it's still scary as hell to leap off the cliff and say it the first time.
Kenrya: Why you looking like that?
Erica: Because it's not for me.
Kenrya: Saying "I love you"?
Kenrya: What do you mean?
Erica: Not it's no big deal, but if I feel it, I'm going to say it.
Erica: It's not like a scary thing. Because if I feel it, I'm going to say it.
Kenrya: Yeah, you know I got all this vulnerability issues.
Erica: Yeah, I'm not like-
Kenrya: Because I work really hard at being vulnerable.
Erica: Because, also, I don't ... when I say it, I say it with the "This is how I feel about you" not expecting-
Kenrya: Right, you don't have to ... Absolutely.
Erica: To hear it back. I mean, it would be nice, but at the same time, if you don't say it, it's like-
Kenrya: I'm not going to be crushed or it's not going to be a deal-breaker.
Erica: Yeah, I'm not going to be crushed. Now, if I done say it and then, you know, four, five years down the line you ain't said it-
Kenrya: Ooh, God.
Erica: Well, shit ain't going to get that ... but you know.
Erica: If we get down the line and you haven't said it, then I'll be like, "What's going on here?"
Kenrya: Right, but then that's another conversation.
Erica: If I'm the first one to say it, I'm just going to say it, and that's probably ... I don't want to say part of my problems, but I definitely do-
Kenrya: I don't think it's ever a problem to be able to make yourself vulnerable.
Erica: But you also don't want to put, now that I think about it more, you don't want to put pressure on someone to feel like they have to say it, but I also feel like if you were rocking with me, if you love me, if you know me, you know that-
Kenrya: You're going to say it.
Erica: Erica going to say what the fuck's on her mind.
Kenrya: Right. True.
Erica: Be like, "You sort your shit out." All right, so, you're ... I don't know, whatever's clever.
Kenrya: Yeah, whoever can get up the nerve, and feels confident, and wants to be the one to push the situation forward, I'm all for it, I would never ... I don't know, I mean it's hard for me to put myself in a, somebody who identifies as the man's shoes, to say how I would feel about that, but I also feel like if that would make you feel a way, that a woman would ask you to marry them, then maybe you're not ready for marriage.
Erica: I just feel like ... I mean I wish I could sound eloquent about it, but, no, you're a man-
Kenrya: That's not what you want.
Erica: You're supposed to ask me.
Kenrya: So, let me ask you this, what's the difference between you being the first person to say "I love you" because you're feeling it and you want to do it, and you being the person to say, "You know what, I'd like to marry you" because you're feeling it and you want to say it?
Erica: I mean, there's probably no difference, but, again-
Kenrya: Well, no, there is though because you're okay with one but not the other, yeah.
Erica: Well, yeah, patriarchy, I'm still holding on to that bit of whatever was beaten in my head as a young child, shout out to Granny.
Kenrya: Rest in peace.
Erica: Hey, Granny. Yeah, I mean, it's still you kill bugs, you take out trash, and you ask me to marry you. I mean, and, again, we probably will have had that conversation ... I mean, when I got married my first time around, my first and only time around, we had the conversation multiple times, it was just a matter of when it would happen, and I think it had gotten to a point where it was like I knew it was coming and looking around a corner every minute.
Kenrya: Yeah, that was fun.
Erica: Whatever, bitch.
Kenrya: It was fun. We planned the whole situation.
Erica: I definitely remember we went to get ice cream one night, and we were walking back, and he was like, "This is a nice park, let's sit down," I like sat down and started hyperventilating, "It's happening," and then he was like, "Nah, it was just nice, and I wanted to sit down." But, anyway.
Kenrya: That's funny.
Erica: Yeah, I mean, I definitely ... I'm still old-fashioned, but I mean I still hold on to a lot of that because I am very much a "If you my man, I'm going to cook you a meal," you know? Like, that is still part of who I am. Yeah, it's kind of, I don't want to say it's kind of against some of my other views, but-
Kenrya: Don't judge yourself.
Erica: Yeah, but it's just one of the layers that make me a complex little piece of baklava. I was going to say onions, but they stank.
Kenrya: But they so good.
Erica: Baklava's good.
Kenrya: I don't think I've ... I think I'm probably allergic to-
Erica: Yeah, there's pistachios in it.
