LISTEN TO THE TURN ON
Apple Podcasts | Google Play | iHeart Radio | Radio Public | Spotify | Stitcher | TuneIn | YouTube
CONNECT WITH THE TURN ON
Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | Goodreads | Patreon
In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya read K.A. Smith's "Parking" and talk about having car sex, keeping things fresh and remembering that you're a bad bitch.
The Turn On participates in affiliate programs, which provide a small commission when you purchase products via links on this site. This costs you nothing, but helps support the show. Click here for more information.
Kenrya: Come here, get off.
Erica: Okay y'all, welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On. This week we are reading “Parking,” which was written in 2014 by the fabulous K.A. Smith. So sit back, relax, get your wine, your weed and whatever you need and enjoy.
Kenrya: “Parking,” by K.A Smith. Vivian pulled the car to a stop on the street instead of pulling into our driveway. I lifted my hand, half asleep from the long drive home, and looked out the window. Even in the dark of night, I could see I needed to spend some time weeding near the fence. I made a mental note to take care of it tomorrow before it got too hot.
Kenrya: I looked over at Viv wondering only briefly why she hadn't just pulled up to the house. The 66 Charger grumbled harshly as we sat. I had never been crazy for this loud hunk of metal, but Viv loved it. And when she suggested we take it tonight, I couldn't find a reason not to. "Did you forget the garage clicker?" I leaned back against the headrest, a smile tugging at my sleepy mouth. She was always forgetting things. Just that morning she forgotten her wallet. I met her at the door, my short robe, breasts peeking out teasingly, "Did you forget something?" I waved her wallet in the air playfully. She ambled up the driveway, shaking her hand and grinning sheepishly. "No, I didn't forget," she said next to me now.
Kenrya: Her voice held a hint of desire, gravel thick and rough. She turned to look at me. Her eyes held the same sumptuous tone of flecks of gold shimmering. She’d cracked the window, letting a tendril of air curl inside. "Then just pull into the garage babe, I'm ready to get out of this dress." She raised her eyebrows suggestively, her cheeky grin hanging on her face. "I can help with that," her face implied. I looked her over in the driver's seat. She was a fine dapper gentle lady in her all-black suit. Viv was suave, laid back, but always thinking behind those almost black eyes. I let my vision feel with her moving over her slowly, wondering what thoughts she had working behind those intense orbs of hers.
Kenrya: “Let's stay here a minute.” She settled back into the lush leather seat after turning the ignition off. Her body tilted toward me at an angle. Viv propped one leg slightly in the curve of the low slung door and spread her legs a bit. The streetlights splashed across her lap accentuating her generous package. She put her hand on her thigh, spreading her fingers out. Her thumb twitching near her hardon, outlining its silhouette. "Come here," she said, her voice slipping into a lower register. She nodded me over with a cocky head tilt, still rubbing her leg beneath her slacks. Her firm thigh strained against the material. The air in the car was becoming thick and hot despite the vents she left open in the window. I felt the air pressing down on this, creating electricity from our heat.
Kenrya: Viv? I questioned, feigning surprise. I kept my voice low, but excitement and anticipation was creeping in on me. Was she attempting to seduce me? Are we parking right here in front of our house? "Come here," she said again. And this time she lifted my hand onto her lap and rubbed herself against me. She was hard. Vivian tried to maintain her composure not wanting to rush me all at the same time, but our engine was revved and far from idle. I felt the tiny hair stand all over my body, my sensor liquefying and rushing toward my car.
Kenrya: I kept my hand on her lap, absorbing her heat. "What do you want?" I asked, playing a flirter in my eyelashes. "You know what I want baby." Viv reached down between her legs quickly and pulled the lash to adjust the seat, grip, the seat rolled back to its furthest notch, fast with a hard stop. She stretched her legs out, spreading them even wider. Pressing deeper into my palm with a single upward thrust of her hips. The moving seat jostled me, jerking me along with her. She reclined the lumbar to a more comfortable position waiting. I bit down on my lip to quiet my surprise. Her quick movements made me giddy and a little bit flustered like a high school kid about to get in over her head. I was no longer drowsy from the car ride. Her spontaneity made my pulse thump in my ears.
Kenrya: I lifted my knees into my seat under my but so I could face her better. But I paused for a moment making my eye contact count. I've never done that before, I whispered lowly, grinning and leaning over her. If this is what she wanted then she'd have to let me play my part. I worked my hand along the shaft of her cock slowly, grinding my palm against her so she could feel everything my fingers were about to do to her. I want her to understand my intention. She groaned and let her hair fall back against the seat pushing into my hand, "Come on Stace, don't be a tease." A smile played on her face as she said it, such a corny weak line to try to persuade me, but I knew what she was doing and I couldn't help but smile too.
Kenrya: Viv put her hand on my thigh kneading me through the skirt of my dress. Her touch caused a heat in me like no other lover ever had. It was instantaneous, sparking, igniting, and then spreading all over me as soon as she placed as much as a finger on me. She knew my body better than I did. Fifteen years together and her kisses still made me dizzy. Her touch me all of my nerve endings spire rapidly until I was completely spent. She held me at the waist, spider walking her fingers up to the sides of my dress.
Kenrya: She pulled it down slowly, then slipped her hand inside catching only bare skin. I didn't wear a slip or a bra. She found out quickly just how naked I was underneath my black chiffon and sequins. She murmured deeper in her throat. Both my nipples tightened to peak as Viv trailed her fingertips over my skin. She pinched at my breasts as her fingers made their way to my sharp, stiff nipples. Rolling my tip between her fingers, she administered more for persuasive techniques. "What if the neighbors see?" I whisper. "They won't baby, I promise." Viv was right. The way she parked at the end of our driveway had us between a row of hedges with the streetlamp behind us.
Kenrya: I looked out the rear window then back at her, she must have been thinking about this for a while, me and her swaddled than a darkness of the front seat of our car. She slipped my dress far enough off my shoulder so it fell to my waist. Our breast dangled free, and she kept one in her hand, twisting and teasing me with firm pressure from her fingers. "Please, Stacey, I got a feel you on me, baby." Her voice was all tension and knots and liquid desire. I want us to prolong this tantalizing pleasure, but I was just as worked up as she was, the confined space at the front seat, the gear shift pressing into my thigh made me tingle. It had been a long time since I parked in the car and fogged up the windows with a cute girl.
Kenrya: And here we were in our after gala finery and the car outside of our house acting like two teenagers who might get caught fooling around. I wondered if this was in her plan from the beginning tonight. She took a painstakingly longer time to get ready than usual. I was well into my dress and heels before she was dressed for the fundraiser. No, this couldn't have just occurred to her on the way home. Thinking about her premeditated actions had me squirming in my seat. I unzipped her trousers with one flick of the wrist, tucking my hand inside for a quick feel. Oh, she definitely planned this little seduction. The silk of her briefs whispered against my palm.
Kenrya: She was packing something special just for me, a piston to deliver a series of long, hard strokes. How she's been so calm, cool and collected all night as I whisked her around the room of the museum, introducing her to people was such a rod in her pants? With her hand firmly tucked in mine, she hadn't given me any inclination of what was in store for me. Vivian helped me pull her cock out and on first glance at her thick member my cunt paused and a moan escaped my throat. I nibble my lips a little, wet in my mouth preparing. I wrapped my hand around a base of her cock watching Viv rock her hips slowly. I leaned in, settling into position over her. She was impatient, rocking and thrusting her hips upward to meet my lips.
Kenrya: With her hand firmly on the back of my neck, she guided me down over her. I licked the tip wetting it real good. I felt her eyes had on me and I knew she liked it when I coated her shaft in a thick layer of saliva. Viv held herself still as I took her into my mouth inch by inch. She filled my heart whole, soul completely. There was hardly any room for my tongue to work. A tongue underside of her cock as I took it in and out. I wrapped my lips around her tits, swirling and licking with my tongue listening to her cool, then took her in again all the way to the base.
Kenrya: With one hand I got the button of her trousers completely undone, freeing her. She lifted at her hips, pushing her pants further down. I continue sucking on her hard cock, sneaking my hand inside her clothes. Beneath her boxers I found her slick, so much so that her short hairs and outer lips were coded in her wet juice. I inhaled the heavy aroma of her cunt, then I played with her wetness, teasing and stroking her with a light touch. Then with the back of my fingers, I nudged and prodded her with my knuckles and took her deep into my mouth and back out again and again. Her secret held tightly behind her lips all night, must've been more than enough to arouse her to such state.
Kenrya: The feel of her silky drawers rubbing against her ass and pussy lips the entire evening, bringing her closer and closer to climax as the night wore on had made her delirious with want. I curl my fingers over her mound, spreading her lips slightly. She spread her legs wide giving me more room to slip inside. Her hips thrust into my touch pushing her cock deep into my throat. Any further and I might gag but she felt so good and smooth inside me, I didn't dare stop. I slipped a finger into her, her lips partying easily for me. Her breath huffed in and out and short choppy guffs, clouding the windows. She could try to hold off her climax as much as she wanted, but I wanted to feel her clench tight around my fingers and her hips bucking wildly. I wanted her to cum, and I knew exactly how to get her off.
