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In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya talk to guest Tracy about finding love within your friend group, staying grounded on the hard days and the importance of sowing your royal oats.
The Turn On participates in affiliate programs, which provide a small commission when you purchase products via links on this site. This costs you nothing, but helps support the show. Click here for more information.
Erica: So Kenrya, guess what?
Erica: We have our first patron on Patreon!
Kenrya: Aw shit!
Erica: Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. And not only is this just the first patron, this is the first patron at the highest level.
Kenrya: What's that level? That's the... oh, We Go Together.
Erica: We Go Together.
Erica: I ain't getting rid of you, you ain't getting rid of me level.
Kenrya: I love it.
Erica: So shout out to our good friend of the show, always supportive, Stephanie.
Kenrya: Hey, thank you so much.
Erica: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This is kind of the equivalent of yo mama always supporting you. You know how they be like, "She sold four copies of her album."
Erica: Her mama, her brother, her sister, and herself.
Erica: But Stephanie, thank you for being amazing and supporting the show, as always.
Kenrya: Hopefully the first of many.
Erica: The first of many.
Kenrya: Y'all follow Stephanie's lead and head over to Patreon and support The Turn On.
Erica: Yes. If you want to hear your name on this show, please support us at the $15 a month level.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: And with that, let's get started with the show.
Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Kenrya: Today, we're talking to Tracy, pronouns, she and her. Tracy is a 39-year-old cisgender heterosexual woman from the Midwest. Yes, ma'am.
Kenrya: She's a mother and program manager and she's here to talk about what happens when friends with benefits turns into forever ever.
Kenrya: Tracy is a pseudonym, so don't be trying to find her.
Tracy: Don't be looking for me.
Kenrya: Tracy, thanks so much for coming.
Tracy: Thank you for having me.
Erica: So last week we read an excerpt from the novella “Benefriends,” which features a couple that started out as friends, and then they morphed into lovers. What's your current relationship status?
Tracy: Married like a mug. Extra, extra permanent.
Kenrya: How long y'all been together?
Tracy: Since 2009.
Kenrya: That's a long ass time.
Tracy: It's a long, long time.
Kenrya: I ain't never been with nobody that long.
Tracy: Listen, I don't recommend it.
Erica: My barber maybe? Like, the fuck.
Kenrya: Shit, I don't even think I had any service providers for that long because I switched cities.
Tracy: I've been on-
Erica: Cell phone-
Tracy: A serial monogamous person.
Kenrya: Cell phone. Yeah, I was serial monogamous too. But the problem with my serial monogamy was that I just didn't want to be by myself, so there's that. That was only in hindsight, and I recognize that.
Tracy: And that's funny how that works, because now I'm like, "I just want to be by myself, want some time to myself."
Kenrya: There is that because you have how many children?
Tracy: Two children.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah, that's a real ass thing right there.
Tracy: Yeah, the struggle is real.
Kenrya: So as our listeners have probably ascertained, you're married to somebody who you were friends with before y'all got together. So tell us the story of how that happened.
Tracy: So what had happened was-
Erica: All good stories start like that.
Tracy: So lots of mutual friends ... so my friends all went to school with my husband from about third grade through 12th grade. So, I met those friends in college, so they were already friends beforehand. So I joined the friend group and immediately, once we all came together as friends, everybody immediately wanted to hook us up. But I was-
Kenrya: Why is that?
Tracy: They thought we some similarities with ethnicities and such, without sharing too much. But they thought that we would make a good match, just our personalities, very laid back. They just thought, immediately, y'all need to be together. However, I was busy sowing my royal oats at the time and was not interested-
Erica: As all women should-
Kenrya: Yes, royal oats. Listen, I fell asleep to “Coming to America” last night.
Tracy: Yes, I was on a serious mission. So this was like, I was about to move to New York, one of my dream cities that I always wanted to live in, and I already knew that I was about to be just hot in the streets. And so I was like, "No. We will be friends. We will keep it that way." And I was just also worried about the whole friendship circle, I was like, "I don't want to mess it up." I'm trying to sow my royal oats. I know I'm not right, right now. So we just remained friends, and we were those friends that were just always showing up for our friends when they got married or if they were having baby showers and parties. We were the two cool friends that show up and come with libations and hang out, so we kept it friends for many years.
Erica: So you kind of touched on this, where you said you were hesitant to mess up the friendship circle. In the book we read, the two characters, Shad and Aisha, they are similar to you, a part of a big group of friends and they were hesitant to start anything because they were like, "If shit goes down south then we fucking up the whole groove of the group." Obviously that was a concern. When did you overcome that and was just like, "Fuck it"?
Tracy: So after I sowed my royal oats and got burned out, I was literally in therapy-
Kenrya: These niggas-
Tracy: Listen, I was out done, okay? I was like, "Wow, everybody is just trash-"
Tracy: I am taking a break from dating from ... I'm just like, "I think I might just be single. I need to find myself." I had just started therapy, I was like, "Yes, this is such a good space to be in." I was weaning myself off all the penis, I was like, "I'm done."
Tracy: And then had been doing therapy for a couple of months and then went to one of those good friend's wedding in Mexico. And the things that I was interested in a year or two before, they just seemed so frivolous.
Tracy: And now, all of a sudden I was like, "Ooh, stability and non-triflingness-
Kenrya: These got jobs?
Tracy: ... and a strong circle of friends who I also like. Jobs, employee, traveling freely." All of these things looked extra sexy under the Mexican sun where we were for this wedding.
