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In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya share dispatches from listeners about what they learned about sex during the pandemic.
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Erica: Come here. Get off.
Erica: Hey, y'all, welcome to this week's episode ... Wait. Hold on, my bad. (silence).
Erica: Welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On.
Kenrya: Our producer is going to think something is wrong.
Erica: What you say?
Kenrya: He's gonna think something wrong.
Erica: No, it's the echo effect.
Kenrya: I know-
Erica: Dear listeners, you all need see this in YouTube so you can see the joys of this golden mic.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: Okay, I turned it off, okay, I'll turn off the mic.
Erica: Okay, you all, welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On. I am your host, Erica, and I have my lovely hoe-host, Kenrya.
Kenrya: Hey, y'all.
Erica: This week we're giving you a quickie. We are going to talk about what COVID has ... We did a dispatch to ask what COVID has taught our listeners about sex and intimacy, and relationships, and all that good shit.
Erica: So, Killa.
Kenrya: Okay, I guess that's my signal to play the first “dis-tatch.” I can't even say it. Dispatch. Okay. Let's see, who should we listen to first?
Erica: The Black woman.
Kenrya: They're all Black. I think we will start here.
Speaker 1: COVID has allowed me to explore a deeper intimacy with my partner, looking beyond any of the ... Physical things are great, but just, really, because I think a lot of us have slowed down, you're able to really kind of do a deep dive and get even closer to your partner. So I think that that's been a really beautiful thing. We do the late-night sit up and talk, we cuddle more. I think all of those things, if there's a silver lining to any of it in the pandemic, and how you relate to your partner in that way, I think that's it.
Erica: You want to kick off thoughts, or shall I?
Kenrya: Go ahead.
Erica: I just, I think it's nice. I mean, I think COVID has taught ... I mean, she brings up something that I realized, is that COVID has caused everything to slow down, and because everything is slower, you pay attention to more things.
Erica: I feel like I've become a better parent because of COVID. I mean, yeah, still want to choke him out sometimes, but I feel like I became a better parent because I am now savoring our everyday interactions, and it sounds like that's what they're doing in their relationship.
Kenrya: Yeah, it does. I was thinking about whether or not I've seen that same thing over on this end. I feel like that's a big part ... A big part of my relationship with my partner is us sitting around doing absolutely nothing anyway. So it has been a bit more of the same, we’re still on the same schedule, as it were, in terms of how often we do all of that, but it has just been nice to sit.
Kenrya: I think the slowness, for me, is really around the same lines as it is for you, in terms of with my kid. We're not racing from this after-school club to this art therapy to this dance class to this violin and, what other instrument does she play? Something else. Piano lesson. It's been nice because it's made me kind of re-evaluate what's necessary-
Kenrya: In terms of being out of the house. You know I already welcome being in the house anyway.
Erica: Girl. I'm like, "Girl, just start your car, just don't go bad." You're-
Kenrya: I do. I have doctors appointments every week, I do go, but you know I just had to get something fixed with idler, or whatever, something I had never heard of, idle pulley, because it does ... I let my kid, sometimes, go sit in the car just for a change of pace, but it's messed up the car, because I don't go anywhere enough.
Erica: Damn. Well.
Kenrya: I know. And the tires on one side need air in them more often because they on concrete and not on gravel. It's a whole thing. But my partner takes it and puts air in them, I don't think about those things.
Erica: Love it.
Kenrya: But it's been nice to slow down around that, and rally made me think about when she's back in school full-time, how many of these things we're going to pick back up and how many of them we going to leave right where they at, on the ground.
Erica: Yeah. Yeah, I totally agree. Even just with my life and the things that I'm doing. Some of this shit going to be dif- I have given up clothes, real clothes-
Erica: I've said this multiple times.
Kenrya: One of my gorgeous gowns.
Erica: Well, I've said this all the time, you know how you see movies and they talk about in the future, and in addition to the cars that fly everyone's wearing yoga clothes with no zippers and that kind of shit-
Kenrya: Like in a post-apocalyptic movies where everybody's wearing the same shit?
Erica: Yeah. Yeah, and you're like-
Kenrya: Sweaters with holes in them.
Erica: "How the fuck did that happen?" COVID. Everybody was forced at home, no-one had to wear pants, and so now we're getting back out and it's like I refuse to go back. Your grandkids are going to come to you and be like, "Granny, can you believe that they made pants out of denim that had buttons and zippers?" You're like, "Yeah, back in the day."
Kenrya: Wow. Yeah, and I gave up on them shits somewhere along the way. It's true.
Erica: Because I sit here in my, this is like this shit from Demolition Man.
Kenrya: We've moved on. We figured out what's most important. So, yeah. No, that was nice. All right, let's, we got some more. Let's get into another sentiment entirely.
Speaker 2: How was our sex life during quarantine? Well, let's see. I spent quarantine with my mother, my three-year-old, and my husband. Sex got pretty tricky at times. My mother was here because she had come to babysit my child while my husband and I went away for to go to a wedding. By the time we came back she was scared to get on a plane, so she stayed here, for over a year.
Speaker 2: My husband, I'm used to him being on the road two, three, sometimes four days a week. So when he would come home on weekends, you have sex, because you're home. We just kind of got in this routine of it always being exciting because we were apart for most of the week.
Speaker 2: Well, during quarantine I saw him every day. And my mom was here. And my son had nowhere to go. So some days we were exhausted, because I feel like the entire country was tired. When we did have sex, it was a different dynamic because my mom's down the hall, and even though we're grown, it still feels weird.