Kenrya: I thrust inside her drenched cunt. Two fingers then three. She coded my fingers with each pulse inside of her. She threw her head back against the headrest grunts and a grown rising from her throat. Her sounds roar and unrestrained kept me pumping inside of her into her cry of pleasure echo throughout the hot dank car. Thumbing her clit and slipping a fourth finger insider resulted in an immediate release. She gripped my ass as her orgasm took her again. Her cunt gushed warm sat from her pussy all over my hand. "Stacey, baby, oh." She jerked as my fingertips massage the plush center of her G-spot and a come-hither flick of my fingertips.
Kenrya: She writhed beneath me so hard I banged into the steering wheel, my elbow hitting the horn and startling us boat. I let out a garbled shriek, then immediately burst out laughing her cock sliding from my mouth. Viv's booming laughter rolled off her tongue interspersed with heavy breathing. Her body shook beneath me, shaking me as well. My hands flew to my mouth, trying to stifle my laughter, but there was no reigning it in. Vivian reclined with one arm, cradling her head and the other hand tracing a line over my ear to my jaw. Even in the dark her face was bright with an ear-to-ear smile. She tried to catch her breath, sweat beads breaking out over her upper lip as I straddled her lap, pushing my high crotch into her. Hmm, I leaned in for a kiss, letting her taste herself on my mouth. Her tongue wrestled with mine, pushing and fluttering inside my mouth. Hmm, she groaned blowing over my lips. I've been waiting all night for some time alone with you.
Erica: Okay y'all, so welcome back. Damn, I just realized all I do is say, "Okay, y'all so," that's my-
Kenrya: That's your thing.
Erica: Now that we've been doing like Instagram videos [crosstalk 00:14:46] and stuff. I say, "Okay y'all so," and I realized that I say that because the caption thing that we use edits it to, okay also. Anyway, okay y'all, so welcome back. That was “Parking” by K.A. Smith, which was written in 2014. This is a short story, but we had to condense it in order to kind of not have y'all sit in listening for-
Kenrya: The whole time.
Erica: The whole time. Just a little, I don't know why I want to say non sequitur, what is wrong with me today? We're recording a little later than normal and I don't have any alcohol. I was thinking I was going to have a glass of champagne or something tonight.
Kenrya: No. Are you're off meds?
Erica: I've been off meds since Saturday.
Kenrya: Okay. Nevermind.
Erica: Yeah. Okay. Anyway, so a little summary.
Kenrya: Bitch, wait I had a dream I was drinking last night. No, you know I haven't had a drink in ...
Erica: I know, so why are you dreaming about drinking?
Kenrya: I don't know, I mean I ain't drinking like that.
Erica: Oh, you were like drinking, drinking.
Kenrya: I mean not like drunk, but enjoying an alcoholic beverage and talking to my friends, which is not a thing I do.
Erica: I realized today was the day that I got the call that it was cancer. And so I was like, a bitch deserves a little some something.
Kenrya: With your dinner.
Erica: But I want a big nasty burger.
Kenrya: Enjoy it.
Erica: Okay. We are going to tell the summary of the story, a good summation of the story. Long story short, this story is about two women. They've been together for a really long time. They go out one night to, I guess it's some fancy event. And fancy event is over, they're coming back, pulling up at the crib and it's like, "Ooh, let's get in, I'm trying to get out this girdle" But old girl's wife was like, "Uh-uh, you're going to get out this girdle, but we're going to get out of it together in the car."
Kenrya: Yeah, the throwback situation.
Erica: Yeah. And, okay, like I said, one of the things I loved about this is because it reminded me of going to fancy events for work and stuff. And literally I didn't do a lot of that with my husband, but I definitely with my girlfriends or dates or whatever. And I always remember leaving and being in an elevator with some random white couple, random person, with like one shoe off, my gut hanging over my Spanx, like, woo. I mean, you look at some other woman who was like, she'll put together and she's like, "Girl, me too."
Kenrya: There's solidarity in that moment.
Erica: It is. You know what? It is like that whole like. One of my things that I've loved lately is on TikToK. There's this audio and it's like, "Girl, I got to go, I'm doing hot girl shit."
Kenrya: Is that the one where she had her grandma doing the hot girl shit? Oh.
Erica: No. This one is just like women and they're like, "Girl, I got to go. I'm doing hot girl shit." And then it cuts to Megan Thee Stallion Girls in the Hood, "fuck being good, I'm a bad bitch." But then it was women doing like, taking off their bra. It's like, "Girl, I got to go. I'm doing hot girl." Bitch, that's why you got to follow.
Kenrya: I know I've seen that sound but the ones that I saw was like, it was one with a family dancing.
Erica: I literally sent you one.
Kenrya: There was one.
Erica: No, I literally sent you one. I literally sent you one because it was like, girl, I got to go, I'm doing hot girl shit. And it cuts to the chick and she's in the mirror popping ingrown hair in her bikini. And I'm like-
Kenrya: It me.
Erica: Yes, this is hot girl shit. I love it because it's always like some oddly specific thing-
Kenrya: The ring is really true.
Erica: ... that all women do. And that I'm like, the whole going to a gala, coming home and being like, "Ooh."
Kenrya: Get up and shit.
Erica: Let me uncase this sausage from this little brain.
Kenrya: Listen, I got to say, 2020, obviously dumpster fire, lit on fire with kerosene and whatever accelerator you can think of. But it's also the year that I may have given up bras almost entirely forever.
Erica: Bitch, bras and draws.
Kenrya: Oh yeah, now I haven't worn underwear…
Erica: I wear men's boxer briefs around the house. They're my pajama pants and my pajama bottoms or whatever. I've started just wearing them out.
Kenrya: Okay. That's [inaudible 00:20:12].
Erica: I mean, oh, no, no, not like out out, but I've worn them out under clothes occasionally, if I'm running to the grocery store and I have on a thin, I have various joggers. I might have one under joggers and I'm just like, "Erica, this is not bad bitch."
Kenrya: I mean, who cares?
Erica: But they're so comfy. So yeah, I can't even imagine going back to life.
Kenrya: I just don't, I mean life, yes sure, but not life that involves restrictive underclothing. I just don't want to do it. And yo, I wore that sheer shirt for our live show and I had to wear a bra, because I had to put the girls somewhere. And the first bra I put on, girl, it barely covered the nipple. I've gained so much weight and my titties have gotten so much bigger. And I literally laughed because the bra was laughing at me.
Erica: All you could do is just laugh this shit out like you know what. I haven't seen “WALL-E,” but the one thing that I know about “WALL-E” is that the humans in that movie, that Disney movie “WALL-E.” The humans in the movie they're all like blobs in chairs, in hovers scooters or something, because they can't move, because they literally just sit around. And I kind of feel like that's me because I'm not moving as much as I should be. And so I had my foot surgery and so I got my left monkey paw taken care of.
Erica: I'm in bed doing, not crunches but leg lifts and that kind of stuff. And not even from, I need to look good because I feel like we're all going to come out of this and just be happy we look. And then we're like, girl, that dent in your ass from sitting [inaudible 00:22:21].
Kenrya: Look good.
Erica: You look good [inaudible 00:22:24]. I mean, I think we're all coming out, are going to come out of this, just happy we made it. I don't feel like there's this-
Kenrya: Good, no pleasure, no.
Erica: ... crazy need to like ... I mean, this is me now. I'm like, later on. But right now I don't feel there's this crazy need to look a particular way. I'm so thankful. I'm so focused on the experiences and what's going to happen. And so I'm like, "Bitch, my body needs to be healthy, so I can walk to this secluded ass beach and lay out for a day." That's how my brain is thinking.
Kenrya: That's true.
Erica: I don't know how we got here.
Kenrya: We're talking about undergarments and the fact that they are-
Kenrya: ... restrictive tools of the patriarchy that are meant to-
Erica: Tools of the patriarchy.
Kenrya: Yeah, they force us into thinking that the way that our things stay on their own is not okay.
Erica: The things be thanging. I have a good amount of pasties to cover up my-
Kenrya: Well, also you don't have to wear bras anymore.
Erica: That's it. You don't need to.
Kenrya: Well, yes, this is true, but also your titties don't hang down in the way that mine do anymore. But I've also just decided I don't care. I mean, I had a bunch of doctor's appointments yesterday, did I wear a bra? I might've worn a sports bra. I've also gotten some really comfortable sports bras that I wear when I walk or whatever. And so sometimes if I feel so inclined, yesterday I had to do an EKG. I had to do all this stuff, so I was having to constantly take off my clothes. And so I was like, "I'd rather not have my nipples out and flinging around everywhere." So I'll choose a sports bra, which at least feels a little bit less restricted but underwear, no.
Erica: I generally wear sports bras to bed because I had my incident with-
Kenrya: Moving around.
Erica: ... titty moving around, my implant moving around in my chest. I generally wear sports bras to sleep just because am a wild sleeper, I move a lot. And then I wear a sports bra when I'm working out. But during the daytime, that's when I'm letting it loose. And out of this winter, so you can't like I'm wearing something heavy, so you can't see. Bitch, free the titty. Free tit. Okay. Speaking of underpinnings and things under your body, under your clothing. One of the big things that was great in this story was how I don't even remember the characters names. Oh my goodness. How the characters surprise Viv and Stacey. Okay, so Viv was a partner with the surprise. Stacey was the one narrating the story.