Tracy: So I was in a very different place and I was just like ... I placed a high value in that moment, I think, on ... and it's debatable with myself if it was too much of a value, but I really placed the high value on trust and having a relationship with somebody or just embarking on what could be with somebody who was already connected to a circle of people who I trust and who I know would look out for me and just not recommended-
Erica: They already did the vetting.
Tracy: They already did the vetting and I had already known this person. So I was like, "This is safe territory."
Erica: Okay, cool.
Kenrya: So besides the fact that I have never actually wanted to fuck any of my friends. I haven't. Look at Erica face though. She like, "I think I have."
Erica: I'm like ...
Tracy: But I find that-
Kenrya: Bitch, I know you fucked your friends.
Erica: You got a lot of friends.
Kenrya: I do and I ... Okay. I can think of two friends who I fucked and neither one of those situations was a good situation.
Kenrya: Yeah. In general, it's not a thing that I want to do. And also, in one of those, it was absolutely just a one-night stand, it was never going anywhere.
Kenrya: Another one of the reasons that I have rarely gotten involved with people who I counted as my friends is because I know way too much about them. Was that ever a consideration or a possible barrier when you were thinking about getting with your now husband?
Tracy: No, because he tricked me because ... he was always the quiet, kind of reserved homie in the group, so it's hard to describe, but I was like, "Oh, he's kind of like a little mystery, kind of hard to figure out-
Erica: Because that group is a lot of large personalities.
Tracy: A lot of large personality personalities. And this person, my husband's personality, was like completely like zero, just chill, all the time. So it kind of made me be like, "Oh, I kind of ... and I can be a lot sometimes. I'm much more chill now, but I'm on all the time. So for me, I was like, "Oh." I was trying to get to know him. I was like, "Who are you? Who are you?" It was interesting because I was learning a lot of stuff out that he hadn't shared with a lot of the friends in that circle, surprisingly, over a long time.
Erica: Okay. So how do you think having a foundation as friends positively impacts your marriage?
Tracy: I think ... I mean, I recognize not all friends with benefits have a circle that they ... I don't know. Everybody's like, "Oh, a friend is like a part of a larger friend group." Sometimes it's just your one friend. But for us, because we had that circle, I feel like we had a group of people kind of always rooting for us, which is helpful when you embark on marriage because you have so many moments where you're like, "Um, is this shit worth it? Like, I'm about to call it quits." Right?
Tracy: And so it's helpful to have some objective friends that'll just listen and that'll be like, "You know what, do what you need to do. I'm hearing you out and remember why y'all first got together" or-
Kenrya: Friends of your marriage. Right?
Kenrya: People who want you to succeed together.
Tracy: Want to see you ... exactly. So I think that's been amazing to have, and it's also been helpful for me to also remember when shit gets hard, where I'm like, "Remember? Remember how all this started when we was like all one big group of friends, just hanging out, we didn't have all these responsibilities?" So I think that's really the big piece for me, but to keep it real, a lot of it too is more so on just the disappointments of like, "Okay, we're in this large circle and we're friends and so forth," but then when things, aren't where you want them to be in the marriage, I think you kind of look at that friendship a lot harder, whereas like, "Okay, is this friendly?" Like, "Friends, remember? We go way, way, way back, like what's happening here?" So ...
Erica: So on the other side of the coin, do you think that there are ways that having this friendship as a foundation negatively impacts the marriage?
Tracy: I think sometimes I think so. And it could just be how everybody handles things differently. Right? So I can only speak from my experience, but for me, I think when shit gets hard, I pull on that friendship piece and try to think about, "Remember why this all started?" And sometimes I feel like that that's not necessarily focusing on the now, like on the right here, right now versus this history, right?
Tracy: Yeah. This nostalgic, kind of like what we used to be and who we were versus now who we are, two tired ass parents working in the middle of a pandemic in this tiny ass space looking at each other and it's hard. And so sometimes I think that piece, and then I do think about our friendship circle, right? And when I get frustrated around, "Am I going to be the one that's going to defect? Like ..."
Erica: [inaudible 00:11:32]
Tracy: My shit going to blow up first. But I think about those pieces where ... it skews the reality sometimes, or it's just extra shit. Where it's like, "You know what, Tracy, what is it that you feel right now? Like, what's happening right now?" And just shut all of that out.
Kenrya: Right. That actually leads to my next question, which is what have you found really works in your relationship to keep in touch with each other through the highs and the lows, both right now in the middle of a fucking pandemic and just in general? Because 10 years is a long ass time.
Tracy: Drugs, alcohol, no-
Kenrya: Yes ma'am.
Erica: Bitch. Let's keep it all the way for real, for real.
Tracy: Let's keep it real. Honestly, that every blue moon it's like, hey, quarterly, semiannually, let's put something on the books like vacations, just having time to connect and get away from this ... I mean the daily grind is so exhausting.
Tracy: Oddly enough, too, when I think about things that have happened over the years, I would say, also tragedies have kind of brought us together and kind of made us remember the reasons why we got together.
Erica: So what do you do to be in touch with yourself and your body in the midst of being a present partner and a present parent?
Tracy: All the things. Yoga at home now, meditation apps, reading positive affirmations. I follow all the Black therapists on Instagram. Anything that I can get that really just reminds me of my relationship with myself. I think being in a long-term marriage, one of the things that has really made very clear to me is yes, being friends helps and so forth, but the first relationship is with myself. And so I think for me, it's just keeping myself grounded and really just trusting my instincts more and just recognizing, some days I feel crappy, some days I feel great, and just kind of leaning into that without apologizing for it.
Erica: That's really dope.
