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In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya read K.A. Smith's "Parking" and talk about having car sex, keeping things fresh and remembering that you're a bad bitch.
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Kenrya: Come here, get off.
Erica: Okay y'all, welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On. This week we are reading “Parking,” which was written in 2014 by the fabulous K.A. Smith. So sit back, relax, get your wine, your weed and whatever you need and enjoy.
Kenrya: “Parking,” by K.A Smith. Vivian pulled the car to a stop on the street instead of pulling into our driveway. I lifted my hand, half asleep from the long drive home, and looked out the window. Even in the dark of night, I could see I needed to spend some time weeding near the fence. I made a mental note to take care of it tomorrow before it got too hot.
Kenrya: I looked over at Viv wondering only briefly why she hadn't just pulled up to the house. The 66 Charger grumbled harshly as we sat. I had never been crazy for this loud hunk of metal, but Viv loved it. And when she suggested we take it tonight, I couldn't find a reason not to. "Did you forget the garage clicker?" I leaned back against the headrest, a smile tugging at my sleepy mouth. She was always forgetting things. Just that morning she forgotten her wallet. I met her at the door, my short robe, breasts peeking out teasingly, "Did you forget something?" I waved her wallet in the air playfully. She ambled up the driveway, shaking her hand and grinning sheepishly. "No, I didn't forget," she said next to me now.
Kenrya: Her voice held a hint of desire, gravel thick and rough. She turned to look at me. Her eyes held the same sumptuous tone of flecks of gold shimmering. She’d cracked the window, letting a tendril of air curl inside. "Then just pull into the garage babe, I'm ready to get out of this dress." She raised her eyebrows suggestively, her cheeky grin hanging on her face. "I can help with that," her face implied. I looked her over in the driver's seat. She was a fine dapper gentle lady in her all-black suit. Viv was suave, laid back, but always thinking behind those almost black eyes. I let my vision feel with her moving over her slowly, wondering what thoughts she had working behind those intense orbs of hers.
Kenrya: “Let's stay here a minute.” She settled back into the lush leather seat after turning the ignition off. Her body tilted toward me at an angle. Viv propped one leg slightly in the curve of the low slung door and spread her legs a bit. The streetlights splashed across her lap accentuating her generous package. She put her hand on her thigh, spreading her fingers out. Her thumb twitching near her hardon, outlining its silhouette. "Come here," she said, her voice slipping into a lower register. She nodded me over with a cocky head tilt, still rubbing her leg beneath her slacks. Her firm thigh strained against the material. The air in the car was becoming thick and hot despite the vents she left open in the window. I felt the air pressing down on this, creating electricity from our heat.
Kenrya: Viv? I questioned, feigning surprise. I kept my voice low, but excitement and anticipation was creeping in on me. Was she attempting to seduce me? Are we parking right here in front of our house? "Come here," she said again. And this time she lifted my hand onto her lap and rubbed herself against me. She was hard. Vivian tried to maintain her composure not wanting to rush me all at the same time, but our engine was revved and far from idle. I felt the tiny hair stand all over my body, my sensor liquefying and rushing toward my car.
Kenrya: I kept my hand on her lap, absorbing her heat. "What do you want?" I asked, playing a flirter in my eyelashes. "You know what I want baby." Viv reached down between her legs quickly and pulled the lash to adjust the seat, grip, the seat rolled back to its furthest notch, fast with a hard stop. She stretched her legs out, spreading them even wider. Pressing deeper into my palm with a single upward thrust of her hips. The moving seat jostled me, jerking me along with her. She reclined the lumbar to a more comfortable position waiting. I bit down on my lip to quiet my surprise. Her quick movements made me giddy and a little bit flustered like a high school kid about to get in over her head. I was no longer drowsy from the car ride. Her spontaneity made my pulse thump in my ears.
Kenrya: I lifted my knees into my seat under my but so I could face her better. But I paused for a moment making my eye contact count. I've never done that before, I whispered lowly, grinning and leaning over her. If this is what she wanted then she'd have to let me play my part. I worked my hand along the shaft of her cock slowly, grinding my palm against her so she could feel everything my fingers were about to do to her. I want her to understand my intention. She groaned and let her hair fall back against the seat pushing into my hand, "Come on Stace, don't be a tease." A smile played on her face as she said it, such a corny weak line to try to persuade me, but I knew what she was doing and I couldn't help but smile too.
Kenrya: Viv put her hand on my thigh kneading me through the skirt of my dress. Her touch caused a heat in me like no other lover ever had. It was instantaneous, sparking, igniting, and then spreading all over me as soon as she placed as much as a finger on me. She knew my body better than I did. Fifteen years together and her kisses still made me dizzy. Her touch me all of my nerve endings spire rapidly until I was completely spent. She held me at the waist, spider walking her fingers up to the sides of my dress.
Kenrya: She pulled it down slowly, then slipped her hand inside catching only bare skin. I didn't wear a slip or a bra. She found out quickly just how naked I was underneath my black chiffon and sequins. She murmured deeper in her throat. Both my nipples tightened to peak as Viv trailed her fingertips over my skin. She pinched at my breasts as her fingers made their way to my sharp, stiff nipples. Rolling my tip between her fingers, she administered more for persuasive techniques. "What if the neighbors see?" I whisper. "They won't baby, I promise." Viv was right. The way she parked at the end of our driveway had us between a row of hedges with the streetlamp behind us.
Kenrya: I looked out the rear window then back at her, she must have been thinking about this for a while, me and her swaddled than a darkness of the front seat of our car. She slipped my dress far enough off my shoulder so it fell to my waist. Our breast dangled free, and she kept one in her hand, twisting and teasing me with firm pressure from her fingers. "Please, Stacey, I got a feel you on me, baby." Her voice was all tension and knots and liquid desire. I want us to prolong this tantalizing pleasure, but I was just as worked up as she was, the confined space at the front seat, the gear shift pressing into my thigh made me tingle. It had been a long time since I parked in the car and fogged up the windows with a cute girl.
Kenrya: And here we were in our after gala finery and the car outside of our house acting like two teenagers who might get caught fooling around. I wondered if this was in her plan from the beginning tonight. She took a painstakingly longer time to get ready than usual. I was well into my dress and heels before she was dressed for the fundraiser. No, this couldn't have just occurred to her on the way home. Thinking about her premeditated actions had me squirming in my seat. I unzipped her trousers with one flick of the wrist, tucking my hand inside for a quick feel. Oh, she definitely planned this little seduction. The silk of her briefs whispered against my palm.
Kenrya: She was packing something special just for me, a piston to deliver a series of long, hard strokes. How she's been so calm, cool and collected all night as I whisked her around the room of the museum, introducing her to people was such a rod in her pants? With her hand firmly tucked in mine, she hadn't given me any inclination of what was in store for me. Vivian helped me pull her cock out and on first glance at her thick member my cunt paused and a moan escaped my throat. I nibble my lips a little, wet in my mouth preparing. I wrapped my hand around a base of her cock watching Viv rock her hips slowly. I leaned in, settling into position over her. She was impatient, rocking and thrusting her hips upward to meet my lips.
Kenrya: With her hand firmly on the back of my neck, she guided me down over her. I licked the tip wetting it real good. I felt her eyes had on me and I knew she liked it when I coated her shaft in a thick layer of saliva. Viv held herself still as I took her into my mouth inch by inch. She filled my heart whole, soul completely. There was hardly any room for my tongue to work. A tongue underside of her cock as I took it in and out. I wrapped my lips around her tits, swirling and licking with my tongue listening to her cool, then took her in again all the way to the base.
