Category: Mailbag

Quickie 25 | Mailbag

1/13/2021

Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live With Disabilities, Chronic Pain and Illness | Bookshop | Amazon
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TRANSCRIPT
Kenrya: Come here. Get off.

[theme music]

Erica: Hey, hey y'all. So this week we are going to give you a mailbag episode of the Turn On. So with that said, Killa, get us started.

Kenrya: Okay. All right, our first question reads, “The hubs and I have been hyper-focused on eating right and working out. We're both slimming and getting more energy, but now I'm the one trying to keep up. My old tricks aren't working anymore because someone has way more stamina than me. I can't tell if this is age, menopause, or if I need to run more to catch up. The other night, I was ready to tap out like a wrestler. Help!”

Erica: Okay. Ooh. Okay. This is hilarious because I recently...

Kenrya: You're not at the mic. We can't hear you.

Erica: Oh, I'm sorry. Here's the [inaudible 00:00:56] in here. Okay. So this one's hilarious to me because I recently got back in the saddle after-

Kenrya: In the sex saddle?

Erica: I got back in the sex saddle y'all. Your lovely co-host's cheeks are getting clapped again. I'm sorry, I didn't want to make it an announcement, but yes.

Kenrya: I mean, why not?

Erica: A bitch did. And this particular person is super athletic, doing all the things. And I've literally been laying around like a slug since January. Bitch, I almost died. Legit had to be like, "Okay, you got to give me a second." You have to give me a second. I mean, it's good, but also a bitch's body is just a mess. So I think that you need to, one, work on your stamina and your cardio just because we want to be living and having these good, healthy sex lives for a really long time. One of the things that I've learned is even when you old, it all should work. It might work slower, but it all should work. So we want to make sure that we have these bodies around that can withstand all the good sexing that we're doing. But while you're waiting for your body to catch up with your pussy's needs, I would say research some good positions. Try to find some good positions that you can use that aren't necessarily as load bearing on them thighs and knees and things.

Kenrya: Yes. That's a good idea.

Erica: But I am good for good. I told y'all my favorite position is laying out... Both of us laying on the side because I like a good, slow stroke. Do that. I mean, granted, he might be all excited and things. And also, we have a long list of items and activities... Not activities. Items and sex toys that we've been featuring in our what's turning us on segments. That will be really great as assistive devices. So try that, and then also... I actually just started a book. Just started, meaning I'm still in the prologue, but a book about sex with sex among people with different abilities. And so I feel like there's probably something there too. So yeah, do some Googling. It's okay to try to... Because you probably going to find some good interesting stuff as you try to adapt and make things a little bit easier on them knees, thighs, gut, and butts.

Kenrya: Yes. I would add that sometimes stamina looks like, oh, because I heard you mention menopause like, oh, I'm feeling kind of dried out or a little tender down there. So I would also kind of read up on your lube and maybe it's time for you to try something that's a little... Got a little bit more slip to it than whatever y'all have been using. Also, sometimes I know for me when my stamina isn't what I want it to be, and not just in the bedroom, but just in general. I find that it's because I've been missing out on a couple of key things that I need.

Kenrya: So I don't eat meat, so B12 is hard to come by for me. I always can feel the difference when I don't have B12 in my system like I'm supposed to. So I use a liquid version that I drop under my tongue. As always, I'll remind y'all that we are not doctors and you should always consult with your primary care physician before adding things to your regimen. But I find that B12 helps with keeping me up. As E mentioned, we have things including lubes that we recommend on our what's turning us on page, and also in the show notes for each episode. And vitamin D.

Erica: So both kinds.

Kenrya: We are Black people and the sun adores us and we need the sun. And with us being quarantined if we doing that how we supposed to be doing it, you may be lacking on the vitamin D and that can also impact your energy levels. So you may want to consider making sure you're getting enough of that. Whether if it needs to be via a separate vitamin into your diet to help with your energy levels, and that can translate well when you're having sex too, so.

Erica: Also, one of the things that I have been doing as I've been going through chemo and radiation and now I'm on hormonal therapy is I've been doing acupuncture, and it has been amazing for me. So definitely try some acupuncture. There are various lubes. I actually just started using one as a daily lube because I'm in a medically induced menopause, and so one of the things that I hear is a problem is dry pussies. And I want to keep my WAP wappy. So I've been using this daily lube that you put on you, and it has... It has vitamin E and some things that kind of help your body keep everything-

Kenrya: Keep your tissues moist.

Erica: Loose and lubed up. So yeah, that's something else to think about.