Kenrya: Yeah. So, you mentioned earlier about how y'all work in the little space together. I'm wondering how the pandemic has impacted your dynamic when it comes to intimacy, both with your partner and with your children because there's a lot of different types of intimacy and I feel like being trapped got something to do with that.
Tracy: Yes, honey. It is completely throwing the vibes off because all day long it feels literally like I'm pulled in 25 different directions. So it takes me twice as long just to do one task that I would normally do at work in a shorter amount of time because I'm also getting somebody some food, getting somebody a snack, helping somebody wipe their butt and then coming back to do a video meeting, all the while ... and as being a mother, both of us, my husband and I can be sitting at the table, but both kids will constantly only come to me, and so it feels like I'm sitting on the other side of the table, like "This motherfucker get a full day of work?"
Erica: This nigga right here.
Tracy: No interruptions. I be sitting there like, "Come on girl." And that's when all my calm stuff got to come in because I be like, "thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking a lot of thoughts." So it just builds up a lot of resentment throughout the day, sometimes, because I feel like I'm taking on the brunt of the work. And so that's when the friendship stuff comes in, where I be like, "Again, this is not friendly. Like, what the fuck?" So having to have those conversations every so often as ... and then it just throws intimacy off. Like for me, my love language is like, help me clean up. Help me take care of the kids, just help ...
Kenrya: Be an equal partner.
Tracy: Be an equal partner. Help me not feel like a maid that's exhausted at the end of the day, and then I'm supposed to get sexy? And want to be intimate?
Kenrya: This don't make my pussy wet.
Erica: [inaudible 00:15:53] titties.
Tracy: This make me dry. Okay? I'm like, "You about to get this headscarf and turn to the side and good night."
Kenrya: And you earned it.
Tracy: You earned it. You worked so hard to earn that shit. Terrible. And then enter drugs and alcohol. Sike, no. No, but enter just me, honestly, just being like, "Okay, this cycle has to stop. What actions can I do to change this shit?" And then usually I will work on my mood, go exercise or some shit, and then I'll be horny and then life will be better for a short amount of time.
Kenrya: Exercise is underrated for that. When I finished working out, I feel strong. I feel great about myself and I want to fuck. Immediately.
Erica: No, for real. You have blood flowing to all your parts, not just your head and your limbs, but to all your parts.
Erica: So I think people fail to realize that getting that blood moving will get-
Kenrya: [inaudible 00:16:55].
Erica: [inaudible 00:16:56] moving.
Tracy: It sure is. I was like, "Whoa, okay, let me just get my workout on." But otherwise, I get into this depleted space where I'm just like, "I just don't have the energy for it." And it's just ... so I think, again, but normally once we get out of our world and this small last apartment, we also just on top of each other, right? And focusing on everything, how you chew, how you move, why you sit that there. "What are you doing?!" It becomes ridiculous, where I'm like, "We need to go visit some people. We need to get out." So just mixing it up, I find ... and just having something to work towards. Just having a goal together. We need that shit to lighten the mood and just kind of keep us moving forward. I know some couples do all kinds of shit and I'm like, "That's not us, but we need to start doing that."
Kenrya: You got to do what you can when you can.
Kenrya: It's not like there's not a whole bunch of shit going on in the world right now.
Erica: A whole bunch of shit.
Tracy: A lot. It's heavy.
Kenrya: Yeah. A lot of it, I think just comes into granting yourself grace.
Kenrya: When you're coming up against this stuff. So kudos to y'all.
Kenrya: My next question is what does a successful marriage look like to you?
Tracy: Successful marriage looks like therapy, like therapy together as a couple. It looks like travel, just doing things together, leisure stuff in addition to just taking care of all of the responsibilities equally. It looks like just mundane, same routine. A lot of relationship and marriage is literally just somebody being able to be in that space with you day in and day out without it feeling like it's a production and work and so forth, like just being ourselves. So consistency and connection.
Erica: So you got a lot of shit going on. So I know this question, if you're like, "Look, bitch, I wish."
Kenrya: Right, [inaudible 00:19:17].
Erica: Exactly. But is there anything that you're looking forward to reading? Do you have like a, to be read pile? I have one, it's really dusty, but ...
Tracy: I have ... I just finished a book for the first time in like a year, thanks to the pandemic. It's called “Pachinko” and it's a really great book about Koreans living in Japan. It's a historical family saga. And I learned a lot about Korean, Japanese relationship, history that I didn't know about. So that was a really great book. And then my next book, I have a pile sitting right over here. If you were here, you would see. I'm just getting into “Patsy” by Nicole Dennis-Benn. So that's on my list. I'm going to get through that one next. And I have “The Water Dancer” that I want to get into, and I need to finish “Thick.” So that's my ...
Erica: All right.
Kenrya: All right. Yeah, I haven't finished “Thick” either, actually. I'm somewhere in the middle.
Erica: Okay. So I have a few rapid-fire questions. I'm just going to give you an either or, and you're going to tell me your pick. Okay? Hot or cold?
Erica: Give or receive?
Tracy: Receive, selfish. Aries.
Kenrya: Yes, Aries.
Erica: Beach or mountain?
Tracy: Beach. Mountain is dangerous.
Erica: Now, I know you, so you cannot pick "Neither" for the next one. Dog or cat?
Tracy: Oh my gosh.
Kenrya: Ugh. Yeah, neither. Lord have mercy.
Tracy: You pissing me off with this because you know I don't like no animal hair.
Kenrya: Same. Hard same. Fuck, it's gross.
Tracy: But I'll pick dog.