Kenrya: With one hand I got the button of her trousers completely undone, freeing her. She lifted at her hips, pushing her pants further down. I continue sucking on her hard cock, sneaking my hand inside her clothes. Beneath her boxers I found her slick, so much so that her short hairs and outer lips were coded in her wet juice. I inhaled the heavy aroma of her cunt, then I played with her wetness, teasing and stroking her with a light touch. Then with the back of my fingers, I nudged and prodded her with my knuckles and took her deep into my mouth and back out again and again. Her secret held tightly behind her lips all night, must've been more than enough to arouse her to such state.
Kenrya: The feel of her silky drawers rubbing against her ass and pussy lips the entire evening, bringing her closer and closer to climax as the night wore on had made her delirious with want. I curl my fingers over her mound, spreading her lips slightly. She spread her legs wide giving me more room to slip inside. Her hips thrust into my touch pushing her cock deep into my throat. Any further and I might gag but she felt so good and smooth inside me, I didn't dare stop. I slipped a finger into her, her lips partying easily for me. Her breath huffed in and out and short choppy guffs, clouding the windows. She could try to hold off her climax as much as she wanted, but I wanted to feel her clench tight around my fingers and her hips bucking wildly. I wanted her to cum, and I knew exactly how to get her off.
Kenrya: I thrust inside her drenched cunt. Two fingers then three. She coded my fingers with each pulse inside of her. She threw her head back against the headrest grunts and a grown rising from her throat. Her sounds roar and unrestrained kept me pumping inside of her into her cry of pleasure echo throughout the hot dank car. Thumbing her clit and slipping a fourth finger insider resulted in an immediate release. She gripped my ass as her orgasm took her again. Her cunt gushed warm sat from her pussy all over my hand. "Stacey, baby, oh." She jerked as my fingertips massage the plush center of her G-spot and a come-hither flick of my fingertips.
Kenrya: She writhed beneath me so hard I banged into the steering wheel, my elbow hitting the horn and startling us boat. I let out a garbled shriek, then immediately burst out laughing her cock sliding from my mouth. Viv's booming laughter rolled off her tongue interspersed with heavy breathing. Her body shook beneath me, shaking me as well. My hands flew to my mouth, trying to stifle my laughter, but there was no reigning it in. Vivian reclined with one arm, cradling her head and the other hand tracing a line over my ear to my jaw. Even in the dark her face was bright with an ear-to-ear smile. She tried to catch her breath, sweat beads breaking out over her upper lip as I straddled her lap, pushing my high crotch into her. Hmm, I leaned in for a kiss, letting her taste herself on my mouth. Her tongue wrestled with mine, pushing and fluttering inside my mouth. Hmm, she groaned blowing over my lips. I've been waiting all night for some time alone with you.
Erica: Okay y'all, so welcome back. Damn, I just realized all I do is say, "Okay, y'all so," that's my-
Kenrya: That's your thing.
Erica: Now that we've been doing like Instagram videos [crosstalk 00:14:46] and stuff. I say, "Okay y'all so," and I realized that I say that because the caption thing that we use edits it to, okay also. Anyway, okay y'all, so welcome back. That was “Parking” by K.A. Smith, which was written in 2014. This is a short story, but we had to condense it in order to kind of not have y'all sit in listening for-
Kenrya: The whole time.
Erica: The whole time. Just a little, I don't know why I want to say non sequitur, what is wrong with me today? We're recording a little later than normal and I don't have any alcohol. I was thinking I was going to have a glass of champagne or something tonight.
Kenrya: No. Are you're off meds?
Erica: I've been off meds since Saturday.
Kenrya: Okay. Nevermind.
Erica: Yeah. Okay. Anyway, so a little summary.
Kenrya: Bitch, wait I had a dream I was drinking last night. No, you know I haven't had a drink in ...
Erica: I know, so why are you dreaming about drinking?
Kenrya: I don't know, I mean I ain't drinking like that.
Erica: Oh, you were like drinking, drinking.
Kenrya: I mean not like drunk, but enjoying an alcoholic beverage and talking to my friends, which is not a thing I do.
Erica: I realized today was the day that I got the call that it was cancer. And so I was like, a bitch deserves a little some something.
Kenrya: With your dinner.
Erica: But I want a big nasty burger.
Kenrya: Enjoy it.
Erica: Okay. We are going to tell the summary of the story, a good summation of the story. Long story short, this story is about two women. They've been together for a really long time. They go out one night to, I guess it's some fancy event. And fancy event is over, they're coming back, pulling up at the crib and it's like, "Ooh, let's get in, I'm trying to get out this girdle" But old girl's wife was like, "Uh-uh, you're going to get out this girdle, but we're going to get out of it together in the car."
Kenrya: Yeah, the throwback situation.
Erica: Yeah. And, okay, like I said, one of the things I loved about this is because it reminded me of going to fancy events for work and stuff. And literally I didn't do a lot of that with my husband, but I definitely with my girlfriends or dates or whatever. And I always remember leaving and being in an elevator with some random white couple, random person, with like one shoe off, my gut hanging over my Spanx, like, woo. I mean, you look at some other woman who was like, she'll put together and she's like, "Girl, me too."
Kenrya: There's solidarity in that moment.
Erica: It is. You know what? It is like that whole like. One of my things that I've loved lately is on TikToK. There's this audio and it's like, "Girl, I got to go, I'm doing hot girl shit."
Kenrya: Is that the one where she had her grandma doing the hot girl shit? Oh.
Erica: No. This one is just like women and they're like, "Girl, I got to go. I'm doing hot girl shit." And then it cuts to Megan Thee Stallion Girls in the Hood, "fuck being good, I'm a bad bitch." But then it was women doing like, taking off their bra. It's like, "Girl, I got to go. I'm doing hot girl." Bitch, that's why you got to follow.
Kenrya: I know I've seen that sound but the ones that I saw was like, it was one with a family dancing.
Erica: I literally sent you one.
Kenrya: There was one.
Erica: No, I literally sent you one. I literally sent you one because it was like, girl, I got to go, I'm doing hot girl shit. And it cuts to the chick and she's in the mirror popping ingrown hair in her bikini. And I'm like-
Kenrya: It me.
Erica: Yes, this is hot girl shit. I love it because it's always like some oddly specific thing-
Kenrya: The ring is really true.
Erica: ... that all women do. And that I'm like, the whole going to a gala, coming home and being like, "Ooh."
Kenrya: Get up and shit.
Erica: Let me uncase this sausage from this little brain.
Kenrya: Listen, I got to say, 2020, obviously dumpster fire, lit on fire with kerosene and whatever accelerator you can think of. But it's also the year that I may have given up bras almost entirely forever.
Erica: Bitch, bras and draws.
Kenrya: Oh yeah, now I haven't worn underwear…
Erica: I wear men's boxer briefs around the house. They're my pajama pants and my pajama bottoms or whatever. I've started just wearing them out.
Kenrya: Okay. That's [inaudible 00:20:12].
Erica: I mean, oh, no, no, not like out out, but I've worn them out under clothes occasionally, if I'm running to the grocery store and I have on a thin, I have various joggers. I might have one under joggers and I'm just like, "Erica, this is not bad bitch."
Kenrya: I mean, who cares?
Erica: But they're so comfy. So yeah, I can't even imagine going back to life.
Kenrya: I just don't, I mean life, yes sure, but not life that involves restrictive underclothing. I just don't want to do it. And yo, I wore that sheer shirt for our live show and I had to wear a bra, because I had to put the girls somewhere. And the first bra I put on, girl, it barely covered the nipple. I've gained so much weight and my titties have gotten so much bigger. And I literally laughed because the bra was laughing at me.
Erica: All you could do is just laugh this shit out like you know what. I haven't seen “WALL-E,” but the one thing that I know about “WALL-E” is that the humans in that movie, that Disney movie “WALL-E.” The humans in the movie they're all like blobs in chairs, in hovers scooters or something, because they can't move, because they literally just sit around. And I kind of feel like that's me because I'm not moving as much as I should be. And so I had my foot surgery and so I got my left monkey paw taken care of.
