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In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya read an excerpt from "My Billionaire Benefactor" by Shae Sanders and talk about the sniff test, men in baby suits and sex work.
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Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Erica: Hey y'all, welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On. This week we are reading “My Billionaire Benefactor,” which is a Candy Girls Book Number 1, written by Shae Sanders in 2019. This one's a little different. We wanted to discuss sex work a bit, and I think so often people just think of sex work as escorting. But there's so many facets to it, one of which is ...
Erica + Kenrya: Sugaring.
Erica: We're going to read a quick excerpt from a book. Then we will come back and chat with you.
Erica: See you on the other side. Sit back, relax, get your wine, your weed, whatever you need and enjoy.
Kenrya: That's a T-shirt.
Erica: Get your wine, your weed, whatever you need.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: Merchandise, spring 2020.
Kenrya: I like it.
Kenrya: “My Billionaire Benefactor,” Candy Girls Book 1, by Shae Sanders.
Kenrya: I turn and walk toward the bathroom and he called after me, "Don't keep me waiting too long." I peed and did the sniff test to make sure I was on point. I was still a little tipsy, but that was good. The liquor was keeping me relaxed. I hadn't had sex in over a year and I definitely wanted to please him, and I wanted to feel good. I deserve to feel good. I took a few deep breaths and psyched myself up, "You can do this, you're a bad bitch. Go out there and put it on him." I didn't tell myself to give him his money's worth, but it was in the back of my mind for sure.
Kenrya: I step back out into the bedroom to find it mostly dark, save a few candles shine and lit. How romantic. He was sitting on the edge of the bed staring in my direction. I said nothing as I walked toward him, and his eyes roamed my body like he was starving and I was a whole meal. I reached down and pulled his shirt over his head. Even tipsy and turned on, I still noticed how soft that damn shirt was. It had to be expensive. He placed his hands in his favorite place on my hips and stared up at me. "You sure?" I nodded and gently grabbed his face with both hands. We kissed passionately and he moved his hands to unbutton my jeans. He tried to slide them down but you can't do that with tight ass skinny jeans. I kick myself for not taking them off in the bathroom. But it was too late now. I stepped back and eased my jeans down over my hips. He watched me intently. By the time I was down in just my panties he was practically salivating.
Kenrya: I moved around him and laid down at the head of the bed. He stood, finished undressing, and walked around to the other side. I caught a glimpse of his dick and I try not to panic. "Would that thing even fit? He opened a drawer in his nightstand and pulled out a condom. I watched him unwrap it, pinch the top, and slowly, slowly, slowly roll it down. Like he was teasing me. I could barely stand it anymore. He laid next to me and rolled to face me. "You good?" he said. I nodded and he reached and slid my panties down. I grabbed him and pulled him closer and he rolled on top of me. Just the pressure of his body on mine, the weight of him pressing on to me felt so good. That's the kind of thing you miss when you haven't had sex in a while, the weight of human connection.
Kenrya: I gripped his muscular back and kissed his neck. He tried to work his way in and I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block out the pain. He finally answered me fully and stopped, resting his forehead against mine. "Are you good?" I asked. "Yeah, he said. "It's just, it's tight down there. I'm not complaining though, trust me." I giggled and caressed his back on my fingernails. He sighed and began to move and I moved my hips in unison. I couldn't believe how good it felt. I moaned in his ear and he moaned in mine and we kissed deeply like we were each other's last meal.
Kenrya: First-time sex can be tricky and awkward, but this was neither. I bit his shoulder as he stroked me and he placed a hand on my throat and squeezed lightly sending me to a place I had never been. Then he stopped abruptly. "What's wrong?" I asked breathlessly. "I'm going to make you come tonight." "That's okay. It might take a while." "I don't care." "I'm fine. It feels good, Shawn." "I know that. Listen, I need you to focus. It ain't going to just sneak up on you like it does for me. Think about whatever turns you on the most." "You." He grinned and kissed me. "Whatever it is, it's the only thing that should be in your head. Can you do that for me?" I nodded. And he started again. Slowly and gently. He kissed me and bit my lip and caressed my tongue with his, and I could feel the pressure building.
Kenrya: I thought about him, about his face, about his money, about his body. But he stroked me slowly and rhythmically and with an incredible amount of patience. I lost track of time but he'd been going for a while when he ducked his head down to lick my nipple. He sucked gently and finally, the pressure gave way and I came, hard. I was so overwhelmed I started crying, happy tears. I hugged him tight as aftershocks pulsed through my body. He kissed me gently on my lips as I came down and when he saw my tears he brushed them away with his fingers. "Don't stop," I said. "Well, I'm just giving you a minute." My arms and legs felt like jelly. Shawn saw my arm trembling and smiled. "Get it together, Imani, you got at least one more round. I'm about to turn that ass over for me."
Kenrya: Well, damn, but I sure did turn my ass over with a quickness. He didn't even warn me. He just slammed right into me. I cried out and he seemed to become another person, one I liked. "Throw that shit back, baby," he growled in my ear. And I obeyed. "Just like that," he said as he thrust in me. "You sexy as fuck, you know that?" I whined my answer. I couldn't have spoken actual words even if I wanted to. "That pussy's so wet, you hear that?" he asked. And I did. And it turned me on even more. Then he had the nerve to grab my hair. He pulled it lightly and I was impressed by his restraint. If I could have I would have grabbed his nearest body part and scratched until it bled. That's how good it felt. Instead, I spoke my pleasure and the louder I moaned, the harder he thrust.
Kenrya: I was on the verge of screaming when he licked my ear and said, "Why were you crying? The dick that good?" "Yes," I cried and he chuckled in my ear. "Yes, what? Don't be shy." "It's good." "Don't fucking play with me. What's good?" The aggression drew to a level of sexual insanity I had never felt before. I would have done anything for him at that moment. I would have said anything or gone anywhere. "The dick is too good. I can't take it." "You will." He slammed into me harder and faster and the sound of our bodies meeting filled the room. "Take this dick." I didn't want it to end but I could tell by his movements that he was losing control. He was close. And I wanted to talk shit too. "Fuck me, Shawn." He groaned and gripped my hips so hard I felt bruised. "Harder. Fuck me. Just like that," I whined. He obliged and not 30 seconds later he was growling in my ear again as he came. I didn't even want him to pull out. A line had been crossed and walls had come down. I'd never taken sex lightly. It's the literal joining of bodies, minds, and souls. Shawn was in me now and I was in him, and that meant something to me. We lay there for a while breathing in sync with each other and I tried to ignore the little voice in my head that told me not to trust it.
Erica: Welcome back, y'all. That was an excerpt from “My Billionaire Benefactor.” So, the reason that I picked, oh, before we get into it. Let's do a quick synopsis of the story.
Erica: So, the story starts off with, what's the main character's name?