Erica: And so Viv surprised Stacey with a special surprise in her underpinning. She was wearing a strap the whole night, and then Stacey realized that once they got home, well, once they got parked and started their whole process. And I was like, "Oh, this is great."
Kenrya: It's like on Twitter when you open for a surprise.
Kenrya: I was like, "Hey, surprise."
Erica: Hey, open for a surprise. And I love it because it took like just the basic night and then turned it ... At that point I could just only imagine Stacey like, "Oh, shit." And went back to various points in the night knowing that Viv had this surprise for her. Oh, I love it. That was my chef's kiss. Do you think, have you done any little surprises like that throughout the night or?
Kenrya: Oh, I have. But I mean it's like lingerie that was unexpected, that kind of thing. So some with the nipples out of it or that kind of thing or crotchless or whatever. So that like once we got alone and that may not have ... they may or not have been back into a home. There was a little surprise to reveal that I was hiding all night. And what I like about it is it makes ... for me it tunes me into my own sexuality and my own feelings kind of way, so I'm bothered by the time it's already.
Erica: So by the time ... so he might even notice because he's like, "Damn, what's wrong with your [crosstalk 00:27:03]."
Kenrya: Yeah. Y'all sliding round and shit. Yeah. Also it's not just a surprise for my partner's surprise, it's cool for me too. How about you?
Erica: Yeah. With me it's really hard. I hate surprises because I like to know everything. I want to know all that's going on, I want to know what's coming around the corner. But I love giving surprises, but I'm also really horribly giving surprises because it's like, I want you to have the joy. I need you to experience this joy now. I told my brother today like, "You want to know what I got you for Christmas?" He was like, "No." I said, "Well, I'm going to show you." He was like, "No." So I did not.
Erica: It took a lot, I didn't do it. Okay. Shit. Anyway-
Kenrya: No, we've been having the same struggle on the scene. He's like, "Well, just tell me one thing and then I'll tell you one thing." And I'm like, "I like to be surprised, so no. Thanks." I literally did not, but he just wants to know so bad.
Erica: Oh, okay. My problem is I'll do something like that and then-
Kenrya: Maybe later regret it.
Erica: ... literally come out the bathroom and be like, "I ain't got on draws." Well, I mean, which is still great. I mean, well, first you're going to have no bras. Okay, whatever. But it still works because I might say it as we're walking out the door. So now you got to think about it with me. I'm like, "Okay, I got this surprise. We got this surprise. So what we going to do with it later on?" I have done that. One time, oh God, damn, sorry, I have first 48 on, and they are molly whopping the shit out of this girl.
Kenrya: Are they in Cleveland? You know they be in Cleveland.
Erica: Anyway, you know what actually, I think it is. I am almost positive, it's like a bar fight, not a bar fight, it's a club fight.
Kenrya: Very often that is how they are.
Erica: And I'm almost positive this is Cleveland.
Kenrya: It's like Cleveland, Miami police.
Erica: Yeah, Cleveland police. Yeah, Cleveland. Anyway, so one time I was out with this guy and we were, and I had bought some lingerie and so I found that different guys that I've dated have different lingerie styles. Some be like, "No, fuck it. I don't like lingerie." There was this one guy I was with who like, you know how you would see lingerie, Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie and be like, "Who the fuck would wear this shit?" He liked that.
Kenrya: I don't care.
Erica: He likes the nastier the fucking better. He wants skank. He wants like whole freak, nasty lingerie. And that just wasn't my style, but he liked it, so I buy it, well, he buy it and I wear. Anyway, so one night we were out, we were meeting for drinks or something then going to go back to the hotel and fuck. He texts me and says, "Hey, I'm pulling up. I'm in a hotel lobby." And as he walks in, I text him a link to lingerie that I had on which didn't look like-
Kenrya: Like you had, right.
Erica: Yeah. Anyway, he was like, "What's this?" And I was like, "I'll be wearing that," or something like that. And so he came in and I was in a dress and then he looked and was like, "Oh, okay." And then we were meeting people-
Kenrya: That's cute.
Erica: ... so that was fun and cute little thing to ... Because again, I want people ... I need to be like, "What you doing? You like it? You like it?" Kenrya is laughing because she knows this is exactly how I am. I was literally texting her pictures of the gift that I got her daughter for Christmas, because I'm so excited.
Kenrya: That's true.
Erica: Anyway, so yeah, I love the idea of that silent surprise and the strap was that. I'm going to try to discuss this in a non-problematic way and I will. And look, y'all ain't going to be crucifying my ass or I'm going to my edit this out if it is problematic. But anyway, during our live show we had a VIP experience for some of our very important listeners. And during the VIP experience, we did this game where we were talking about pervatables and we had people find stuff around the house. The judge was one of our play cousins, well, not even one of our play cousins of the show-
Kenrya: The play cousin of the show.
Erica: ... our only play cousin of the show. The play cousin of the show. And someone had pervatable that had a phallic object.
Kenrya: I don't know which one you're talking about, I think there was more than one.
Erica: It was ice cream scooper or whatever.
Kenrya: Oh yeah.
Erica: And so the [inaudible 00:32:48] shows like, look, I'm a lesbian, but I still appreciate it. And I was like, "Thank you for saying that.” And I think another ... We had a guy on that was just like, "Ooh, I didn't think about that." And so I liked the idea of how the strap was a part of the story, because it's like, just because you're ... and this is where I'm trying not to sound problematic, so stop me Kenrya, do this. But I think it was great to show in the story that just because they're two women that don't mean they don't want to like fuck a hole, right?
Kenrya: Yes. I mean, I will say of course the flip side of that is that very often people think that the only way that people without penises can have sex is to introduce a fake one, right. But that doesn't mean that having that be a part of your toolbox means that that's the only thing that you like, right. It was cool to see in this case, and it was not what they always use, right, and the way that they always see it.
Erica: And I was about to say, I feel like it was great because it seemed like it was a surprise like, "Ooh, we doing this today because we don't necessarily always do that." And also like, again, just because you're lesbian don't mean you hate dicks, like no, a lot of times dick is good, it's the person being attached to the motherfucker that's a problem.
Kenrya: Yeah. And I mean they treated the strap really in the same way that a dildo would be treated in some other story with a straight couple or whatever, it was a tool. And it was fun and it was a surprise, but it wasn't like this is the only way that we know how to get off. This is a way that we add something different in this moment to the way that we have sex, and that was pretty fucking cool.
Erica: Yeah, I liked it, I thought it was dope. And again, I loved the little sexy surprise, just like, hmm, hmm, hmm. And so kind of the main idea of this story is that this was a couple that had been together for a long time and they wanted to spice things up and do something a little different. So not only was the, "Hey, we're going to park. Hey, I'm going to hide my strap under my clothes and surprise you with it." Because they could have did that at home. They also decided to park. Did they park in front of the house or was it a few doors down?
Kenrya: In front of the house, yeah.
Erica: Okay. In my mind it was a few doors down but now I'm like-
Kenrya: It was something they had just like-
Erica: But I'm like, "Niggas don't park in front of their neighbor's house to fuck." Anyway, yeah. They decided to spice things up and I thought that was really great of Viv to think of, okay, how are we going to make this feel a little special, a little different.
Kenrya: A little risqué, add a little bit of, oh, we could get caught in here, because ain't nobody catching you in your own bedroom, little extra.
Erica: Your kids, but yeah. Talk about a cock blocker, but yeah. And I think that we ... Let's be honest, no matter how much you love your partner, shit get old after a while, it can. And so I think that I'm going to say, yeah, things can get old after a while. And so I think it's great to come up with different ways to keep things spicy. And it could be just as simple as like, we always fuck in our bed, let's go fuck in the front, on the couch. I thought that was super sexy for her to pull out the fancy car and park in front of the neighbor's house, not in front of the neighbor's house, but in my mind is in front of the neighbor's house.
Kenrya: Even if it had been in their driveway or any of that. I mean, it's just fun. I don't like to use the word, old, I like to use the word routine. I feel like it's a little bit more accurate, right?
Erica: Yeah. Because you can be with somebody for three months and the shit get-
Kenrya: Right, because you find ways that both of you come and then you just go straight to those and there's no mixing it up and whatever. And I don't think there's anything wrong with knowing the ways that work because a good ... we can both get off in 10 minutes has a very good place in your arsenal.
Erica: Yeah. Again, I don't need you fucking my brains out.
Kenrya: I don't want it actually. That's not for me because I get sore.
Erica: These tissues are delicate.
Kenrya: And they are. But yeah, like you said, a change of location can mean a lot of things, a very small variance in a position can also really change things up. All of the little tiny changes that can change the way that you relate to your person that makes it go from feeling routine to feeling really cool and new.
Erica: And I think that making use of what you got and what's around the house.
Erica: I think, especially-
Erica: What did you say? Pervatables. Did we talk about pervatables? We talked about pervatables in some show.