Speaker 2: Because we saw each other every day, and we're so used to being apart and then we get back together, and it's so exciting, we had to figure out new ways to make it exciting, and quiet at the same time. It got tricky, but we made it. We had a couple of patches where it got a little boring and it started to feel a little robotic. There definitely were times where it felt like we were doing it just out of comfort because the entire world was crazy, which then also made it not so fantastic.
Speaker 2: I found it interesting when my single friends, who were complaining about not having sex and, "Oh, you get to sleep with a man every night, or just have a partner every night, because he's right there with you." Yeah, but I see him every day now, sun-up to sun-down, and I don't want to have sex with him as much as you think I want to have sex with him. You just want to have sex because you haven't been able to have sex.
Speaker 2: So just because I sleep in the bed with my husband every night, doesn't mean that we're just wild banshees in the house because we don't have nothing else to do. No. It got old.
Kenrya: All right.
Erica: Exactly. Well, listening to this reminded me of the one thing that I always say, is that a marriage is a contract between two people, and whatever goes on between those two people to make it work is their marriage.
Erica: Some people would not be able to do a regular, every day with a guy, with a person that traveled all the time and was never at home, but sounds like that's part of what makes this marriage their marriage. Yeah. I thought that was-
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative). What makes it tick.
Erica: Very telling.
Kenrya: Yeah. Just, honestly, the idea of having another adult in my home for any length of time that's more than a weekend is frightening to me. I just, very much, I believe that adults can't really live together if they not fucking. I just, I don't like it, there ends up being too many people around, I'm just not that person, I'm not that roommate, communal living ... I just, it ain't me-
Erica: It works here.
Kenrya: I aint had a roommate since college.
Erica: Well it works in my house-
Kenrya: Because we're in separate homes.
Erica: It works because my space is so separate. I can go for a minute without seeing my roommate. Only reason it works.
Kenrya: Yeah. But it ain't-
Erica: They have their own bathroom, entrance, all of that. They cook, which is helpful. It's not like your space-
Kenrya: What made you talk about your brother like he's a random person?
Erica: Well I'm not sure if I told people that my brother lives with me.
Kenrya: You have, absolutely.
Erica: Oh. Well then, yeah. He cooks.
Erica: This is why I can't lie, because I can't keep up with shit. Yeah. So, brother.
Kenrya: But, yeah. Yeah, I ain't, mm-mm (negative). I briefly, when we, years, a lifetime ago, bought a house in Baltimore City and we were waiting on repairs-
Erica: I remember.
Kenrya: And we had to stay with somebody. Nigga. Yeah. It was so-
Erica: I remember that.
Kenrya: It was so tough for me that I left for a few days and went and stayed with somebody else.
Erica: I remember that. You were like, "I can't do this shit."
Kenrya: Yeah, and it's not about the person, I just don't do well ... I just don't do, I don't. I like my space, I like my solitude, I like to not have to listen to somebody talking all the time. Honestly, that's one of the hardest parts about being a parent, because I feel like-
Erica: "Mama. Mama. Mama." Yeah.
Kenrya: It's always, like I'm working all the time, but then when I take breaks, it's like that's when she come too, so I finally got to tell her a couple weeks ago ... Yeah. I was like, so the only breaks I really take during the day are when I eat. I was like, "I'll be honest, I don't have the bandwidth, I don't like to talk while I eat." I want to just sit here, read a little bit, maybe I'll look at Twitter if I forget that I got a book that I need to be reading, and just do that and turn my brain off just for a little bit, for 15 minutes before I got to get back to work.
Kenrya: But I got to listen to what just happened on Roblox, I got to listen to who said what crazy thing in chat, who's spamming the chat with Naruto over and over again in class, and not getting in trouble. Yeah. All the things that are happening. I do not mind hearing those things, but I do not want to hear them while I'm trying to have my quiet boo-time. That's my self-care time.
Erica: Yeah. Well-
Kenrya: Yeah. So the idea of having another adult, even someone who, like if you're close to your mom, no. That sounds like hell to me.
Erica: Yeah. I agree. Yeah. Because like you, well, not even like you, I like having people around, but when I'm ready to shut it down, I-
Kenrya: Yeah, it's like a, "[inaudible 00:14:40]."
Erica: It's literally like a wall. Like a, "Boop. I'm done." Now I'm a little more courteous because I will say, "Okay, I'm done." I used to just be-
Kenrya: Yeah, you're better, because you used to be like [crosstalk 00:14:52]-
Erica: I turn into a fucking Grinch and be like-
Kenrya: You would go in another room, or whatever. Like, "Oh, I guess she done."
Erica: Got that after my grandfather.
Erica: So this reminds me of what, well, makes me want to talk about what COVID taught me. COVID taught me, it drilled home the difference between sex and intimacy, because I got to a point where I just wanted sex. I was tired of my vibrator, I needed a dick with a person attached to it that can do some wild shit and, "Oh, I wasn't expecting that. Aaah."
Kenrya: Hard to surprise yourself with your hand.
Erica: Exactly, but also, it taught me that there's ... This is purely for decoration. I'm holding my mic up. It also taught me that I actually do enjoy cuddling and that form of intimacy. I enjoyed, I missed having snuggles and, just, somebody rubbing my booty. Because there was a point where I was about to call the mailman in, be like, "Hey, I need you to do something real quick, just give me five minutes."
Kenrya: He would've came. He would've came.
Erica: He would. Ooh. Okay, on to the next.