Erica: I'm in bed doing, not crunches but leg lifts and that kind of stuff. And not even from, I need to look good because I feel like we're all going to come out of this and just be happy we look. And then we're like, girl, that dent in your ass from sitting [inaudible 00:22:21].
Kenrya: Look good.
Erica: You look good [inaudible 00:22:24]. I mean, I think we're all coming out, are going to come out of this, just happy we made it. I don't feel like there's this-
Kenrya: Good, no pleasure, no.
Erica: ... crazy need to like ... I mean, this is me now. I'm like, later on. But right now I don't feel there's this crazy need to look a particular way. I'm so thankful. I'm so focused on the experiences and what's going to happen. And so I'm like, "Bitch, my body needs to be healthy, so I can walk to this secluded ass beach and lay out for a day." That's how my brain is thinking.
Kenrya: That's true.
Erica: I don't know how we got here.
Kenrya: We're talking about undergarments and the fact that they are-
Kenrya: ... restrictive tools of the patriarchy that are meant to-
Erica: Tools of the patriarchy.
Kenrya: Yeah, they force us into thinking that the way that our things stay on their own is not okay.
Erica: The things be thanging. I have a good amount of pasties to cover up my-
Kenrya: Well, also you don't have to wear bras anymore.
Erica: That's it. You don't need to.
Kenrya: Well, yes, this is true, but also your titties don't hang down in the way that mine do anymore. But I've also just decided I don't care. I mean, I had a bunch of doctor's appointments yesterday, did I wear a bra? I might've worn a sports bra. I've also gotten some really comfortable sports bras that I wear when I walk or whatever. And so sometimes if I feel so inclined, yesterday I had to do an EKG. I had to do all this stuff, so I was having to constantly take off my clothes. And so I was like, "I'd rather not have my nipples out and flinging around everywhere." So I'll choose a sports bra, which at least feels a little bit less restricted but underwear, no.
Erica: I generally wear sports bras to bed because I had my incident with-
Kenrya: Moving around.
Erica: ... titty moving around, my implant moving around in my chest. I generally wear sports bras to sleep just because am a wild sleeper, I move a lot. And then I wear a sports bra when I'm working out. But during the daytime, that's when I'm letting it loose. And out of this winter, so you can't like I'm wearing something heavy, so you can't see. Bitch, free the titty. Free tit. Okay. Speaking of underpinnings and things under your body, under your clothing. One of the big things that was great in this story was how I don't even remember the characters names. Oh my goodness. How the characters surprise Viv and Stacey. Okay, so Viv was a partner with the surprise. Stacey was the one narrating the story.
Erica: And so Viv surprised Stacey with a special surprise in her underpinning. She was wearing a strap the whole night, and then Stacey realized that once they got home, well, once they got parked and started their whole process. And I was like, "Oh, this is great."
Kenrya: It's like on Twitter when you open for a surprise.
Kenrya: I was like, "Hey, surprise."
Erica: Hey, open for a surprise. And I love it because it took like just the basic night and then turned it ... At that point I could just only imagine Stacey like, "Oh, shit." And went back to various points in the night knowing that Viv had this surprise for her. Oh, I love it. That was my chef's kiss. Do you think, have you done any little surprises like that throughout the night or?
Kenrya: Oh, I have. But I mean it's like lingerie that was unexpected, that kind of thing. So some with the nipples out of it or that kind of thing or crotchless or whatever. So that like once we got alone and that may not have ... they may or not have been back into a home. There was a little surprise to reveal that I was hiding all night. And what I like about it is it makes ... for me it tunes me into my own sexuality and my own feelings kind of way, so I'm bothered by the time it's already.
Erica: So by the time ... so he might even notice because he's like, "Damn, what's wrong with your [crosstalk 00:27:03]."
Kenrya: Yeah. Y'all sliding round and shit. Yeah. Also it's not just a surprise for my partner's surprise, it's cool for me too. How about you?
Erica: Yeah. With me it's really hard. I hate surprises because I like to know everything. I want to know all that's going on, I want to know what's coming around the corner. But I love giving surprises, but I'm also really horribly giving surprises because it's like, I want you to have the joy. I need you to experience this joy now. I told my brother today like, "You want to know what I got you for Christmas?" He was like, "No." I said, "Well, I'm going to show you." He was like, "No." So I did not.
Erica: It took a lot, I didn't do it. Okay. Shit. Anyway-
Kenrya: No, we've been having the same struggle on the scene. He's like, "Well, just tell me one thing and then I'll tell you one thing." And I'm like, "I like to be surprised, so no. Thanks." I literally did not, but he just wants to know so bad.
Erica: Oh, okay. My problem is I'll do something like that and then-
Kenrya: Maybe later regret it.
Erica: ... literally come out the bathroom and be like, "I ain't got on draws." Well, I mean, which is still great. I mean, well, first you're going to have no bras. Okay, whatever. But it still works because I might say it as we're walking out the door. So now you got to think about it with me. I'm like, "Okay, I got this surprise. We got this surprise. So what we going to do with it later on?" I have done that. One time, oh God, damn, sorry, I have first 48 on, and they are molly whopping the shit out of this girl.
Kenrya: Are they in Cleveland? You know they be in Cleveland.
Erica: Anyway, you know what actually, I think it is. I am almost positive, it's like a bar fight, not a bar fight, it's a club fight.
Kenrya: Very often that is how they are.
Erica: And I'm almost positive this is Cleveland.
Kenrya: It's like Cleveland, Miami police.
Erica: Yeah, Cleveland police. Yeah, Cleveland. Anyway, so one time I was out with this guy and we were, and I had bought some lingerie and so I found that different guys that I've dated have different lingerie styles. Some be like, "No, fuck it. I don't like lingerie." There was this one guy I was with who like, you know how you would see lingerie, Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie and be like, "Who the fuck would wear this shit?" He liked that.
Kenrya: I don't care.
Erica: He likes the nastier the fucking better. He wants skank. He wants like whole freak, nasty lingerie. And that just wasn't my style, but he liked it, so I buy it, well, he buy it and I wear. Anyway, so one night we were out, we were meeting for drinks or something then going to go back to the hotel and fuck. He texts me and says, "Hey, I'm pulling up. I'm in a hotel lobby." And as he walks in, I text him a link to lingerie that I had on which didn't look like-
Kenrya: Like you had, right.
Erica: Yeah. Anyway, he was like, "What's this?" And I was like, "I'll be wearing that," or something like that. And so he came in and I was in a dress and then he looked and was like, "Oh, okay." And then we were meeting people-
Kenrya: That's cute.
Erica: ... so that was fun and cute little thing to ... Because again, I want people ... I need to be like, "What you doing? You like it? You like it?" Kenrya is laughing because she knows this is exactly how I am. I was literally texting her pictures of the gift that I got her daughter for Christmas, because I'm so excited.
Kenrya: That's true.
Erica: Anyway, so yeah, I love the idea of that silent surprise and the strap was that. I'm going to try to discuss this in a non-problematic way and I will. And look, y'all ain't going to be crucifying my ass or I'm going to my edit this out if it is problematic. But anyway, during our live show we had a VIP experience for some of our very important listeners. And during the VIP experience, we did this game where we were talking about pervatables and we had people find stuff around the house. The judge was one of our play cousins, well, not even one of our play cousins of the show-
Kenrya: The play cousin of the show.
Erica: ... our only play cousin of the show. The play cousin of the show. And someone had pervatable that had a phallic object.
Kenrya: I don't know which one you're talking about, I think there was more than one.
Erica: It was ice cream scooper or whatever.
Kenrya: Oh yeah.