Kenrya: We talked about it on episode seven, [inaudible 00:38:27].
Erica: Yes. Okay. So we don't have to give the glossary again. Go back to episode seven to learn about pervatables. But yeah, I think that especially now where we're living in the age of COVID, we're living in a panoramic, I keep referring to it as a panoramic now. Now that we're living in panoramic where it's a lot more difficult, so you can't go out to the club. Because one of my favorite things to do with the partner is go out, get drunk, come home. And I mean, not that drunk is a part of it. Go out, have a good time, party and then come home and be like, "I'm going to tear that shit up." On the way home flirting, giving head in the car, that kind of thing. And because we can't do it now and I'm like, I got partners to do this with. But because we can't do it now, I feel like there probably is some routine in sex. Do you feel like your sex has become routine because of the panoramic or do you think that because you're home more, y'all got more time to like really-
Kenrya: I don't actually think we have more time because there's a kid here all the time, so no. And I don't think it's ... no, I don't. I do think that we've gotten better at popping in for the quickie. I think our first year maybe he had more to prove, and so we was having. You know what I mean? And I-
Erica: He was like, I got to imprint on this pussy.
Kenrya: Listen, I don't have to. We got a long time, we can, you know; for example, over last weekend, we went a couple of times in a day and they weren't long sessions, but God, it was just so good. And it wasn't anything extra special or out of the ordinary necessarily. It's just really nice to connect in that way, even when shit is shitty around. But no, I wouldn't say it's become routine. It's just still fun. I hope it stays forever.
Erica: Okay. All right. We'll have to pose that question. I mean, I think we've gotten a few live questions from our listeners in our grab bags and stuff about that, but I'd like to hear if people feel like being at home in this pandemic has been helpful or a little more challenging on the sex that they have with their partner.
Kenrya: Yeah, it has given us less time. I'm thinking about it, it used to be ... Sometimes we would have an afternoon session while my daughter was at school. We would have lunch and we'd have sex on the couch. We don't get to do that anymore because class is in my office.
Erica: Yeah. And I'm also thinking like, we're at home all the time, so now I see that you chew with your mouth open or-
Kenrya: Oh, no.
Erica: ... more, something like that.
Kenrya: But yeah, I bet you there are people who are a little disgusted. Like, "Nigga, oh, so you clip your toenails every time you watch this TV show. Can you do that in that room?"
Erica: Again, TikToK. Is it TikTok or Instagram? There was something that was dating before the world. It's like trying to find a cuddle buddy before we go into the second wave or into this next thing. And it's like, my name is so-and-so, these are my shows, this is how I chew. Give me the basics. Let's see if we can make it to March together.
Kenrya: Yeah, that's real.
Erica: It's the ghetto. You don't have to be happy that you're not slumming, Kenrya. You don't have to slum like us.
Kenrya: I am, I am very happy I'm fucked up on that front. This has been a beautiful thing actually being in a good relationship during the panny.
Erica: Yeah. Because honey I'm just out here just-
Erica: Yeah, damn. And the thing is like, I have a bubble, but it would be like ... This vaccine needs to come and it needs to come quick and need to like ... I was reading somewhere that we're not going to get ... they don't think we'll have a significant amount of folks vaccinated till summer.
Kenrya: Late summer, yeah, that's what I read too. That's going to be a while. And y'all we’re recording this in December.
Erica: It has been this way since March.
Erica: Okay. There were probably a lot of people in winter of 2019 that was like, "Hey, I got to get me a cuddle buddy to make it through the winter." I'm like two of them motherfuckers. I should have been thinking.
Kenrya: No, because then you could've ended up like one of these motherfuckers writing into The Read talking about, “So should I break up with this nigga now or later?” You're stuck with somebody awful, because you didn't want to be alone.
Erica: Woo. Yeah, you're preaching a word. Okay. When you're together for a while, and kind of touch on this with our guests that we have next week. But sometimes you got to be reminded of things. You lose sight of the fact that you got a bad bitch, you got a bad nigga. And I like that Viv was like, "Come on, Stacey boo. Don't forget this is some hard shit." I wanted to know with you Kenrya. I mean, I know you and your partner, maybe this is your bad, this situation. But think dig deep back about like, how have you reminded your partners in the past of like, "Oh, don't forget, you got a bad bitch." And sometimes it might be unappreciative and other times it might be like they know it and they just, like need to.
Kenrya: I don't know. I mean, I'll be honest. I don't know if in somebody's past relationships if I always remembered that myself. And then I think, and I mean I can think in some, especially after my career started kind of taking off, sometimes it'd be like events, being with them and being able to see on their face as they're watching me sign books or talk to strangers or whatever, where they're like, "Oh, I got a bad bitch." But it wasn't necessarily that I said anything. It was just that they were in an environment that reminded them that I am not just the person that's at the house with them all the time.
Erica: Yeah, I clearly remember. And I clearly remember sitting in marriage counseling, shouting at my ex-husband, "I am a bad bitch. Do you know? I'm a bad bitch." And I think it was more me realizing, remembering it, and then being like, wait-
Kenrya: “I am.”
Erica: ... I forgot this shit and you need to remember this too. But I definitely remember, I clearly remember, I can see the therapist face as I like, I think I was standing up shouting, "I am a bad bitch. You don't know what you're fucking with." Because I think also when you're ... at least for me, especially in my marriage, I got kind of, I lost myself, I lost my shine. I was just so caught up in being a wife and being a mom and all of that, that I forgot that be out and work a room, and I lost my own shine. And so that period where I was shouting to him, "I'm a bad bitch." He was also shouting to me like, "Bitch, have you forgotten?"
Kenrya: I think that is a thing that can happen. I definitely think it happened with me, but I think it was more intentional because I was married to a man who very clearly was-
Kenrya: Yes. And so if things didn't revolve around him, then it was like, let me shit on all of this. For me it was very much this situation where he was only comfortable if my light was under a bushel basket. And so I made myself very small for a while in order to dim that so that he could feel better. It wasn't until I realized what the fuck was going on and that I was out. And then all the time what he would say was, "I don't even know you anymore." And I were like, "Because I'm back to myself nigga. Go away."
Erica: Oh, that's it, that, “Yeah, I don't even know you anymore.”
Kenrya: I used to laugh that he said that. We used to call me Kenrya 2.0 or some shit at that point.
Erica: And you know what, I think that, yeah, I'm not the same person. You might not know me, but we didn't grow together. You weren't there from the growth from Kenrya to Kenrya 2.0. And so I totally, oh yeah, I know I'm not nigga. And you don't want me to be the same.
Kenrya: And I definitely don't want to be.
Erica: I think that there's a lot of growth that happens in life. And in my mind what makes a relationship magical is that you grow together. I don't think you should still be the same person. We were talking to a group of girlfriends and they were talking about shared values with the partner because we have a number of girlfriends that are married to men that are much younger than them. And one of them was like, "He could be so different in a million ways but we shared values. Because then we know what we're working towards." And so I think when you have that shared value, then all the other stuff changes, but the DNA of what the two of you are and what the two of you want and are working for stays the same. And I think what happened in my marriage is that we didn't have shared values. We had shared surface shit. And so as the surface shit started wearing away, then he was a diamond, I'm an emerald, we stare at each other like, "Nigga, I thought we was rocks."
Kenrya: That's real, and that's also accurate.
Erica: Yeah. But I mean, here's the rocks and diamonds and emeralds, so yeah. And I don't mean that we're all not gems, it just means we ain't-
Kenrya: The same kind of gem.
Erica: We ain't the same kind, we ain't going towards it, working towards the same goal, so yeah. Whew, that bad bitch, that took me back to a very specific place where I reclaimed my power as a woman.
Kenrya: How much longer was it that you cut your hair after that conversation?
Erica: You said that really shadily, but yeah.
Kenrya: I'm just wondering.
Erica: It was probably right around that time. It was either right before or right after. You know what, I think it was right after, because I remember name redacted, therapist's name redacted looking at me like, girl. Because yeah, I mean I think you just ... Oh, you got me going down the rabbit hole.
Kenrya: Thinking about all the ways that we contort ourselves for these niggas.
Erica: Yeah. I changed so much of who I was in an effort to go along, to get along, to be in a relationship, and I didn't even need to do all that. I shouldn't have been doing all that…
Kenrya: Yeah but hindsight is 20/20
Erica: And then I woke up one morning and it was like, I am this dusty bitch because I have been literally trying to force myself into this dusty bitch bin. And I came out that bitch and was like, "I'm a bad bitch. I am a bad bitch."
Kenrya: And you are.
Erica: Yeah. I'm very proud of myself for claiming my bad bitchiness. Okay. Also, before we get into what's turning us on, we are going to pay some bills and we'll be right back.
Kenrya: Hey, y'all, today's a great day to start your own podcast. Whether you're looking for a new marketing channel, have a message you want to share with the world, or just think it'd be fun to have your own show like us, podcasting is an easy, inexpensive and fun way to expand your reach online. And Buzzsprout is hands-on the easiest and best way to launch, promote and track your podcast. Your show gets put online and listed in all the major podcast directories like Apple Podcast, Spotify, Google, everything, within minutes of finishing and uploading your recording. We use it here for The Turn On and I can testify to the fact that it's pretty fucking dope.