Kenrya: All right, let's go with this one.
Speaker 3: I learned that getting nice with yourself in a super hot bath of coconut oil, Epsom salt, and geranium essential oils packs the same punch of about 1.35 edibles.
Speaker 3: No, seriously, I think I learned, or rediscovered how sexy it is to laugh. Not on no mean or ridicule shit, demeaning shit. Just laughing and being silly and goofy in the bedroom just really, I don't know, sex has been really fun. Mostly because we've just been enjoying each other, exploring each other, and laughing. Laughing at ourselves, laughing at each other, just giggling and shit. It's been wonderful.
Kenrya: Word. A little masturbation there, a little laughter.
Erica: I like it. I like it.
Kenrya: I do too. Go ahead.
Erica: All right. I was going to say, outside looking in, someone who didn't have a relationship, a steady relationship, during COVID, that's the one part that I miss, inside jokes.
Erica: Because you know I love a good snow day, and COVID was the equivalent of a really long snow day.
Kenrya: Yeah. I love it.
Erica: So that's the part that I feel like I missed out on.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah. I will say, I didn't miss out on that part. It has been the best part, and laughter is a huge, huge part of our relationship.
Kenrya: The other day I started watching an episode of House Hunters, and House Hunters International. It was this hotep-y ass couple, Black couple, in Vietnam. I got maybe six minutes in, stopped it, took a picture of the episode information, and saved that shit so we can watch it when he came over. Because I knew he-
Erica: You was like, "No, we need to share this."
Kenrya: Have fun. Exactly.
Kenrya: Fucking terrible, but I knew that we would have a good ... It's like our equivalent of people watching now. One of the things that we used to do was go eat at restaurants and make up stories about the people around us, all of that kind of stuff. We lost, really, ain't no people to watch, when everybody is doing what they supposed to do at least.
Kenrya: Now we just walk past people who are not masked and are not vaccinated and coughing, and we look around and discuss and try to get around them as fast as possible. So yeah, we just find a lot of places to laugh. We have our shows that we watch, we laugh just doing nothing, it's fun. It's definitely, I think, just been nice to have that time during this time. To be able to find that laughter in a situation that is not funny.
Erica: Yeah. Like the second dispatch said, the world's falling apart, and so sometimes you just need that warmth. So I'm glad that you all were able to find laughter in that.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative). All right, let's go to another.
Speaker 4: What COVID taught me about sex. The first thing I'd say is I didn't realize that my sex drive is tied to the cleanliness of my house. With the whole family home during the pandemic, I constantly found myself running behind my kids and my husband trying to keep the house clean. So by the time I finished home-schooling, work, and house chores, I was tired as hell. So sex took a back seat. But what I realized is I cannot fuck in clutter.
Speaker 4: The second thing I realized is while I was over here complaining, I would then talk to my girl friends who would say they were in some sort of sexual drought because they didn't have in-house dick. Meanwhile, I had it and took it for granted. So I started to put out more than I was doing before.
Speaker 4: Then the last thing I would say is I didn't realize that I desire my husband more when I have a chance to miss him. So with him being around all the time, that sexual connection just wasn't there. We had to find a way to spice it up. What we did was we introduced porn, watching porn together. Not that we hadn't done it in the past, but it definitely added an extra spice to our life.
Erica: That one was a good one.
Kenrya: It was good one, and yeah, fucking in clutter,
Erica: Yeah I ain't got it either. Things got to be right for this pussy to get wet, and a dirty house, nasty sheets, mm-mm (negative). Mm-mm (negative).
Erica: You know what's something that stood out to me in that dispatch, that kind of seems like a theme? I don't know if it's just marriages in all, or just our generation or whatever, but folks need to, they recognize that I can't see you every fucking day. I need you to get the fuck out of my house for me to really appreciate.
Erica: Do you think that's just a kids these days thing or an all of time thing that we just now picking up on?
Kenrya: I don't know. Honestly, I mean, I think there's probably in all of the camps. I'm not, honestly, in that camp. Never really have been, but I am in the everybody-needs-a-door-to-close camp. I don't have to not see you for days, or anything like that, in order to miss you. I don't need to miss you to miss you, do you know what I mean?
Kenrya: I believe everybody needs to have their own space, within where you all live or whatever, to be on their own. You know me, I like to be by myself, I very much enjoy my own company, but that don't mean I need to do that for days on end, I may need to be in my room long enough to watch a movie by myself. I want to go take a bath or wash my hair and I'm in the bathroom for a couple hours, I'll see you when I get out. Go do your thing, I do mine.
Kenrya: Yeah, I don't know. My guess is that there's always been people in both camps, for as long as there has been time. I think it's probably just easier now to get away from folks. Most people have, maybe they have a little bit more support, or it's more likely that your job is going to take you somewhere else, like in the case of the one caller whose husband is gone three or four days a week. So you can kind of build that in and it's a little easier to be the way.
Kenrya: Then, there's more people working outside of the home than there were a generation or two ago. So the idea of both partners being able to be gone wasn't necessarily a thing. Although, for Black people being able to stay home has often not been a thing, even if we had to take care of other people's kids and then have somebody else take care of our kids, that was a thing.
Kenrya: Yeah, so my guess is that it's probably always been there and we just seeing it in different ways. What you think?
Erica: I agree. Also, I think that we're willing to admit it more. I think that we're-
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative), that's [crosstalk 00:24:48].