Erica: And so the [inaudible 00:32:48] shows like, look, I'm a lesbian, but I still appreciate it. And I was like, "Thank you for saying that.” And I think another ... We had a guy on that was just like, "Ooh, I didn't think about that." And so I liked the idea of how the strap was a part of the story, because it's like, just because you're ... and this is where I'm trying not to sound problematic, so stop me Kenrya, do this. But I think it was great to show in the story that just because they're two women that don't mean they don't want to like fuck a hole, right?
Kenrya: Yes. I mean, I will say of course the flip side of that is that very often people think that the only way that people without penises can have sex is to introduce a fake one, right. But that doesn't mean that having that be a part of your toolbox means that that's the only thing that you like, right. It was cool to see in this case, and it was not what they always use, right, and the way that they always see it.
Erica: And I was about to say, I feel like it was great because it seemed like it was a surprise like, "Ooh, we doing this today because we don't necessarily always do that." And also like, again, just because you're lesbian don't mean you hate dicks, like no, a lot of times dick is good, it's the person being attached to the motherfucker that's a problem.
Kenrya: Yeah. And I mean they treated the strap really in the same way that a dildo would be treated in some other story with a straight couple or whatever, it was a tool. And it was fun and it was a surprise, but it wasn't like this is the only way that we know how to get off. This is a way that we add something different in this moment to the way that we have sex, and that was pretty fucking cool.
Erica: Yeah, I liked it, I thought it was dope. And again, I loved the little sexy surprise, just like, hmm, hmm, hmm. And so kind of the main idea of this story is that this was a couple that had been together for a long time and they wanted to spice things up and do something a little different. So not only was the, "Hey, we're going to park. Hey, I'm going to hide my strap under my clothes and surprise you with it." Because they could have did that at home. They also decided to park. Did they park in front of the house or was it a few doors down?
Kenrya: In front of the house, yeah.
Erica: Okay. In my mind it was a few doors down but now I'm like-
Kenrya: It was something they had just like-
Erica: But I'm like, "Niggas don't park in front of their neighbor's house to fuck." Anyway, yeah. They decided to spice things up and I thought that was really great of Viv to think of, okay, how are we going to make this feel a little special, a little different.
Kenrya: A little risqué, add a little bit of, oh, we could get caught in here, because ain't nobody catching you in your own bedroom, little extra.
Erica: Your kids, but yeah. Talk about a cock blocker, but yeah. And I think that we ... Let's be honest, no matter how much you love your partner, shit get old after a while, it can. And so I think that I'm going to say, yeah, things can get old after a while. And so I think it's great to come up with different ways to keep things spicy. And it could be just as simple as like, we always fuck in our bed, let's go fuck in the front, on the couch. I thought that was super sexy for her to pull out the fancy car and park in front of the neighbor's house, not in front of the neighbor's house, but in my mind is in front of the neighbor's house.
Kenrya: Even if it had been in their driveway or any of that. I mean, it's just fun. I don't like to use the word, old, I like to use the word routine. I feel like it's a little bit more accurate, right?
Erica: Yeah. Because you can be with somebody for three months and the shit get-
Kenrya: Right, because you find ways that both of you come and then you just go straight to those and there's no mixing it up and whatever. And I don't think there's anything wrong with knowing the ways that work because a good ... we can both get off in 10 minutes has a very good place in your arsenal.
Erica: Yeah. Again, I don't need you fucking my brains out.
Kenrya: I don't want it actually. That's not for me because I get sore.
Erica: These tissues are delicate.
Kenrya: And they are. But yeah, like you said, a change of location can mean a lot of things, a very small variance in a position can also really change things up. All of the little tiny changes that can change the way that you relate to your person that makes it go from feeling routine to feeling really cool and new.
Erica: And I think that making use of what you got and what's around the house.
Erica: I think, especially-
Erica: What did you say? Pervatables. Did we talk about pervatables? We talked about pervatables in some show.
Kenrya: We talked about it on episode seven, [inaudible 00:38:27].
Erica: Yes. Okay. So we don't have to give the glossary again. Go back to episode seven to learn about pervatables. But yeah, I think that especially now where we're living in the age of COVID, we're living in a panoramic, I keep referring to it as a panoramic now. Now that we're living in panoramic where it's a lot more difficult, so you can't go out to the club. Because one of my favorite things to do with the partner is go out, get drunk, come home. And I mean, not that drunk is a part of it. Go out, have a good time, party and then come home and be like, "I'm going to tear that shit up." On the way home flirting, giving head in the car, that kind of thing. And because we can't do it now and I'm like, I got partners to do this with. But because we can't do it now, I feel like there probably is some routine in sex. Do you feel like your sex has become routine because of the panoramic or do you think that because you're home more, y'all got more time to like really-
Kenrya: I don't actually think we have more time because there's a kid here all the time, so no. And I don't think it's ... no, I don't. I do think that we've gotten better at popping in for the quickie. I think our first year maybe he had more to prove, and so we was having. You know what I mean? And I-
Erica: He was like, I got to imprint on this pussy.
Kenrya: Listen, I don't have to. We got a long time, we can, you know; for example, over last weekend, we went a couple of times in a day and they weren't long sessions, but God, it was just so good. And it wasn't anything extra special or out of the ordinary necessarily. It's just really nice to connect in that way, even when shit is shitty around. But no, I wouldn't say it's become routine. It's just still fun. I hope it stays forever.
Erica: Okay. All right. We'll have to pose that question. I mean, I think we've gotten a few live questions from our listeners in our grab bags and stuff about that, but I'd like to hear if people feel like being at home in this pandemic has been helpful or a little more challenging on the sex that they have with their partner.
Kenrya: Yeah, it has given us less time. I'm thinking about it, it used to be ... Sometimes we would have an afternoon session while my daughter was at school. We would have lunch and we'd have sex on the couch. We don't get to do that anymore because class is in my office.
Erica: Yeah. And I'm also thinking like, we're at home all the time, so now I see that you chew with your mouth open or-
Kenrya: Oh, no.
Erica: ... more, something like that.
Kenrya: But yeah, I bet you there are people who are a little disgusted. Like, "Nigga, oh, so you clip your toenails every time you watch this TV show. Can you do that in that room?"
Erica: Again, TikToK. Is it TikTok or Instagram? There was something that was dating before the world. It's like trying to find a cuddle buddy before we go into the second wave or into this next thing. And it's like, my name is so-and-so, these are my shows, this is how I chew. Give me the basics. Let's see if we can make it to March together.
Kenrya: Yeah, that's real.
Erica: It's the ghetto. You don't have to be happy that you're not slumming, Kenrya. You don't have to slum like us.
Kenrya: I am, I am very happy I'm fucked up on that front. This has been a beautiful thing actually being in a good relationship during the panny.
Erica: Yeah. Because honey I'm just out here just-
Erica: Yeah, damn. And the thing is like, I have a bubble, but it would be like ... This vaccine needs to come and it needs to come quick and need to like ... I was reading somewhere that we're not going to get ... they don't think we'll have a significant amount of folks vaccinated till summer.
Kenrya: Late summer, yeah, that's what I read too. That's going to be a while. And y'all we’re recording this in December.
Erica: It has been this way since March.
Erica: Okay. There were probably a lot of people in winter of 2019 that was like, "Hey, I got to get me a cuddle buddy to make it through the winter." I'm like two of them motherfuckers. I should have been thinking.
Kenrya: No, because then you could've ended up like one of these motherfuckers writing into The Read talking about, “So should I break up with this nigga now or later?” You're stuck with somebody awful, because you didn't want to be alone.