Kenrya: Next up, we have a question that reads, “My wife and I are still having great sex after over 10 years of being together. However, I like to spice things up and have some sort of sexual adventure, but I don't want it to be the pool girl is rolling up and telling all our business years later.” Yeah. “I like the idea that I heard on your show of a sex club with the Black people, but I don't know. I'm very private.” So I guess the question is how can they spice it up in a way that lets them continue to be private citizens and not have their business out in the streets. In these streets.

Erica: In these skreets. Sexting is always great. I'm always down for some sexting. Sending each other naughty videos and things like that. I also think that there is a... I wouldn't mind doing some... Sex clubs are done for now anyway. Let's be real.

Kenrya: Yeah. Unfortunately with this virus situation, I wouldn't. I don't know that I'll ever feel comfortable being in that situation again.

Erica: Yeah. But I also do think that we can embrace the internet more. And so maybe y'all do... Maybe y'all do a nasty video. Record some porn, y'all put on some Luchador mask, whatever. I mean, I think that there's way, unless you have super identifiable tattoos, I think there's ways to anonymously keep it-

Kenrya: And they can engage with people on OnlyFans in private settings, that kind of thing. So they can virtually introduce someone into the conversation, right, while still keeping their identities intact.

Erica: Yeah. So the OnlyFans, you pretty much... OnlyFans, you need subscribers. And getting subscribers is you're getting people to commit to paying X dollars a month. So it might be difficult. [crosstalk 00:09:32].

Kenrya: Maybe then that's not the service.

Erica: Yeah. It might be diff... I mean, you can set up your OnlyFans and then run a special where you get a month free, you might get some people. But there's still a level of marketing that I think makes it a little more... I mean, if you want to do that, then great. But if you're like, we just trying to spice it up, I ain't trying to take on a whole fucking project. I think there are...

Kenrya: Oh no, that's not what I was saying. I was saying for them to engage with other people. So someone who had [crosstalk 00:09:59]

Erica: Oh, so sign, I'm thinking of... See, look where my head at. I'm thinking we going to make our own OnlyFans page.

Kenrya: Got to make some money. Yeah, no. I'm saying so that they can... Yeah, they can... And maybe OnlyFans isn't it. Maybe there's some other sites where you can connect with people privately.

Erica: Twitter.

Kenrya: Yeah.

Erica: There are lots of sex workers on Twitter, and a lot of them do custom videos. So maybe you want them to do a JOI, which is a jerk off instruction video. So you have a talent, I can't think of the word. But you have someone guiding the two of you through something. I think that there are lots of ways to, especially now that everything is becoming, we're becoming more interested in things virtually. I think that that's something that you can do and remain anonymous.

Kenrya: Yeah.

Erica: Also, I haven't tried this, but I have a good friend who has a VR headset, and he has been enjoying VR porn.

Kenrya: I didn't even know that was a thing.

Erica: Girl. So the thing is sex is on the cusp of all technology.

Kenrya: Everything. Yeah, it's always the bleeding edge use of... Yeah. So that makes total sense.

Erica: Yeah. So...

Kenrya: There's also sex dolls.

Erica: Yes.

Kenrya: Which is a very real thing.

Erica: Or do a threesome, and find somebody that has as much to lose as y'all. I always say-

Kenrya: It's just this virus, man.

Erica: Oh, yeah. I mean, well, you got to take your time and-

Kenrya: Vet properly.

Erica: Vet and all that. But I say all the time, find you somebody who if y'all... If your business gets out, they business gets out, they stand... I don't want to say stand to lose as much, but have them sign a nondisclosure. Yeah. And don't be afraid, you can find them online.

Kenrya: Yeah, seriously.

Erica: So yeah. Just because you're a private people, there are ways to spice it up. I'd say lean heavily upon the internet, the interwebs. Find you a good sex worker on Twitter, or somebody that you... That tickles your pickle, you and your spouse's pickle, you and your partner's pickle, and slide them a DM. How much would it cost for a custom video? You'd be surprised at the cost.

Kenrya: Yeah. Also, I mean, I'm reading she said that she and her wife want to have some... A sexual adventure. I'm thinking sometimes an adventure is just having sex in a different place, right. So depending on what your level of adventure is, maybe that means that you drive down to a major street somewhere in your city and...

Erica: Pull over and get it on.

Kenrya: Have sex in your car. Exactly. If you got, I don't know, tinted windows in the back so y'all not readily observable, but it still feels like you are because there's people around. Or if there's, I don't know... See, I don't know what's open, but hotel bathrooms are always good because they're always clean. And very often they have doors that go all the way down to the floor. So you can have a little bit more, at least the illusion. Exactly. Even the illusion of privacy. I can't tell you how many times I've been in the bathroom and the whole time be like, "Noted. This is a spot to come back to."

Erica: You see how excited I was about the Ritz-Carlton.