Erica: Last one. Country or city?
Tracy: Woo. City.
Erica: Alrighty. Alrighty. Okay. So why would you do hot over cold?
Tracy: Because I'm getting old.
Erica: And them bones don't move like they used to.
Kenrya: Mm-mm (negative). They don't like that.
Tracy: I need hot liquids to keep everything ...
Erica: Keep everything moving.
Tracy: Keep everything moving and grooving.
Kenrya: Now, I leaned back on a heating pad all day yesterday because I got old lady back.
Tracy: Listen, it ...
Erica: How'd you throw out your old lady back?
Kenrya: Why you ask so many questions?
Erica: Because I know ... it's so simple. That I want to make ...
Kenrya: I was reaching over- No. I was reaching over to the side of my bed to get my motherfucking water bottle and went, "Ooh!"
Erica: She was like, "I think I threw my back out reaching for a bottle of water." I was like ...
Tracy: Getting wild over there. Water in the bed.
Erica: I know, because you got to sleep with some water next to the bed.
Kenrya: Listen, you know I can't-
Tracy: At all times.
Kenrya: Yeah, no, ever since I was pregnant, I cannot go to sleep without water next to my bed. It's impossible.
Tracy: Yeah. I'm sitting here sweating right now, drinking a hot ass cup of coffee, but-
Kenrya: It's hot.
Tracy: ... I felt like ... because hot. I felt like I needed to start my day with a warm beverage and then it helps everything be regular.
Erica: It's wild how the older you get, the more routines you have to have.
Tracy: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: Like if I don't do X, Y, and Z in this particular way-
Erica: My morning's off. I have to have a glass of orange juice with my green wheat grass powder, Miralax and all my vitamins.
Tracy: You know you ain't invincible. When we was younger, we used to be like, "I don't need nothing, I'm a hold it." Remember? It's like, "I'm a hold it and not go to the bathroom in this public place." Now?
Erica: There's no shame whatsoever.
Tracy: Well, look ...
Kenrya: You know I will shit anywhere. So.
Tracy: Listen. I have joined that bandwagon very quickly. I'm routine, like, "Oh, it's time."
Kenrya: So I have to say this. This wraps up this week's episode of The Turn On. Thank you for joining us and we will see you back next week.
Tracy: [inaudible 00:23:47]. I feel like y'all need special effects.
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Now you can support the turn on and get off. Subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app, then drop us a five star review and you'll be entered to win something that's turning us on. Just post your review and email us a screenshot at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com to enter. Our Patreon page is also live. Become a supporter today and you'll gain access to lots of goodies, including The Turn On Book Club and two for one raffle entries. And don't forget to send us your book recommendations and your sex and related questions, and follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. You can find links to books, merch, transcripts, guest info and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. Thanks so much for listening and we will see you soon. Bye.
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In this bonus episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya tell their friendship origin story and interview each another.
The Turn On participates in affiliate programs, which provide a small commission when you purchase products via links on this site. This costs you nothing, but helps support the show. Click here for more information.
Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Erica: Okay y'all. Here's the deal. Here at The Turn On, we are finished with season one.
Erica: Ayyyee ayyyee. I'm doing that cool kid dance where you do like this.
Kenrya: Oh, okay.
Erica: So we're finished with season one. We're loading for season two but look, y'all: a bitch is tired. I'm motherfucking tired. So in the meantime, in between time, we're going to give you guys what we call a little quickie.
Kenrya: Yeah. We're not going to leave y'all out here.
Erica: We ain't going to leave y'all hanging with a dry dick or a dry pussy.
Kenrya: What's the non-gender version of that?
Erica: A dry area.
Kenrya: Ass? I mean everybody got a ass.
Erica: We only out with a dry bussy.
Erica: Everybody got bussy right? So we aint gonna leave yall out here with a dry bussy. So we are recording and going to give to you guys each week a little quickie, which is a little-
Kenrya: A little taste.
Erica: A little taste of something to tide you over until we come back for season two.
Kenrya: When do we come back?
Erica: January first like motherfucker.
Kenrya: New year, new season.
Erica: Hey, I'm dancing. I'm sorry y'all. I've been drinking all morning long.
Kenrya: She really has. I am stone cold sober. We'll see how this goes.
Erica: Okay. So.
Kenrya: January 1, 2020.
Erica: January 1, 2020, we'll be back in this bitch.
Kenrya: With full episodes.
Erica: Full length episodes.
Kenrya: New books, new interviews. All that.
Erica: Lots of hot shit coming for you. Spitting hot fire.
Kenrya: I spits hot fire.
Erica: On this mike like Dylan, Dylan-
Kenrya: Dylan, Dylan.
Erica: Oh shit. All right, so for our first quickie. As y'all know, Kenrya and I are bottom bitches and I think it will be interesting for y'all to listen to us interview one another.
Kenrya: Yes. We didn't really tell y'all a lot about ourselves when we started the show I feel like.
Erica: Did we tell the Tae Bo tape story?
Kenrya: The who?
Erica: Tae Bo tape.
Kenrya: No, I don't think so.
Erica: Okay. So-
Kenrya: This is sidebar before we get into it.
Erica: Kenrya and I and someone else, you know who you are.
Kenrya: Hey, girl.
Erica: Shout out to you. We all went to school together, and we were all interested in a particular sorority and we see each other at programs and so we were like, you know what? I like you. We should be friends because we going to be linesisters.
Kenrya: That's not what happened. Somebody told us we needed to know each other.
Erica: I was trying to tell the sanitized story, but anyway. So-
Kenrya: That's not illegal.