Erica: Woo. Yeah, you're preaching a word. Okay. When you're together for a while, and kind of touch on this with our guests that we have next week. But sometimes you got to be reminded of things. You lose sight of the fact that you got a bad bitch, you got a bad nigga. And I like that Viv was like, "Come on, Stacey boo. Don't forget this is some hard shit." I wanted to know with you Kenrya. I mean, I know you and your partner, maybe this is your bad, this situation. But think dig deep back about like, how have you reminded your partners in the past of like, "Oh, don't forget, you got a bad bitch." And sometimes it might be unappreciative and other times it might be like they know it and they just, like need to.
Kenrya: I don't know. I mean, I'll be honest. I don't know if in somebody's past relationships if I always remembered that myself. And then I think, and I mean I can think in some, especially after my career started kind of taking off, sometimes it'd be like events, being with them and being able to see on their face as they're watching me sign books or talk to strangers or whatever, where they're like, "Oh, I got a bad bitch." But it wasn't necessarily that I said anything. It was just that they were in an environment that reminded them that I am not just the person that's at the house with them all the time.
Erica: Yeah, I clearly remember. And I clearly remember sitting in marriage counseling, shouting at my ex-husband, "I am a bad bitch. Do you know? I'm a bad bitch." And I think it was more me realizing, remembering it, and then being like, wait-
Kenrya: “I am.”
Erica: ... I forgot this shit and you need to remember this too. But I definitely remember, I clearly remember, I can see the therapist face as I like, I think I was standing up shouting, "I am a bad bitch. You don't know what you're fucking with." Because I think also when you're ... at least for me, especially in my marriage, I got kind of, I lost myself, I lost my shine. I was just so caught up in being a wife and being a mom and all of that, that I forgot that be out and work a room, and I lost my own shine. And so that period where I was shouting to him, "I'm a bad bitch." He was also shouting to me like, "Bitch, have you forgotten?"
Kenrya: I think that is a thing that can happen. I definitely think it happened with me, but I think it was more intentional because I was married to a man who very clearly was-
Kenrya: Yes. And so if things didn't revolve around him, then it was like, let me shit on all of this. For me it was very much this situation where he was only comfortable if my light was under a bushel basket. And so I made myself very small for a while in order to dim that so that he could feel better. It wasn't until I realized what the fuck was going on and that I was out. And then all the time what he would say was, "I don't even know you anymore." And I were like, "Because I'm back to myself nigga. Go away."
Erica: Oh, that's it, that, “Yeah, I don't even know you anymore.”
Kenrya: I used to laugh that he said that. We used to call me Kenrya 2.0 or some shit at that point.
Erica: And you know what, I think that, yeah, I'm not the same person. You might not know me, but we didn't grow together. You weren't there from the growth from Kenrya to Kenrya 2.0. And so I totally, oh yeah, I know I'm not nigga. And you don't want me to be the same.
Kenrya: And I definitely don't want to be.
Erica: I think that there's a lot of growth that happens in life. And in my mind what makes a relationship magical is that you grow together. I don't think you should still be the same person. We were talking to a group of girlfriends and they were talking about shared values with the partner because we have a number of girlfriends that are married to men that are much younger than them. And one of them was like, "He could be so different in a million ways but we shared values. Because then we know what we're working towards." And so I think when you have that shared value, then all the other stuff changes, but the DNA of what the two of you are and what the two of you want and are working for stays the same. And I think what happened in my marriage is that we didn't have shared values. We had shared surface shit. And so as the surface shit started wearing away, then he was a diamond, I'm an emerald, we stare at each other like, "Nigga, I thought we was rocks."
Kenrya: That's real, and that's also accurate.
Erica: Yeah. But I mean, here's the rocks and diamonds and emeralds, so yeah. And I don't mean that we're all not gems, it just means we ain't-
Kenrya: The same kind of gem.
Erica: We ain't the same kind, we ain't going towards it, working towards the same goal, so yeah. Whew, that bad bitch, that took me back to a very specific place where I reclaimed my power as a woman.
Kenrya: How much longer was it that you cut your hair after that conversation?
Erica: You said that really shadily, but yeah.
Kenrya: I'm just wondering.
Erica: It was probably right around that time. It was either right before or right after. You know what, I think it was right after, because I remember name redacted, therapist's name redacted looking at me like, girl. Because yeah, I mean I think you just ... Oh, you got me going down the rabbit hole.
Kenrya: Thinking about all the ways that we contort ourselves for these niggas.
Erica: Yeah. I changed so much of who I was in an effort to go along, to get along, to be in a relationship, and I didn't even need to do all that. I shouldn't have been doing all that…
Kenrya: Yeah but hindsight is 20/20
Erica: And then I woke up one morning and it was like, I am this dusty bitch because I have been literally trying to force myself into this dusty bitch bin. And I came out that bitch and was like, "I'm a bad bitch. I am a bad bitch."
Kenrya: And you are.
Erica: Yeah. I'm very proud of myself for claiming my bad bitchiness. Okay. Also, before we get into what's turning us on, we are going to pay some bills and we'll be right back.
Kenrya: Hey, y'all, today's a great day to start your own podcast. Whether you're looking for a new marketing channel, have a message you want to share with the world, or just think it'd be fun to have your own show like us, podcasting is an easy, inexpensive and fun way to expand your reach online. And Buzzsprout is hands-on the easiest and best way to launch, promote and track your podcast. Your show gets put online and listed in all the major podcast directories like Apple Podcast, Spotify, Google, everything, within minutes of finishing and uploading your recording. We use it here for The Turn On and I can testify to the fact that it's pretty fucking dope.
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Erica: What's turning us on this week, harkens back to our very first episode titled, “What, What, in the Butt.”
Kenrya: You just scared somebody I'm certain of it. Somebody was listening to this and making dinner.
Erica: And their kid walked past like, "What are you talking about?" Okay. This week what's turning us on is an anal trainer set. It's a five-piece master anal trainer set, so Kenrya it's all you.
Kenrya: For those of us who have anal sex with folks who are a little bit more well-endowed, you can't always just slip it in your butt.
Erica: Yeah. If you're putting a-
Kenrya: Or anything.
Erica: Yeah, I'm like, I don't even want to say-
Kenrya: Yeah, it can be a strap that is on the larger side.
Erica: If you are dealing with a ... not necessarily a wenis, not a stunt strap, but a ...
Kenrya: Which is an important designation, right? Because the first person who I successfully and consistently had anal sex with was just kind of a smedium. And so we could just slip it on in and have a good time and it was—whatever, that's not my current situation. And so I-
Erica: I love how nice you are about explaining the fact that your partner has a big dick.
Kenrya: Yeah, I try to just ... he don't care.
Erica: I'm here for that. I'm here to say that part.
Kenrya: And so I prepare when we know that this is something that we want to do next week or whatever. I used to have a set of these that I ordered and didn't realize. Okay, so there's five pieces, as he said, and they graduate in size. The first one, the little one is about a little bit bigger than my thumb at its widest part. And so I used to have a set of these that I didn't realize until I got them because I ordered them that was hard plastic. Please don't ever use hard plastic trainers. It's incredibly uncomfortable. I’m sure it stretches things out, but it's not a comfortable way of doing it and there are much better tools out there.
Kenrya: And so we actually came upon this silicone version of it while we were on vacation and we went to a sex shop, because why not? But also my boo was very frugal and did not feel like that was how much we should pay for these. And so then we ...
Erica: “Goddam that's a lot of money!”
Kenrya: Then we found them online for cheaper and bought them after our vacation.
Erica: I can't.
Kenrya: Yes. Basically what you do is ... everybody's schedule is different, but what I found is that if I start with the smallest one, let's say on Monday, I wear it for ... I don't know, long enough to masturbate or you can wear it while you do something, while you read a chapter out of a book or while you clean the house or whatever. They have a flanged edge, so they cannot get lost up inside, of course, as we always remind y'all.
Erica: Please don't let them get lost inside.
Kenrya: Usually I find that I can move from the first one to the second one the first day. And then every day, every two days you can graduate up to a new size until you get all the way up to the big boy, which I have actually not used.