Kenrya: Exactly. There are ways that you can do the things that you normally do, but perhaps in different places that feel like more of a spice up if that's not the way that y'all usually roll. And then of course, we always come back to introducing new toys into the bedroom. That's can be a way for y'all to spice it up. I mean, I don't know. I don't know what y'all use, but I bet you that there's some shit out there that y'all ain't never used before that you can bring in. Yeah. That's what I got.

Erica: Okay. I like it.

Kenrya: Dope.

Erica: I like it. So what else you got?

Kenrya: Lean into the virtual. Okay. “How do you properly prep for anal so that it is an enjoyable experience for all?”

Erica: Ooh, the dookie shoot.

Kenrya: Well, that's not making it any better.

Erica: First, you got to get out your head. You got to get out your head. First, get out your head. Second, I have a little bulb kit where I wash the-

Kenrya: The anal douche situation.

Erica: Yeah, anal douche. Where I wash my little butthole.

Kenrya: So with that you just put water in it, you squeeze it up in there while you're over the toilet.

Erica: Uh-huh (affirmative). And it just kind of cleans everything out. I wouldn't recommend an enema just because I don't think you're going up that far. But maybe I'm just a-

Kenrya: Yeah.

Erica: Maybe I'm just a-

Kenrya: I don't do well with enemas, they always make me vomit. I know.

Erica: I don't even know how that... Okay. Yeah.

Kenrya: It's because as the toxins are being removed from your body, your body wants to expel them in all the ways. Have you ever had a colonic? It's actually a very common thing that can happen when you have a colonic.

Erica: I had a colonic and had an enema, but at that point I was just...

Kenrya: Girl.

Erica: Shitting water.

Kenrya: Both have made me poop... Made me vomit.

Erica: Oh, it is the worst.

Kenrya: I'm very sensitive to them.

Erica: But please y'all, get colonoscopies.

Kenrya: Yes. I've had one of those. So we're recording this not too long after Chadwick's death, right?

Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Kenrya: I guess this is our PSA. I had one because I was having some... My booty just didn't feel right. And I went in and got one, and surprisingly, my doctor actually found a polyp. It was not cancerous, but because I got it, I now... Because I had it, I now have to have colonics every five years. And I will go. Even though it is-

Erica: Colonoscopies.

Kenrya: Yes, a colonoscopy. Thank you. It does not hurt, you don't feel anything, you are asleep. The prep is much worse than the actual procedure. You don't feel shit with the procedure, you just get the good drugs [crosstalk 00:15:52].

Erica: You get the good drugs.

Kenrya: And then you wake up, then you nicely... It's not even that long. I mean, that part was nothing at all whatsoever. It was the prep that wasn't fantastic. But you know what? We do it so that we can stay safe because colon cancer disproportionately kills Black people.

Erica: Yep.

Kenrya: So, PSA.

Erica: PSA.

Kenrya: Get that done.

Erica: The more you know. Okay. So yeah, I-

Kenrya: So you clean.

Erica: I clean, I get out of my head, and I just use a whole fuck ton of lube. Also for me, I think we touched on this, I got to be loose. You got to work for that. You just ain't going to stick it in my butt. I wish I was a pro and could just go and open up, but I can't.

Kenrya: That's always amazing to me when I'm watching something and then it just opens, and I'm like, "Bitch, look at you."

Erica: Look at you. But hey, we ain't all like LeBron James, we're all not booty bandits.

Kenrya: What? That was not LeBron, that's Odell. With the poop?

Erica: No, I didn't even talk about that. I'm just talking about how LeBron James is a really good basketball player. And so he's a pro at it, and we're not pros and we're not booty bandits because we're not pros at anal sex.

Kenrya: No. That didn't translate. It just sound like you was calling LeBron a booty bandit, which is fine.

Erica: Okay. I'll cut that part out because I-

Kenrya: That's not accurate.

Erica: That's [inaudible 00:17:15].

Kenrya: Anyway.

Erica: So I have to come multiple times. I need to be just...

Kenrya: Vaginally before that.

Erica: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got to work for it. You got to be putting in work before I open up for you. And then communicate. Talk. This hurts, slow down. Also, I think it's important to know that you have two sphincters. So there's one here, there's an outside and then an inner one. Getting it through the outside one is fine, it's getting it through the inner one where it's like, oh, hey, oh. So just go slow, use lots of lube, get out your head, and breathe.

Kenrya: Yeah. So I have some others. One is if you are planning on having anal either with a large strap or with a large penis, you may need to prepare the space in terms of opening it up. That is something that I have to do so I have trainers. Basically little plugs that you can use. You can use them just for pleasure at other times, and a lot of people get pleasure in training with them too. But they basically, you put them in there to open the space up. They come in all different sizes. You can work your way up to larger sizes, but they're super useful in kind of preparing the space. Also CBD suppositories are super useful for relaxing the area. Yeah.