Erica: We needed to be friends. We knew we needed to be friends because we was going to be linesisters. So they said, Hey, y'all need to be friends. So we were like, okay, how does any other young lady in 19-
Kenrya: No, it was 2000 something.
Erica: 2001 become friends with another young lady? You show up at her dorm room with a VHS tape.
Kenrya: Of Tae Bo.
Erica: Of Billy Blanks' Tae Bo so that you can work on your body for homecoming. So-
Kenrya: We was doing high kicks and punches.
Erica: It all started with a Tae Bo tape and the two of us plus another one who will always stay special in our hearts.
Kenrya: And we still together.
Erica: We still kicking it high. Back then it was for like strong abs. Now we kicking it half our dicks.
Kenrya: Dicks, right.
Erica: And pussies.
Erica: Okay. Sorry y'all, I'm like so drunk. Okay, so we're going to interview one another. If y'all have more questions that you'd like for us to answer, we'll probably do a round two of this, but these are the questions that we came up with.
Erica: So first question, Kenrya.
Erica: So let me say, I came up with most of these questions-
Kenrya: Yeah, you did.
Erica: So they are very Erica questions. So Kenrya, if you were on a Real Housewives franchise, what would be your tagline?
Kenrya: Oh God. Okay. So remember when I did ... It's something that I actually say about myself because it's true. Okay. There's two.
Kenrya: There's the totally appropriate for one of those shows and then there's the, Ooh, I read version. So the first one is I'm a Aries from Cleveland, what the fuck am I supposed to be scared of? Which is something that I say-
Erica: So true because I clearly remember nights in New York City where Kenrya has popped off. Kenrya's nickname is Killa Ken-
Kenrya: For a reason.
Erica: For a motherfucking reason. Okay.
Kenrya: Yeah, so that's accurate. That's something that I've said during many book signings when people have asked me dumb shit. And then I think the sanitized version, not sanitized, but the one that's on my intention board right now is a quote from Audre Lorde. It's I am deliberate and afraid of nothing.
Erica: I love it.
Erica: Okay. So you say that, and I have two.
Kenrya: What was your- yes.
Erica: Both of mine come from the great guru Trina. The first one, and imagine me in a great flowing robe and then I flip around and toss my-
Kenrya: Got to toss our hair.
Erica: Non-existent hair and I look in the camera and I say, I'd probably fuck your daddy if your mammy wouldn't play a hating.
Kenrya: Oh, god. The accuracy. The fucking accuracy.
Erica: And then the next one, same situation. I flip around and I say 10 in the face, slim in the waist, fat in the ass. Do you want to taste?
Kenrya: Oh my God, bitch is coughing.
Erica: My bad.
Kenrya: It's all right. It was funny.
Erica: So yeah, my foundation is on the patron saint Trina. Her and Audre Lorde are the two-
Kenrya: Like the patron saints of the show.
Erica: Patron saints of The Turn On.
Erica: So okay. Yeah.
Kenrya: That works. I'm going to ask you the next one.
Kenrya: What does a perfect date look like for you?
Erica: Okay, so I enjoy experiences so, well first I enjoy food. So feed a bitch. We got to have good food, we got to have good drink. But then I want to do something so it could be like a concert or a hike. I mean, it don't really matter. I'd like-
Kenrya: Hike, bitch?
Erica: Yeah I would-
Kenrya: I mean, you do like doing-
Erica: Yeah, I like doing shit.
Kenrya: Like white women in Patagonia shit.
Erica: Yeah, but then I be out there blasting Trina out my backpack. Oh my god, this fucking bitch, she kept singing this song about like asses and pussies and juicy twats. That would be me. So yeah, it would have to include food, liquor, and activity, but not anything that jumbles my gut too much because I definitely-
Kenrya: Yeah, then it's all bad.
Erica: I am supposed to be staying away from dairy, but it would probably involve like dairy and liquor. So I need something that's going to not make too much of an emulsion.
Kenrya: Got to stay away from the cheese.
Erica: All this shit going on in my stomach.
Erica: But nonetheless it would have to be like wine, food, activity.
Kenrya: I like it.
Kenrya: So I like to get a little dressed, you know. You saw me in shorts and a tee shirt the other day and you was like, bitch, I don't think I've ever seen you dressed like this.
Erica: Oh my God. She looked like a homeless woman. The thing is, it was some shit that like-
Kenrya: I was tired.
Erica: But it was some shit that normal people wear. It was like a family reunion tee shirt-
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative). And some like big huge gray shorts.
Erica: And some basketball shorts-
Kenrya: With a drawstring.
Erica: Which is literally my- I have a variation of that on right now. However for Kenrya, I was like this bitch is going through some shit and I need to have an intervention.
Kenrya: I took a nap on the couch. I was tired because we had just finished recording.
Erica: I didn't even know you owned family reunion shirts. I thought when they gave out family reunion shirts at your family reunion, you were like, you know what? No, I prefer a screen print holographic.
Kenrya: I literally keep them just to sleep in and only to sleep in when I'm by myself because I sleep naked when I have a partner in the bed.
Erica: Oh fancy.
Kenrya: I do.
Kenrya: So I wanted to go somewhere. It doesn't even have to be, you know I wear sequins in the daytime so I just like to dress. So part of it is being with somebody who is not intimidated by the fact that I'm probably going to have on a crop sequin crop top, which is something that I own.
Kenrya: And I also like to be comfortable. So something cute and flat that is not going to have me all fucked up. So I'm not thinking about going home.
Erica: Sequins, flats. Okay.