Kenrya: Podcasting isn't hard when you have the right partners and the team at Buzzsprout is passionate about helping you succeed. So join over a hundred thousand podcasters like us who are already using Buzzsprout to get their message to the world. Just click the link in our show notes and you'll be able to get your own account set up. And if you sign up for pay plan, you'll get a $20 Amazon gift card, and you get to support our show. Let's create something great together, sign up for Buzzsprout today.
Erica: What's turning us on this week, harkens back to our very first episode titled, “What, What, in the Butt.”
Kenrya: You just scared somebody I'm certain of it. Somebody was listening to this and making dinner.
Erica: And their kid walked past like, "What are you talking about?" Okay. This week what's turning us on is an anal trainer set. It's a five-piece master anal trainer set, so Kenrya it's all you.
Kenrya: For those of us who have anal sex with folks who are a little bit more well-endowed, you can't always just slip it in your butt.
Erica: Yeah. If you're putting a-
Kenrya: Or anything.
Erica: Yeah, I'm like, I don't even want to say-
Kenrya: Yeah, it can be a strap that is on the larger side.
Erica: If you are dealing with a ... not necessarily a wenis, not a stunt strap, but a ...
Kenrya: Which is an important designation, right? Because the first person who I successfully and consistently had anal sex with was just kind of a smedium. And so we could just slip it on in and have a good time and it was—whatever, that's not my current situation. And so I-
Erica: I love how nice you are about explaining the fact that your partner has a big dick.
Kenrya: Yeah, I try to just ... he don't care.
Erica: I'm here for that. I'm here to say that part.
Kenrya: And so I prepare when we know that this is something that we want to do next week or whatever. I used to have a set of these that I ordered and didn't realize. Okay, so there's five pieces, as he said, and they graduate in size. The first one, the little one is about a little bit bigger than my thumb at its widest part. And so I used to have a set of these that I didn't realize until I got them because I ordered them that was hard plastic. Please don't ever use hard plastic trainers. It's incredibly uncomfortable. I’m sure it stretches things out, but it's not a comfortable way of doing it and there are much better tools out there.
Kenrya: And so we actually came upon this silicone version of it while we were on vacation and we went to a sex shop, because why not? But also my boo was very frugal and did not feel like that was how much we should pay for these. And so then we ...
Erica: “Goddam that's a lot of money!”
Kenrya: Then we found them online for cheaper and bought them after our vacation.
Erica: I can't.
Kenrya: Yes. Basically what you do is ... everybody's schedule is different, but what I found is that if I start with the smallest one, let's say on Monday, I wear it for ... I don't know, long enough to masturbate or you can wear it while you do something, while you read a chapter out of a book or while you clean the house or whatever. They have a flanged edge, so they cannot get lost up inside, of course, as we always remind y'all.
Erica: Please don't let them get lost inside.
Kenrya: Usually I find that I can move from the first one to the second one the first day. And then every day, every two days you can graduate up to a new size until you get all the way up to the big boy, which I have actually not used.
Erica: Damn that's big. Wait.
Erica: I was like-
Kenrya: This is the one before it for comparison.
Erica: We're talking and I got my head down and I'm looking at something and I look up and the big one is, that's a mighty meat eater.
Kenrya: And they're just long enough so that you can practice getting past both of your sphincters, but not so long that if you're trying to do activities while they're in to get yourself stretched out that it's not uncomfortable and hard to move around or anything like that. They're super soft and pliable like incredibly so. And you just stick it up there and leave it up there. And then they also are good for just using them during play. If you are having sex, vaginal sex, but you also like to have a little backdoor action going at the same time, you can pop one of these in there just like a butt plug and use it at the same time. So you make your own DP situation.
Erica: Jesus Christ, that large one is large and in charge.
Kenrya: Yeah, I have not made my way up there.
Erica: Because, okay, so as we can see, this is a Killa activity, and that she's the one that-
Kenrya: That this is what’s turning me on.
Erica: ... pick this one. Yeah. She has experience with that. And so I saw the link, it's a cute little set. And I was like, "Oh, I might have to get this," that last…
Kenrya: Nobody says you have to get to the last one.
Erica: That's for special people.
Kenrya: You can get quite [crosstalk 00:58:58].
Erica: But I mean like now ... But I've seen a big one, I'm like, “Challenge!”
Erica: Okay, well.
Kenrya: The best-
Erica: That was the good one.
Kenrya: ... [crosstalk 00:59:11] this week.
Erica: All righty. Well, that sums that up. That sums up this week's episode of The Turn On. It is Erica and Kenrya, two hoes making it clap. I was trying to do a song so we could clap together-
Kenrya: We did clap together.
Erica: ... but obviously.
Kenrya: We didn't?
Erica: No, we didn't.
Kenrya: Oh, I was silly, let me put my arms down.
Erica: Yeah, put your arms down. All right, that's [inaudible 00:59:44].
Kenrya: Yo. All right, y'all.
Erica: ...before, I forgot I had it, just was looking for something to put on. Look at you. All right y'all, peace out. Peace, fish, hair grease, bye.
Kenrya: Fried fish.
Erica: Oh, no. Bye.
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Now you can support The Turn On and get off. Subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app, then drop us a five-star review and you'll be entered to win something, that's turning us on. Just post your review and email us a screenshot at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com to enter. Our Patreon page is also live. Become a supporter today and you'll gain access to lots of goodies, including The Turn On BookC and two for one raffle entries. And don't forget to send us your book recommendations, and your sex and related questions. And follow us on Twitter at @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram at @TheTurnOnPodcast. You can find links to books, merch, transcripts, guest info and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. Thanks so much for listening and we'll see you soon. Bye!
LISTEN TO THE TURN ON
Apple Podcasts | Google Play | iHeart Radio | Radio Public | Spotify | Stitcher | TuneIn | YouTube
CONNECT WITH THE TURN ON
Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | Goodreads | Patreon
In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya talk to sex therapist Jenifer Smith about how improved communication, a good book and some excellent porn can improve your sex life.
The Turn On participates in affiliate programs, which provide a small commission when you purchase products via links on this site. This costs you nothing, but helps support the show. Click here for more information.
Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Kenrya: Today, we're talking to Jenifer Smith, pronouns she and her. Jenifer has been providing relationship and sex advice to couples and individuals for 13 years.
Kenrya: She has a double master's degree in marriage and family therapy and mental health counseling, and is also a sex therapist.
Kenrya: She's currently the co-host of the Love, Lust and Lies podcast, which can be found on all podcast streaming platforms. Thanks so much for joining us today, Jenifer.
Jenifer Smith: Thank you for having me.
Erica: So again, thank you. We appreciate you coming out. When I first met you, I was like, she's got to come on to The Turn On. So I appreciate you making time.
Jenifer Smith: It took like a year in the making.
Erica: I know. Things have been leading up to this.
Jenifer Smith: Yeah. I like a good climax. That's okay.
Erica: Hey, hey, hey. Tell us a little bit about your background and how it brought you to doing this work.
Jenifer Smith: My background actually started in radio. In college, I used to host a sex talk radio show and the show was already in existence when I got on it. And funny enough, the guy that I hosted the show with back then is the guy I host my podcast with now, 16 years later.
Erica: Oh, wow.
Erica: Full circle.
Jenifer Smith: Yeah. Yeah. So talking about those topics of sex, love, relationships, dating is what really started to drive me and really fueled me to talk to people about relationships.
Jenifer Smith: And so I wrote for a sex advice column for a magazine for four years after graduation. And I was like, yeah, this seems more like a calling than it is a hobby now.
Jenifer Smith: So that's when I decided to become a therapist. But that-
Erica: Was your major in college therapy or anything like that? Or were you like an econ major or some shit?
Jenifer Smith: Communications.
Jenifer Smith: Communications was my major. PR was my concentration. If you talked to me back then, I was going to be a hard-hitting publicist. And then, that's just not what happened.
Kenrya: Oh, same. That was my specialization too.
Jenifer Smith: Yes. It's funny how you use those skills-
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Jenifer Smith: ... in a career change. So people ask me-
Kenrya: We use them for this show, shit.
Jenifer Smith: Yeah, people ask me all the time, "Well, how did you get to doing TV or radio or magazines?" And I'm like, "Well, I'm a communications major, and PR and media is always going to be number one for me."
Jenifer Smith: And so now, being able to use therapy in that same platform is pretty dope to combine my worlds together.
Kenrya: Yeah, that's awesome. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Jenifer Smith: Oh, a publicist and a lawyer.
Kenrya: You're like, just give me all the coins.
Jenifer Smith: Let me talk for a living and I'm set.
Erica: And now you talk about masturbation.
Jenifer Smith: Now, I'm talking about masturbation, the gift that keeps on giving.
Erica: Yes, yes. Okay, so when we asked you to come along, we wanted to talk about living your best sex life. On the podcast, we read a lot of erotica, which most people's fantasies of what their best sex life is. So what does that mean to you? What does the best sex life mean to you?
Jenifer Smith: Oh, that's a really good question. The best sex life to me is one where both partners are equally pleasured all the time.