Erica: Yes. We have a coupon code with the company Foria.

Kenrya: Yeah, that's the kind we both use. They are amazing and they're also great if you have cramps. I use them for my periods, I also use them for anal. They are very versatile. But they just relax everything. They relax you and they relax your sphincters and they make it much easier for things to make their way in. I'm not a fan of numbing creams and lotions.

Erica: Yeah. Please don't use that because the pain tells you that something's wrong.

Kenrya: Exactly. And if you can't feel it, then you can't stop things so that you don't hurt yourself. And so I like these because it literally just opens everything up so that it's just easier to get in and you're not having the pain because... Yes. Because your booty hole is open. Yeah. Also, yeah, I like also to have a vaginal orgasm beforehand, as well as a massage or just something that overall relaxes me and gets me to that point where this is the next thing, and it's just a complement to all of the other things that are happening. So that by the time it comes, I'm like, "Yes." And it's much easier that way. Also position is important. Different people need it from different angles. It's really just a matter of experimenting with your partner to figure out what feels the best for you.`

Erica: Yeah.

Kenrya: I think those are the key things. All right. You want to do one more?

Erica: Yeah, one more.

Kenrya: Okay. Let's see. All right. This question is, “What sex tip or,” it has myth in parentheses, “do you swear by, but have no goddamn proof about?”

Erica: So I'll go first.

Kenrya: Okay.

Erica: It's not even a myth, but I am convinced... Well, everyone knows when I drink, I get real friendly. I'm like, "I love you. You're the best. You're the best friend." Also, I'm like, "Hey, boo. Let's..." I'm calling you. I'm calling you, and we about to do some nasty things. But if you want to see... If you want the platinum level package of Erica, give me some vodka. And it's so horrible. And I mean, I'm assuming all the liquor is the same, but if you want platinum... Brown liquor Erica, she going to have fun, she going to turn up, she might promise you some nasty things in the car on the way home. Vodka level Erica is, you going to get promised the nasty things and I'm going to deliver it. And probably even more. You're going to lay there with your genitals smoking. Wait. Ooh, not that. You're going to lay there like, "Goddamn, she won't leave me alone." So it's not really a myth, but I just feel like for some reason if you trying to tap my spirit, give me some clear spirits.

Kenrya: That's funny. And it's always been... I mean, I remember back a long time ago that was always the thing you reach for when we go to the bar.

Erica: Now I don't. Now I'm a brown liquor girl, but if I end up-

Kenrya: You used to be a good old Ketel One girl.

Erica: Oh yeah. Ooh. And my drink used to be Ketel One and a splash of club soda and a lemon. That was-

Kenrya: I remember.

Erica: All I need is bubbles to the head. Ooh. Ooh, girl, you done brought back memories. What about you? Do you have any?

Kenrya: I've been sitting here trying to think of one, and I don't think so.

Erica: Did you ever date someone that had to fuck with his lucky stocking cap, or?

Kenrya: I mean, I was messing with this dude who always want to fuck in socks so I think that was a combination of two things. He claimed it was because he needed the traction and I will say he was athletic. So I didn't doubt that that much, but also I think his feet was probably fucked up and he was embarrassed and didn't want me to see him.

Erica: Uh-huh (affirmative), honey. I got ugly toes and niggas be sticking them shits in they mouth, so.

Kenrya: I think it was a combination of those two things, but he swore it gave... It's like niggas fucking in Timbs.

Erica: You just described the most East Coast ass.

Kenrya: Yeah. That's a-

Erica: Howard University ass shit on earth. Oh, I love it. Okay. Well, I would love to hear what our listeners would say. If they have just a...

Kenrya: Yes. What's your thing?

Erica: There ain't no fucking reason that I believe this, but-

Kenrya: But it's true. It's true though.

Erica: Yeah. Please share with us. You can send us an email or slide in our DMS.

Kenrya: Yeah. I like it.

Erica: Okay. Well, with that said, Kenrya, you got anything else for us?

Kenrya: Nah. Just the fact that this has been Kenrya and E, and we’re two hoes-

Erica: Making it clap. Oh shit, I'm not going to start over. My bad. Bye, y'all.

Kenrya: Bye.

Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica. And edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Now you can support The Turn On, and get off. Subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app, then drop us a five star review, and you'll be entered to win something that's turning us on. Just post your review, and email us a screenshot at theturnonpodcast@gmail.com to enter. Our Patreon page is also live. Become a supporter today, and you'll gain access to lots of goodies, including The Turn On book club, and two for one raffle entries. And don't forget to send us your book recommendations, and your sex and related questions. And follow us on Twitter @theturnonpod, and on Instagram @theturnonpodcast. You can find links to books, merch, transcripts, guest info, and other fun stuff at theturnonpodcast.com. Thanks so much for listening, and we will see you soon. Bye.