Kenrya: Yeah, nope, can't have that. When I got married, engaged, whatever, it was-
Erica: A decision.
Kenrya: Yeah, well ... Because, remember ... I was telling him about a friend who was here on a student visa, and she and her partner were planning to get married, but not soon enough, and so they just went to the courthouse and got married so that she would be able to stay in the country long enough for them to go through, you know, do the whole thing that they already had planned. He was like, "We should just go do that." And I was like, "Okay." And then a week later, I had a marriage license, and then a couple days after that-
Erica: I was taking a train up to the city.
Kenrya: Exactly. And then I was married. There was no real ask, it really was just like, "Okay, we're going to do this, all right."
Erica: Do you want an ask in the future?
Kenrya: I do, yeah, I want an ask. And that might be part of the vulnerability part, you know? Like, why it feels like a ... because of the way that it happened before.
Erica: You know, we talked about this a little bit when we were talking about just romanticism, and how so often we want to be the cool, the easy-going, the-
Kenrya: The cool girl.
Erica: The cool girl. And so it's like, "I don't like flowers, because I'm a cool girl." No-
Kenrya: "I don't like Valentine's Day, that's corny."
Erica: I fucking love Valentine's Day, I want big ostentatious displays of your affection for me, and make it happen. So, I think it's great that you're honest with yourself and saying, "No, I want an ask."
Kenrya: I do. I don't know that I want a big public thing, that feels a little ... even though I would say yes if it was ... you know what I mean?
Erica: Yeah, showy.
Kenrya: Yeah. But I don't think I need that whole thing, but I just want something-
Erica: So, we'll scratch Nat's Ballpark out the-
Kenrya: Oh, God, that sounds terrible to me, personally.
Erica: Yeah, we'll scratch that off, but we will make sure we get-
Kenrya: Just something romantic and sweet and thoughtful, that actually seems like it's about asking me, and not just any person, you know what I mean?
Kenrya: So, yeah, I do want that.
Erica: Okay. That's cool. That's sweet. Okay, so, let's get to the nasty part of the story.
Erica: He growled.
Kenrya: And bit her, and I was like, "Yes, bite."
Erica: Yeah, when she said growling, I was like, "Ooh, yeah." There's something about when you're having sex with someone, like I enjoy someone talking shit, but just being in it, like looking in your eye, growling, yes. Growling? Oh my God.
Kenrya: Where it's clear they can't contain themselves, like being able to hear and see and feel that? Yeah.
Erica: Yeah, yeah. Do you grunt, growl, moan?
Kenrya: I am a moaner, I am loud. I am not a "Yeah," I am not a "We fin' do this real quiet in this space," because I also, when I'm in it, I'm like, "I don't give a fuck, let's go." So, there's very often a pillow that is handed to me.
Erica: "Shut up, bitch."
Kenrya: And I'm like, "Don't give a fuck, let's do this." Yeah, I'm a all-of-the-sounds-er. Yeah, I'm pretty fucking loud.
Erica: Well, your nickname for this episode is "Sounder." Wasn't that a dog?
Kenrya: Isn't that a fucking dog?
Erica: Yeah. New, like, "Old Yeller," ABC Family cousin-
Kenrya: But it was Black ... No, it was like-
Erica: Oh, okay, well then fuck that, he's the real Old Yeller.
Kenrya: Yes, exactly.
Erica: He's the OG Old Yeller. Fuck a Old Yeller. I think I ... I make noise. Yeah, I make lots of noise.
Erica: Yeah, but it's more just a like ... I work out-
Kenrya: So, you be sore?
Erica: No, but it's one of those, like, when you breathe through ... you know, like, when you do yoga, and they're like, "Breathe through the stretch," like I am like breathing through the action, you know? Like, shit, you got to ... girl, some good breathing will get that-
Kenrya: Oh, it'll get you there, absolutely.
Erica: Yeah, get that orgasm from your pussy to your toenail.
Kenrya: You know, I'm a "Oh, fuck" can't contain myself.
Erica: No, I definitely-
Kenrya: I'm screaming, yeah.
Erica: Yeah, I make noise like that, but it's a lot of like, "Ohh," which is so weird because when I'm in yoga and they're like, "Bend over. Now breathe through it," that's sounds like me fucking.
Kenrya: That's what it sounds like. That's funny.