Erica: Imani. They call her Mani.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: Starts off with Imani. She is a broke college student. But she's a non-traditional college student. It's taken her a while to finish school and she has one more semester left and the book opens with her on her countdown to get her final semester paid. She thinks all she needs is X amount. She's working a little job. Come to find out she needs Y amount.
Kenrya: Yeah, financial aid, she's like maxed out on her financial aid.
Erica: Yeah, she's maxed out on financial aid. So, her co-worker says, "Hey, girl, why don't you try this sugar daddy-sugar baby website." At first, she's like, "Nah. I can't do it." Then she's like, "Maybe I should." Because life happens and she's like, "I need this money. Maybe I should." So, she joins the website. Meets a couple guys. And one of the guys she's sugaring with and it's a typical situation. The other guy, she's sugaring with she actually likes and falls for. And, sexy hijinks ensure, dot, dot, dot?
Kenrya: Yeah. Sure.
Erica: Okay. So, I picked the scene that we have because it opened up with, to what I thought to me, was something was just so universal. She knows they're about to fuck so she goes to the bathroom, she pees, and then she does the sniff test. I fucking died when I read this because I'm like, "Oh, my God. I've done this a million times." What about you?
Kenrya: I haven't. I always go pee. I pee but I don't think I do a sniff test.
Erica: You don't smell your pussy?
Kenrya: Not right before it. She fine.
Erica: I mean because the thing is pussies are like pockets. They're like a warm moist pocket. And, have you ever like left something warm and moist or just something moist.
Erica: Something wet like a pile of wet clothes and then you come back and, you know, like pussies are like that. Not a pile of wet mildewy clothes but because they're warm and they're organic sometimes they have a smell to them.
Kenrya: Yeah, absolutely.
Erica: Now, usually, I've never ever did it and the smell was a deal-breaker. Never. Just because I mean, I ain't going out, I ain't shopping with a pussy that ain't tip-top, it ain't in presentation shape. If a pussy's going out for a spin, it's going to be in presentation shape pussy. But I always do a sniff test. Generally, when I'm doing my pre-sex...I have a pre-sex ritual if it's like a session at home.
Kenrya: What's your pre-sex ritual?
Erica: If I'm at home and I know we're having sex and that kind of thing, usually, I'm shaved. The older I get the less I give a fuck about shaving even if it is a new partner because I'm like, "You grown, we grown." And I keep my coo pappy waxed. But, I'm talking about shaving my legs. It's like, whatever. But, yeah, shaved, maybe not. I always shower and then I always put on deodorant again because I use that natural deodorant and girl-
Kenrya: Fuck, yes.
Erica: ... You know?
Kenrya: Yes, yes, I know. I know. I know.
Erica: I can't be riding a nigga with a funky pit in their face.
Kenrya: I mean you can.
Erica: I can. Because again, like, very rare.
Kenrya: What do you all do and tell you to get up?
Erica: I very rarely have some like deal-breaker. No, I've never had like some deal breaker shit going down. I don't think I have? But anyway, so yeah, it's usually a shower post-sex and that kind of thing. But if we're on a date, "Oh, this shit's good and fun. What's going on?" I always hit up the bathroom. I run a wet paper towel over my pits and my cooch.
Kenrya: I pee. Because I always have to pee. So, better for me to go ahead and do it one last time before.
Erica: Empty the bladder.
Kenrya: Exactly. I think the one thing I do before sex is I shower and I brush my teeth.
Kenrya: Always. In part-
Erica: Because you know being kissed and already got a problem.
Erica: If your teeth ain't fresh or on point.
Kenrya: Yeah. I can't. So, I brush my teeth. You brush your teeth too. And especially, because I don't eat meat, I don't want whatever meats you ate mingling in my mouth and blech. So, no. I wash, shower, and I don't ... I shave my legs maybe four times a year.
Erica: Oh, no.
Kenrya: I'm not super hairy.
Erica: I shave my legs. I like my legs shaved. I really like my pussy waxed because I like the smooth feeling when we're having sex.
Kenrya: Yeah, I haven't done that in a year.
Erica: Oh, I am very regular. But yeah, I like the smooth feeling. But generally, I shave when I want to for whatever. But very rarely am I shaving because I'm about to have sex. You follow?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: So, yeah. Okay, well, I thought a sniff test was a universal thing, but, and that's why I hollered, "Readers." I don't know why I keep you calling y'all readers.
Erica: Listeners. If y'all do the sniff test let us know because I thought I was the only woman. Maybe I'm out here just shopping a funky pussy, right?
Kenrya: No, you're not.
Erica: That's a funky pussy I'm shopping.
Kenrya: But it's literally the opposite of that because you're checking.
Erica: I'm shopping an unsure pussy.
Kenrya: Nah, just because I don't do it doesn't mean that everybody else doesn't do it. Maybe I just don't give a fuck.
Erica: Like, "You going to get this pussy whether or not you want it."
Kenrya: Exactly how it is. What I do sniff always is my armpits because I stink. And one of my armpits is like stinkier than the other. The left is just out of fucking pocket.
Erica: So, yeah, I realizing I have a stinkier arm pit and again, this natural deodorant life, it holds off. But don't think...
Kenrya: You can't get all the way to the end of the day.
Erica: Yeah, don't think if you run into me at 10 o'clock and the last application was at 6:00 this morning, you're getting a fresh pit.
Kenrya: Thursday night I went to get into bed. I had on a nightgown. You know, I sleep without it but I had on a nightgown while I was sitting in the bed working with my partner and I took it off and laid down and my head rolled to the left and I said, "Oh, shit." I said, "Smell this." He said, "Girl."
Erica: You told him to smell your stinky pit?
Kenrya: I sure did. He was like, "I'm not going to smell it." I was like, "Nigga, you stick your fingers in there all the time." "But that's my choice. I'm not smelling your pit because you trying to make me smell it." I'm like, "Well, all right." I got up and I washed it because I couldn't even sleep well when it's smelling like that, let alone have sex.
Erica: He like, "Oh, who was that funky ass" I hear this humming. It's coming from my armpits.
Kenrya: It was so bad. I couldn't even get comfortable.
Erica: Another really real moment in this scene was when she had on these tight ass-
Kenrya: The jeans, yeah.
Erica: The jeans. She had on these tight as jeans. Fashion Nova.
Kenrya: Yes. It's all I wear.
Erica: At one point she said, she was like, "One day I'm going to buy some jeans that are thicker than a piece of notebook paper." And I was like, "But they hug your booty so well."
Kenrya: They do. That's what sucks about that article about how Fashion Nova is supposedly unwittingly using third parties that don't pay their people well enough. I mean, fuck.
Erica: You get a suit for $45.00.
Kenrya: Right. How much how can they really be paying people who make that shit?
Kenrya: That sucks.