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Quickie 23 | Mailbag: Dating Apps

12/30/2020

0 Comments

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TRANSCRIPT
Kenrya: Come here. Get off.

[theme music]

Erica: Welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On. We have a few mailbag questions that we are going to answer from you, our amazing listeners. So let's just jump right in.

Kenrya: Let's get it.

Erica: You know what, I will call this the online dating edition, because these all follow a theme. So first question, can you do a top five dating apps for various preferences, like women seeking men, women seeking women, looking for older partners, younger partners, kinks.

Kenrya: So this is like our dating wheelhouse, right?

Erica: Yeah. This has been our wheelhouse and I will say, Killa, you have been... Your intentionality in online dating has just been really good to see. That combined with just therapy and knowing myself more and being unafraid to ask for what I want, has made me so much a better online dater. Online dating isn't trash. It's just you got to know... You got to be willing to cut shit off.

Kenrya: Yes. Once you realize the things that don't serve you and get really good at moving on and not feeling like you owe people anything, it gets a lot easier. It's a lot less energy. It doesn't take so much of your energy.

Erica: So there are a few sites that we're going to just talk about. One of them, that I like, is called SeekingArrangements, also Seeking. I think the website is Seeking.com, but this is for people, that want a sugar baby. So if you're a sugar baby and you're looking for a sugar daddy, sugar mama, whatever, you put a profile on Seeking and you find people. It's like a regular dating app, it's just people want actual arrangements. Some people are very clear about the fact, that I am married and I want a side piece.

Erica: My wife does know, my wife doesn't know. My husband knows, my husband doesn't know. So you just got to go in depth on the profiles, but I actually was on Seeking for a little bit and met people. I guess, they were good. It's just the situation didn't line up. It wasn't for me. The relationships weren't for me.

Kenrya: It's a good tool for those, who are-

Erica: It's a good tool. Also, if you are a college student or still have your .edu email address, you can get a premium account for free. So, that's also something to think about. And then, if you do a couple of Google searches, you can probably find a code or something. No, you can find how to do a good profile and that kind of thing, because let's be real, people pay for pussy and dick all the time. You might be paying with your time. You might be paying with dinner. Some people just want cash. So, call a spade, a spade and let's do it. So yeah, Seeking was good. It was a really good interface and you can find lots of people. I did find that there were a lot more white men on there than Black men, but I still found Black men.

Kenrya: Word. Their website it is indeed Seeking.com and it says, "Upgrade your relationships, where beautiful and successful people find mutually beneficial relationships." That pretty much sums it up really well.

Kenrya: So, my first rec is Coffee Meets Bagel. And that is where I found my partner, after quite some time on another one of the apps, which we're going to mention. And I liked it, because it lets you filter who you are looking for. So with a lot of apps, you really can only say the gender of the person that you're looking for and maybe age and then they go by your location. And that's really all that you can do. But with Coffee Meets Bagel, you can put in race and ethnicity. You can drill down a lot more than you can on other apps and so it felt less like sorting through a massive... It felt less like entering a hoarder house and more like sorting through a dumpster.

Kenrya: So it was easier to find. And then, they recommend people to you every day. You only get a certain number of bagels. I never really quite understood the concept, but they would serve up people to you every day and be like, do you like this person? Yes or no, kind of a deal. And so, even if you weren't actively going through and looking for folks, they would find people that matched based on the criteria that you put in and put them before you. It felt like less work, but it felt like more detailed work. And for me, I was on there for a few months when I found my partner and it worked out well, obviously. So I like it. If you know what you're looking for it’s good for hyper-focusing on that. That worked really well for me. What about you, E?

Erica: So I use Hinge. Same situation, but before I started using Hinge, I used Bumble. And Bumble was the first app, that I used when I got in the whole online dating thing.

Kenrya: Me too. And I did your profile.

Erica: Yes, Kills did my profile and this was when I decided, "Hey, I just want to have lots of sex." So Bumble was different. I like it because women run the show. So no conversation begins without the woman making the first move. Few things. And on the apps I'm just looking for men. I haven't like looked for looked... I wasn't looking for woman, but so I guess I don't know how it works on the lesbian side of things, on the same sex side of things. But anyway, so using Bumble definitely made me more sympathetic of when I get shitty pickup lines from guys, because cause it's like, you really have no idea what the fuck you're saying.

Kenrya: You really have to figure them shits out.