Erica: A lot more open about the fact that this ain't the Clampetts ... Not the Clampetts, the Beavers. The Cleavers? “Leave it to Beaver.” Black and white. This ain't the olden days where we got to put on airs. I think we're more willing to admit, "This motherfucker get on my nerves."
Erica: I think it's, I mean, you think about parenting, people are more willing to be like, "Yo, my kid's a hot mess." So I think it's just the move towards authenticity where we're able to say that more, but that's my two cents.
Kenrya: Yeah, that makes sense.
Erica: Who we got up next?
Kenrya: That makes sense to me. Okay, let's go with this one.
Speaker 5: Okay, so I've been lucky. I started dating my partner just before the pandemic and we really got serious during the pandemic, so I didn't have a lapse of this past year in no sex. Thank you, Jesus. But what I learned also was how to have an orgasm. Oh, my God. I've been, I wouldn't say I've been missing out, I've been satisfied. I was never unsatisfied during sex, per sé, but damn, this is a new thing. This is a-whole-nother level. I am so much more in tune with my body. My sexual experiences are in a new, it went from earthly to cosmic, right? Because being able to suspend your mind and your spirit and physically in that way is amazing.
Speaker 5: So, thanks COVID for teaching me that.
Erica: I love it.
Kenrya: That's fucking delightful, right?
Erica: I love it, and also, I think that it's cool that she recognize like, "I wasn't have orgasms, but I was still enjoying sex." It's possible to enjoy sex and not have orgasms. But yeah, I like that. Thanks COVID.
Kenrya: Yeah, absolutely is possible. I mean, I think we've talked a bit on the show before about not necessarily being goal-oriented all the time. I do enjoy it, but it's not always my aim. So I've done a lot of reframing, and really, in my current relationship, about what it means to have sex. I think that I used to very much center it around penetrative sex because I've been with partners where that was the thing.
Kenrya: Well, not to say that it's not a thing in my partner, because he still be like, "Hey still be like need to have ..." And I'm like, "This is sex too." It's okay for [crosstalk 00:27:55]-
Erica: It's not like it's a requirement with him, or you don't get passive-aggressiveness. Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kenrya: Right, yeah. Right. Exactly, because I been with people who counted how often we had sex, and this is not that.
Kenrya: But yeah, but he also is like, "Okay, stop giving me head because we need to have sex." I'm like, "Nigga, we are having sex, relax. I don't have to come for this to count as a sexual encounter. I'm getting mine later, don't worry."
Erica: Oh, "Rent's going to be due some point, at some point."
Kenrya: Exactly. It's okay.
Kenrya: So yeah, also that she recognizes she was having a good time, but I also like that she is experiencing something new.
Erica: I like earthly versus cosmic-
Kenrya: And seeing it interesting levels. Yeah.
Erica: Yeah, that made me, I like that saying.
Kenrya: Yeah, and that starting a relationship right before COVID didn't push them too far, too fast, and break shit, things are going well.
Erica: Because I feel like that would definitely be a concern. Because it's kind of one of those-
Kenrya: This is new.
Erica: "Do we commit? Because if the world closing down, are we going to be together, we not?"
Kenrya: Exactly. Yeah. All right. Here we go, one more.
Speaker 6: One of the things I've learned about sex during COVID is to slow it down. Pre-COVID, married, kids, just super busy, just trying to fit in what we could, get in where you fit in. But during COVID, purchased a lot more fun things to expand on the foreplay, so CBD intimacy oils, vape pens, vibrators, just fun stuff to really allow us to slow down and enjoy each other more.
Kenrya: I think that's really great that, one, that they slow down, as we've been talking about, but that they saw the value in changing stuff up a bit and using this as a opportunity to do that.
Erica: Yeah, I mean, I think COVID has given everyone ... There have been lots of shitty things that have happened because of COVID, but I think there have also been-
Kenrya: Yeah. Very shitty, deadly, all of that.
Erica: Yeah, but I think there also have been, just, pockets of joy in things that people have discovered. I keep saying, I've never seen so may people in my life embrace creative things and become more creative people, and all of that.
Erica: So yeah. So, overall ... Was that it? Do we have any more?
Kenrya: No, we have one more.
Erica: Oh, okay, so then I'll give a summary.
Erica: In summation, next.
Kenrya: Okay, and I got to still talk about what it taught me, I haven't done that yet, so I'll do that at the end. Here we ...
Speaker 7: So this pandemic, dating, sex life has been sucky. Honestly, I just want to say that. Being a single woman living alone, not being involved in a relationship for a period of time, it was a rough ride. You can work out, but only so much. Right?
Speaker 7: So something that I used to be totally against, I started to entertain, which is these dating sites. I was getting to know different individuals on these sites, and then one in particular guy really stuck out to me, for the simple fact that a lot of these guys text you to death, or pen-pal you to death, and I just wanted a voice. You know?
Speaker 7: So he picked up the phone. He asked me questions, we had good conversation, he was very intentional, "Let's go on a date." So within a few days of talking we were already on our first date. I was like, "I like how this is moving. A girl has some needs, and I'm going to try to be a good girl as long as I can," or a so-called good girl, right?
Speaker 7: So after a couple of dates, after really good conversation, I felt like this was not necessarily my potential husband, or potential man, but this might be a nice person to fill up my time during this quarantine season, because we got to be a little more cautious. I don't think many people out here, well, some people might be, having a hoe-tation during COVID, that's just not a safe thing to do. Anyway, so no judgment, for real, because some people rock out anyway.