Erica: But it was such a real moment because there's nothing sexy about-
Kenrya: Trying to struggle out with class and then get them over your foot.
Erica: ... struggle out of some jeans that you had to struggle to get into. Girl, and then getting them over your foot joint?
Erica: That's why also it's hard for me to take serious masculine-presenting men that-
Kenrya: That wear tight jeans?
Erica: That wear really tight jeans.
Kenrya: My partner wears really tight jeans. I like it because I like his booty.
Erica: Mm-mm. If you got to arch your foot to get into pant-
Kenrya: He don't have to arch his foot but they tight enough that I can see all the muscles. I like it.
Erica: Yeah, no, I don't want you to... Can we have a ...
Erica: There's this man in my office building. And he wears baby clothes. Like he wears like toddler clothes. And I get that there's this thing with men wearing fitted clothes. I love a man in some fitted clothes. I love, my typical type is a doughier gentleman. But I'm starting to embrace the slimmer figured man.
Kenrya: Look at you.
Erica: I know. And it just like freaks me out when I see this man wearing these baby clothes.
Kenrya: Is everything just like shrunken?
Erica: Everything is shrunken. Imagine like a suit but then it got like shrunk. So, they're not like the short pants. They're like the motherfucker stopped mid-calf.
Erica: It's like a full pant that's stopped mid-calf. And I saw him, you've seen him in the summer and his shit was like always too super tight. You could see his heart beating through his chest, his nipples, and shit like that. Then I said, "You know what? What is this man going to do in the winter?" I saw this man in the deli the other day and what did he do? What any bad bitch would do. This motherfucker put on tights. He had on these thick-ass dress socks and it was just like, "You look like a fucking fool." Like they are legit baby clothes. It's not like they're short. It's not like it's fitted. No, you have on baby clothes. Then there's this office across the hall from me and there was this whole crew of baby clothed motherfuckers. They all had on these baby clothes and they wear these little soft-assed driving shoes that aren't real and it was cold as shit. And so, I'm like, "I know your foot is getting wet out in that snow and your ankle ain't right." Girl, I can't do it. I can't do it. Like I think that they're-
Kenrya: Yeah, my partner wears those shoes as slippers.
Erica: No, but they have structure. These are more like-
Kenrya: Like a moccasin?
Erica: It's like a moccasin. But it's just like, dude, like, if I wore some shit like that to work I'd be the hoe.
Kenrya: Well, that's interesting.
Erica: But you out here with your titties out, your clavicles and chest out, your cleavage out.
Kenrya: So, is it the double standard of it all that bothers you? Or you just also don't want to see his nipples?
Erica: The motherfucker looks stupid. I would love to see a good nipple. You know, I'm all about titties, especially with my current journey. I love a good looking at titties. But it's just you look stupid. You legit look like you got, you in somebody's like ... Like you wearing some toddler clothes. It's like their wearing a baby suit. Like they went to Macy's and got a baby's suit.
Kenrya: A little baby suit. A confirmation suit, if you will.
Erica: Yeah. Yeah. You got your church suit.
Kenrya: I kind of want to see it.
Erica: I have pictures on my phone.
Kenrya: Oh, okay. I thought you show anyway.
Erica: I literally took pictures and sent it to our Detroit friend because she used to work near me and we would see him together. Golly, where we did end up? Where did we end ... Okay. One of the things she also mentioned in the story was how she felt like how when they were having sex she said he was laying on top of her and she could feel the weight of human connection.
Kenrya: Oh, the weight. Oh.
Erica: And as someone that is a master debater that's so ... That really does-
Kenrya: You're a master debater?
Erica: Yes. As a master debater, yeah. The difference between your master debates and the main show is like when you feel ...
Kenrya: Literally, the connection that other is there, yeah.
Erica: Yeah. That was just a moment.
Kenrya: Yeah. It was like a moment.
Erica: Such a sweet little moment. So, something else that I don't know if y'all picked up on it but earlier in this show, earlier in the book she said that she has never come from sex. And that's why he was talking her through coming. And I love how when he was talking her through coming he was like, "Anything you like, me, money ..."
Kenrya: She said, "I thought about him, his face, his money."
Erica: I'm like, yeah.
Kenrya: Whatever it takes.
Erica: Whatever it takes. And it's kind of okay. So, this is where we're going to open up the discussion about sex work. Because some people, I think, easily look at sugaring as sex work and some people, I think, try to make it not sex work.
Erica: They're like, "Oh, well, he just gives me money." And so, this isn't sex work. And it's like, "But it is."
Kenrya: Well, you're getting paid for something. You're having sex with him and he's giving you money. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just is.
Erica: Noting wrong at all. And some women have sugar daddy's that-
Kenrya: Just want their presence.
Erica: Yeah. They just want their presence. And, you would be surprised at how many men are like that. Like they just really want to like sit and hear your goals and your dreams and you ain't got to have sex. And they will give you money. And men act like they won't. "Oh, that's so stupid." Isn't that what you're doing when you taking these people out on these dates that you know don't really like you? I say it all the time, everybody pay for pussy.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: Everybody pay. I saw this meme and it was this dude. He was like, "I get nervous when women give pussy away. "Like damn, you don't want no Wendy's or nothing?" Right? Because it's like my time. Even if it's just I'm paying you with my time, I'm getting something. You're paying something for that pussy. Ruth's Chris, okay, you pay for that pussy. And, again, a wet pussy-
Kenrya: Formalized our agreement.
Erica: A wet pussy and dry pockets just don't match.
Erica: I'm a firm believer that, and as I date now, I tell men all the time, like I have an amazing group of people, amazing group of friends. When I want to feel the weight of a human connection, I masturbate under my weighted blanket. So, yeah, you got to bring something to the table. And, oftentimes, it's gifts and money. But it's not always that. We just ain't going to be fucking around for the sake of fucking around. You need to add value to my life, even if this is just a fuck buddy situation. you know, like make me laugh, motherfucker, dance. Tell a joke, something. You know?
Kenrya: Tell a little jig.
Erica: Yeah, and I think that niggas ain't got no problem asking for pussy.
Kenrya: No. Never.
Erica: They have no problem asking for pussy. So, they shouldn't have a-
Kenrya: Without bringing shit to the table.
Erica: So, I think women shouldn't have any problem asking for money.
Kenrya: I think in general, none of us should have trouble asking for what we want.
Erica: Yeah. And also, I think that it's important for me, I think it says something about a man if he's willing to watch his partner or the person he's with struggle.
Kenrya: Struggle, yeah.
Erica: You know? Like you can't do nothing, like nigga help. Try something. Make a phone call. Do something. You know?