Erica: Let me play with your titties. So it definitely made me more aware of that, but it was also good to see, who could just keep a conversation going. Also, with Bumble, you can't really filter by preference, but I paid for the premium for three months or something.

Kenrya: So you can see, who likes you, who swiped on you.

Erica: Exactly. So you see who swiped on you. So for that, it automatically gave me mostly Black guys or white guys or Asian guys or whoever.

Kenrya: It gave me all kinds of people. [crosstalk 00:07:40] But it's nice to be able to see who has already swiped on you.

Erica: Exactly. So it's like, you're picking from a pile of people, that have already expressed interest. It was good. I haven't found a partner on it, but I definitely think it was good. And then, I also like that it would show you if people were just in town visiting, which was a clear, “I'm just trying to fuck.” So yeah, Bumble was a good one.

Erica: So now we're going to go into the dating apps that we've heard about, got recommendations from other people but necessarily haven't tried ourselves. So we can't really vouch for them. I always laugh about OurTime, but look, it's an app. It's out there. It's for older people. And so if you're looking for someone, that's a little more seasoned in age... Even though, I do think we, there are older people on all the apps, but OurTime, I guess, it's the Jitterbug phone of online dating. It's geared towards older people.

Kenrya: That's not nice. But you said it's simple right. It has full features. It's just exactly what you need and it's easy to use.

Erica: Oh damn, I wasn't trying to be shady.

Kenrya: It's just, when I hear Jitterbug, it makes me giggle. Maybe I'm a child.

Erica: What you got, Killa?

Kenrya: So, another one, that we heard of, but haven't used ourselves, but that our research tells us is lovely, is the app Her, which is for lesbians or for women and for queer folk. And as women all of our gorgeous iterations, that we come in. So I saw a few different ones when I was doing research and this was the only one that actually had people of color right up front and center. And not just a couple of white cisgender women listed on the site, which I just thought was hopefully a great sign. They've already got four million women in their database. So they're saying, "It's a little rinky dink." Something, that you coming in and won't actually have a good field of people to connect with.

Kenrya: And so, it looks really interesting. It looks like they are backed by a group of folks who are, again, not just white. I can't stress enough how important that is, when you're doing these apps, when the only folks that are on there are people, who you may not necessarily feel aligned with. They have a blog, which is cool. All the stuff, with articles like all things oral and things that are very much targeted toward their... Confidence boosting workout tips for tops, bottoms and switches. This is interesting.

Erica: Maybe they got some knee strengthening-

Kenrya: The blog is actually really dope. How do you masturbate when you don't have privacy? Somebody should send us a question about that for our future mailbag.

Erica: I like it.

Kenrya: So, that's our pick for women and other queer folks who do not identify as a man, that maybe there is somebody there for you in that space, whether it's that you're looking for a friend or you're looking for a friend.

Erica: A friend-friend. I talked to my gay people and gay men people. No, that sounds really weird.

Kenrya: It's like my African Americans.

Erica: My African Americans. And so, I talked to my gay expert and he said, that he liked Jack'd. Jack'd is a dating website for gay, bi, trans and queer people. I think, it's primarily men, because it's says a lot of “hes” on the website. And they pride themselves on being diverse. When I asked my gay... I need better language. I'm so sorry y’all.

Kenrya: I understand that you're trying to not out the person, who you're talking about.

Erica: I'm not trying to identify, who...

Kenrya: I get it. They're very out.

Erica: They're very open in their sexuality.

Kenrya: But that don't mean they want to be on the podcast.

Erica: Exactly. So, when I talked to him, he was like, "Jack'd is for Black people." So Jack'd is the more diverse community. I guess, you find your folks. It's a locations kind of thing. You also can do anonymous browsing. You can also see how often they respond to messages and what kind of people they're into. So I actually I'm like-

Kenrya: That's a nice feature.

Erica: Who else gives me, that kind of insight. So, that's what we have. If y'all have a suggestion of a particular website, that you'd like, please let us know, because I'm still out here in the streets. So let a player know. I'll definitely be your-

Kenrya: Guinea pig.

Erica: Your taste tester.

Kenrya: That's better.

Erica: That's much better. I'll be your taste tester. So refer a bitch.

Kenrya: It's also a double entendre.

Erica: Double entendre. Next question. What is different in meeting by app, in our current world? Speaking from someone who's not familiar with protocols. So I guess, they're just trying to ask, what's normal for, when you're stuck at home doing these Corona dates? What's normal?

Kenrya: They set meetings. So, maybe, even just starting at that beginning of what that looks like. It's interesting. I think, that there used to be a stigma around it, but I don't know that there is any more, at least not in our age group, because we have so many friends, who met their partners, who are married with kids and everything else, who met them online. Shit BlackPlanet.