Kenrya: Yes. And I like to eat so I want to go somewhere where I can get something that's not meat that is delicious. And I have three quarters of a glass of champagne or a cider beer because you know more than that and a bitch is sleep. I just-
Erica: I'm bloated.
Kenrya: I can't drink no more.
Erica: But I'm still fucking.
Kenrya: Oh yeah no. Well you know, sometimes I fall asleep but whatever. Then I just wake up and fuck later. It's fine. That's another part of the date. I would like to have sex on this date if it goes well, then that's a part of that. And then it really varies. I like to switch it up so it could be a movie. I fucking love movies. Like across the board it's one of my favorite things to do with somebody who I know already. You can't really do movies with a new person because then y'all don't-
Erica: Yeah, I'm not a movie gal. I mean I do movies because that's-
Kenrya: You do movies when I forced you to go to movies with me.
Erica: What normal people do.
Erica: Like I have this guy that I'm dating and I actually really like him and he loves movies and so we watch movies together.
Erica: And I do it for him. I mean most of the movies are good, but I'm just like-
Kenrya: It's not your natural, because I'm like-
Erica: We could be eating and playing Uno.
Kenrya: Looking every week. Yeah, what's coming out? What can we go see?
Erica: Yeah, exactly.
Kenrya: And if we're not out, then we're finding one in the house to watch. I like a good movie. But I've also had a lot of fun go-kart racing and what else have I done that was fun? Oh, doing them sip and paint things.
Erica: Oh, is this something new that you've learned that you'd like to do now that you're dating or is this a you knew that this was in you the whole time?
Kenrya: I mean, I think it kind of depended because when I was dating before I was married, it was New York so it was mostly going out to eat and walking around the city. Then I was with broke niggas so we was walking through the park, having a picnic, which is also fun. I just like doing shit. It don't really matter to me honestly. It's more about the person who I'm with-
Erica: The person you're with, yeah.
Kenrya: Because I could be literally sitting around in a robe watching fucking Mad Men and that's fun as hell. It's just that the person is not boring.
Kenrya: So yeah, that's a long ass answer.
Erica: No, it's fine because I added a lot to your answer too. Okay.
Erica: So I always say, I'm going to tell you how I came up with this question. So I've dated like one white guy. I might have fucked a few white guys, but I believe that, you know how like I don't want to make sweeping stereotypes about races-
Kenrya: But you finna?
Erica: But yeah, I am about to. Just ignorance alert. So you know how if you go to the Olympics and you look at the Olympics and you see the last 10 years who's won gold medals in basketball, most of the people holding gold medals in basketball are probably black men, right?
Kenrya: Yeah. I think that's accurate.
Erica: If you went to the pussy eating Olympics and saw who held gold medals, most of the people would be white men.
Kenrya: Really? I've never had my pussy ate by a white person.
Erica: I'm sorry, y'all can't see me. I literally was like what? Yeah, I would think that most of the gold medal winners would be white man. I'm not saying that black men aren't good at it. Maybe it's the thing of access. Y'all didn't grow up with pussy eating pools in communities as a kid, but nonetheless yeah. White men, Olympic level. There are black men that definitely are the Simone Biles of pussy eating like woo, you really cut through the-
Kenrya: The chaff, the racism.
Erica: Yeah, I was about to say the chaff. You know I'm making up words. You really cut through the wheat. But yeah, white men. So if you were to go gold-
Kenrya: For a sexual act?
Erica: No, if you were to-
Kenrya: Because I got that one. That's dick sucking.
Kenrya: I'm fantastic at it.
Erica: So if the ordinary Olympics were held today. Ordinary Olympics, 2019-
Kenrya: Like not work stuff. Like shit around the house.
Erica: Just whatever. Like ordinary Olympics. What would you go gold in?
Kenrya: I don't know if it's not work. I'm a fucking workaholic.
Erica: Like, well what would you go gold in?
Kenrya: Listen, I can edit like nobody's motherfucking business. I make everything better that I touch.
Erica: If you have received anything via mail, text message, fucking carrier pigeon by Erica in the last, how long have you known me? 20 years?
Kenrya: Yeah, just about.
Erica: Motherfucker. Kenrya has edited it.
Erica: Period point blank.
Kenrya: I'm fucking amazing at editing everything.
Erica: And she's good and she's quick.
Kenrya: Yeah, that's my shit. I was trying to think of a household task, but honestly I mean probably laundry because I stay doing laundry but then I don't fold it.
Erica: You don't like it. So no, you wouldn't go.
Kenrya: Yeah. Like right now my dryer has three loads of laundry, of stuff in it because it was on my bed.
Erica: I'd be silver in laundry.
Kenrya: Would you?
Kenrya: No, my shit's not folded. I just stuffed it back in the dryer so I.
Erica: If it was household Olympics, I'd definitely be the fucking Russia of gymnastics.
Kenrya: Yes, you would.
Erica: I'd be like high stakes.
Kenrya: That's real shit.
Erica: But just one event that I would be fucking gold in would just be in finding efficiencies. Like people come to me and be like, I have this problem. How can I make it easier-
Kenrya: Faster, more economical, all that.
Erica: Like how can I make this easier for me? How can I make it faster? How can I reduce the stress? And that's what I do. Finding efficiencies? Bitch, I go gold.
Kenrya: Yeah, real shit.
Erica: If you want to drill down, nigga, making a list or a fucking spreadsheet, a timeline. I'm fucking gold at that. Like I enjoy rigidity, which is probably why I like getting restraints and shit during sex.