Kenrya: Yeah. I mean that's real. I'm obviously a single mom and I can't say I'm co-parenting or saying, I will say that my daughter has a father. But my partner is adamant about paying for things because he's like, "you have more responsibilities than I do." He's like, "I don't got no kids. If I fuck up it's just me." He was like, "But you got a whole other person you got to pay for. So, why the fuck would I let you pay for something when I got it, and you need to save your money for you and your kid?" And, I respect the fuck out of that. It's hard for me because I have trouble letting people do things for me. But I respect the fuck out of it and appreciate it.
Erica: I think it's hard for me when I actually really really like the person. And it's just like eh.
Kenrya: Right. Because you don't want to feel like you're using them.
Erica: You're using them.
Kenrya: And leaning on them too hard. And then, of course, because we've been conditioned not to need people that makes it difficult. That is something I should work on.
Erica: I definitely appreciate a man that's willing to be like, "Look, I got this. I got you." You kind of touched on this. As a broke college student, did you date niggas that you didn't care about? That you weren't interested in for meals or anything like that?
Kenrya: No. I didn't. I used to be a hardcore serial monogamist which really is just a way of saying you don't like to be alone. So, I went to college with a high school boyfriend who was awful. Broke up with him partway through.
Erica: I rolled my eyes so hard because I've heard stories about this awful high school boyfriend.
Kenrya: Oh, Lord. I broke up with him partway through freshman year, ended up with another nigga sophomore year who was hard to shake through senior year, as hard as I tried. Then ended up with another dude. I just was in relationships the whole time until now.
Erica: Yeah, I totally did as a college student. Totally did as a college student. I don't think that I was necessarily in a formal sugar baby relationship, but most of the men I dated were older and they were all helping out, even it was just give me some money so I can get through the weekend, which now, that I think about it, I'm like, "Shit, I was selling myself short."
Kenrya: A weekend, nigga?
Erica: Yeah, I should have been getting for real money. Because again, they got no problem asking for pussy, dragging my ass out when they want to go somewhere and look good with somebody else on their arm. And I was trying to be nice and coy. But, you know, "Let's go to the movies?" "No. I can't get to know you at the movies. I'd rather get to know you over a date." So, we'd go eat. I love to eat. So, it definitely worked out. What are your thoughts on sugaring?
Kenrya: In general?
Erica: Yeah, just in general.
Kenrya: I don't know. I mean, I think it's a thing.
Erica: It's a thing people do.
Kenrya: Yeah, I don't have any value judgements or shit. Yeah, no, it's a thing. I don't see anything wrong with it. I think we all have to do what we have to do. Or want to do what we want to do.
Erica: Looking back on what you know now, do you think college Kenrya would have sugared if college Kenrya knows what she knows now?
Kenrya: Oh. That's a really good question. Probably not because I didn't have time. I was taking 21 credits a semester like a fucking crazy person. I worked.
Erica: Why were you taking so many fucking credits? It's not like you got three degrees.
Kenrya: I had a double minor and then I was working at that PR firm constantly. Then I pledged. And I was a chief of staff for an office. I just did everything.
Kenrya: I barely had time for the niggas that I was in relationships with. But maybe I would have had to work less if I had a nigga giving me some money, in hindsight.
Erica: Yeah. Like I'm just like, damn you was doing a whole lot. I mean like I couldn't eat through college.
Kenrya: See, I've been working since I was 14.
Erica: I didn't know you in college. When my child goes off to school, I'm going to be like, "Get there and do the bare minimum." I mean I hate to sound like a-
Kenrya: Focus on your school and have fun.
Erica: Have fun. Get to know your classmates. Don't be in there like fucking off and not graduating but that whole like burning yourself out, double majoring and all that shit, you still got a degree just like the rest of us.
Kenrya: Yeah, but that's deeper for me, right? I got all this perfectionism stuff.
Erica: No, right. That's why I'm like, Kenrya now.
Kenrya: Oh. I would like to say, yes, but I don't know that that's true. I still work a lot. I still am a workaholic. Even though, I try to not be a perfectionist it is still in me. I work really hard to keep that from being, I do a much better at keeping my daughter from embodying that because I see it her and have to pull her back from it. But I was the type that if I got less than all A's I was crying and going to see my teacher and fucking trying to fight.
Erica: Well, we'll revisit this question in a year because we going to have to work some of that down.
Kenrya: Yeah. It is better now than it was for sure. But part of that I think I convinced myself that it was a necessity, right? I didn't have a whole lot of money growing up. I had wanted to go to college. I knew that we didn't have the money and my father didn't have the credit for me to be able to finance it in any kind of way on my own and so, I had to be valedictorian so that I could get scholarships. You know, what I mean? Then I got to college and I felt like I needed to be the best because I needed to keep my fucking scholarship up. There were all these things that tied into why I felt like I needed to be excellent. But I was never really able to turn it off.
Erica: Well, hopefully, the spirit of Erica grabs hold of you a little bit harder and encourages you to do a whole lot less.
Kenrya: Yeah. I know.
Erica: So, one of the things in the book that Imani's coworker introduced her to the website. And so, Imani was telling her, "Oh, I met this really great guy. He's a billionaire. He's trying to solve all my problems. The problem is I'm starting to like him." Her coworker says something along the lines of, "Girl, get out now. You did well. Get out now because you got your boo, you got the dream. Get out now before you get used to the lifestyle," or something like that. To me, although she showed her, put her on to it, it still showed a little bit of [crosstalk 00:31:58].
Kenrya: That she had some judgment attached to that.
Erica: Yeah, some judgements attached to doing it. Because I was talking to a group of girlfriends last night that are probably a generation older than me, and they were saying how, "Oh, I love your attitude and your generation's attitude when it comes to sex and your bodies, and that kind of thing."
Kenrya: But they don't really. Because remember when I was dating and I told them I was going to have sex with that dude after the second date. And they were like, "Don't do it. It's not going to work."
Erica: Oh, totally. Uh-huh. Yeah. Totally. And I'm like, "No, we're going to fuck."
Kenrya: "You're selling yourself short." I was like, "Bitch, but my pussy wants some attention."
Erica: Period point right. My pussy want some attention. I like this generation following us attitude, especially when it comes to like sex work because I think everyone's more open to it. I think women our age, our group, are a lot more judgmental when it comes to like sex work.
Kenrya: yeah, they are.
Erica: And, it's like, "Girl, again, you sell your pussy for free." Why? I get I'm in a relationship, I love you, yada, yada, yada. But some of y'all just be fucking like some ain't shit niggas just for the sake of it. Like get yours honey.
Kenrya: Yeah, they getting theirs.
Erica: In whatever way you want to. So, I actually really like this generation's attitude when it comes to sex work.
Kenrya: To sex in general, honestly.
Erica: The fact that they are much more creative. Like, we're going to have a dominatrix on for a quickie. And we're going to a deep dive into like-
Kenrya: Financial domination?
Erica: ... domination and financial domination. But I mean, like cam girls and phone sex operators, and bitches selling panties. I just really enjoy seeing people have healthy-
Kenrya: The ingenuity that goes into that.