Erica: No, not BlackPlanet. Black People Meet.

Kenrya: I thought they met on BlackPlanet.

Erica: No, they only met in '87.

Kenrya: Whatever, stuff like that. You know I'm not good with the history. Anyway.

Erica: I can't with you, but okay.

Kenrya: Well, it's interesting, because I've had people say, "Oh, well, you're just talking to a stranger." But honestly, I feel like by the time I swiped on somebody on an app, I know more about them than if they were trying to approach me in a bar or on the street. I know roughly, where you live. And again, it's all the information, that you choose to give, but that's the case, whether talking to them in person or you're talking to them on an app, right? The information is only as good as the person is honest, but I've got a bunch of pictures. So I know what they look like in different lighting situations. I know what they value enough to put in their pictures. If it's a nigga posing with his car, I know to keep swiping. You can learn a lot from somebody from looking at their profile. They give you enough information on whether or not you want to get to know somebody. And I think that you get more of that there than you get with a nigga stopping you on the sidewalk.

Erica: That you literally just meet in the mall. Yeah, meet in the mall. You can tell, I was hanging in Northwest Plaza as a teen. My beeper getting up. I agree. I think it's great, that you get to know so much more information about people, but I also think, that this gives you an opportunity to be more intentional and ask better questions and stuff. Because, first, if I meet you in a bar, I'm probably drunk. I don't really quite remember you. I might be like, he had a beer. And yes, I Google people. I have no problem and Google me. It's fine. So I don't think there's anything very different-

Kenrya: Except, for that you have more information.

Erica: You have more information. I feel like it's a more robust first meeting. I do try my best to not do too much digging. Does that make sense? Because I don't want to form an opinion on you, before I actually meet you.

Kenrya: I usually just do a cursory search, because the world is so small I want to know, who do you know in person.

Erica: Do we have similar Instagram friends, because then, if we do [crosstalk 00:16:43].

Kenrya: And I have found many a person, who we were connected via somebody else on Facebook or whatever or if they went to the same school, that we went to or something like that. And so that cursory search gives you a little bit of information, that you can sprinkle in as you start.

Kenrya: I also think that, in any situation, but maybe it is a little bit easier when you meet somebody online, to get caught in a text cycle, right? Maybe, when you meet somebody in person, you're more likely to get on a phone, but I don't know, because I can't remember the last time a man was courageous enough to walk up on me and have something decent enough to say, that I actually would follow through. Usually, it's trash and we never get to that point, but I could see, that it may be more difficult to break out of the texting cycle, if you meet on an app. I know for me, as Erica said, I was very intentional. So I had a set ice breaker, that I would use because on apps like Bumble, the woman make the first move. So I had a set thing that I always started with.

Kenrya: I don't remember what the hell it was now, to be quite honest, but that was my opening line. They would start the conversation and they will have 48 hours to get back. If I didn't hear from them by then, then you're obviously not interested in me or interested in any of this and it's cool, no love lost. I'd unmatch and we keep moving. If you do respond, but trying to get you to have a conversation is like pulling teeth and you didn't say, "Oh, I'm at work. I'll hit you back later on."

Erica: Don't WYD me to death.

Kenrya: If you do all of that. If every time I ask you a question, you give me a one-sentence or a one-word answer or some bullshit and then you don't ask me a question.

Erica: All you have to say is, "Here's my answer, and you?"

Kenrya: But you'd be surprised, how many people do not do that. They answer the question and then, they just go dark. And they're expecting you to guide every bit of the conversation and guess what, don't have time for that.

Erica: Because you probably need guidance in the bed.

Kenrya: Yes, that too. But also, to me, it shows a lack of overall interest or effort and I'm not about to be the only one putting in effort, now or later, right? And then, if we've been able to maintain a decent conversation and they haven't said anything that is offensive, that hits on any of my automatic no’s, which is hotepery, which is homophobia or transphobia, which is... where is all my other... I wouldn't have swiped on them, if they did a job that I found untenable, which is honestly usually just being a cop.

Kenrya: And then, so I also had things, that were automatic swipes. So the car and your picture, saying that you're sapiosexual. No, thank you. Saying that you are an Alpha. No, thank you. Not an Alpha Phi Alpha, but an alpha male. No, thank you. And then, I expect us to be able to hop on the phone within, I don't know, 72 to 96 hours. Three to four days and have a decent conversation. I'm accounting for the fact, that people may have jobs or be traveling or whatever the hell, but once we get to that point, if we haven't been able to connect and have an actual conversation and it shows me that you're not that interested and that's fine. Again, no love lost. We keep it moving.