Erica: That and macaroni and cheese. You remember that someone was like, "Good sex sound like you stirring a pot of macaroni and cheese"?
Kenrya: Yes. Oh, God.
Erica: Sex with me sounds like-
Kenrya: Both making it and eating it?
Erica: Doing yoga over a pot of macaroni and cheese. Have you blacked out during sex?
Kenrya: No, I have never blacked out during sex. However, I'm usually super unsteady after. Like, try to get up, bitch, hold on to this doorframe. Like, depleted.
Erica: Yeah, I mean, I don't think I've ever blacked out, I thought it was really cool how he was like, "I'm not really cool with-
Kenrya: Fucking an unconscious woman. Yeah, I was like, "Thank you. Consent."
Erica: Fucking consenting. And I thought it was great that she wrote that in there.
Kenrya: Yeah, and that they had a quick conversation about condoms, as well.
Erica: Yes. Again, we will always highlight those kinds of things-
Erica: Because I feel like that makes it-
Erica: Adds to the authenticity of it.
Erica: I have never blacked out during sex, but I have definitely had such powerful orgasms where I kind of like see stars, and I'm like, "Wait, hold on. What's happening here?"
Kenrya: Yeah, where you just feel kind of dizzy-
Erica: Just kind of like ... I mean I guess you could ... I mean, I've blacked out, but not like collapsed out, woke up three hours later, "What happened?" But just on some like, "Whoa, shit, hey, we here."
Kenrya: Yeah, or like, "Wait, I need a minute, I can't keep going because they didn't cum yet, but I need a minute."
Erica: Yeah, "Don't touch me. Don't touch me-
Kenrya: Yes, "Before I can do this again," absolutely.
Erica: Was it because of him, or something you were doing?
Kenrya: I mean, I like to think of it as a dance. So, a little bit of both. It's usually a combination of ... So, it depends on the position, because I have different types of orgasms, obviously, depending on the position.
Erica: Uh-huh (affirmative).
Kenrya: So, like-
Erica: Eyes in the back of my head thing, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Kenrya: So, it'll depend on the position, how much tension I'm able to get going in my limbs, because that's really key, how hard he's holding me. If I can yell, because I actually find that when I have to suppress my sound, the orgasm is not as intense because I'm literally keeping myself from feeling the full complements of it because I can't react to it all the way. So, when there are no children in the house, and I can just let loose, I find that it is a stronger orgasm. So, it's like a combination of things. What about you?
Erica: I've never thought about ... Yeah, I'm not really fucking with my kids in the crib.
Kenrya: Yeah, yeah, yeah, in the house.
Erica: Yeah, I guess you're right, it is a complement of it all. I'm pretty good at making it happen, I'm pretty good at just, "Oh, I'm cumming today."
Erica: But the black-out ones, yeah, it's a combination of everything that has gone into it. It's typically, also, after just a ignorant I'm-about-to-tap-out round of foreplay, where it's just like, "Whew, I can't take this no more and the dick coming?" Wooh.
Kenrya: Yeah, yeah.
Erica: The black-out orgasms are usually complemented by a nigga growling in my ear.
Kenrya: Okay, so, I have recently discovered that my ear is a big ... like, I never-
Erica: Like, licking it? Or, like, talking?
Kenrya: Like, talking in it.
Erica: Yeah, uh-huh.
Kenrya: Real close, where I can fucking feel the breath-
Erica: So I can feel your hot breath in my ear, oh my God.
Kenrya: Yo, I had never ... that was never a thing I had ever done with anybody, and that is something that my partnered introduced like a month ago, and I can't ... sometimes I legit be like, "Yo, you not allowed to do that tonight," like, "I can't take that. I'm not allowed to be as loud as I need to be tonight-
Erica: I was about to say, how you going to stop that man?
Kenrya: Because, God, it's so intense, in concert with everything else that is happening, that I can't.
Erica: See, there is nothing like just minding your business-
Kenrya: Ooh, fuck.
Erica: Cooking, doing something, minding your business, and a nigga walking up to, grabbing you by the ass and whispering something nasty in your ear, like hot growly in your ear.
Erica: Oh my gosh. I'm like, "Fuck that spaghetti."
Kenrya: I had never experienced that before, and I was like, "Oh my God." Such a simple thing, but it takes things over the top, in a really good way.