Erica: Damn that's big. Wait.
Erica: I was like-
Kenrya: This is the one before it for comparison.
Erica: We're talking and I got my head down and I'm looking at something and I look up and the big one is, that's a mighty meat eater.
Kenrya: And they're just long enough so that you can practice getting past both of your sphincters, but not so long that if you're trying to do activities while they're in to get yourself stretched out that it's not uncomfortable and hard to move around or anything like that. They're super soft and pliable like incredibly so. And you just stick it up there and leave it up there. And then they also are good for just using them during play. If you are having sex, vaginal sex, but you also like to have a little backdoor action going at the same time, you can pop one of these in there just like a butt plug and use it at the same time. So you make your own DP situation.
Erica: Jesus Christ, that large one is large and in charge.
Kenrya: Yeah, I have not made my way up there.
Erica: Because, okay, so as we can see, this is a Killa activity, and that she's the one that-
Kenrya: That this is what’s turning me on.
Erica: ... pick this one. Yeah. She has experience with that. And so I saw the link, it's a cute little set. And I was like, "Oh, I might have to get this," that last…
Kenrya: Nobody says you have to get to the last one.
Erica: That's for special people.
Kenrya: You can get quite [crosstalk 00:58:58].
Erica: But I mean like now ... But I've seen a big one, I'm like, “Challenge!”
Erica: Okay, well.
Kenrya: The best-
Erica: That was the good one.
Kenrya: ... [crosstalk 00:59:11] this week.
Erica: All righty. Well, that sums that up. That sums up this week's episode of The Turn On. It is Erica and Kenrya, two hoes making it clap. I was trying to do a song so we could clap together-
Kenrya: We did clap together.
Erica: ... but obviously.
Kenrya: We didn't?
Erica: No, we didn't.
Kenrya: Oh, I was silly, let me put my arms down.
Erica: Yeah, put your arms down. All right, that's [inaudible 00:59:44].
Kenrya: Yo. All right, y'all.
Erica: ...before, I forgot I had it, just was looking for something to put on. Look at you. All right y'all, peace out. Peace, fish, hair grease, bye.
Kenrya: Fried fish.
Erica: Oh, no. Bye.
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Now you can support The Turn On and get off. Subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app, then drop us a five-star review and you'll be entered to win something, that's turning us on. Just post your review and email us a screenshot at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com to enter. Our Patreon page is also live. Become a supporter today and you'll gain access to lots of goodies, including The Turn On BookC and two for one raffle entries. And don't forget to send us your book recommendations, and your sex and related questions. And follow us on Twitter at @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram at @TheTurnOnPodcast. You can find links to books, merch, transcripts, guest info and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. Thanks so much for listening and we'll see you soon. Bye!
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In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya talk to therapist Quinn Gee-Edwards about healthy dating post-divorce, loving the body you're in and the pitfalls of marrying the first person you have sex with.
The Turn On participates in affiliate programs, which provide a small commission when you purchase products via links on this site. This costs you nothing, but helps support the show. Click here for more information.
Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Kenrya: Today, we're talking to Quinn Gee-Edwards, pronouns she and her. Quinn is the owner of Magnolia Mental Health and founder of Hey! Black Girl. She's a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in codependency, trauma and minority-related issues, including those that impact women, members of the LGBTQ community and people of color. Thanks for coming back on the show, Quinn.
Quinn: Thanks for having me, y'all.
Erica: So, Quinn, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Quinn: I used to want to be president, actually.
Erica: Me, too.
Quinn: I wanted to be president.
Erica: But it was just because I thought that it was running shit, and I didn't think about the responsibility part, now I'm like, "Fuck y'all. I just want to be rich and do nothing."
Quinn: Well I knew the presidency wasn't going to make you rich-rich because I think their salary, when I was coming up, was like $125, or $200,000 a year, and I was like-
Quinn: It ain't about the money, but I wanted to be the first Black woman president, I'll never forget that.
Erica: Me, too.
Kenrya: There's still time.
Erica: No, thank you.
Quinn: No, thank you.
Kenrya: Fine. So how did you get from there to here?
Quinn: I wanted to be a psychologist, originally, and I actually ended up needing therapy in college because I went through a divorce, and when I was in my own therapeutic process, that's when I realized that's really what I wanted to do, I wanted to do more direct work with people, and not saying as a psychologist you don't do direct work, but at that time, the pathway I was going to be going on was more research and policy-based, and not necessarily client-direct kind of work. And so after going through my own therapy, I'll never forget, it was a Russian white woman, I'm friends with her on Facebook now, but she helped me change my life and really reframe my marriage, and she was the first person that ever told me that what was happening in my marriage wasn't okay. I remember feeling so empowered by that, and I changed my course soon after.
Erica: That's really dope. In the book we read last week, it was called "A Taste of Our Own Medicine," there was a woman that was navigating life, post-divorce, and we know you work with a lot of women that are in that space.
Kenrya: And, as you just told us, you were in that space.
Erica: So when the book opened, Sonja, the protagonist of the book, she's starting an entrepreneurship class to help her get her business up and running. How often do you see people embark on new adventures like this after a divorce?
Quinn: but I see a lot of that, definitely. I'm trying to think, what did I do? I started dyking, that was it.
Kenrya: You're like, "Dick? Not for me."
Erica: You're like, "You know what? I like pussy." So why do you think people make such a big change?
Quinn: I think usually it's you want something so different from what you just had, you want to auto-correct, like rewrite your life in a way, to straighten it back out. We think of a relationship as pants, then the divorce was the wrinkles, and now you want to iron that shit back on out. Quite often, it doesn't work that way, but it does make you feel better to make these very surface, immediate changes.
Kenrya: That's real. So another thing that Sonja struggles with in this book a lot is negative self-talk, so she'll talk bad about her body, she called herself "stupid and weak," a lot of times in her head, but even sometimes out loud, like with the person who's trying to be her new partner. I know, firsthand, that when somebody has repeatedly told you who you are, you can start to believe it, and I think that that's a lot of what's happened with her, she has this terrible ex-husband who has really put a lot of negative ideas into her. What are some strategies that folks can use when they need to short-circuit this kind of thinking?
Quinn: Definitely remember the source of the original judgment. If you can remember the voice of the person who said that to you, that's really important because then you can assign it and give it back to them. Usually, we're not the architects of our own worst thoughts about ourselves, they usually come from somebody else in our environment. I'll use my own examples. Chris, which is my ex-husband's name, he used to always tell me I wasn't going to be shit without him, and, for a while, it started to feel like my words, like, "I'm not going to be shit without him. What am I going to do? I'm divorced, I don't have nothing yet."
Quinn: And then some of the work that I did in therapy was reminding myself that I was shit before him and I will be shit after him, but this little anomaly in my life is not the sum of who I am, and the anomaly was our marriage. And once I was able to give that kind of critique his voice, and I immediately had a reaction, I remember thinking, "I don't listen to nothing this nigga got to say, this nigga is stupid," and immediately felt better. But it does take practice, some days are easier than others, some days you will fail, but it's also really good to have people around you echo who you are back to you, have good friends that remind you that you're beautiful, you're not what he says about you or they say about you, that you are valuable, even when you don't do shit for people.
Quinn: Also having things that also make you feel good about yourself available to you. Like being able to work out or run, or if you're in school, taking a class that just feels good, instead of one that's for your major or something, things like that, like being able to pour back into you because it's going to be a difficult process, decoupling of any kind, but it's even harder when you don't have a good sense of who you are.
Erica: Another issue in this book is sex, and it's always a problem when you marry the first nigga you ever had sex with, and of course that is what our protagonist did, she married the first nigga she ever had sex with, and never once had an orgasm when she wasn't masturbating.
Kenrya: That's the ghetto.