Speaker 7: So this gentleman, we went to dinner, we went for a walk, we held hands, all the little romantic stuff, and then we went to the liquor store, as he suggested. Then we went to my house. Which all my people know where I live. Then we experienced a good time. We began to laugh, we began to sing, we had some good music going, some good drinks flowing, and next thing you know, his pants was down and he had an enormous package. I was like, "Wow. Okay."
Speaker 7: So I was expecting all these great things from this experience, and the package was fantastic, but I wasn't so sure about the delivery. It was a very painful experience, and I understand that when you ain't got none in a long time, and he's a big old gorilla dick, that it might be a little bit painful, but I think it would have been more pleasurable if he took more time with me.
Speaker 7: I think that part of that is not getting to know him, or he didn't get to know me, and I don't think he put the work in. Or he wasn't putting the work in by asking what do I like.
Speaker 7: So lesson learned is that though I do have needs, and I might move a little faster than my usual during this time, I think it's important that I vet my suitors out a little bit, and somebody that really takes time to unpack who I am as a person so they can really understand who I am intimately.
Speaker 7: So as I move forward in this journey, I'm going to be more watchful, and I might start having conversations about sex with these guys, because that was something that we did not discuss prior, because it wasn't supposed to be the plan even though I kind of knew it in my head that I was going to do that. So as the saga continues, let's see. Let's see how it goes. Panties and pandemics.
Kenrya: Oh, you know I feel like I'm a broken record when I talk about the fact that we need to talk about sex more before we have it. In terms of what do you want and what does your partner want? And what do you expect, and all of those kinds of things-
Erica: So here's the problem-
Kenrya: And this definitely ... Can you not hear me?
Erica: I can. Here's the problem-
Kenrya: You hear me? Oh, okay.
Kenrya: What's the problem?
Erica: So here's a problem with that. I agree, I definitely think that people should talk about sex more.
Erica: I find, as I date, that you talk about sex, and then it just, niggas become creeps. There's probably a better way to put it, but I just say nigga's creepy, I don't like that. Because yeah, like, "What do you do?" "I work." But this is my passion, and I talk about being a sex educator and, "Oh. Oh." Then it's just like ...
Kenrya: Yeah, but I think that's different from having a conversation about-
Erica: Well, oh, let me also say-
Kenrya: This is what I like ... Okay.
Erica: I feel like, also, that tends to screen out the creeps. Sometimes people are like, "Eh, I'm not going to say it too soon." I'm like, "No," I'm going to tell you that shit up front because, one, you know that I'm sex positive. Don't come to me with some fuck shit homophobia, transphobia shit. Two, it tells me that you're comfortable enough in yourself to know that I'm out talking about sucking dick on the internet every week.
Kenrya: Right, and you don't feel threatened by that.
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kenrya: Yeah. I mean, I think that, for a lot of people, the idea of talking about sex makes it hard for you to pretend that you just slipped and fell on a dick, right? Like if you have a conversation about it then you have to admit that it's premeditated. You have to admit that, as our caller said, that she had an idea that that was something she wanted to do, but talking about it would have made it seem as if it was something that she was seeking, as opposed to something that just ended up happening.
Kenrya: But the problem, of course, is that what can end up happening is bad sex.
Erica: Yeah, and I think some guys also just feel like, they want to feel like they ... The Tupac lyric, "It ain't fun if you don't know."
Kenrya: That's not it.
Erica: No, the one about-
Kenrya: You know how I feel about that song, but that ain't it.
Erica: No, no, no. The one is like [inaudible 00:37:35]. It's from “I Get Around” and he's, essentially, like, "Let me feel like I want it from you." Don't just get it.
Kenrya: Oh, "I don't want it hit it that easy." Yeah, yeah.
Erica: Yeah. [crosstalk 00:37:46].
Kenrya: Yeah. That's my shit, that's what I listened to on replay after Shock G passed.
Erica: But yeah. I mean, it's like no, it should be easy. Right?
Kenrya: Yeah. I don't see why not. You know me, I told my partner on our second date that I wanted to fuck him. I don't see the point of, what am I, what? I want to, I'm grown, you grown, we're consenting adults, I'm going to have the conversation.
Kenrya: But then I think that even if you don't have that conversation, it can be tough, and I think, if you don't have that conversation, it can be tough when you're in it to kind of back up and be like, "Hold up, this is not what I want." Or, "Do this," or, "Do that."
Kenrya: If you haven't established that rapport with a person where you feel comfortable to be able to do that, then yeah, it's going to be hard to get what it is that you need out of the situation. I mean, I'm looking at the spot where I had to tell somebody that he should just go ahead and finish, because I didn't know, I couldn't correct that-
Erica: You should wrap this up.
Kenrya: There was nothing I could say.
Erica: You should wrap this up. I'm going to be kind and let you stick around for a little bit, but you should wrap this up.
Kenrya: I just, it was, and because we hadn't had any conversations about it, we didn't know enough about each other to feel like I could stop, have a laugh, have a conversation. I didn't really know how he was going to react to me being like, "Hey, nigga, I'm not a piece of concrete and you are not a jackhammer." So I just told him to finish so that he can get the fuck up off me.
Kenrya: I mean, that could have put me in danger too, who knows? But I get being in it and just being like, "Okay, let me just finish."
Kenrya: But also, people with big penises who don't know how to use them are a peeve of mine. I have absolutely told somebody to get the fuck off me for exactly that.
Erica: It's like a fucking turtleneck sweater, like what's the point of it? I mean, it's ... I'm sorry, a sleeveless turtleneck sweater. What's the point of it, nigga? Is it supposed to be warm?