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Jenifer Smith: And that comes with just even conversation in physical sense of sex or intimacy or foreplay, in all areas that you're just deliciously pleasured with your partner. And that's how I look at it-
Erica: Oh, I like that, delicious.
Jenifer Smith: Because for me ... Yeah, because for me, I need good conversation to even make me feel aroused, to want to be intimate with you.
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Jenifer Smith: So for me, I need it all across the board.
Kenrya: Yeah. On the other side of that coin, what things do you think tend to stand in the way of people having the best sex life of their dreams?
Jenifer Smith: Communication, I would say is number one. Since I've been a therapist, that's probably what I've heard the most is communication. People aren't able to communicate what their needs are.
Jenifer Smith: And a lot of times, people aren't communicating with themselves of what their pleasure points are or what it takes to get them off, or even wanting to have that conversation of what are their real insecurities about their body here about being intimate, which then prevents you from getting close to somebody else. So I would say communication for sure.
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kenrya: Do you see a difference in communication? I'm thinking about stereotypes that people have, right? That men are poor communicators. Do you see a difference in how communication goals in terms of the orientations and the makeup of the partnerships? You know what I mean?
Jenifer Smith: For sure, which is funny that you say that because I feel like men are the better communicators with what they want sexually. Women are the ones that actually lack that communication.
Jenifer Smith: And they usually lack communication because one, they haven't explored their own body. Two, they are afraid to actually communicate what they want because afraid of judgments, or they've opened up to somebody else before and that person shamed them or put them down. And now it feels like it's unsafe to share what you really want.
Erica: You know that's interesting. I was doing a class last night about sex and technology, and so a lot of it was porn. Well, the first part of it was talking a lot about porn.
Erica: And one of the things that she mentioned was that she finds that couples that watch porn together tend to communicate their desires better in relationships, or just people that watch porn are able to better articulate their desires.
Erica: And the study show what ... Most people under-report. But anyway, the studies show that-
Kenrya: Oh, how much porn they watch?
Jenifer Smith: Oh, definitely.
Erica: The studies show that men watch more porn than women. And so I think that goes hand in hand with what you just said about the fact that men are more ... They're able to say, "I want this," because they've seen that happen in porn.
Jenifer Smith: Oh, for sure. I think I agree with that a hundred percent, Erica. I think women definitely under report it because of the judgment and the shame that come ... And it's funny enough, as long as I've been doing this work, most of the shame come from other women. It's not even coming from men.
Erica: Yup, yup.
Kenrya: Listen, that's real. A scroll through fucking Black Twitter will show you that.
Jenifer Smith: Yeah. Yeah. And that's sad because there are porn that you can watch that is, I would say approachable for couples because I don't think all porn-
Jenifer Smith: ... is applicable to everybody's sex life.
Jenifer Smith: But there are some good safe porn that you can go watch as a couple, even if it's your first couple of times watching it, where you can have a dialogue about it.
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Jenifer Smith: And people have to actually take the actual, sometimes the actual intercourse out of it. And just talk about, what is it that you see? What is it that you like out of this? Do you like the way she responds when he does that?
Jenifer Smith: Talking about how you act, what the experience is. And I think that people miss that a lot of the time. They miss what the experience is supposed to be about.
Erica: Yeah. So what things do you think people should consider when they're assessing their current sex life and where they want it to be?
Jenifer Smith: Hmm, that's a good question. Are you happy? Are you satisfied? Do you ever think about stepping outside of the relationship to meet your sexual needs?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Jenifer Smith: Those would be a few, I think of voice assess.
Kenrya: At what point do you need to be concerned? Okay. So we all ... At least, I got a bit of imagination. So we've heard from lots of folks who have their fantasies and have their what if people and have all these things that go on in their head.
Kenrya: How do you know when you cross the line between just fantasizing about something that's a little different and maybe being about to cross over that line?
Jenifer Smith: Ooh, I've heard it so many different ways too. I mean, because some people, that's all they think about is somebody else while they're having sex with their current partner. And I think that that gets to be a very dangerous territory if it's an actual ... Okay, like-
Kenrya: Like a real person that's walking around on earth.
Jenifer Smith: Right. I mean, listen. I dream about Michael B. Jordan sometimes when I'm having sex, but that doesn't mean he's tangible to me. But if you're dreaming about the person that you work with-
Erica: The secretary.
Jenifer Smith: Yeah, the person that you work with that's a tangible person that you could actually get it from them, then I think it's kind of dangerous territory if you're not communicating with your partner.
Jenifer Smith: And I think that that's also part of communication is if you're fantasizing about different things and you don't feel like you could share that with your partner, there might be something there with that communication.
Jenifer Smith: You don't feel like it's a safe space to actually share that, because I think it's important for couples to be able to share what their desires and fantasies are and explore them if you choose to.
Kenrya: You said earlier that a lot of what you see is that women are having a bit of a more difficult time expressing what it is that they need to be able to live into that best sex life.
Kenrya: I'm wondering, are there ... Can we talk a bit about what are the special considerations that come when you're talking about Black women and Black non-binary folks? What comes into play often that keeps us from being able to really seize that pleasure?
Jenifer Smith: A lot of the times, it comes from ... And I'm going to put my therapist hat on now. It comes a lot from the way that you were brought up.
Jenifer Smith: If you were raised in a family where sex education wasn't something that was an open dialogue and you learned about sex and other various forms that weren't always the safest environment, most women, most Black women are not coming into the relationship open or ready to communicate about it if they never had that space before.
Jenifer Smith: And if they've brought it up before ... And these are different examples that I've heard. If they have brought it up before with a previous partner, they were either shamed about it. They might've been sexually abused, and then that may have been used against them also and the information they would have shared.
Jenifer Smith: And within the girlfriend circles. I have plenty of women ... I teach a blowjob class and I've been teaching it for three years.
Jenifer Smith: And a lot of the Black women said that they would, during their girlfriend nights, would tell their girlfriends about giving their man head or giving them a hand job in the movies or something like that. And they were shamed in their girlfriend circles about doing things like that.
Jenifer Smith: And that stopped them from wanting to communicate with anybody else about it, and even their partner about it, because now it was something shameful.
Jenifer Smith: They were told only white women do that. And that just creates this whole stigma of it's not safe for me to talk about it with anybody.
Kenrya: Yeah. They will never survive in our friend group.
Erica: Girl, I'm like ... I remember we were at Benihana and I was showing a dick pic. Oh my God, we were like ... You know how at Benihana you're at the table with other families?
Erica: I was like, "Look at this. He came in slow motion." They was like, "Erica, girl, put that fucking phone down."
Kenrya: I mean, remember I came downstairs the other day and y'all bitches were stimulating what y'all thought I must've been doing upstairs when I wasn't with y'all. Like ...
Jenifer Smith: The question is: were you doing it?
Kenrya: Yes, I was.
Erica: Yes, you was, you was, you was.
Kenrya: They were correct. They know me well.
Erica: Yeah, we were down here kicking it hard and ... Yeah. And she came downstairs and was like ... I was like, "Yeah, bitch because you would've been down here kicking it with us if you weren't upstairs doing all that nasty shit."
Kenrya: I mean, a time for everything.
Jenifer Smith: Time for everything.
Erica: All the single gals. It was like ... Was it all the single gals? Except for the first, it was all the single gals. So you were fucking on behalf of all.
Jenifer Smith: I need to be in that circle. I'm the single one amongst my friends. And I get a pass because I'm a sex therapist and they just always assume I'm going to talk about some nasty shit, but I'm like, I need to be around other nasty single women that also could talk freely about this stuff.
Kenrya: Yes, that's what I'm saying.
Erica: Come over, kick it. We get it in over here. I think our ... Yeah, we did a Zoom call on Friday night and I pulled out all my toys and I was-
Jenifer Smith: Yes.
Erica: ... showing them different butt plugs-
Jenifer Smith: Yes.
Erica: ... and lubes, and this is my favorite collar. And this is my favorite whip. Someone was like, "Huh?" The other ones were like, "Drop that link."
Kenrya: It takes all kinds, but at the end of the day, we're really big on not yucking anyone's yum, right?
Jenifer Smith: No.
Kenrya: So if it ain't your thing, that's okay. It just ain't your thing.
Jenifer Smith: That's okay. But it's the dialogue, because even if you're not into it, I at least want my friends to be educated about it because I don't know what other conversations they might be having with their other circle of friends or with their partners for that matter.
Jenifer Smith: I want everybody always to be informed about other things because people, adults assume that sex education stops somewhere at school. And if you didn't get it at-
Erica: It never started at school. How about that?
Jenifer Smith: I mean, right. Some people didn't get it at school. I was very fortunate and I had a lot of great sex education very young. And I had it all throughout grade school, middle school and high school. So I was very fortunate, but I know other people weren't and I'm like-
Erica: What state were you in? I don't want to get too-
Jenifer Smith: I was in Pennsylvania.
Jenifer Smith: And so-
Kenrya: That's interesting.
Jenifer Smith: Yeah. And so I'm like, now as adults, it is your choice and responsibility to educate yourself about sex and about different products, different lubricants, adult stores, the different kinds of porn.