Erica: What'd you say?
Kenrya: That's the ghetto.
Erica: The ghetto!
Quinn: It is.
Erica: Well, you with a nigga. It was to the point where she thought it was her fault that sex was boring, she thought something was wrong with her. And so she has a hard time believing that she's attractive and believing that this younger man is really attracted to her, and she's embarrassed when he makes her cum. Is that a common response?
Quinn: Yeah, absolutely, especially if you get real wet or you squirt or have some very external orgasmic reaction, definitely a lot of shame associated with that because it's unladylike, or some kind of whore-type complex shit, or even the shame or guilt that "I am able to do this with this man that I wasn't connected with under God, but somehow I'm doing it with this person who I haven't had this deep connection with, so it must be something wrong with me." It's really important to have people in your corner to remind you, "Nah, that nigga was just giving you"-
Kenrya: Trash dick.
Quinn: Mediocre dick.
Erica: Welcome to the world of good dick.
Quinn: To make it inclusive, trash strap for all them years, you know what I'm saying? So that's what we are. I think it's important to just know, one, that's common for a lot of people who experience that, but also knowing it ain't your fault, this is just the body, your body is going to respond to shit even when your mind don't want.
Erica: So, Quinn, in the book, the character, Sonja, had a really tough time disengaging from her manipulative ex who, as we said earlier, pumped her with info about how she wasn't shit, told her kids information about her and they used it to accuse her of being a bad mom. So how can we set boundaries that keep our kids out the drama that an ex can bring when we still have to co-parent with them?
Quinn: I think probably making sure that you, on your end, never bad-talk the parent or former partner in front of the kids. Also making sure that you are trying to keep as close to the routine that they had when they lived with both of you. And the best thing is always family therapy because divorce takes a toll on kids, even when they're witnessing a relationship that was unhealthy and they have relief when it ends, it's still a grieving process and it does take some adjustment, and it's important to make sure the kids feel like they have somewhere safe to deposit those feelings and someone to talk to.
Quinn: Of course, a good [inaudible 00:10:18] would be, for you as a parent, allowing them to express their emotions because, quite often, we just want the kids to be okay with the big decisions that we make, as if it's not happening to them, too. When a kid's got an attitude, or they frustrated or they get mad or get an attitude, we get mad at them for doing that and punish them for those feelings, and think about what's that saying to them: when something bad happens to you in your life, or different, or a big change, you are not allowed to express your feelings because it's going to be met with some kind of negative impact. And that's not fair.
Quinn: And kids ain't got as many coping skills as adults do. We can get in the car and go somewhere, or go to the gym, or go out on more dates, have a drink or whatever it is, but kids can't always do that, so they have a limited ability to express their emotions, and then we box them in by telling them that their feelings don't matter, that's not fair. So it's really important to make sure that you give them an environment to express themselves.
Erica: That's a really good perspective.
Kenrya: Another theme that comes up is body image, which rang super true to me, especially if you marry young, that body that you had when you was dating, that ain't the same body you got when you reenter the dating pool. So how can we shore up our confidence in this area when you are in a space where you are now undressing in front of new folks?
Quinn: I think just coming into it knowing that if your foundation is good about how you feel about yourself, that generally you like yourself, you think you're attractive, or whatever the case may be, I think it'll be fine, especially if you acknowledge, too, that it's going to be anxiety-inducing getting undressed in front of a new person, like it just is, even if you are most comfortable, confident person in the world with your body, getting undressed in front of somebody that you have a new relationship, it's still awkward.
Quinn: So it's important to just know there's always awkwardness in sex, it always is, and so that's something that, as adults, sometimes we get in our head this idea that sex has to be in perfect harmony and all of that shit, and, nah, you could be sweating, body odor, somebody might fart, awkward positions, there's all kind of shit that goes into it. And if we can accept that there is always going to be some anxiety around sex because it's just about a performance and your pleasure is immediately measured, I think that that'll help, too.
Quinn: But the biggest thing is just feeling confident in your own body, being okay with being undressed in front of yourself because you're usually your biggest and most vocal critic, and if you're all right getting undressed on your own and you enjoy looking at your body for most of the time, then I think that'll help a lot.
Kenrya: In the book, Sonja struggles to take care of her kids and her sister and sometimes her ex-husband, and it becomes clear pretty quickly that she's codependent, putting the needs of everybody else in front of her own. You recently blogged about your own struggles with codependency. I'm really interested in how you manage your own mental health while you help other people with their journeys.
Quinn: I mean, my team around me is amazing. Honestly, I don't know how I got so damn lucky to have such a team because they see me even when I can't see myself, and it's important to have people around you that can just pull you out of your own cloud of bullshit sometimes. I think that the biggest thing for me is just, one, knowing ... I used to always know when I was in that fog, but recently I've had trouble seeing that I'm in that fog, your eyes adjust to the light, and it's important to have somebody around you who's just new to that environment, like, "What the fuck?"
Quinn: And so, for me recently, I haven't always been able to self-correct like I usually do, which is like making sure I take lunch breaks, making sure I have at least one day off during the week, not working outside of my scheduled hours, and so I hadn't really been consistent with that, but even when I did implement that, I still was feeling the same, and that's because it was part of a larger thing, I didn't realize I had a relapse in codependency.
Quinn: It was really good to have my people around me to put some fresh eyes on what was really going on, but I had to be honest with them, and that part was the hardest part, being honest with myself and being honest with them. Since I did that, what's been helping me is going to my therapist and making sure that I eat, even if it's some bullshit in the morning, at least it's something I enjoy eating. The other day, I made some breakfast pork chops, and right before my 10:00 session, I was like, "I know I smell like pork," I was just in my head about it for like 10 minutes, and then I was like, "Fuck it, it was some good pork chops."
Quinn: But I do try my best to do the things that I know have worked for me, like taking my lunch breaks, keeping my hours, being really good about my time in sessions, make sure I have food in my fridge downstairs, but, also, being honest with other people around me and having them tell me, "Okay, you're doing too much. Ain't nobody ask you for all that yet. Wait on them to ask you to do all this shit," and so that's really good, too.
Erica: Does the fact that you've been through a divorce impact the way you counsel your clients?
Quinn: I guess yeah and no. I feel like I know how far to push some people when it comes to their relationship stuff. Sometimes I always step over the line and I'm aware of it and I always try to make amends at their next session or later on my own. But I think that it helped me because I would try to work from my feminist perspective, and I work from a very body-positive perspective, like very fem women, minority person, supportive perspective, and so I advocate very much for people who I have shared identities with, and so, yeah, because I [inaudible 00:17:33] those people in my life and I have those experiences, that is the therapeutic perspective I chose.
Quinn: But, also, I think sometimes giving some clients some information about my own experience helps them feel more comfortable because a lot of my colleagues do a lot of co-therapy, and there are advantages to that, absolutely, where they're a little bit more removed from their clients, but that hasn't been where I've been successful, I've been my most successful with clients and in my practice by pulling my skirt up a little bit and letting them see what's underneath. It's important for them to know, "Hey, I have been through this process, it's not just me telling you some bullshit, I have been here, let me tell you how it might feel and might look on the other side of it."
Kenrya: So, speaking of which, on our last show, Erica and I talked through our post-divorce relationship histories, what we learned and how that impacted the way that we approached dating after the fact. What did dating look like for you after you moved on?
Quinn: I immediately started, and start dates are fuzzy in some people's memory, but I was seeing a stud soon after I left my ex-husband, and there was some good times, she was in Gospel choir. There's something about a church-loving stud that just ...
Kenrya: Do it to you?
Quinn: Yeah. And she used to sing and shit in random places, unexpectedly, as a romantic gesture.
Erica: Aw, that's nice.