Erica: Yeah. I enjoy rigidity.
Kenrya: Okay. I do not.
Erica: That's kind of gross. But no, I mean it's not gross.
Kenrya: No, it's not at all.
Erica: Okay. Your turn.
Kenrya: Sure. So what was your favorite food as a kid?
Erica: Looking back, I think my favorite food as a kid was my mama's fried pork chops because she bought them cheap ass thin ass pork chops.
Kenrya: You know I don't know nothing about pork chops.
Erica: Oh my God. And she'd just fucking bread them and fry them and for some reason I can taste that shit right now. Maybe because I haven't had it in a while and now I'm drinking and I might start crying because I'm in my feelings about missing my mama. But my mama's fried pork chops, it was just a random let me pull these motherfucking pork chops out and fry them. She bread them and just fucking sprinkle some Lawry's on it probably. It was probably some Murray's or whatever the St Louis ... What was it? Pete's Market, which is the equivalent of Murray's in St Louis.
Kenrya: I don't even know what Murray's is.
Erica: Because you ain't eat meat. Murray's was on H Street. I don't know if Murray's is still open, but it was this hood supermarket. But anyway, it was just my mama's pork chops. My mama's fried pork chops. They were so good. I did not know until I moved out here that people eat apple sauce with pork chops. I was like, that's some-
Kenrya: White people shit, yeah.
Erica: It was definitely some white people shit. We would have pork chops and Kraft macaroni and cheese and whatever canned vegetable was-
Kenrya: Canned vegetables.
Erica: Canned vegetable du jour.
Erica: But my mama's fried pork chops. I don't even think that it was like if you asked me as a kid was that my favorite? I probably wouldn't have been like that was my favorite.
Kenrya: But in hindsight.
Erica: But in hindsight, whenever them fried pork chops came out, them was my motherfucking shit. What about you?
Kenrya: Mashed potatoes. I ain't got no story bitch. I just like mashed potatoes.
Erica: And that is all you need.
Erica: A good carb.
Kenrya: So the next question is what's your favorite now? And honestly it's just carbs. I can't pick one. So you know I bake a lot. I've been trying to bake less because I eat it. But lemon cake, I got my grandmother's lemon cake recipe finally.
Erica: You lemon cake is good.
Kenrya: Yeah, lemon cake, lemon bars. I finally found a really good recipe for that. I like lemon.
Erica: Little sweet, little tart.
Kenrya: I make a-
Erica: That describes who you are in your yellow sweatshirt.
Kenrya: It's true. Yes, as I rock my crop sweatshirt. Ooh. And apple pies.
Erica: Bitch, your apple pie. Bitch, you aint make a apple pie last year.
Kenrya: I did make apple pie last year.
Erica: But now that we're closer I could actually get some.
Kenrya: Exactly. And I'm going to make a few of them so I'll make one for y'all.
Erica: Bitch don't make one for me. I'll just come upstairs and get some because I'm not going to eat-
Kenrya: Why not make it for your whole house?
Erica: They ain't going to eat it enough.
Kenrya: So you're going to eat it before they get to it [crosstalk 00:18:13].
Erica: Of the apple pie.
Kenrya: Yeah, carbs.
Erica: Right now I think my favorite food is homemade fried chicken.
Kenrya: So that you make?
Erica: Well it's something that somebody ...
Kenrya: It's got to be somebody-
Erica: Not Popeye's. Somebody's mama got some chicken, thawed it out, fried it. Well got some chicken, sprinkled some Lawry's, bread it in some regular-
Kenrya: And fried that shit hard.
Erica: I don't need that double battered dipped shit. No, just fucking fried chicken. And I think it goes back to the pork chops. It's just that I ain't trying to eat pork like that. I mean I fuck up some pork but I ain't really eating pork chops like that. But yeah, just some homemade fried chicken with some good ass hot sauce.
Kenrya: Okay. I like it.
Erica: I feel like every time I go out and I get fried chicken, I'm chasing like homemade fried chicken. It's like bitch, you should just fucking fry some chicken at home.
Kenrya: But I'm about to say is that ever as good as just-
Erica: No. And I should probably just be frying chicken at home but I shouldn't be frying chicken at the house.
Kenrya: How often do you, I almost said, because one of my favorites is-
Erica: I have a little Fry Daddy.
Kenrya: Oh yeah you do.
Erica: But who wants to fry chicken at home? Then you got fucking fried chicken grease.
Kenrya: I mean there's that. Like my kid requests fried fish and spaghetti because yeah-
Erica: Maybe we'll fry some fish this week. We going to put a pin in that. I'll fry some fish this week. You make some pasta, and we'll feed the kids.
Kenrya: All right.
Erica: All right. So when you were a kid, what seemed like the best thing about being an adult? When you were a kid, what was just like when I'm an adult, I'm going to do bam.
Kenrya: I mean, honestly I think it was just this general like I get to do whatever the fuck I want to do. The idea that somehow as an adult that you have not boundaries but like-
Erica: Can't nobody tell me nothing.
Kenrya: Can't nobody tell me shit. Yeah.
Erica: You know what? I think that's why them kids think that, Old Town Road.
Kenrya: That's exactly how they want to feel that way. And I think that that was what I thought adulthood was going to be. But I ain't realized-
Erica: 'Til Sallie Mae telling you what the fuck you're supposed to do.
Erica: 'Til your job tell you what the fuck you're supposed to do.
Kenrya: When you were a kid, you just had your guardians and your teachers telling you what to do. But now God damn, they just won't leave me alone.