Erica: It's really cool how you're realizing new, what is it, erogenous, androgynous-
Kenrya: Erogenous zones.
Erica: Erogenous zones. Androgynous zones.
Kenrya: I mean, that, too. At this ripe age of my-
Erica: This ripe age. That is why we're here, this is an exploration. So, we ain't doing it right if we're not learning new things.
Kenrya: It's true.
Erica: So, there was this part in the story where she talks about ... Alexandria does a great job of describing all the different senses that go into a really good session. And she's like, "I got to pee, but I don't," all the little bits of information feeding into your brain and what that feels like in your body, she dud ... dud, past tense of did, the super past tense of did ... which does a really great job of just adding to the sensuality-
Kenrya: And putting you right there.
Kenrya: And connecting it, probably, to a past experience, right, because you can go, "I remember when I felt that thing."
Erica: Yeah, because you're ... especially with someone ... because I think, for me, what stood out about this scene with the two of them is that she was just so surprised, I mean because she seems like the type of woman, the way it's written, she seems like the type of woman that knows her own body, and knows what to do and how to do it-
Kenrya: Yeah, especially because she kept saying that she cums quickly, I'm like, "Oh, well you got some ..." you know, because most people, that's not really a thing, it takes a while to be able to get to that point.
Erica: Yeah. And she knows what to feel and all of that, but he tapped into something different, and was able to make her feel good in all these different ways, when she was like, "I'm uncomfortable, yet loving it and wanting it, but not wanting him to do it again."
Kenrya: And a little scared, yeah. And it was their very first time having sex.
Kenrya: Which, again, not a common thing. Ooh.
Kenrya: So, have you ever, like the very first time you had sex with somebody, had it be like some you-see-stars shit, like the first time? Like, how common is that for you? Or does it usually take a few times of getting to know each other's bodies before you can get to that?
Erica: Generally, yeah. My current partner, the first time, it was like, "Oh, shit." Part of it could have been ... Part of it probably was because we are at a distance, we're long-distance, so we had to do a lot of talking, and so he already knew what I liked, and I already knew what he liked, and so we kind of came in with crib notes. But, even with that, it was just like ... you know, men, I feel like some guys really know how to put effort into pleasing their partner. And then, other times, they swear they know what they doing, and it's like-
Kenrya: Nigga ...
Erica: You were just stabbing at my pussy, you know? And I feel like my partner knew, like it just ... it was a dance, and we both knew each other's situation, and so, yeah, the first time, it was like, "Whoa. Oh, this what you doing, this is pretty fucking dope." And I do find that ... I hate to sound ... well, fuck it. If it's not good from the beginning, then-
Kenrya: It's hard for you to want to go back to that, yeah.
Erica: It's hard for me to want to go back. And I mean I'm not saying it has to be seeing stars, but I'm saying that there's got to be some sort of rhythm. I mean it's like dancing-
Kenrya: It can't be awkward, right?
Kenrya: Like, if it seems like y'all can't at all, y'all not listening to the same song, then maybe you will never be able to listen to the same song.
Erica: Yeah, and I'm not going to listen to that song again with you.
Erica: Yeah, no, I'm good. Because dick is abundant and low in value. If yo' dick ain't working right with me, then I can go back to the steaming pile of trash-
Kenrya: Of dicks.
Erica: Shake another dick off and, "Let's see if this one works." What about you?
Kenrya: Yeah, typically, especially in the last few years, it's been good out the gate.
Erica: Do you think it's more you knowing your body?
Kenrya: I do.
Erica: Or just getting better ... your picker has gotten better?
Kenrya: You know, I think it's a combination of those two things. Yeah, I think I am much better at knowing what it is that I like, and being able to vocalize that, because I think sometimes you can know what it is but not be able to express it, and whether it's because you don't have the vocabulary or because you are somehow not able to assert yourself in that way, and I don't have that problem. And, yeah, I'm just picking better people to have sex with, I'm looking at the red flags that come up before that tell me that this person is a misogynist, or this person is awful in various ways, and able to know how that's going to translate to us fucking, and able to back out of that situation before it gets there.
Erica: Yeah, because, also, trash men are, a lot of times-
Kenrya: Sometimes they serve good dick.
Erica: Some of them serve good dick, but some of them are just trash garbage because, again, it is a give and take-
Kenrya: They're selfish.