Kenrya: Your neck is warm-
Erica: My arms out-
Kenrya: But your arms are not.
Erica: Yeah, like, "What's the point of this shit?"
Kenrya: Fashion? I don't know. But I hate that that was her experience. I mean that sucks.
Erica: It's a learning experience. It's fucked up, but you know?
Erica: Knocked down nine times, get up ten-
Kenrya: It seems like she got a lesson out of it.
Erica: Exactly. Yep.
Erica: So, what about you? What has COVID taught you?
Kenrya: Honestly, what COVID taught me was that I absolutely can have quiet sex in the morning without waking up my child.
Erica: We can do it.
Kenrya: Yeah. I mean, honestly, that's the lesson because I have been dealing with fatigue and other illness stuff during a lot of COVID, so by the time I get to the end of the day-
Erica: Can't happen.
Kenrya: I used to be a night owl, and I am forcing myself to keep my eyes open after a certain point. I might have had it in my head all day, like, "Ooh, take a shower, going to have sex, do whatever," and then my ass is drooling watching “600-pound Life.” It just ain't happening.
Erica: Good show.
Kenrya: It is a good show. Y’all sucked me in.
Kenrya: But that's what morning sex is for. My partner would always be like, "Oh, she walking around, what if she hears us?" Whatever, whatever-
Erica: Shut up and get over here.
Kenrya: Right. We've both got the point where it was like, "Listen, we got to take it when we can actually be awake to enjoy it, and we can do this quietly. Yeah, we can do this quietly." So we practiced and we found the positions to make the least amount of noise.
Erica: So when your child is awake, you all was like, "Okay, we practicing for morning sex."
Kenrya: Yeah. Yeah, so we could see how we can make it work, and we been able to make it work. Plus, I already like morning sex, which is what we were doing when she wasn't here, so we figured out how to make it work on weekdays and things, when she's roaming around the house, and not call any attention to ourselves.
Kenrya: She told me, a few weeks ago, she's like, "You know I can hear you all in the morning, right?" I was like, "You can hear what?"
Erica: "Hear what?"
Kenrya: She's like, "I hear you all laughing and watching TV and stuff." I was like, "Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Erica: Oh. "Yeah, we be laughing and watching TV and stuff."
Kenrya: Well sometimes we do. If we wake up early inexplicably, we'll watch a documentary or whatever, or just be up and talking or whatever. I'm like, that's cool, that's what she heard. We'll leave it at that-
Erica: We'll go with that, mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kenrya: So that's the biggest thing I learned.
Erica: Okay, okay.
Kenrya: That where there is a will, there is a way-
Erica: There is a way.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: All-righty. Do you have anything else to add?
Kenrya: I do not. I think we covered it. It was interesting to hear from our listeners about this thing that we all went through. It's interesting, there's not too many world phenomenon-
Erica: Yes, a shared experience.
Erica: That everybody went through.
Kenrya: And the different ways it impacted folks. Exactly, in some way or another. It's been interesting to hear how folks handled it and what it meant to them in this area of their lives. Yeah. For sure.
Erica: Yeah. All-righty. Well, with that, that wraps up this week's episode of The Turn On. I hope everyone had a good time, and got to go home, but you got to get the hell out of here. Two hoes-
Kenrya: Yeah, we're done.
Erica: Making it clap-
Kenrya: Making it clap. Bye.
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Hit subscribe right now on your favorite podcast app, and at YouTube.com/ TheTurnOnPodcast so you'll never miss an episode.
Erica: Then follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod, and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. You can find links to books, transcripts, guest info, what's turning us on, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com.
Kenrya: Don't forget to email us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com with your book recommendations and your pressing sex end related questions.
Erica: You can support the show by leaving us a five-star review, buying some merch, or becoming a patron of the show. Just head to TheTurnOnPodcast.com to make that happen.
Kenrya: Thanks for listening, and we'll see you soon. Holla.
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In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya share their experiences talking about sex with the olds.
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Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Kenrya: Hey, y'all welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On. So this week we're going to take a bit of a walk down memory lane and have story time.
Kenrya: Is that our storytime song now?
Erica: Maybe, maybe not. I might not be able to remember the melody next time, but okay.
Kenrya: That works too. So we were interviewing somebody recently and they were talking about how great their mom was in terms of having conversations about sex. They might ask a crazy question or a question that felt like it came out of leftfield, and they were like, "My mom just kind of took a deep breath and answered the question, when it was a little difficult. And it got me thinking about what conversations we may have had. I feel like, at least I know on my end, they weren't quite what she was describing.
Erica: I was going to say, that's going to be a short ass episode. Cause I ain't got shit to say. We just acted like it didn't happen. So yeah.
Kenrya: So I have two conversations that stand out. So I'll start, I'm from Ohio, you know and pretty much everything that I learned about sex, in terms of sex education was at school. There was no talk at home. I was raised by my dad. He definitely wasn't touching that shit.
Kenrya: So my school had sex ed in the fifth grade. And so half of the year we did sex ed. This white woman came in and taught us how to put condoms on bananas, which I feel is the standard thing, but that's exactly what happened. And we have like a little box where you could put an anonymous question that she would answer. And that's all I remember about the class. And then the other half we were in D.A.R.E. So it was don't have sex, because you might get pregnant and don't do drugs because you might die. I truly believe that my father, his whole thing was just leave it to school, to teach her.