Erica: Yeah, the ingenuity. They're healthy and safe. And what's wrong if helping somebody explore their kinks and you get a little cash off of it? I would totally sell my big ass drawers. Totally. I remember there was a book we read a long time ago. It was like the vampire, the undead people, and the girl had a girlfriend that every time they would go out she'd buy panties. Then she realized that her girlfriend was like selling her drawers or something?
Kenrya: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Erica: It was one of those quick fluffy books that I-
Kenrya: Well, did they it to the show?
Erica: No, I might of read it on your bookshelf when you were living in New York.
Kenrya: Oh, okay.
Erica: One of those kind of things.
Kenrya: Oh, Undead. The Undead Series.
Kenrya: I fucking love that series.
Erica: I still have them upstairs.
Kenrya: Yeah. You stole a lot of my books. They're so good.
Erica: But yeah, and so, it's just like, "Fuck, yeah." Like I would totally do that shit. And I think part of the reason that a lot of women are hesitant to show their faces and stuff isn't necessarily the shame that they may have about it. They just know it's just a bigger fucking deal.
Kenrya: They don't want to have repercussions.
Erica: I don't want to have to fucking deal with anybody's, listen to somebody, or my mama talking about it, or my father saying-
Kenrya: Or your job. It's all kinds of ways that things, unfortunately, can come back to bite you in the ass. I mean like even doing a show like this it could theoretically, I guess. I don't know, in my job they be talking about it and I'll be like, "Okay."
Erica: Yeah, I definitely told an older Black woman at work. We were talking about it and she said, "I have a toy." I said, "All righty."
Erica: Then I told her about it. Because she, "I love listening to pods." I said, "Well, I'm going to let you listen to a pod."
Kenrya: I love it.
Erica: So, if you're listening-
Erica: ... shout out to you. Okay. So, I think sometimes we think about sex work as like a drug-addicted prostitute on a corner or a group of girls that got shipped in a container from some Southeast Asian country.
Kenrya: Which is a very real thing.
Erica: Yeah. And I think it's a very real thing. And I think that's why it's so important to embrace healthy and consensual sex work because when that happens then it forces out the ... I mean, I'm about to start to a whole dissertation.
Kenrya: It leaves a space for trafficking when we criminalize people finding ways to use their body that is consensual and that is non-detrimental to them.
Kenrya: Yeah, it leaves that space for the shady shit to happen because the people who are ready and willing, their opportunities are being taken away from them whether it be digitally or they're being criminalized in real-time on the streets. And so, then you got people who are able to make a ton of money by taking kids and other people from other countries and taking advantage of folks who are in tough situations and putting them into the trade.
Erica: Kind of like abortion, you know? When you're stuck doing them in a back ally they're all going to be shitty. So, this also, now that we're here talking about this, so, I recently started consuming porn only from like paid sites. So, I'm a subscriber to certain OnlyFan's pages because I think that, I mean first it's cheap as hell. Some people their OnlyFan's be like $5.00 a month or some shit like that. And I usually, like be doing like a month because who wants to look at the same person every single time. But I just think that I've read stories and heard stories about how Pornhub, because even Pornhub has like the verified channel where they have the verified entertainers that get paid for you viewing their page. But that always isn't really correct. From what I understand porn has-
Kenrya: You mean like the money doesn't make it to them?
Erica: Yeah. There's some shady shit that goes on and then like getting that. Then also, oftentimes, non-consensual porn ends up on some of these websites.
Kenrya: Oh, like hidden cams and shit?
Erica: Yeah, hidden cams or some nigga sends in a sex tape. Because just about every amateur ... Well, most of them is like report this if it needs to be taken down. Most of the time it's like, "Oh, shit. I'm looking for porn. There I am." So, I think that there's a lot to be said for people that willingly and consensually just want to record. You know, like engage in sex work and engage in sex acts for money on camera in life. And, we need to embrace that more to make more space for this healthy sex. Girl, I found this man on Twitter. Oh, Twitter's amazing.
Erica: I was reading somewhere or was I talking to someone? It should of, could of been here. Where someone's talking about how any new thing like the internet or books or whatever, once you get sex and art to embrace it-
Kenrya: It pops open.
Erica: ... that's how it actually grows.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative). That's what made Tumblr such a big thing and that's why it's nothing anymore because they took all the porn away.
Erica: Tumblr had all the good porn too.
Erica: Oh, thinking about some shit on there this morning, ah, years ago. Anyway, so, yeah, so I have a few OnlyFans pages that I subscribe to, again, because it's like let's let people put out there what they want.
Kenrya: Let's do it.
Erica: And you actually consume it as opposed to you finding a fake sex tape. I've been trying to be so much better at not looking at people's sex tapes that end up on Twitter.
Kenrya: Oh, yeah. I don't look at those.
Erica: I've been trying my best. I was so happy when that one of DaBaby-
Kenrya: It wasn't him?
Erica: Because everybody kept talking about how great it was and I was like, "Don't look at it. Don't look at it." And so, I didn't.
Kenrya: Can't look, can't look. Yeah, I never look at those.
Erica: But then the guy whose dick it was claimed and I said, "Now, I can look."
Kenrya: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's actually the porn star or something star.
Erica: And I was like, "Whoa, that's an impressive dick."
Kenrya: Oh, was it?
Kenrya: I still haven't looked at it.
Erica: It had a hook to it and everything, and you know I love that hook. But yeah, so, I mean I think it all boils down to consent.
Kenrya: And not taking folks livelihoods away from them. I mean, some folks do sex work because they want to. Some folks do, do sex work because they have to. There's a lot out there about the trans community where folks are pushed out of other jobs, and sex work may be the only thing that they're able to do. But then that's criminalized as well. And you're literally taking people's ability to use their own bodies in their own fucking ways that they want to in order to make a way for themselves. So, then what do you want folks to do?
Kenrya: It's maddening.
Erica: Credit card scams.
Kenrya: Right. This shit is maddening.
Erica: Yeah, it's fucked up. Well, again, that all boils down to what? Consent.
Erica: We love it. So, that wraps up this week's episode of The Turn On.
Kenrya: It does.
Erica: So, this is Erica and Killa, two hoe's ...
Erica + Kenrya: Making it clap.
Erica: I tried to snapping.
Kenrya: Did you snap?
Erica: It tried.
Kenrya: It didn't work. Wait, let me try and snap with you.
Erica: My nails are too long. Bye, y'all.
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. We want to hear from y'all. Send your book recommendations and all the burning sex and related questions that you want us to answer to TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com. Please subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app, follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod, and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast and find links to books, transcripts, guests info, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. And remember, The Turn On Podcast is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find more podcasts that you'll love at Frolic.media/podcasts. Thanks for joining us and we'll see you soon. Bye.