Erica: Yeah, it's more than just you getting off. It's are you listening to how my body ... Do you hear my breath quickening? Do you hear the "Oh, shit"? Just listen and go with it, and if you're self-absorbed and narcissistic-
Kenrya: Then it's going to be-
Erica: My good midwestern tongue, sorry. Nine times out of 10, you're not listening for-
Kenrya: Right, for those things.
Erica: Those context clues about me giving you some.
Kenrya: Or you are, and you're narcicisstic and you're super manipulative, and you're able to hold it up because you can hold the mask for a little while, and then that shit falls, and it's revealed that it's literally all about you, you just did enough to get me hooked.
Kenrya: Yeah. So, yeah, my current situation, right out the fucking gate, it was wonderful. And it's great because, because we both enjoy it so much, we work, and, honestly, I'll be honest, he works more than I do at bringing new stuff in all the time, because ...
Erica: Yeah, you're like, "Uh."
Kenrya: I'm like, "This is great."
Erica: I have this book to edit.
Kenrya: Right. But he's really good at introing new shit without telling me until I feel it and I'm like, "Oh, shit. The fuck?" It's a nice surprise.
Erica: That is ... We're going to have to dig a little deeper into that one, in an upcoming episode. So, Sage, our protagonist, I'm going to learn the right word-
Kenrya: That's her name.
Erica: Our main character.
Kenrya: No, protagonist is good.
Erica: So, Sage, one of the things I also really like about this scene is that she cums a lot before he cums.
Kenrya: Yes, ma'am. Unapologetically.
Erica: Yeah, she's like, "Yeah." So, I cum quickly, too. Like, I kind of feel bad for men when they be like, "He cum quick," I'm like, "Meh. I do," like, "Why we going to be mad at him?" Like, I've literally like ... was having sex with this dude, the moment he put it in I came and I was like-
Kenrya: Had there been a bunch of foreplay before that?
Erica: It was like an ignorant amount of foreplay, I came multiple times during foreplay. And then the minute he stuck it in, I was like, "I ain't got it no more."
Kenrya: Oh, wait, so then you took your ball and went home?
Erica: No, I did not. I did not. But I was not playing ball as aggressively as I could have been because I was so-
Kenrya: Because you already got yours, you was tired, you was spent.
Erica: Girl, I was ... the reverberate, what's the refractory, olfactory period?
Kenrya: Refractory period.
Erica: I'm like somebody grandpa with these vocabulary terms. Defractionation periods. Anyway, it was just so bad. So, I love the fact that she came multiple times before he came, and the fact that he enjoyed-
Kenrya: Getting her there.
Erica: Getting her there.
Kenrya: Yeah, and it wasn't at all about, "Oh, well, you know, I need to get mine," he just was very focused on her cumming, and I like that when he was like, "I want to taste you," she was like, "Well, shit, I'm not going to stop you." It wasn't like, "Oh, well, you know, let me ... you already did me, let me do ..." uh-huh.
Erica: No, who am I to deny you your desires?
Kenrya: I mean ...
Erica: I am a bad bitch after all, why wouldn't you?
Kenrya: "Let's go." Yeah, I appreciated that.
Erica: Happy wedding.
Erica: Yeah. All right, so, one of the big themes in this story, and I actually find it funny, so this guy is a Hotep, and, to me, Hotep is a derogatory ... I mean, in the traditional-
Kenrya: We know it means "peace". Listen, we know what the word means.
Erica: But as a woman, as a Black woman, in the Washington, D.C. area, with a short natural hairdo, I attract my fair share of Hoteps.
Kenrya: Yo, same, with this afro.
Erica: Like, I have ... I remember, I went out with this guy, and we were at some restaurant, and he looks at me and is like, "You don't eat pork, right?" I was like-
Kenrya: "Based on what, my nigga?"
Erica: "Nigga ... What? I am from the Midwest." I personally feel like it is doing my ancestors a disservice if I don't eat pork. I was like, "How you just going to make that assumption?" But it was-
Kenrya: Based on your hair.
Erica: It was the hair. And so I have dated my fair share of Hoteps. In the story, I find it really funny that Sage has no problem calling Neil a Hotep-
Kenrya: Yeah, several times, yeah.