Erica: I found that I make the jump quick to talking on the phone. Let me say this. When I have made the jump quicker talking on the phone, it's been organic and it's just it worked better. You start texting in the app and all of a sudden, you're texting back and forth and it's like, "You know what, fuck it. What's your phone number, so we can talk." And then, that's what happens with me. I'm a Gemini. I'm impatient. If you give me 96 hours, 92... What did you say? How many hours?

Kenrya: I said three to four days.

Erica: Three to four days. I ain't going to like you in four days. You got to keep my ass interested from the beginning. I like talking, I like texting and stuff, but I find, that it's easier-

Kenrya: You know me, I hit a wall.

Erica: We get it. And that's the thing, I find that I do better with people that are like, "Fuck that, call me. Let me talk to you. Let me hear your voice." That's what I got for that. Last question. And I'm going to be quiet on this, because I am an ain't shit, bitch. What are the best ways to end a relationship, in the texting norm?

Kenrya: Well, first of all, if texting is the thing, that you're doing, then that's not a relationship. That's just somebody, who you're texting with. If you all haven't graduated to a phone call, then that's just a nigga that you texting with. And I say that, to help us keep things in perspective, because my mantra, when it comes to that, is that you don't owe anybody any fucking thing. So, that does not mean that you ghost people, but it does mean that you are clear and then, you move on. So what I would do, when this was my life, is, usually the moment would come, because somebody has said something ignorant on text. They had ticked one of my non-negotiables or we had gotten on the phone and they said something to me, like they were glad, that Bill Cosby didn't get caught or all of the things that were happening when I was still online dating. And I would get off the phone quickly.

Kenrya: And the reason I would do that, is because I am not about to argue with you about whether or not we should continue this relationship.

Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Kenrya: I would just get off the phone. I would send them a text. Again, it was a standard text. It said, "I don't think we're a good fit for each other, but I wish you really well. Take care." And then, I would block them. Now, why do I block them? Because the people who I would send that message to, very often, there was something that was there to let me know, that this was going to turn into some type of an argument. I can only think of two people in the entire, I don't know what, year and a half or year, that I was online dating, where we were able to continue, where I didn't have to block them, where they felt like a normal enough person and not problematic, where we could continue to talk.

Kenrya: And actually three, where we can continue to just have conversations periodically, without it turning into a thing. In one particular case, this dude was a minister and he said something outlandish about sexual abuse. And I got off the phone. I sent him the message, but my phone is linked to my computer. So I can send text messages from both places and I think this was a Saturday night or something. So I blocked him on my phone. What I didn't know at the time was, that if you don't open your laptop, then the blocking does not transfer over. And it was Saturday. I didn't open my laptop again, until maybe Sunday night or Monday morning. And so I had blocked him, but when I opened my laptop, this nigga had been texting me for 24 hours about how I judged him too quickly, how I was being closed-minded about sexual abuse.

Kenrya: And all of these things about how I needed to give him another chance. There were messages at three, four, five o'clock in the morning. This fool had gone on a whole tear, telling me why I fucked up by telling him that we were not a good fit. You heard what my message was, it was very nice. I didn't even go into details. Why? Because I don't owe you details. So, in my opinion, the best way to do it is to just say, that you are not a fit. You do not owe anyone details and then, you block them and you ain't got to deal with them. And if they leave you a voicemail message, the beautiful thing about that is that now, if you have somebody blocked, their messages drops down to the bottom and you never even know that it came in. It makes me happy. That is my advice for dealing with breaking up with cats, you don't know, online.

Erica: I think it's beautiful. I think it's absolutely, absolutely beautiful. And so, I'm not even going to give my two cents, because I have your ass answering phone calls from niggas. What? Oh, my bad. Uh-huh (negative). I'm feeding my cows, I'll call you later.

Kenrya: Why subject yourself to some shit that you don't want to and you don't have to?

Erica: And again, you don't owe anyone anything. And not even on some disrespectful shit, but we have no investment with one another. So let's just call it a day.

Kenrya: And you should say something, because I was ghosted once in the course of that online dating.

Erica: So, thank you, Kenrya for that, because like I said, I'm trash. It'd be all bad, but anyway, thank you for joining us. This is Erica and Kenrya, your two favorite hoes. Making it clap.

[theme music]

Erica: This episode was produced by us, Erica and Kenrya and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Now you can support The Turn On and get off. Subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app, then drop us a five-star review and you'll be entered to win something, that's turning us on. Post your review and email a screenshot to us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com to enter. Our Patreon page is also live. Become a supporter today and access lots of goodies, including two for one raffle entries. Don't forget to send us your book recommendations, and sex and related questions and follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. You can find links to books, merch, transcripts, guest info and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. Thanks for listening. And we'll see you soon. Holla.

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