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In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya talk to therapist Quinn Gee-Edwards about healthy dating post-divorce, loving the body you're in and the pitfalls of marrying the first person you have sex with.
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Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Kenrya: Today, we're talking to Quinn Gee-Edwards, pronouns she and her. Quinn is the owner of Magnolia Mental Health and founder of Hey! Black Girl. She's a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in codependency, trauma and minority-related issues, including those that impact women, members of the LGBTQ community and people of color. Thanks for coming back on the show, Quinn.
Quinn: Thanks for having me, y'all.
Erica: So, Quinn, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Quinn: I used to want to be president, actually.
Erica: Me, too.
Quinn: I wanted to be president.
Erica: But it was just because I thought that it was running shit, and I didn't think about the responsibility part, now I'm like, "Fuck y'all. I just want to be rich and do nothing."
Quinn: Well I knew the presidency wasn't going to make you rich-rich because I think their salary, when I was coming up, was like $125, or $200,000 a year, and I was like-
Quinn: It ain't about the money, but I wanted to be the first Black woman president, I'll never forget that.
Erica: Me, too.
Kenrya: There's still time.
Erica: No, thank you.
Quinn: No, thank you.
Kenrya: Fine. So how did you get from there to here?
Quinn: I wanted to be a psychologist, originally, and I actually ended up needing therapy in college because I went through a divorce, and when I was in my own therapeutic process, that's when I realized that's really what I wanted to do, I wanted to do more direct work with people, and not saying as a psychologist you don't do direct work, but at that time, the pathway I was going to be going on was more research and policy-based, and not necessarily client-direct kind of work. And so after going through my own therapy, I'll never forget, it was a Russian white woman, I'm friends with her on Facebook now, but she helped me change my life and really reframe my marriage, and she was the first person that ever told me that what was happening in my marriage wasn't okay. I remember feeling so empowered by that, and I changed my course soon after.
Erica: That's really dope. In the book we read last week, it was called "A Taste of Our Own Medicine," there was a woman that was navigating life, post-divorce, and we know you work with a lot of women that are in that space.
Kenrya: And, as you just told us, you were in that space.
Erica: So when the book opened, Sonja, the protagonist of the book, she's starting an entrepreneurship class to help her get her business up and running. How often do you see people embark on new adventures like this after a divorce?
Quinn: but I see a lot of that, definitely. I'm trying to think, what did I do? I started dyking, that was it.
Kenrya: You're like, "Dick? Not for me."
Erica: You're like, "You know what? I like pussy." So why do you think people make such a big change?
Quinn: I think usually it's you want something so different from what you just had, you want to auto-correct, like rewrite your life in a way, to straighten it back out. We think of a relationship as pants, then the divorce was the wrinkles, and now you want to iron that shit back on out. Quite often, it doesn't work that way, but it does make you feel better to make these very surface, immediate changes.
Kenrya: That's real. So another thing that Sonja struggles with in this book a lot is negative self-talk, so she'll talk bad about her body, she called herself "stupid and weak," a lot of times in her head, but even sometimes out loud, like with the person who's trying to be her new partner. I know, firsthand, that when somebody has repeatedly told you who you are, you can start to believe it, and I think that that's a lot of what's happened with her, she has this terrible ex-husband who has really put a lot of negative ideas into her. What are some strategies that folks can use when they need to short-circuit this kind of thinking?
Quinn: Definitely remember the source of the original judgment. If you can remember the voice of the person who said that to you, that's really important because then you can assign it and give it back to them. Usually, we're not the architects of our own worst thoughts about ourselves, they usually come from somebody else in our environment. I'll use my own examples. Chris, which is my ex-husband's name, he used to always tell me I wasn't going to be shit without him, and, for a while, it started to feel like my words, like, "I'm not going to be shit without him. What am I going to do? I'm divorced, I don't have nothing yet."
Quinn: And then some of the work that I did in therapy was reminding myself that I was shit before him and I will be shit after him, but this little anomaly in my life is not the sum of who I am, and the anomaly was our marriage. And once I was able to give that kind of critique his voice, and I immediately had a reaction, I remember thinking, "I don't listen to nothing this nigga got to say, this nigga is stupid," and immediately felt better. But it does take practice, some days are easier than others, some days you will fail, but it's also really good to have people around you echo who you are back to you, have good friends that remind you that you're beautiful, you're not what he says about you or they say about you, that you are valuable, even when you don't do shit for people.
Quinn: Also having things that also make you feel good about yourself available to you. Like being able to work out or run, or if you're in school, taking a class that just feels good, instead of one that's for your major or something, things like that, like being able to pour back into you because it's going to be a difficult process, decoupling of any kind, but it's even harder when you don't have a good sense of who you are.
Erica: Another issue in this book is sex, and it's always a problem when you marry the first nigga you ever had sex with, and of course that is what our protagonist did, she married the first nigga she ever had sex with, and never once had an orgasm when she wasn't masturbating.
Kenrya: That's the ghetto.
Erica: What'd you say?
Kenrya: That's the ghetto.
Erica: The ghetto!
Quinn: It is.
Erica: Well, you with a nigga. It was to the point where she thought it was her fault that sex was boring, she thought something was wrong with her. And so she has a hard time believing that she's attractive and believing that this younger man is really attracted to her, and she's embarrassed when he makes her cum. Is that a common response?
Quinn: Yeah, absolutely, especially if you get real wet or you squirt or have some very external orgasmic reaction, definitely a lot of shame associated with that because it's unladylike, or some kind of whore-type complex shit, or even the shame or guilt that "I am able to do this with this man that I wasn't connected with under God, but somehow I'm doing it with this person who I haven't had this deep connection with, so it must be something wrong with me." It's really important to have people in your corner to remind you, "Nah, that nigga was just giving you"-
Kenrya: Trash dick.
Quinn: Mediocre dick.
Erica: Welcome to the world of good dick.
Quinn: To make it inclusive, trash strap for all them years, you know what I'm saying? So that's what we are. I think it's important to just know, one, that's common for a lot of people who experience that, but also knowing it ain't your fault, this is just the body, your body is going to respond to shit even when your mind don't want.
Erica: So, Quinn, in the book, the character, Sonja, had a really tough time disengaging from her manipulative ex who, as we said earlier, pumped her with info about how she wasn't shit, told her kids information about her and they used it to accuse her of being a bad mom. So how can we set boundaries that keep our kids out the drama that an ex can bring when we still have to co-parent with them?
Quinn: I think probably making sure that you, on your end, never bad-talk the parent or former partner in front of the kids. Also making sure that you are trying to keep as close to the routine that they had when they lived with both of you. And the best thing is always family therapy because divorce takes a toll on kids, even when they're witnessing a relationship that was unhealthy and they have relief when it ends, it's still a grieving process and it does take some adjustment, and it's important to make sure the kids feel like they have somewhere safe to deposit those feelings and someone to talk to.