Erica: Like, "You a Hotep, right? What y'all do in Hotep land? Where'd you go to Hotep school?"
Kenrya: It felt very authentic in that this is an archetype of a man that I think most of us, living in metropolitan areas as Black women, have encountered at some point or another.
Kenrya: I really appreciated that, because I'd never seen him in print before.
Erica: Yeah, but ... Yes, and I think that Alexandria did a really good job of making him not full Hotep.
Kenrya: Yes, and, also, just not one note. Like, he's got a lot.
Erica: Yeah, because even when they have the "Are you a Hotep?" conversation, he was like, "I mean, can we not use that word?" because Hotep is-
Kenrya: He's like, "People tend to have this negative thing about it, and I think that some of them go way too far."
Erica: Exactly. And he was like, "I don't like the negative women stuff," and so I thought it was really great that that was a part of the conversation. So, have you dated-
Kenrya: Bitch, you can't even say it straight because you already know.
Erica: Kenrya, have you ever dated a Hotep?
Kenrya: Yes. Yes, I have. It was terrible.
Erica: What was the moment that you knew you were dating ... Like, what was your ... I mean, because the thing is you probably-
Kenrya: You're about to say something ignorant as fuck.
Erica: So, the thing is, we all know that we've dated Hoteps, but what is the moment where you look into the camera and be like-
Kenrya: "This nigga's a Hotep."
Erica: "I'm dating a Hotep."
Kenrya: I mean, the shady answer is the first time he said "lie-berry". I was like, "Oh, no."
Erica: "We going to the lie-berry."
Kenrya: Yeah, no. Honestly, it was when he started talking to me about polygamy. After we-
Erica: And you literally looked into the camera and was like, "This nigga a Hotep."
Kenrya: Yeah. Like, about how our lives could be easier, and he tried to give me a book from the master teacher, Malachi Z. York.
Erica: Was that the guy on the cult's episode?
Kenrya: Yes. Which I did not realize at the time, I was green as fuck, and I wasn't from New York, so I didn't know that this was like a whole ... like, the Nuwaubian Nation was like a fucking cult, like I didn't know any of these things, I just thought he was eccentric. But then he started bringing books home, and like legit trying to talk me into this ... I mean, eventually, I guess, he was trying to bring me into a cult. He was trying to talk me into this-
Erica: Cult, bitch, cult.
Kenrya: Yo. Yeah.
Erica: And the thing is, I think-
Kenrya: So, perhaps my situation was extreme.
Erica: But you said he was eccentric.
Kenrya: Yeah, I didn't take it seriously. I was ...
Erica: I think that there's always this balance between you got a guy, he's got his thing, this is a little weird, but whatever, I mean, you know ...
Kenrya: And I didn't know-
Erica: My man will probably be like, "Yeah, my girl sits in her closet with her best friend, talking about dicks, once a month." So, everyone has their thing that we don't quite understand, and so you try to respect it.
Erica: Especially when you love someone.
Kenrya: Well, and, also, I was in my 20s, like not to say that we're dummies in our 20s, but I didn't have a lot of life experience. And I had no idea ... Like, when I first met him, he was talking about metaphysics, and that should have been my clue. But I had never heard the word "Hotep" at that point, I didn't know any of the markers and signs to look for, I didn't know that misogyny is often a huge feature of these men, where they are very pro-Black, which is awesome, but that oftentimes what creeps in is that they are anti-woman. I didn't know any of these things, and I learned, over the course of a relationship that moved much too fast, that those were things that, for him at least, were a huge part of his outlook on life, and that they were obviously going to impact me because I was in close proximity to him.
Erica: Wooh, girl.
Kenrya: Yeah. So then, of course, once I was back out on the market in more recent times, like after being married, being divorced, dating again, going to therapy, doing the man sabbatical thing that we talked about on a previous episode, when I was finally healthy and able to come back to dating with a frame that was not codependent and actually had some concrete things that I was looking for and that I was not looking for, I ran smack dab into Hoteps. Like, as soon as I got on the apps; but, by then, I knew what to look for.
Erica: Yeah, because I think Hotep men are attractive, initially, because it's this the veneer of "I love Black women, I love Black people," and you're like, "Oh my gosh, finally someone that appreciates me for the things that I-
Kenrya: That you've gotten derision for before.