Kenrya: And so we never had questions or conversations. I never asked questions. If I wanted know something, I got a book out of the library because I've always been this person. And that was really it. So I can only remember one time my dad saying something about sex and in the moment I was grossed out and I'm still grossed out, it's still disgusting to me.
Kenrya: Yeah. We were at the movies with some family friends, and this is so gross. So everybody had popcorn and I'm trying to remember exactly how this happened, but somebody was complaining about having popcorn stuck between their teeth. It's before the movie started. And my dad says something to the effect of it being like when you get hair stuck between your teeth.
Erica: For two reasons, one it's your daddy with hair between your teeth.
Kenrya: Right. So I was fucking mortified because I did understand what he was saying. I think I was in the eighth grade and I remember that the family friend was like, "Yo, like Kenrya is right here." And he was like, "I mean, she had sex ed. She know." And I just tried to like keep my face impassive because it wasn't a conversation that I wanted to be in. So I just decided to play dumb and act like I knew nothing about what was happening next to me.
Erica: Like, "I didn't hear it."
Kenrya: Yeah. Like, it'll go away if I just pretend that it's not happening here. Exactly. Yeah. That face is what that memory does to my brain. But it is, as far as I can remember, the only conversation I've ever actually had with my dad. Cause I had one more conversation about sex until years later when I told him that I had an abortion, but that wasn't really about sex so much as about sanity.
Erica: Bitch, that was like this decade.
Kenrya: Yeah, it was. I was firmly in my thirties. Yeah. So that's, that's my first story about talking about sex. I know, I know, I know, I know.
Erica: So what's interesting is my family kind of kept it. We didn't talk about it and we glossed over it. But the older I get, the more open my family is. My granny would talk about it, not from an educational, but from like a, "Let me tell you what I heard these freaky white women do." She told me that Donald Trump, the reason that Russia had all that on Donald Trump was because they got pictures of a white women shitting on his chest.
Kenrya: She had it wrong.
Erica: Where she found this out, I don't know. But anyway, so I'm sorry, I have the hiccups. So we really never had lots of conversations about sex. As a kid, sex was just unheard of in my home.
Kenrya: Even though, it was a whole bunch of y'all niggas. Like, where y'all come from.
Erica: Exactly. So I do remember once my great grandma died, Little Granny. Little Granny died and everybody went there to clear out her house. That process has me so scarred. If I die, Kenrya, just light a match.
Kenrya: Where were you? Was that when you texted me and was like, “Bitch, here's my password?”
Erica: No, I think that maybe that, no, it wasn't that? No, this is when Little Granny died. This was when I was a kid.
Kenrya: Oh, okay.
Erica: So Little Granny died and they were up cleaning her house and she had this little, they found her old school douche, the thing with the hose, right? And then I found these playing cards with like naked people on them. And I remember my aunts like giggling and stuff like, "Ooh, Granny was into stuff." That's the only thing that we've talked about. But now that I look back on it, my mother dated this guy all through high school, same guy, all through high school. And she got pregnant, I want to say her senior year and the baby was born prematurely and didn't survive. Like it was some 1970's shit. I'm convinced if the baby was born today, I'd have a big sibling. So I think maybe we kept those conversations quiet because they were like, "Your momma did it. So let's not let you do it."
Kenrya: They thought that if we didn't talk about it, it wouldn't happen.
Erica: Yeah. Which I'm like, no, you're going to know all of it. Every bit of it. So yeah. And again, when I die, I’m open about my chest of shit. So just want-
Kenrya: I was about to say everybody already knows. This show has ruined any type of privacy around.
Erica: Yeah. Like, "No, she mentioned that in episode 10." Okay. So what else do you have? I feel like I'm going to be afraid of this one.
Kenrya: No, no, no, no. I don't think so. That one was scarring. This one is funny in hindsight, but mortifying at the time. So, everyone knows Judy Blume's, "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret." And I had it. And I've read all of everything. I think I've said on this show before, I was reading things that were inappropriate for me forever.
Kenrya: In the third grade I was taking Danielle Steel books out of the library and reading them because nobody was paying me any fucking attention. I read all of V.C. Andrews in the third grade, second grade, all of it. Yeah. I was a voracious reader. I was a very good reader and I was reading everything and nobody was paying me any fucking attention.
Kenrya: I think they were just glad I was reading. It wasn't even like I was hiding this shit, it had her whole-ass face on the back of every copy. I did read age-appropriate things, but this book that I'm about to mention was not that. "Are You There, God, It's Me, Margaret" it's probably fourth, fifth grade, maybe, because it talks about puberty and it stars Margaret, who wants to get her period. And she does, "We must, we must, we must increase our bust."
Kenrya: “The bigger, the better, the tighter, the sweater, the boys, the boys, the boys all want us” or some shit. So a lot of people don't know that there was a boy companion book that was all about puberty from the point of view of little people who identified as boys. And it's called "Then Again, Maybe I Won't."
Kenrya: And I was trying to remember what it was called today. Like on my way home, driving from acupuncture. What the fuck is this book called? I remember the cover, but couldn't remember what it was called, but I got it. And, as I always say, I was raised by my dad, but I would occasionally when I was younger visit my mom. There was a weekend where I was visiting her. And I remember she was in the kitchen cooking and I came running into the kitchen, dying, laughing. Like holding my stomach, doubled over, “Oh my God, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen.” And my mother is like, "What?" And I'm like, "This boy in this book."