Erica: That's why I enjoy the idea of being a submissive, like tell me what to do. So I ain't got to worry about nothing else.
Kenrya: I don't like people telling me what to do. It is one of my biggest peeves. So that and passive aggressiveness.
Erica: Okay. So take it a step further. What's your favorite thing about adulthood now that you're an adult?
Kenrya: Probably that I do what I want but I don't.
Erica: Okay. If you had to name one thing that's like, Oh this makes me feel like an adult. What would it be?
Kenrya: Probably leaving out of my house in the middle of the night to go fuck or ... being like I'm going to go do this right now at a time. Especially if I don't have my kids. So it really is there's no accountability. Like I just fucking go and if it's not with a stranger so I don't have to send my location to you so I can legitimately just leave on my own. And I ain't got to tell nobody where the fuck I'm going and I just go do it. And then it's dessert in the middle of the night or it's getting some head in the middle, whatever the fuck. I feel like those are the moments when I'm like, yeah, ain't nobody looking over my shoulder because I hate people looking over my shoulder. This is why I work at home.
Kenrya: I'm not built for that.
Erica: Okay. So for me it is, I know it sounds so fucking simple, but I'd like cool air but I also like fresh air. So I will turn up the AC high as hell on my car and roll down the windows.
Kenrya: Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's another.
Erica: I'll take the top off and fucking have the AC be on. I be riding like, you know what mama? Suck it because I got the AC on and the windows down.
Kenrya: That's a great one. And I do that shit and I do, I feel like such a fucking autonomous adult. Then my music is always loud and ignorant.
Kenrya: Yeah. It's a beautiful thing.
Erica: Okay, cool. All right. What you got for me?
Kenrya: Okay. Oh, okay. What is your favorite random fact about me?
Kenrya: Right now I'm sitting here trying to think of what's my favorite random- Ooh, I got it.
Erica: Now here's the thing. Now I've been drinking, I might actually cry.
Kenrya: Mine ain't sweet.
Kenrya: Okay let me think of a sweet one.
Erica: No, don't even, don't even. No, the thing is, Kenrya is just like I look at you ... So let me just say, when I think about, and this goes back to therapy and all this shit, but I think about who I was as a dirty little kid and I think like I am living a fabulous fucking life. I am blessed to have the people in my life that I have in my life. And so I look at you as my best friend. I'm like, yo, this bitch, my best friend. She love me and I know all her shit. Like, and so I just think you are a dope ass person all around and I feel blessed for you to let me in on that.
Kenrya: Oh, that's actually a big deal because you know I don't fuck with most people.
Erica: What? Tosses hair. Gotcha, bitch.
Erica: No, but I mean I just feel really blessed to have the people in my life, but bigger than that, have you as my best friend. Because I sit back and think about the things you have done. I be bragging on you like I gave birth to you. And so it's just really fucking dope to have you in my life, but also for you to let me in your life. And so I'm just like, yo, this bitch is fucking amazing. I mean not even a random fact, but just the fact that you're an accomplished author. You've written so many books, like this bitch be on TV. I be sending clips to my family, like yo, when she was here, I was watching her daughter. I helped her pick out that shirt. So yeah, not necessarily a random fact, but just the fact that you have ... then knowing you so well and seeing where you've come from. Like it's just like yo, this is my bitch. Like this is my bitch. So yeah, that's my favorite random fact that you let me in.
Kenrya: That's very sweet.
Erica: So, okay. And now here comes Kenrya with some ignorance.
Kenrya: I know. My shit ain't sweet at all. But thank you. That's amazing. Erica is also dope. See, I felt like that nigga who shall not be named, but who likes the 45th president who has all the amazing quotes, and we can't use him anymore. I would like to say we dope and we do dope shit.
Erica: Yeah, but he's horrible.
Kenrya: But he's ruined everything. Fucking dude.
Kenrya: My random fact is that Erica don't fuck with birds.
Erica: I fucking hate birds. Yo I was out with a dude the other day. Told him this story how I was out. How I damn near broke up with a boyfriend in college because this motherfucker was letting the seagulls follow me on the Jersey shore. I'm like walking around with a fucking hamburger. Like get them the fuck away. He was like, yo, you're holding a hamburger and fucking seagulls are following you. That's what the fuck they do. I don't fuck with birds.
Kenrya: You don't fuck with birds. We took the kids to the beach, and they was hungry. She was like, y'all got to get in this tent.
Erica: Eat that shit quick as fuck. I'm trying to eat as fast as I can.
Kenrya: Them kids ate them damn sandwiches in like three minutes because she was scared of them damn seagulls.
Erica: I don't fuck with birds.
Kenrya: You don't, and you never have.
Erica: Fuck you.
Kenrya: And it is hilarious.
Erica: Okay, so this wraps up this episode-
Kenrya: Our first quickie.
Erica: Of quickies. Yay, yay, yay motherfuckers. Yay, yay, yay. So Erica and Kenrya, two hoes making it clap.
Erica: We hope you enjoyed this week's quickie. We're hard at work on season two of The Turn On, finding fantastic books to share and amazing experts to join us in the studio. And we're counting the days until we return on January 1st. In the meantime, keep hitting us up at email@example.com with your book recommendations and burning sex and related questions. And follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnpod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast so you don't miss a minute. And remember The Turn On is a part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find more podcasts you love at Frolic.media/podcast. Thanks for listening and we'll see you soon.
The Turn On
The Turn On is a podcast for Black people who want to get off. To open their minds. To learn. To be part of a community. To show that we love and fuck too, and it doesn't have to be political or scandalous or dirty. Unless we want it to be.