Quinn: Of course, a good [inaudible 00:10:18] would be, for you as a parent, allowing them to express their emotions because, quite often, we just want the kids to be okay with the big decisions that we make, as if it's not happening to them, too. When a kid's got an attitude, or they frustrated or they get mad or get an attitude, we get mad at them for doing that and punish them for those feelings, and think about what's that saying to them: when something bad happens to you in your life, or different, or a big change, you are not allowed to express your feelings because it's going to be met with some kind of negative impact. And that's not fair.
Quinn: And kids ain't got as many coping skills as adults do. We can get in the car and go somewhere, or go to the gym, or go out on more dates, have a drink or whatever it is, but kids can't always do that, so they have a limited ability to express their emotions, and then we box them in by telling them that their feelings don't matter, that's not fair. So it's really important to make sure that you give them an environment to express themselves.
Erica: That's a really good perspective.
Kenrya: Another theme that comes up is body image, which rang super true to me, especially if you marry young, that body that you had when you was dating, that ain't the same body you got when you reenter the dating pool. So how can we shore up our confidence in this area when you are in a space where you are now undressing in front of new folks?
Quinn: I think just coming into it knowing that if your foundation is good about how you feel about yourself, that generally you like yourself, you think you're attractive, or whatever the case may be, I think it'll be fine, especially if you acknowledge, too, that it's going to be anxiety-inducing getting undressed in front of a new person, like it just is, even if you are most comfortable, confident person in the world with your body, getting undressed in front of somebody that you have a new relationship, it's still awkward.
Quinn: So it's important to just know there's always awkwardness in sex, it always is, and so that's something that, as adults, sometimes we get in our head this idea that sex has to be in perfect harmony and all of that shit, and, nah, you could be sweating, body odor, somebody might fart, awkward positions, there's all kind of shit that goes into it. And if we can accept that there is always going to be some anxiety around sex because it's just about a performance and your pleasure is immediately measured, I think that that'll help, too.
Quinn: But the biggest thing is just feeling confident in your own body, being okay with being undressed in front of yourself because you're usually your biggest and most vocal critic, and if you're all right getting undressed on your own and you enjoy looking at your body for most of the time, then I think that'll help a lot.
Kenrya: In the book, Sonja struggles to take care of her kids and her sister and sometimes her ex-husband, and it becomes clear pretty quickly that she's codependent, putting the needs of everybody else in front of her own. You recently blogged about your own struggles with codependency. I'm really interested in how you manage your own mental health while you help other people with their journeys.
Quinn: I mean, my team around me is amazing. Honestly, I don't know how I got so damn lucky to have such a team because they see me even when I can't see myself, and it's important to have people around you that can just pull you out of your own cloud of bullshit sometimes. I think that the biggest thing for me is just, one, knowing ... I used to always know when I was in that fog, but recently I've had trouble seeing that I'm in that fog, your eyes adjust to the light, and it's important to have somebody around you who's just new to that environment, like, "What the fuck?"
Quinn: And so, for me recently, I haven't always been able to self-correct like I usually do, which is like making sure I take lunch breaks, making sure I have at least one day off during the week, not working outside of my scheduled hours, and so I hadn't really been consistent with that, but even when I did implement that, I still was feeling the same, and that's because it was part of a larger thing, I didn't realize I had a relapse in codependency.
Quinn: It was really good to have my people around me to put some fresh eyes on what was really going on, but I had to be honest with them, and that part was the hardest part, being honest with myself and being honest with them. Since I did that, what's been helping me is going to my therapist and making sure that I eat, even if it's some bullshit in the morning, at least it's something I enjoy eating. The other day, I made some breakfast pork chops, and right before my 10:00 session, I was like, "I know I smell like pork," I was just in my head about it for like 10 minutes, and then I was like, "Fuck it, it was some good pork chops."
Quinn: But I do try my best to do the things that I know have worked for me, like taking my lunch breaks, keeping my hours, being really good about my time in sessions, make sure I have food in my fridge downstairs, but, also, being honest with other people around me and having them tell me, "Okay, you're doing too much. Ain't nobody ask you for all that yet. Wait on them to ask you to do all this shit," and so that's really good, too.
Erica: Does the fact that you've been through a divorce impact the way you counsel your clients?
Quinn: I guess yeah and no. I feel like I know how far to push some people when it comes to their relationship stuff. Sometimes I always step over the line and I'm aware of it and I always try to make amends at their next session or later on my own. But I think that it helped me because I would try to work from my feminist perspective, and I work from a very body-positive perspective, like very fem women, minority person, supportive perspective, and so I advocate very much for people who I have shared identities with, and so, yeah, because I [inaudible 00:17:33] those people in my life and I have those experiences, that is the therapeutic perspective I chose.
Quinn: But, also, I think sometimes giving some clients some information about my own experience helps them feel more comfortable because a lot of my colleagues do a lot of co-therapy, and there are advantages to that, absolutely, where they're a little bit more removed from their clients, but that hasn't been where I've been successful, I've been my most successful with clients and in my practice by pulling my skirt up a little bit and letting them see what's underneath. It's important for them to know, "Hey, I have been through this process, it's not just me telling you some bullshit, I have been here, let me tell you how it might feel and might look on the other side of it."
Kenrya: So, speaking of which, on our last show, Erica and I talked through our post-divorce relationship histories, what we learned and how that impacted the way that we approached dating after the fact. What did dating look like for you after you moved on?
Quinn: I immediately started, and start dates are fuzzy in some people's memory, but I was seeing a stud soon after I left my ex-husband, and there was some good times, she was in Gospel choir. There's something about a church-loving stud that just ...
Kenrya: Do it to you?
Quinn: Yeah. And she used to sing and shit in random places, unexpectedly, as a romantic gesture.
Erica: Aw, that's nice.
Quinn: I don't know, I want to let everybody know, I hate singing and dancing, I hate that shit so much, I fucking hate it. I don't like to see, unless you are a paid performer, and I'm talking marquee, I don't want you to be singing and dancing in front of me, it's so cringe-worthy, I hate it.
Erica: That reminds me of a time I went on a date and a dude started singing in my ear in a bar.
Kenrya: Oh God, you lost it.
Erica: I was just like, "What do I do?"
Quinn: Do you nod? Do I pretend I know the song? What the fuck? She did at my birthday party, I'll never forget.
Erica: Wait, was she singing church songs? Or just-
Quinn: No, neo soul. I want y'all to know this about me, too, I don't like neo soul.
Erica: You're like, "Now you singing some Boosie? Good."
Quinn: Now, listen, she could have beat the odds.
Erica: You are such a bird, I love it.
Quinn: I'm just saying, don't sing ... oh my God, I was so embarrassed, I was like, "Now I can’t even eat this damn gyro because you done sang to me in front of all my goddamn friends and now everybody laughing in their head because they all know I hate this.”