Jenifer Smith: Everybody has access to that. So if you're not educating yourself about it, I think you're doing a real disservice to yourself and to your partner or future partners about different things that you could just be educated about.
Erica: Yeah, and I'd like to think of sex and pleasure as a form of self care.
Jenifer Smith: Absolutely.
Erica: I think that we spend so much time on spas and candles and even the boring part of self care, like I'm going to iron my clothes the night before, but ... I don't know, cumming is a-
Kenrya: You get free ass orgasm.
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah, that's just ... Cumming is ... We talked to someone and she said, "I masturbate every morning to get my day started."
Jenifer Smith: Right.
Erica: And I'm like, "Fuck yeah."
Jenifer Smith: Some people drink coffee, some people masturbate.
Jenifer Smith: To me, the serotonins come out the same way.
Erica: Exactly. And so this is ... I try to ... I am one of the ... I mean, we talk a lot among my friend group, but I'd make it a point to be kind of the I'm this. I swing hard on this side of the pendulum where it's like, y'all going to know all my details, so that at least you're comfortable sharing a little bit more about yours or you're comfortable asking. So yeah.
Erica: So we know you're a sex therapist. How do you think sex educators and therapists can help people evolve their sex lives? How can they make them change it and grow?
Jenifer Smith: Well, I have found that you have to make it really approachable for women. You have to ... People always ask me how do I do couples therapy? Because they just assume that every man is coming on to me, and I'm like, that's not the case. But like-
Kenrya: I never thought that that would be a thing.
Jenifer Smith: I mean, I say that was not why I got into it. That was not my thought, but it was like ... I always used to say, for couples therapy, you have to be pretty but approachable enough for the woman, but for the man, you have to be attractive and informative and let him know it's a safe space.
Jenifer Smith: And I feel like sex education and sexual health is the same way. We have to make it an inviting space. I think a lot of times on social media, so many people are showing dildos or pocket pussies or bullets or something like that.
Jenifer Smith: And a man is already intimidated by that stuff. So putting it out there doesn't let them know that, oh, I could go and talk to her too and it would be okay.
Jenifer Smith: So I think just showing that it's a safe space for both people or individuals is really important. I mean, as a therapist, I'm always thinking about the therapeutic relationship and that's the biggest part of therapy.
Jenifer Smith: So I'm always looking to see how people can invite people in and make it a safe space. Any of the workshops I used to do, I always let partners know it's okay to bring your partner and create this dialogue or make it a date night.
Jenifer Smith: People like that term make it a date night. It makes it more commercial for them to want to come. And then they didn't have to plan one.
Erica: Yeah, I'm like, niggas going to be niggas.
Jenifer Smith: They like, "Oh, how much is it? Okay, cool. You going to teach her how to do this and give us the toys. Oh, all right."
Erica: Okay, cool. So one question I have, because we just touched on the fact that you're a single gal, I'm a single gal. I'm a sex educator. And I find it difficult when dating, because you get two types of guys.
Erica: One is like the "Oh, you know it all. I ain't going to be able to do shit to impress you," which whatever. Or you get niggas like, "Oh, you a sex educator. So we going to have a threesome on our first date." Do you run into that?
Jenifer Smith: I run into the first one all the time. All the time.
Jenifer Smith: Yeah. On my podcast, I talk about it quite a bit. I met guys that I would date for four or five months. They were too scared to have sex.
Jenifer Smith: Yeah, they were too scared to have sex or judge me because I taught a blowjob class. One guy said to me, he was like, "I just can't get over thinking about how much dick you might've had to suck to teach that class."
Kenrya: Oh God, go away.
Jenifer Smith: I'm sorry. What?
Kenrya: And guess what? I'm not sucking your dick because that was stupid.
Jenifer Smith: Right. I'm like, as women, we are never thinking about how much pussy you had to eat to get over here.
Jenifer Smith: We're just feeling good to have a ball to practice, you dicks.
Erica: Yeah, thank them chicks. Oh my gosh. Yeah, that-
Jenifer Smith: Or you get the survey after you've had sex. Then they like, "Okay, so here comes the question. Was it good enough? What do you want me to do next time? Did I get the G spot?" I'm like-
Erica: And here's the thing. I appreciate you asking to improve our experience, but don't ask to try to beat ... You're a fucking-
Kenrya: Like beat that high score.
Erica: Yeah, like my pussy is one of them, the arcade machines. And you trying to get your initials on this shit. No, nigga. No.
Jenifer Smith: I don't want you to ask me 15 seconds after I've come. I don't want you to ask me this. We still laying there and I'm trying to catch my breath.
Erica: Let me glow. Let me enjoy the glow.
Jenifer Smith: Ask me tomorrow. Let's have a recap tomorrow, but I don't always like having to debrief all the time. I'm like-
Kenrya: It makes it like work for you, right?
Jenifer Smith: It does. Definitely. I'm like, "Come in here and shut my ass up." That's all.
Erica: Knock the dust out of this pussy and-
Jenifer Smith: Right. No, it's real. That is so real, Erica. I thought getting into this field, I'm like, oh, I might ... I knew people would come at me or whatever, but this shit here of niggas not wanting to talk to you because of what you do or they intimidate or judge you, I'm like, wow, this has turned into a con. I don't know what to do with all of this. It's ridiculous.
Erica: I found guys, some guys are just really skeevy because I try to ... When you meet guys on apps, it's a balance. You want to tell them who you are in full.
Jenifer Smith: Right.
Erica: Because I'm also ... I run into niggas and they're super churchy. And I'm like, look, I'm a sex educator. I talk about getting my back blown out once a week on the internet for the world to know it.
Erica: I have friends that are gay, trans, nonbinary, so I need you to understand that you ain't getting just some teacher that's go ... like some basic-
Jenifer Smith: Right, right.
Erica: But I'm telling you that because I need you to understand. I don't need your judgment. This is who I am in full, not I'm telling you that to be like, "Hey, I'm going to shoot hot dogs out my pussy."
Erica: I'm sorry. I just finished reading Humans of New York the other day. That chick, Stephanie Tanqueray was talking about the stripper that shot hot dog or whatever out of her pussy.
Jenifer Smith: That's kind of like in Thailand where they do the darts out of their pussy and can actually bust balloons and shit.
Kenrya: Oh, shit. That's impressive.
Jenifer Smith: Yeah. I was like wow, we got those kinds of power. Look at that in my own vagina like-
Kenrya: I'm like shit, can we train? Is this something I can learn?
Jenifer Smith: Is there a camp I can attend? A workshop? I need to know. Damn. No, it's real out here. The apps are quite interesting. I have a three date rule that I put in place about a year ago. I don't give guys my social media until we've been out on three dates.
Erica: Oh, yeah. No.
Jenifer Smith: Because yeah, they get like all types of excited and shit, and that would backfire on me because podcasts are very popular and shit.
Jenifer Smith: So people are like, "Yeah, so I heard you on this podcast." And I'm like, "Oh, I was going to tell you when we got to the third date."
Kenrya: And you don't owe anybody anything. So there's that.
Erica: Exactly. Exactly.
Jenifer Smith: No, no you don't.
Kenrya: Man, I ain't your partner. You let them know when you're ready.
Jenifer Smith: Totally, totally.
Kenrya: I want to back up a little bit to something you said earlier.
Jenifer Smith: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kenrya: You were saying that you have to be pretty enough, but not too pretty. You have to be approachable. Why is that?
Jenifer Smith: For women, they respect other women if they're pretty, which is super weird, but that's what I learned maybe the first year I was a therapist when I would watch different couples come into the practice and who they would choose to be their therapist. You know what I mean?
Jenifer Smith: I was like, okay. I feel like I can say this woman's pretty and attractive or whatever. But it was something about how they looked at the pictures of who they chose.
Jenifer Smith: Like, "I like her. She's pretty, but I don't think she'll steal my man. So I think I'll go with her."
Erica: Oh, shit.
Jenifer Smith: But I got that though a couple of times if they didn't look at the website beforehand and I was just assigned the couple or whatever and they came in.
Jenifer Smith: I had this one couple. They were a Haitian couple and came in, and the wife took one look at me and said, "Definitely no."
Jenifer Smith: She was like, "I want somebody else." And I was like, "Well, I am the couple's therapist here. So it's me or nobody." And she was like, "I want to talk to your supervisor," which at that time I felt super intimidated by.
Jenifer Smith: And so my supervisor had to come out and she was like, "Jenifer is the best that we have. I feel a hundred percent confident in her capabilities to help you and your husband."
Jenifer Smith: The husband turns around and said, "I'll talk to her." He walked in the room and sat down. And she was just like, "We'll see."
Erica: Oh, poor thing.
Jenifer Smith: Yeah. She was like, "We'll see how this session goes." And we ended up having a great session until the last five minutes. We were talking and they were sitting next to each other and she said something that set him off.
Jenifer Smith: And then he was like, "I'm not talking to you anymore. I only want to talk to Jenifer." And she was like, "Session is over. That's it."
Jenifer Smith: She got up and walked out and he was just sitting there still talking to me. And I'm thinking, how am I supposed to wrap this up now? I don't know.