Kenrya: She's like, "Okay." I'm like, "He just had a wet dream." Now, I was probably seven. I think I read this in the second grade. My mother looked like a deer. I just talked to her too, I'm sure she doesn't remember this at all. Like a deer caught in fucking headlights. Like she had no idea what she was supposed to say to me about this. And I thought it was hilarious. And she was like, "Well, what's a wet dream?"
Erica: That's how you know a parent don't know what the fuck to say. So let me ask what do you think this is?
Kenrya: Exactly. And I was like, "He was sleeping and he had a dream and then some stuff came out and it was wet and it was a dream." And she was like, "Okay. Why is it funny?" I was like, "Because it's funny in the book." And she was like, "Alright." And I went back to my book and kept on reading. There was no engagement around it.
Erica: Do you know what? That reminds me of another story.
Kenrya: Hey, good, good, good.
Erica: I remember in middle school. Again, Midwest you're Black or white, right? Like race is literally like-
Kenrya: We had Puerto Ricans on the west side.
Erica: No, we had Black or white. There was one guy he was Latinx. I don't know if he was Puerto Rican, but his last name was Dejesus. We called them the "De-Jesus." His last name was De-Jesus, right? So I forgot the boy’s name. Boy Dejesus. There was a rumor around the school that he had sex with a girl and he peed in her.
Kenrya: Oh God.
Erica: Right. I remember going home and I don't remember. I remember talking to mom, "Mama, this boy was having sex with this girl and he peed in her." "Y'all little dumb motherfuckers don't even know what you're talking about. That ain't even possible." And I just scurried off.
Kenrya: I feel like so much of like of their lives were made easier by us just walking away. Like.
Erica: She probably called her girlfriend like, "I can't believe, but then she just walked off." I was just like, "You know what? All right, girl." She was right. So he can't pee in her.
Kenrya: It's sad though. That's the extent of the conversations that we had. I think we're doing different with our children.
Erica: Definitely trying to do different with our kids. When I have to talk to my son about stuff, I take a deep breath. Well, he doesn't like to ask me, let's be clear about that. And he's like, "I'm not discussing this with you." But he does have lots of men in his life who he feels comfortable talking about this stuff to. You're going to know way too much. Even if at some point I got to sit you down, tape your eyes open, and keep you from plugging your ears with cotton.
Kenrya: Oh, we haven't gotten there yet, so it's more like laying groundwork. Right? So we have lots of conversations about consent and autonomy and gender expression and gender identity and that kind of stuff. That's really, as far as we have gotten, she's about to be 10 and periods and puberty and all that kind of stuff and body stuff. But we haven't made that leap yet because, it's probably coming. It's probably a conversation to have very soon.
Erica: I was talking to my son's therapist about this. I was like, "He ain't trying to talk to me about it." She was like, "He's not really interested. We've talked about it. He told me that some kids were having oral sex on the playground." Cause they have the middle school and the elementary school. So the middle schoolers were having oral sex and he was just freaked out about it. And this isn't, I remember one of our good friends-
Kenrya: This was when school was still open? Oh wait, he's back. Right?
Erica: He's not back. But this was when school was open.
Erica: One of our good friends had the same situation where her kid was like, "Why do you put your mouth on it?" Because, oral sex. I was like, "Wow. Y'all are real advanced."
Kenrya: Back when we were that age, it wasn't a conversation. I remember there was a girl that, she let somebody finger her. Of course, it was about her letting somebody do it to her and not the little person who did it to her, but okay, patriarchy. But oral was still really taboo when we were that age.
Erica: I was introduced to oral sex when the demon who shall not be named dropped “12 Play.” And I was like, "They put their mouth on it?" And now I'm like, "Oh yes, yes they do."
Kenrya: I don't even think I realized. You're right. That was my first exposure, but I don't, I don't. Oh, I didn't exactly know what it was.
Erica: I didn't know that that's what was going on. Except I went to one of my girlfriend's cousin's sleepovers and they were like high school kids. They knew what was going on and they had the boys come over and the boys was like dancing and it was like acting like they were doing it. And I was like, "What?" When the boys left, me and my girl was like, "Look, they kept putting their face down there. We need to understand what's happening."
Kenrya: So you got an education?
Erica: Not a lot. Cause they ain't know what the fuck. They were just like, they lick down there. So I mean, it was like the 101 remedial class.
Kenrya: Wow. Well, Hey, that's our story time of talking to our elders about sex. We'd love to hear-
Erica: Maybe we can do a dispatch on it or something? Like if you've got a good story, call us and tell us. We can run that at some point or just email us or hit us up in our socials.
Kenrya: Yes. DM us or email us TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com and maybe we can even get some audio from you depending on how intriguing your story is.
Erica: Yes, indeed. Well that wraps up this quickie. So this is Erica and Kenrya, two hoes making it clap.
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Hit subscribe right now on your favorite podcast app and at YouTube.com/TheTurnOnPodcast so you'll never miss an episode.
Erica: Then follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. And you can find links to books, transcripts, guest info, what's turning us on, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com.
Kenrya: And don't forget to email us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com with your book recommendations and your pressing sex and related questions.
Erica: And you can support the show by leaving us a five star review, buying some merch, becoming a patron of the show, just head to TheTurnOnPodcast.com to make that happen.
Kenrya: Thanks for listening. And we'll see you soon. Holla.
The Turn On
The Turn On is a podcast for Black people who want to get off. To open their minds. To learn. To be part of a community. To show that we love and fuck too, and it doesn't have to be political or scandalous or dirty. Unless we want it to be.