Erica: Because you just had to go fishing for a stud at church.
Quinn: I didn't go to church, no, I met her on campus at school, now be clear, this wasn't because I was seeking out the Lord, I met her in class, and she happened to love the Lord and sang for him at school. After her, I actually dated five men named Chris in a row.
Erica: Well, that was easy.
Quinn: Yes. I got my ex-husband's name tattooed on my hand when I was 19, so it's Chris on my hand, so every Chris I dated was like, "This for me, ain't it?" "Sure, nigga."
Kenrya: "Sure, nigga."
Quinn: It was just really bad, and they were all abusive in some form, emotionally, financially, physically, sexually, it was just some bullshit. I'll never forget, my friend, she was just like, "Why not after the first Chris we didn't realize Chrises wasn't shit?" And so I was like, "Solid point." So I started dating just randomly, I dated a sex addict for a while, which was really rough, and it really fucked up my self-esteem. Then I dated ... I guess my baby dad is somewhere in there, but it was a blip on the radar, I was popping. I don't know. My baby daddy was before my husband, nevermind. Wait a minute, he was before my husband.
Quinn: But after that, I was just dating men, I dated a really socially-reclusive man who was very rich, and that was nice for a while, but then rich men usually want you to do weird shit, and so I couldn't get jiggy with it. But I actually was dating his girlfriend, and that's how I met him, so ... it was a long night, and it was a good night. I'm just saying, I ran off on the plug, if you know what I mean. To be fair, I continued to have a relationship with both of them, and both of them knew.
Erica: You don't want to leave anyone left out.
Kenrya: Equal opportunity.
Quinn: No, I am very inclusive. Yes.
Quinn: But after a while, she was annoying. And I'll never forget, she came to my house in some flare-legged jeans-
Erica: Nope, we're good.
Quinn: And I was like, "This is it. I'm good."
Erica: "I need an excuse."
Kenrya: "Final straw."
Quinn: She had flare-legged jeans, and she had her hair flipped in the back, I was like, "Girl."
Kenrya: I used to rock the fuck out of that flip in high school.
Quinn: Same, but this was like 2014, and so I was like, "Girl, what is this? No thanks." It was Memphis though.
Erica: Well, okay.
Quinn: But after that, that's when I met my wife on Twitter, and that was September 11, 2015, I believe.
Quinn: And I thought she was cute, and I asked her did she like girls, and she said yeah, and then I asked her for some nudes because I was trifling back in the day.
Erica: Something tells me that trifling didn't end, but okay.
Quinn: No. And so she flew to Memphis, I made her some fish and spaghetti, took her to a Martin Luther King museum, and bottle of some whiskey, and we've been together ever since.
Kenrya: Yes, courting.
Erica: So you said you met your wife on Twitter.
Erica: I'm not sure how long you were married and stuff, but did you feel like the dating landscape changed? We talked about this on a last episode, how before we were married, before we both went into our marriages, online dating really wasn't a thing, nobody was really shooting their shot on Twitter, maybe MySpace, but it just wasn't happening. Once we got out, it was a completely different world. Did you experience that?
Quinn: Yeah. In that block of time after I stopped dating the Chrises and I started dating my wife, a couple of men that I met were online either through OkCupid or Plenty of Fish, "Plenty of Gonorrhea" is what it should be called.
Erica: I hate you.
Quinn: And even Craigslist. So I was meeting guys online, and that was easier for me because I didn't know it then, but it's obvious now that I had a lot of social anxiety, so going out and meeting, if I was going to clubs and shit, where you would normally meet guys, I really wasn't doing that. But by the time I started dating my wife a couple years later, online dating was a thing, a lot of people I knew had met their partners online, some good sites were still trying to find their way. But for the most part, a lot of people were doing it online.
Kenrya: We have a few friends who met their husbands online, but they all got married after we did, I feel like there was a boom of it after that.
Erica: Yeah. Okay, so, we like to ask our guests “would you rather questions,” so I got one for you.
Erica: Would you rather live your life stuck to your partner, like stuck to them, like y'all sewn together, or would you rather only see your partner for one day every year?
Quinn: I would rather be stuck to my wife. Man, my wife is my best friend, like we travel well together, that's our favorite fucking thing is just traveling, and sitting the fuck down is our favorite thing, we love that shit so much. There is a quote by the great Eddie Murphy, Jerry Seinfeld asks him, "What's your favorite thing to do, what do you like doing?" And Eddie Murphy said, "My favorite thing to do is nothing," and that shit changed my life when I watched that. So that's our thing, we love to do nothing and so much together. Like right now, we're going to go to Trader Joe's, it's date night, but guess what we're going to do? Come the fuck home and sit the fuck down and eat.
Erica: I love it.
Quinn: And watch animal documentaries, high as fuck.
Kenrya: I like it. I'm all for it.
Quinn: I can tell you so much shit about the Earth. Listen, if we are in some general trivia about the Earth or animals or the ocean, I know everything, everything.
Erica: Okay, so Quinn is on our Trivia Night team.
Kenrya: Yes. Because I don't know nothing about none of that shit.
Erica: You buggin’.
Quinn: That come from hundreds of hours of high watching shit. I probably don't remember nothing right, but I can tell you what it feel like.
Kenrya: You got enough of the pieces.
Quinn: Yeah, I can piece it together.
Erica: Yeah, you have definitely inspired my evening.
Kenrya: Well this has been delightful, thank you so much for coming on again. For folks who missed the first time Quinn was on, it was maybe Episode 6.5 in Season 1, go back and listen to it, do yourself a favor, we were talking about hoteps. And so for folks who want to find you outside the show, where should they go, Quinn?
Quinn: They can go to MagnoliaMHealth.com, they can find me on Instagram, MagnoliaMHealth, or Memphissippian. I don't think I've ever said that out loud. Because I lived in Memphis for a long time and I'm also a Mississippian, so Memphissippian. And you can also find me on Twitter @MagnoliaMHealth.
Erica: All righty.
Kenrya: All right, well thank you for joining us and thank you, listeners, for being here, too, that wraps up this week's episode of The Turn On. Peace.
?Erica: This episode was produced by us, Erica and Kenrya, and edited by B’Lystic. The theme song is from Brazy. We want to hear from y'all, send your book recommendations and all the burning sex and related questions you want us to answer to TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com. And please subscribe to the show on your favorite podcasts app, follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod, and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast, and find links to our books, transcripts, guest info, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. And, remember, The Turn On is now part of the Frolic Podcast Network, you can find more shows you love at Frolic.media/Podcasts. Thanks for joining us, and we'll see you soon, holler.
The Turn On
The Turn On is a podcast for Black people who want to get off. To open their minds. To learn. To be part of a community. To show that we love and fuck too, and it doesn't have to be political or scandalous or dirty. Unless we want it to be.