Jenifer Smith: But people will challenge you a lot when it's a couple because the women want to talk to other women that is attractive, but informative, and also feel like it's a safe space.
Jenifer Smith: And sometimes, if they get a therapist that's too close to their mother's age, they don't want to talk to somebody that's going to talk to them like they're their mom.
Jenifer Smith: They want somebody that's a little closer to their age where they feel it's approachable, and almost up-to-date too on other things.
Jenifer Smith: If they talk about porn or a specific porn, and I know about it. Or if they talk about a strip club that they went to, I will know about it. So those kinds of ways they feel like it's more relatable.
Kenrya: Wow. What's your favorite thing about what you do?
Jenifer Smith: It's never the same topic every day. It's always something different, and I like that. And I like that I can create a space for people to come and talk about their most intimate things and not feel scared to do so.
Jenifer Smith: I've heard some real horror stories from clients of therapists that they went to that made them feel bad about things that they shared or shamed them about certain things. And I'm glad that I can create that space for my clients and they don't have to worry about that with me.
Erica: Yeah. Yeah. It's finding a therapist that gets you is just fucking amazing. My therapist, I think I made a rant. I talk in movie lines and movie quotes and shit. And so I reference “Don't be a Menace To South Central While Drinking a Juice in a Hood” or some shit.
Erica: And she got it. And I was just like, you know what? This is why the fuck I'm seeing your Black ass, because I want somebody to get like ...
Jenifer Smith: Yeah.
Kenrya: Also, the draggings.
Erica: Oh, yeah. Y'all, y'all-
Kenrya: She dragged the fuck out of ...
Erica: Dragging the fuck out of ... Yeah. I mean, I just got my hair back. You do not have to come for my edges so fucking quickly. So what do you wish more Black people knew about sex and sexuality?
Jenifer Smith: Oh, Lord. So much.
Kenrya: That was real weary.
Jenifer Smith: So what do I want them to know most? That they are not their past. They ... You are ... I have so many of my Black clients that I've had that had family trauma or generational trauma or sexual trauma. They feel that that is their identity now, their sexual identity.
Jenifer Smith: And I want them to know that healing is something that can just transform your life all across the board and that they don't always have to carry all that weight with them all the time.
Kenrya: Wow. What books would you recommend for folks who want to either explore their own sexuality or get deeper into what you were just talking about right about how to not be defined by their trauma, by their past, as it relates to their sexual selves?
Jenifer Smith: One that I always recommend is “The Body Keeps the Score,” which they have some really good workshops now for that book where I really recommend ... Anybody that's had a sexual trauma, I think it's a good read for them, but it also breaks down all the other ways with your sexuality specifically of how that can affect your sex life in so many other ways, even the most intimate relationship with yourself.
Jenifer Smith: I'm trying to think of any books I've read more recently about generational trauma. Can't come to mind right now. I'm trying to think of some other ones, even about therapy. Yeah. I'm drawing a blank, right? I'm like books, books.
Erica: Girl, it's similar names.
Jenifer Smith: I'm studying for my licensing exam. So the DSM is the only book on my mind right now.
Erica: Well, if you come up with anything else, let us know and we'll add it in the show notes or not. And it's fine, because “Body Keeps the Score” is great.
Kenrya: Yeah, absolutely. I was going to ask what you're reading right now, but you just told us.
Jenifer Smith: The DSM.
Jenifer Smith: The DSM, that's what I'm reading.
Kenrya: Just a little light work.
Jenifer Smith: Yeah, it's hard because I was in school when we switched from the DSM-IV to the DSM-V. So I'm rehearsed in both, but the exam is on five. So it's like you have to push out all that information that you knew previous and just focus on what they have now. So it's a little difficult.
Kenrya: Yeah, good luck.
Jenifer Smith: Thank you.
Erica: Okay. So we like to have a little fun before we wrap up. So I want you to finish the sentence.
Jenifer Smith: Oh boy. Okay.
Erica: Okay. The first one, 2020 is ...
Jenifer Smith: Shit show.
Erica: Accurate. Accurate. Okay.
Jenifer Smith: It's like retrograde all fucking year.
Kenrya: Oh my God.
Erica: Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Okay. I feel best when ...
Jenifer Smith: I'm naked.
Erica: My partner was ... We were just talking. He was like, "So have you always just walked around naked? Do you do this when I'm not here?" Yes, it is my house.
Kenrya: Yeah, yeah.
Erica: Yes, I do. I was like, "This is how I prefer to be." Yup, yup. And when my child was gone with my ex, girl, my brother lives with me, but he pretty much stays in his space, which is the basement. He literally knocks on the basement, poor guy, "Put on a shirt."
Jenifer Smith: “Can I come out?”
Erica: Exactly. So yeah, clothes are some bullshit. Okay. My perfect day begins with ...
Jenifer Smith: Ooh, praise and worship.
Erica: Yes. Okay, and last, my pettiest turn off is ...
Jenifer Smith: Ooh, pettiest? I don't know. If he has a broke down car.
Erica: Nothing wrong with it.
Jenifer Smith: That will turn me off quick. I'm like, I don't care if it was a great date. I'll be like, "So it was really to know you, but this is not going to work out for you."
Erica: You in the Sentra. If this ’87 Sentra ain't going ... Okay. Kenrya, I saw you thinking. What's your pettiest turn off?
Kenrya: I don't know. I'm sitting here trying to figure out. Oh, I don't know.
Erica: I have a whole fucking list.
Kenrya: Do you?
Jenifer Smith: Let's see, hear a couple. I want to hear it.
Erica: So one, I'm not going to say publicly, I'll say it after this because we might cut some people off. Another one fucking braided hair, like braids.
Erica: Cornrows. If you're a grown ass nigga with some fucking cornrows, I'm like, "Nigga, come on now."
Jenifer Smith: Right.
Erica: You doing too much. Dirty fingernails of course.
Kenrya: Oh, yeah. That's a big one for you.
Erica: Busted shoes.
Jenifer Smith: Yes. That's a big one for me too.
Erica: And they don't even have to be like the name brands or whatever, just well taken care of.
Jenifer Smith: But if they look like they are so old, like you've had these since college, let it go.
Erica: When the heel run over and stuff-
Jenifer Smith: Yes, yes, yes.
Erica: No, not at all. Nope. Not at all. Because the little things, like if you can't take care of like the little things-
Jenifer Smith: You can't be cleaning a dick.
Erica: You ain't.
Jenifer Smith: You can't possibly. You can't possibly.
Erica: You got to choose a dick. If you can't get the details, you ain't scooping under them balls and cleaning it up under there.
Jenifer Smith: Right, right.
Erica: And I'm nasty. I want my face in everything, but I need to make sure I need to be confident you were cleaning.
Jenifer Smith: Right.
Erica: Your crevices.
Jenifer Smith: Right.
Erica: They may sound petty, but it actually leads up to something else.
Erica: If you're a grown ass man walking around with cornrows and shit ... I mean, maybe with the little individual braids, I might give you a chance, but if you're a grown ass man walking around with some Allen Iverson, bruh, you make poor decisions. And so-
Jenifer Smith: Yes. Face tattoos. Yes.
Jenifer Smith: Face tattoos for me too.
Erica: Yeah. Okay, I can add that. That can be on my list. I'm not a fan. However, because I'm a bird, I do like a neck tattoo.
Kenrya: You like a neck tattoo.
Erica: I'm such a bird.
Kenrya: Yeah, the face tattoo is just like, so either you're independently wealthy or you just don't give a fuck no more.
Erica: You literally was like, you know what? Fuck it. Fuck this.
Kenrya: And that's fine, but we probably not a good match. And that's okay. I'm sure there's somebody that is there for you.
Jenifer Smith: Okay. Right, right.
Kenrya: It's just not me.
Jenifer Smith: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kenrya: That'll be on my list. That's cool. So thank you so much for joining us. Can you tell the people where they can find you online?
Jenifer Smith: Yes. Thank you both for having me. I appreciate it. I could have talked to y'all all day. I feel like we had some ... We could talk nasty all day.
Kenrya: We can.
Jenifer Smith: But you can find me on Instagram @SexTherapistJen, all one word, or you can listen to my podcast also at Love, Lust and Lies podcast. We're on all podcast platforms or you can follow our IG @LoveLustLiesPodcast.
Kenrya: Awesome. Thanks for sharing that. And thank you for coming on, and thank you all for listening. That's it for this week's episode of The Turn On. And we will be back soon. Thanks for listening.
Erica: This episode was produced by us, Erica and Kenrya and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Now you can support The Turn On and get off. Subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app, then drop us a five-star review and you'll be entered to win something that's turning us on. Post your review and email a screenshot to us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com to enter. Our Patreon page is also live. Become a supporter today and access lots of goodies, including two for one raffle entries. Don't forget to send us your book recommendations and sex and related questions. And follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. You can find links to books, merch, transcripts, guest info, and other fun stuff at tTheTurnOnPodcast.com. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you soon. Holla.
The Turn On
The Turn On is a podcast for Black people who want to get off. To open their minds. To learn. To be part of a community. To show that we love and fuck too, and it doesn't have to be political or scandalous or dirty. Unless we want it to be.