Quinn: I don't know, I want to let everybody know, I hate singing and dancing, I hate that shit so much, I fucking hate it. I don't like to see, unless you are a paid performer, and I'm talking marquee, I don't want you to be singing and dancing in front of me, it's so cringe-worthy, I hate it.
Erica: That reminds me of a time I went on a date and a dude started singing in my ear in a bar.
Kenrya: Oh God, you lost it.
Erica: I was just like, "What do I do?"
Quinn: Do you nod? Do I pretend I know the song? What the fuck? She did at my birthday party, I'll never forget.
Erica: Wait, was she singing church songs? Or just-
Quinn: No, neo soul. I want y'all to know this about me, too, I don't like neo soul.
Erica: You're like, "Now you singing some Boosie? Good."
Quinn: Now, listen, she could have beat the odds.
Erica: You are such a bird, I love it.
Quinn: I'm just saying, don't sing ... oh my God, I was so embarrassed, I was like, "Now I can’t even eat this damn gyro because you done sang to me in front of all my goddamn friends and now everybody laughing in their head because they all know I hate this.”
Erica: Because you just had to go fishing for a stud at church.
Quinn: I didn't go to church, no, I met her on campus at school, now be clear, this wasn't because I was seeking out the Lord, I met her in class, and she happened to love the Lord and sang for him at school. After her, I actually dated five men named Chris in a row.
Erica: Well, that was easy.
Quinn: Yes. I got my ex-husband's name tattooed on my hand when I was 19, so it's Chris on my hand, so every Chris I dated was like, "This for me, ain't it?" "Sure, nigga."
Kenrya: "Sure, nigga."
Quinn: It was just really bad, and they were all abusive in some form, emotionally, financially, physically, sexually, it was just some bullshit. I'll never forget, my friend, she was just like, "Why not after the first Chris we didn't realize Chrises wasn't shit?" And so I was like, "Solid point." So I started dating just randomly, I dated a sex addict for a while, which was really rough, and it really fucked up my self-esteem. Then I dated ... I guess my baby dad is somewhere in there, but it was a blip on the radar, I was popping. I don't know. My baby daddy was before my husband, nevermind. Wait a minute, he was before my husband.
Quinn: But after that, I was just dating men, I dated a really socially-reclusive man who was very rich, and that was nice for a while, but then rich men usually want you to do weird shit, and so I couldn't get jiggy with it. But I actually was dating his girlfriend, and that's how I met him, so ... it was a long night, and it was a good night. I'm just saying, I ran off on the plug, if you know what I mean. To be fair, I continued to have a relationship with both of them, and both of them knew.
Erica: You don't want to leave anyone left out.
Kenrya: Equal opportunity.
Quinn: No, I am very inclusive. Yes.
Quinn: But after a while, she was annoying. And I'll never forget, she came to my house in some flare-legged jeans-
Erica: Nope, we're good.
Quinn: And I was like, "This is it. I'm good."
Erica: "I need an excuse."
Kenrya: "Final straw."
Quinn: She had flare-legged jeans, and she had her hair flipped in the back, I was like, "Girl."
Kenrya: I used to rock the fuck out of that flip in high school.
Quinn: Same, but this was like 2014, and so I was like, "Girl, what is this? No thanks." It was Memphis though.
Erica: Well, okay.
Quinn: But after that, that's when I met my wife on Twitter, and that was September 11, 2015, I believe.
Quinn: And I thought she was cute, and I asked her did she like girls, and she said yeah, and then I asked her for some nudes because I was trifling back in the day.
Erica: Something tells me that trifling didn't end, but okay.
Quinn: No. And so she flew to Memphis, I made her some fish and spaghetti, took her to a Martin Luther King museum, and bottle of some whiskey, and we've been together ever since.
Kenrya: Yes, courting.
Erica: So you said you met your wife on Twitter.
Erica: I'm not sure how long you were married and stuff, but did you feel like the dating landscape changed? We talked about this on a last episode, how before we were married, before we both went into our marriages, online dating really wasn't a thing, nobody was really shooting their shot on Twitter, maybe MySpace, but it just wasn't happening. Once we got out, it was a completely different world. Did you experience that?
Quinn: Yeah. In that block of time after I stopped dating the Chrises and I started dating my wife, a couple of men that I met were online either through OkCupid or Plenty of Fish, "Plenty of Gonorrhea" is what it should be called.
Erica: I hate you.
Quinn: And even Craigslist. So I was meeting guys online, and that was easier for me because I didn't know it then, but it's obvious now that I had a lot of social anxiety, so going out and meeting, if I was going to clubs and shit, where you would normally meet guys, I really wasn't doing that. But by the time I started dating my wife a couple years later, online dating was a thing, a lot of people I knew had met their partners online, some good sites were still trying to find their way. But for the most part, a lot of people were doing it online.
Kenrya: We have a few friends who met their husbands online, but they all got married after we did, I feel like there was a boom of it after that.
Erica: Yeah. Okay, so, we like to ask our guests “would you rather questions,” so I got one for you.
Erica: Would you rather live your life stuck to your partner, like stuck to them, like y'all sewn together, or would you rather only see your partner for one day every year?
Quinn: I would rather be stuck to my wife. Man, my wife is my best friend, like we travel well together, that's our favorite fucking thing is just traveling, and sitting the fuck down is our favorite thing, we love that shit so much. There is a quote by the great Eddie Murphy, Jerry Seinfeld asks him, "What's your favorite thing to do, what do you like doing?" And Eddie Murphy said, "My favorite thing to do is nothing," and that shit changed my life when I watched that. So that's our thing, we love to do nothing and so much together. Like right now, we're going to go to Trader Joe's, it's date night, but guess what we're going to do? Come the fuck home and sit the fuck down and eat.
Erica: I love it.
Quinn: And watch animal documentaries, high as fuck.
Kenrya: I like it. I'm all for it.
Quinn: I can tell you so much shit about the Earth. Listen, if we are in some general trivia about the Earth or animals or the ocean, I know everything, everything.
Erica: Okay, so Quinn is on our Trivia Night team.
Kenrya: Yes. Because I don't know nothing about none of that shit.
Erica: You buggin’.
Quinn: That come from hundreds of hours of high watching shit. I probably don't remember nothing right, but I can tell you what it feel like.
Kenrya: You got enough of the pieces.
Quinn: Yeah, I can piece it together.
Erica: Yeah, you have definitely inspired my evening.
Kenrya: Well this has been delightful, thank you so much for coming on again. For folks who missed the first time Quinn was on, it was maybe Episode 6.5 in Season 1, go back and listen to it, do yourself a favor, we were talking about hoteps. And so for folks who want to find you outside the show, where should they go, Quinn?
Quinn: They can go to MagnoliaMHealth.com, they can find me on Instagram, MagnoliaMHealth, or Memphissippian. I don't think I've ever said that out loud. Because I lived in Memphis for a long time and I'm also a Mississippian, so Memphissippian. And you can also find me on Twitter @MagnoliaMHealth.
Erica: All righty.
Kenrya: All right, well thank you for joining us and thank you, listeners, for being here, too, that wraps up this week's episode of The Turn On. Peace.
?Erica: This episode was produced by us, Erica and Kenrya, and edited by B’Lystic. The theme song is from Brazy. We want to hear from y'all, send your book recommendations and all the burning sex and related questions you want us to answer to TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com. And please subscribe to the show on your favorite podcasts app, follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod, and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast, and find links to our books, transcripts, guest info, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. And, remember, The Turn On is now part of the Frolic Podcast Network, you can find more shows you love at Frolic.media/Podcasts. Thanks for joining us, and we'll see you soon, holler.
The Turn On
The Turn On is a podcast for Black people who want to get off. To open their minds. To learn. To be part of a community. To show that we love and fuck too, and it doesn't have to be political or scandalous or dirty. Unless we want it to be.