Kenrya: Yeah, they love your short hair, they love your natural hair, they love your dark skin, they love all these things, they say.
Erica: Yeah, but they don't love everything that's about you.
Kenrya: Or anything that feels like a challenge to them.
Erica: I like to talk about sucking dick, and it's okay. I like wearing pants, and it's okay.
Kenrya: I like not sharing my man, that's okay, too.
Erica: And that's okay; if you do, that's great. Find you that person, but that's not for-
Kenrya: Right. I always used to say, I was like, "This is not what I signed up for," I was like, "I don't have any problems with polygamy or polyamory or any of those things, as a structure, I think that they work for some people really well," I was like, "But that should have been a conversation that we had way in the beginning."
Erica: You can't throw polygamy on me, that's like ...
Kenrya: "That's not what I signed up for," that's what I used to always say.
Erica: You throwing "I don't eat pork" on me, okay, great, I'll figure something out. You saying, "Let me bring in another wife" is a whole different story-
Erica: If that's not what we-
Kenrya: Agreed upon to begin with. Exactly.
Kenrya: So, that was always my thing. I'm like, "If this is what works for you, you should find somebody that wants to live that life with you, and go be happy."
Erica: And you know what, I think, and maybe we'll just put a pin in this and delve a little deeper into it when we talk about polygamy and polyamory, but I think that there's a correlation between that and Hotepness, but I think that it's ... I don't know where I'm trying ... I'm trying to say it's not-
Kenrya: Well, the polygamy part of it, not the polyamory, because you can't fuck other people.
Erica: Exactly, that's what I'm trying to say. Like, I think you find, you run across some Hotep men that are all for multiple wives, and these throuples and all of that, but I think that gives-
Kenrya: As long as they have the only dick in the equation.
Erica: True polygamists and polyamorous people a bad name because from what I'm learning, and I am not in the lifestyle or whatever, but from what I'm learning, polygamists and polyamorous relationships take a lot of giving and sacrifice-
Kenrya: A lot of fucking communication, and honesty. Yeah.
Erica: Exactly. And I don't think that quite jives with Hotep men, in the sense of what we're talking about.
Kenrya: Yeah, I would agree, from what I've experienced.
Erica: Yeah. So, I'd like to dig-
Kenrya: Delve into that one day.
Erica: Dig into that a little deeper. Is there anything else about the story that stood out to you?
Erica: Okay, well, that is it for this episode of The Turn On.
Kenrya: Wait, y'all, so y'all can't see her nails, I've been sitting here looking at these hot-ass hot-pink nails-
Erica: Oh, these are my ho-pink nails.
Kenrya: Bitch, they are beautiful.
Erica: They're a little short, I'd definitely like ... I've realized that I like long dick-grabbing nails.
Erica: They're short just because I got a lot going on in my life, and I'd like to be able to-
Kenrya: Use your hands?
Erica: Use my hands, and not in a dick-grabbing sense, but they won't get cut for a while, and I definitely think I'm going to stick with this.
Kenrya: It's beautiful.
Erica: This is like Barbie hot pink. Thank you so much.
Kenrya: Yeah, they're great, I love them.
Erica: I got to show Munch because I know she'll-
Kenrya: She will appreciate.
Erica: Quick story. We're all on vacation, at dinner, her daughter looks me in the eye and is like, "I want to let my nails grow, but my momma won't let me."
Kenrya: Sweetie, I'm sitting right here.
Erica: She said it like, "This disrespectful woman."
Kenrya: I'm like, "You still in single digits, get away from me."
Erica: Okay, anyway, so, that wraps us up-
Kenrya: That wraps up.
Erica: For this week's episode of The Turn On. Thank you so much for joining us, these are your hosts, Erica and Kenrya, two hoes making it clap.
Erica: This episode was produced by us, Erica and Kenrya, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme song is from Brazy. First, please leave a review in your favorite podcast-listening app. For real, we want to hear from y'all, send your book recommendations and all the burning sex and related questions you want us to answer to TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com. And please subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app. Follow us on Twitter, @TheTurnOnPod, and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. And find lists of books, transcripts, guest info, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. Bye.
The Turn On
The Turn On is a podcast for Black people who want to get off. To open their minds. To learn. To be part of a community. To show that we love and fuck too, and it doesn't have to be political or scandalous or dirty. Unless we want it to be.